Where are the answers?

I’ve been toying with this post now for about 3 days. I really have had a ton on my mind. I have a billion questions and really no answers even to the simplest ones. I am feeling spiritually, emotionally, and physically drained and lost. The worse part about it is that I have no idea what put me here and why I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

I am honestly conflicted in so many aspects of my life that I feel as if I am drowning. I have my personal life which is lacking and has been for the last 10 years, and I am trying to develop a plan or some kind of strategy to fix it and get something going or at least 3 of the 4 wheels back on the track. A really good friend of mine said that I might not want the change, or want a relationship because I have been alone so long that I am just accustomed to it or “institutionalized” as it were. I would like to think that isn’t the case, and that I am just waiting to see what plays out in all aspects and actually approaching things with a clear level head, and not rushing into things like I had in the past. I don’t want something because its “easy” and “right now” I want something that is going to be self sustaining.

The next issue that I am having is I have been very up and down with my overall health the last few weeks. Two weeks ago I got this weird stomach thing that just took away all my appetite and left me feeling sick and ‘heavy’. I think that is what really put me in a spiral because I wasn’t sleeping well, I wasn’t eating or anything. Though I am not really sure.

I keep my stress, anger, and over all general concerns and feelings to myself a lot. Yes there are those times when I do blow up and my Bipolar gets the best of me, but over all there is A LOT that I hold back. I really am trying to be less ‘in your face’ with many issues and just trying to bite my tongue and not say anything, which is hard because its in my nature to be very blunt, honest, and straight forward. However, I am noticing because I am not saying what is on my mind and being honest and truthful and just telling it how it is, that people are trying to take advantage of me and treat me different. Its quite interesting to me to see how people change when you change. Typically I put people in their place, or speak what’s on my mind about any given situation or subject and am very matter of fact, and cut dried with what I say, and don’t sugar coat anything regardless of age, or situation.
So it is really fascinating to see how people really change and act when they aren’t put in place or checked by someone who is ‘real’ or what have you. So I am going to continue playing this game for awhile and then when I’m done I will have a whole new arsenal to throw at people and will be able to be like ‘hey remember when you said/did this…well….” People forget and don’t understand that I am basically a tape recorder and can typically remember a bunch of stuff.

Another thing that has been really occupying my time is that I have  been stuck in the past. Just reminiscing about the time that has passed, and the people who have come in and out of my life. How I wish I could see them again, and how I am a better person for them having been in my life, and how some I wish they had never come in. However, over the last couple of years, I have come to the understanding that regardless of the role someone played in your life, that they came into it to teach you something. That there are no negative encounters, just learning experiences. Yes they may have caused a bunch of problems for you at the time, but that they were actually helping you to learn something in the process. This has taken a lot of maturing for me to develop this line of thinking but it helps me move forward in life.

So for now im going to leave it at that I am feeling lost, and have tons on my mind…maybe a week from now I wont feel this way..who knows right?