Reaching out…and not being there!

So sometimes I go through periods where I absolutely freeze up and just need someone to talk me down and help me get shit figured out. Today was one of those days.

Since having become bipolar, I find that there are times where I just freeze and get overloaded with information and need help processing things which can lead to me becoming temporarily super dependent and when I am reaching out trying to find that help to get me out of that situation and I can not find help or make contact, then I begin to have a panic/anxiety attack which then makes everything 100% worse.

I hate this about myself but well it is something that I am learning to live with. The person that I typically reach out for is my sister because 9 times out of 10 she is the one who is closest and the one who typically always helps. Well today when I had my moment and needed her, she wasn’t there to help me. I called 5 times, I called her work, sent her text messages and everything and nothing. It was when I was about to really break down that she finally called me, sporting full attitude at the fact that I was pissed off that she wasn’t answering her phone. Most people would say “well maybe she was busy” or “maybe she didn’t hear the phone” or “maybe she was out of service area”…all fine and true IF I didn’t know her coverage better than what I do.

You see she decided to go out with a friend. I know that for the most part she is 98% covered with cell signal, or at least enough to send/receive texts. THIS is what was really beginning to piss me off and cause me to really panic. To top it all off, I had my niece with me. Which I began to think (in my bipolar delusion) ‘wtf am I ever going to do if I need to get a hold of her and she wont answer her damn phone and I have to take my niece to the hospital’?

So finally when she did call back, and like I said, sporting major attitude about having to do so, I told her never mind that I didn’t need her anymore that I was having as she calls them “one of my moments” not to bother calling back, which set off the rage part of the bipolar. Thankfully my niece was there to help me regain composure but if she hadn’t been there I probably would have been on the side of the road crying my eyes out. I hate that about myself…I hate that feeling of hopelessness, and having and needing that level of dependency on someone or something to help bring things back into focus.

I know that I am 32yrs old and should be able to take care of myself, but it is hard to do when you are going into melt down mode and you just need that other person to pull you in, when you are in sensory overload.