As Thanksgiving nears

Been doing some thinking over the last week or so. It feels like 2013 is going by so quickly, or at the very least that parts of it has. I look back over the last year and think of the great times that I had, and the horrible tragedies that have happened.

I lost my aunt, my dad, and my grandfather, but rekindled my relationship with my estranged brother.
I have been out of state twice, once for fun and once for a funeral. I have met some new people, and even had the possibility of having a relationship. I feel as if I have grown, yet staid the same. I feel so very old, but knowing that I am so very young. I find myself constantly looking to the past for comfort and to see where it is that I have been. Because of my constant depression and bipolarism I can not gage where I am going. But I have placed some hopeful goals in the foreseeable future. I am hoping that 2014 is much much better. There are a few things that I want to get out of 2014 that I know I wont accomplish in 2013 with they days ticking away.
I’m going to make a vow and try to uphold it for myself. I am going to make a series of jars, filled with wishes and undertakings that I want to do in 3, 6, and 12 week times. Im going to make a depression jar and feel it with what has bothered me for the year, and im going to make a jar for what has made me happy for the year. It is my hope and intent that at the end of the year the 3, 6, 12 jar is empty, that my depression jar is only a quart full, and that my happy jar is over flowing.

I have been looking at the positives of my life lately and trying to see the good, but it seems like all I want to do is withdraw from the world with those few select people and call it good. But I cant. I know I can not just shut the door and keep the whole lf the world away from me. I must resolve to make change as I can, and not get my hopes up to high, but high enough to possibly see the horizon. So this Thanksgiving, as you sit with your loved ones, really take stock of your life, your friends, and your dreams, accomplishments, and pitfalls. See where you can change and correct, and where you can grow and enjoy more.

Continue Reading...

Happy Veterans Day

Continue Reading...

Again…

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. If this is true then what does this picture say about me and my current mood.

I am have been feeling like I’m constantly lost, or without purpose and direction. I feel trapped in my life, with no where to turn.
I am constantly depressed and feeling low. I just don’t know anymore.

I’ve toyed with the idea of just running away, but well my obligations to my pets keep me at bay. I love my 2 cats and my 2 rats. Even when I'm at my worse they give me something to fixate over, and help to draw my attention away from what bothers me, even if for a moment.

I am happy that I have been accepted for beta testing products as of late though, so that has taken some of my depression away. But it just seems like night time is the worse for me. I use to find comfort in the dark, and even courted it in my youth. But now it’s the long hours before bed that seem to etch themselves upon my mind that really drives me crazy.

I honestly feel like I did back in 2007 – 2008 when I was super depressed, sick, and dying. Where I would spend countless hours, a prisoner in my own house, locked away in my room, with the smell of death and sick in the air. When I was rotting away in my bed in intolerable heat, and agony just wish for release, listening to the voices in my head and in the dark whisper to me that I was dying, and me not caring. You wouldn’t think that a year would warp someone so profoundly but I feel that it truly has.

I truly wonder if people actually care, or are so programmed by society and political correctiveness that they automatically spew out sentiments of concern and well wishes, and go through the motions of patting you on the back, telling you that it is ok, that they are there for you, that everything will get better…yet where are they when you look around and see nothing but dust and clutter? I know that they mean well…but meaning well and being there in actions are different things.
You can convict that you are there for someone one but when the actions come forth and it is time for you to be there, then you lack the actions of your convictions. I am a firm believer of say and do what you mean. If you are going to be there for someone then be there for them. There is no set time limit. When you say that you are there for them that means that if they need you at 1:00am then you are there by 1:01am, regardless of what is going on in your life.
You have made the verbal pact that you are there for them, no one forced the words from your mouth. You should honor them.

Everyone gets caught up in life from time to time, but you need to be there for those that you said you would be there for at least 99% of the time. You may be wondering or thinking that I am off topic, but sadly the aforementioned words are tied together. You see, I have what some would consider a ‘supportive group of friends’, however, they never seem to be around when I need them. Don’t get me wrong, I love each and every one of them. However, I just feel abandoned 99.9% of the time.

I see them post pictures and updates of things that they are doing, social engagements that I could have been part of, but never once was a thought ever given to me, or an invitation extended. I am not all brooding and self loathing when with them, if anything I go above and beyond to be happy, jubilant, and comical in hopes that they would include me more. But I know, I'm a 3rd wheel, an added expense to an already taxing endeavor.
So here I sit. Day after day, week after week, month after month. A specter of my former self. A shell of what humanity use to be. A memory in the afterthought of the collective mind. A whisper forgotten on the winds of time.

Continue Reading...

Have you ever....

Have you ever just had that feeling that you are drowning and that nothing you do can or will make that feeling go away?
No matter how much you do, no matter how much you say, it just feels like every step forward takes you five steps back. I'm really starting to feel that way right now, and I don't like it.

I try my hardest to be a good person, and I try to do the right thing but, it only seems like it backfires and just blows up in my face. I'm constantly struggling with money issues, and I just don't know when or where there's ever going to be a break.  I just wish I knew what to do to change my situation. And it's not like I ask for much, I just want things to go a little smoother than what they do.

One of the things I really try to do, is just focus on all the positive in my life. And although I really want to do is just be happy, make my jewelry, and hang out with my friends from time to time. But apparently that's way too much to ask of the universe. I have been hanging out with my friends more which is been really good for me, and they've really enjoyed it that I've been around more. But it just feels like such a struggle in my day-to-day life. I don't always want to bombard them with the crap that's going on in my life. But it just feels like there's no one else to talk to you a lot of times. And going to counseling just really doesn't seem to help.  I'm going in and my counselor asks me how I'm doing... but that really doesn't cover the scope of how I actually AM.

I don't know I just need to connect with my higher power apparently, and see what the universe has in store for me and if anything good or new can come of it.

Continue Reading...

ABOUT INSULIN

What is insulin?

Insulin is the internal secretion of the pancreas formed by groups of cells called the islets of Langerhans. It is the hormone needed to enable glucose to enter the cells and provide energy. Insulin is also important in keeping blood glucose levels within the acceptable limits.

Insulin is injected into the body by people with type 1 diabetes in whom the cells that produce insulin have been destroyed. This is the most common form of diabetes in children and young adults, and they depend on insulin for survival. Insulin may also be used by people with type 2 diabetes, where the body needs more insulin than it can produce.

How is insulin prepared?

Since the landmark discovery of insulin by Frederick Banting and Charles Best in 1922, huge steps have been made in research and development regarding its preparation. Early preparations of insulin were purified quite crudely from pancreas tissue extracted from animals - either pigs or cattle. Today, insulin is mostly made biosynthetically by recombinant DNA technology or 'genetic engineering'.

Animal insulin

Until the 1980s, all insulin was extracted from the pancreases of cattle and pigs. The sequence of amino acids (the building blocks that make up the protein) is slightly different in insulin's from the different species. Compared to human insulin, porcine (pork) insulin has one different amino acid and bovine (beef) insulin three different amino acids. These very slight differences do not affect the way in which the insulin works inside the human body. Pork insulin is structurally closer to human insulin than is beef insulin. These days, animal insulin's are made from highly purified pancreas extracts and are marketed as 'natural' insulin's.

Human insulin

Human insulin is not prepared from human pancreas tissue. Rather than being extracted from human pancreases, commercially available human insulin is manufactured through recombinant DNA technology, in which the gene for making human insulin is transferred into simple cells such as bacteria or baker’s yeast. The insulin made by those cells is identical to insulin made by the human pancreas. Unlike animal insulin's, recombinant DNA human insulin's can be made in unlimited supply, since they do not depend on the supply of bovine and porcine pancreases.
Analogue insulin
Analogues are altered molecular versions of a natural substance (in this case insulin). They have been used in many therapies where hormone treatment is needed. The natural hormone is changed slightly, by rearranging the position of amino acids within the molecule (rather like changing the position of beads on a necklace). The insulin molecule is modified so as to give it a more desirable activity profile, thereby making it more convenient to use. These molecularly engineered hormones more closely mimic normal insulin secretion than do traditional insulin's.

Types of Insulin
Manufactured insulin comes in several types that differ in the way in which they act inside the body. Each type differs in three ways:

• Onset: the length of time after injection that the insulin begins to work
• Peak: the length of time after injection that the insulin takes to reach its maximum effectiveness
• Duration: the length of time that the insulin remains effective

The four basic types of insulin and their respective onset, peak and duration are as follows:

• Rapid-acting: begins to work after 15 minutes, peaks in 30 to 90 minutes, and has a duration of three to four hours.
• Short-acting: begins to work in 30 to 60 minutes, peaks in two to three hours, and has a duration of three to six hours.
• Intermediate-acting: begins to work in 90 minutes to six hours, peaks in four to 14 hours, and has a duration of up to 24 hours.
• Long-acting: begins to work in six to 14 hours and remains effective for 24 to 36 hours.

Many people with diabetes use combinations of theses different types of insulin to better control and manage their condition.
Sources: Diabetes Insight (www.diabetes-insight.info); Diabetes UK (www.diabetes.org.uk); Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (www.jdrf.org) Insulin use in the world
Insulin is currently underutilized in developing countries as shown in the table.
Source: King H. Insulin: availability, affordability, and harmonization. WHO Drug 1998: 4: 219-223.
Some 65% of people with diabetes live in developing countries and account for only 30% of the world's total insulin usage each year. This is in sharp contrast to the industrialized world that has 35% of the world's diabetic population but account for about 70% of the world's total insulin usage each year.
This difference cannot be entirely due to the low incidence and prevalence of type 1 in the developing countries. Moreover, only a small percentage of people with type 2 diabetes in developing countries may require insulin for survival. The consequences are that in some parts of Africa many people with type 1 diabetes under the age of 15 can expect to live for just one year after diagnosis1.

 

ORIGINAL POST FROM http://www.idf.org/about-insulin-0

Continue Reading...

Testicle Check

original content found at http://accidentalbear.com/health-check-a-rugby-teams-testicle-check-watch-video/

Im posting this because I believe this is important information for all men to know.
 

Continue Reading...

My mind…a thousand things

Continue Reading...

Being sick totally sucks

Being sick totally sucks butt. Not that being sick is ever fun, but you know what I mean. When I was little I loved being sick, because it meant that I got to stay home from school and watch tv all day.
Now as an adult it means having to fend for yourself, and dying in a pool of your own spittle and snot without anyone to take care of you. It also means missing work (which thankfully for me I work from home anyways but still…)

The other part I hate about being sick is that because I'm also Diabetic it means that my sugar levels are all over the place which is not good. Having erratic glucose levels is never good anyways but it really takes a toll on you when your sick.

Related articles

• FDA allows wearable artificial pancreas (fellipecroff100.wordpress.com)
• Artifical Pancreas for Type 1 Diabetics Approved by FDA (dailytech.com)
• How Do You Get Diabetes (rayandmartin.wordpress.com)
• What is Diabetes? (thehealthandwellnesszone.com)

Continue Reading...

Time keeps on ticking by

Typically I use to love the night time. But it seems as of late that I have come to loath the hours between 6pm and 2am (or whenever I happen to pass out).
I am just racking my mind over every little thing that happens to pop into it. I feel like there is something that is missing from my life, and I don’t know what it is. I know that this is a reoccurring theme the last month or so, but its so weird that I have this lingering ‘Sword of Damocles’ over my head.

I feel like no matter what I try to do that its not good enough, and that I'm being pulled in 12 different directions. I really just need to get away from my life for at least a week or so. But doing that would require having money, and well, I just don’t have that available to me. There are changes that I need to implement in my life and I don’t know where to start or if its just that hallow feeling that I have and the ‘need’ to fill it.

I don’t know….

Related articles

• Depression? What is happening to me? (martialchampagne.wordpress.com)
• The Damocles Sword Doctorine (intloutcry.wordpress.com)
• Self-loathing (darkatsports.wordpress.com)

Continue Reading...

Fresh Healthy Vending

So I recently found out that there is a company that is setting up Fresh Vending Machines nation wide. The vending business isn’t something new, but it is a fresh idea when you can vend healthy choices and not potato chips and soda.

“Obesity has become a health crisis of epic proportions. By making healthy foods available in convenient locations, you can take an active role in the fight!…” Dieting and choosing the right foods is sometimes really hard. You don’t want to place processed foods into your body, but having a salad can be expensive. That is what makes Fresh Vending so amazing, because for the price of a candy bar and a soda you could have a healthy alternative like a bottled water and some baby carrots.

It may seem like a ludicrous concept, but junk food consumption can lead to obesity, which is slowly killing adults and children alike. Thankfully, people are finally waking up to the health crisis of adult and childhood obesity. A healthy food movement is happening and you can lead the charge.

I think this is a revolutionary idea and wish that there was a Fresh Vending machine in my neighborhood!!

Continue Reading...

Searching for Happiness

So recently the question was posed to me, what would you do in order to find happiness. So I began thinking about it and all that I have done in my life to find said ‘happiness’.

You see long ago I learned that happiness is an illusion that is imposed upon us by outside forces. Advertisements and listening to others talk about how happy they are because they have this or that and so on. But I began to think to myself, what makes one person happy, may not make another happy. I know that for myself I can not place my happiness in minuscule things. I don’t judge or base my happiness off of what others have verses what I have or have not, that is “Keeping up with the Jones’s” type behavior.

Then while talking to someone they said “I wouldn’t be happy until I was with someone.” I thought to myself about how sad a statement that was to have been made. Why is it that people feel that in order to be happy you need to have someone in your life? I find it rather taxing to have that train of thought. You see I don’t believe you can be happy until your happy with yourself and with your life. You do not need to be forever alone, but how are you going to be happy and make another person happy if you can not spend more than 15 minutes alone, by yourself, with nothing else going on around you?

I have heard time and time again how people are looking for relationships or partners to make them more complete. I understand that we as humans need interactions with others. But why it is that people feel the need to couple without first being able to be happy on their own? I know people fear being alone and never having someone to love or that could or would love them. But forcing something just for the sake of being involved with someone is just a foreign concept to me. 

Basing your happiness on being with someone is like what Juliet said to Romeo about swearing their love on the moon “O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon, That monthly changes in her circled orb, Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.” That is exactly how I feel about people who rush into relationships or make such statements. Maybe its because I have lived and been alone for so many years, or maybe it’s because I’ve been come cynical and jaded, or maybe yet its because I know how fleeting things are. I don’t know. All that I do know is that I feel a sort of empathy for these people, and hope that they do find what they are looking for, though doubtfully they ever will, though I do wholly understand the pursuit and journey.

I have just come to understand that happiness is all around me. I don’t need someone to complete me. Would I like to have someone in my life, well of course. Do I need someone in my life, no. Do I want a family, yes that would be amazing (maybe). However, I do not base such happiness's on fleeting things or whimsical ideals.

Maybe me being alone has caused me to become calloused and unloving. But I know for myself that when I am in a relationship that I am fiercely loyal, loving and kind. However, I do not wish to have to undergo a complete change in myself and in my life in order to be in said relationship. I do understand that there are some personality traits that need to be worked upon in order for me to be more inviting of people into my life. I can make friends all day long, but bringing someone into my life as a romantic partner that is a bit more difficult.

I was speaking to a friend about this, and held back much of what I wanted to say on the subject. But it basically boils down to this (at least for me that is) that in order for someone to love you, they first need to be accepting of you. You do not come into someone's life and train them to your likings, or try to change them 100%. No, instead you come into their lives to enrich it, and to begin a new journey together.
We all have our slight character flaws which will always rub someone the wrong way no matter how you try to handle the situation. However, that is part of being in a relationship, loving them for who they are. Personal change is always a good thing, but not if it completely changes the person. Then they are a robotic copy of what you want and they become inorganic. Another thing that is key in any and all relationships is COMMUNICATION. Without communication there can not be any revenue for each others feelings. When forming relationship you need to always have strong communications. Basing your relationship on sex or another factor is just a recipe for disaster. What happens if your sex life dies out, or if you and the other person loose interest in whatever first brought you two together?

I could go on and on about this topic, but I am posing the question….what is your search for happiness? Why do you feel having that thing in your life would make you more happy? And be honest with yourself and see just what you come up with.

Continue Reading...

Cant Shake It

I am seriously feeling out of sorts. I have to many damn questions in my head and I feel lost.
I just tried to make a video for the YouTube Channel Vlog but I just stammered through it. I have this guilty feeling of needing to do more, but having no will or motivation to do more.

I am constantly tired, and after having just had dental work done, I really don’t feel like doing anything besides sleeping all day. I don’t really feel depressed, but I don’t feel optimistic either. I feel like things are slipping out of my hands. I feel like there is so much that needs to be done, but I don’t know where to begin. Why am I feeling like this?

I have so much that I want to say to people but I can not seem to find the words to express to them what I want to tell them. I feel like I am wasting my time and everyone else’s time with my (at this time) “self imposed” drama. And that is really what it feels like. That I am picking at a scab hoping that it bleeds, just for something to do. But I don’t want to be ‘that’ person. The ‘pay attention to me’ person who has to be the center of everyone’s universe. However, I don’t feel like any one is really paying attention to me.

Im hoping to be out of this funk soon. Otherwise this is going to be a VERY long winter :(

Continue Reading...

What a powerful video

This is a powerful video about the kindness of giving. Please remember what you have and what you can give today may pay off in the future.

Continue Reading...

Dental Work and Tooth Pain

So I have had tooth problems for the last few years. Just recently more so than others. I had a tooth that had a filling that fell out and the tooth ended up cracking off to the point that it was almost flush with my gum line.

Well I had it removed the other day and let me tell you, the dentist that I went to would have been thrown out of a 3rd world country for the butchery that he did. My tooth is removed however, I have an abscess the size of Montana where my tooth once was. And I’ve been living on pain killers and other RX drugs for about 3 or 4 days. I am so tired of it all and ready for it to all be over with.

Continue Reading...

Where are the answers?

I’ve been toying with this post now for about 3 days. I really have had a ton on my mind. I have a billion questions and really no answers even to the simplest ones. I am feeling spiritually, emotionally, and physically drained and lost. The worse part about it is that I have no idea what put me here and why I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

I am honestly conflicted in so many aspects of my life that I feel as if I am drowning. I have my personal life which is lacking and has been for the last 10 years, and I am trying to develop a plan or some kind of strategy to fix it and get something going or at least 3 of the 4 wheels back on the track. A really good friend of mine said that I might not want the change, or want a relationship because I have been alone so long that I am just accustomed to it or “institutionalized” as it were. I would like to think that isn’t the case, and that I am just waiting to see what plays out in all aspects and actually approaching things with a clear level head, and not rushing into things like I had in the past. I don’t want something because its “easy” and “right now” I want something that is going to be self sustaining.

The next issue that I am having is I have been very up and down with my overall health the last few weeks. Two weeks ago I got this weird stomach thing that just took away all my appetite and left me feeling sick and ‘heavy’. I think that is what really put me in a spiral because I wasn’t sleeping well, I wasn’t eating or anything. Though I am not really sure.

I keep my stress, anger, and over all general concerns and feelings to myself a lot. Yes there are those times when I do blow up and my Bipolar gets the best of me, but over all there is A LOT that I hold back. I really am trying to be less ‘in your face’ with many issues and just trying to bite my tongue and not say anything, which is hard because its in my nature to be very blunt, honest, and straight forward. However, I am noticing because I am not saying what is on my mind and being honest and truthful and just telling it how it is, that people are trying to take advantage of me and treat me different. Its quite interesting to me to see how people change when you change. Typically I put people in their place, or speak what’s on my mind about any given situation or subject and am very matter of fact, and cut dried with what I say, and don’t sugar coat anything regardless of age, or situation.
So it is really fascinating to see how people really change and act when they aren’t put in place or checked by someone who is ‘real’ or what have you. So I am going to continue playing this game for awhile and then when I’m done I will have a whole new arsenal to throw at people and will be able to be like ‘hey remember when you said/did this…well….” People forget and don’t understand that I am basically a tape recorder and can typically remember a bunch of stuff.

Another thing that has been really occupying my time is that I have  been stuck in the past. Just reminiscing about the time that has passed, and the people who have come in and out of my life. How I wish I could see them again, and how I am a better person for them having been in my life, and how some I wish they had never come in. However, over the last couple of years, I have come to the understanding that regardless of the role someone played in your life, that they came into it to teach you something. That there are no negative encounters, just learning experiences. Yes they may have caused a bunch of problems for you at the time, but that they were actually helping you to learn something in the process. This has taken a lot of maturing for me to develop this line of thinking but it helps me move forward in life.

So for now im going to leave it at that I am feeling lost, and have tons on my mind…maybe a week from now I wont feel this way..who knows right?

Continue Reading...

Doing ‘homework’

So I have been undergoing a lot of spiritual soul searching. Being an emotional person like I am, Im always plagued with questions, and am constantly searching for answers.
Sometimes those answers make themselves known, other times they never get revealed.

I have had several people tell me over the last few days that I may not be willing to change. But I honestly don’t think that I am unwilling to change. I’ve just been doing things the same way for so long that Im really not sure I will be able to change.
Im just feeling lost right now. I have so much going on in my head and cant really pin point any one direction I want to go or explore…

Continue Reading...

A simple soliloquy

Tonight under the full moon, I went out and then silent reverence let out a prayer and put it out into the universe. A simple soliloquy that came directly from my heart. I need for change, a want for change. I know there are things in this world that I cannot change, or let alone have the ability to change. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with everything that I would like to see done, that it really begins to stress me out. So tonight I went out under the full moon, and just let it all out. I put it out there for the universe to provide to me. I just put that energy out there in the world, and I know that if it's meant to be then it shall be, if not then it wasn't meant to be. There's a lot of things that I would like to do. A lot of things I would like to see, a lot of changes I want in my life. Sometimes prayer is the only thing that you can do. I find that its very relaxing, and very liberating, to just let that energy flow from you and into the universe. So tonight was a night that I felt that I would bother whatever natural forces exist, and say my silent moonlight prayer. Some call it Drawing Down the Moon, others call it prayer, I call it my alternative to counseling.

Continue Reading...

Up AnD dOwN

 

This week has been a serious burden on me. My emotions have run high, I have had panic attacks, I have cried, I have more questions than I have answers for, I have been made to feel bad, I have been faulted, I have been mocked and ridiculed, and have been depressed.

First I went and met someone I’ve been talking to for awhile. Had a really nice lunch, some nice quality time, and a nice dinner. We didn’t have any awkward silence, it was nice natural quite times. Dinner went nice. But something felt off, and I think it was me. It’s been so many years since I’ve been with someone, that I sadly lost my game I think. There was flirtation and what have you, but just my over all mojo was lacking to say the least. I do hope that we keep seeing each other and that things take off but well if it don’t then I guess that the universe still has something else in mind for me then.

I've also just been an emotional wreck. I've been stressed out, I've been weepy, angry, and just over all aggravated. I don’t know what is going on with me. I'm just all over the place with my emotions. I’ve been trying to implement some things that I learned or was told to do in counseling, which has been like pushing a boulder up a 90 degree hill with butter for shoes. My therapist has been wooting me on, and giving me great suggestions of what I should and shouldn’t do, which has really helped. I always have a pit of despair going into the session but coming out I feel empowered. And I mainly feel its because I have someone to actually talk to.

So all and all, its been extremes up’s and down’s. I so hope that this week ends on a positive note and that next week is so so SO much better!!!! 

Continue Reading...

Advising when you need advising

Sometimes I find myself giving advice when really I need it more than ever. I am the type of person that will typically put myself on the back burner to help those around me, even though my day to day attitude may seem different.

I have a very gruff exterior and only let people see parts of me when I feel that they should, when they should. But most of the time people say that Im a good guy, and fun, loveable, and carefree. There are others that would beg to differ. I find that when giving advice to others, I am subconsciously giving myself the advice and working through my problems at the moment. I pick and chose parts of my life and experiences to help those who have turned to me for help. Typically helping the both of us at the same time. Listening to others helps me as well. It helps me to understand others thought processes and give me additional insight.

Though I must admit that there are those times when people are turning to me when making life choices that I feel almost wrong or guilty for telling them what they should do when in all reality I don’t know what I would do if placed in their situation. But I guess that is what makes listening and advising so great. You provide a service to others when they are in desperate need of help or just needing someone to talk to, and subsequently giving you a sounding board too. Its kind of like therapy for the therapist if you would.

Continue Reading...

Reaching out…and not being there!

So sometimes I go through periods where I absolutely freeze up and just need someone to talk me down and help me get shit figured out. Today was one of those days.

Since having become bipolar, I find that there are times where I just freeze and get overloaded with information and need help processing things which can lead to me becoming temporarily super dependent and when I am reaching out trying to find that help to get me out of that situation and I can not find help or make contact, then I begin to have a panic/anxiety attack which then makes everything 100% worse.

I hate this about myself but well it is something that I am learning to live with. The person that I typically reach out for is my sister because 9 times out of 10 she is the one who is closest and the one who typically always helps. Well today when I had my moment and needed her, she wasn’t there to help me. I called 5 times, I called her work, sent her text messages and everything and nothing. It was when I was about to really break down that she finally called me, sporting full attitude at the fact that I was pissed off that she wasn’t answering her phone. Most people would say “well maybe she was busy” or “maybe she didn’t hear the phone” or “maybe she was out of service area”…all fine and true IF I didn’t know her coverage better than what I do.

You see she decided to go out with a friend. I know that for the most part she is 98% covered with cell signal, or at least enough to send/receive texts. THIS is what was really beginning to piss me off and cause me to really panic. To top it all off, I had my niece with me. Which I began to think (in my bipolar delusion) ‘wtf am I ever going to do if I need to get a hold of her and she wont answer her damn phone and I have to take my niece to the hospital’?

So finally when she did call back, and like I said, sporting major attitude about having to do so, I told her never mind that I didn’t need her anymore that I was having as she calls them “one of my moments” not to bother calling back, which set off the rage part of the bipolar. Thankfully my niece was there to help me regain composure but if she hadn’t been there I probably would have been on the side of the road crying my eyes out. I hate that about myself…I hate that feeling of hopelessness, and having and needing that level of dependency on someone or something to help bring things back into focus.

I know that I am 32yrs old and should be able to take care of myself, but it is hard to do when you are going into melt down mode and you just need that other person to pull you in, when you are in sensory overload.

Continue Reading...