They say a picture is worth a thousand words. If this is true then what does this picture say about me and my current mood.
I am have been feeling like I’m constantly lost, or without purpose and direction. I feel trapped in my life, with no where to turn.
I am constantly depressed and feeling low. I just don’t know anymore.
I’ve toyed with the idea of just running away, but well my obligations to my pets keep me at bay. I love my 2 cats and my 2 rats. Even when I'm at my worse they give me something to fixate over, and help to draw my attention away from what bothers me, even if for a moment.
I am happy that I have been accepted for beta testing products as of late though, so that has taken some of my depression away. But it just seems like night time is the worse for me. I use to find comfort in the dark, and even courted it in my youth. But now it’s the long hours before bed that seem to etch themselves upon my mind that really drives me crazy.
I honestly feel like I did back in 2007 – 2008 when I was super depressed, sick, and dying. Where I would spend countless hours, a prisoner in my own house, locked away in my room, with the smell of death and sick in the air. When I was rotting away in my bed in intolerable heat, and agony just wish for release, listening to the voices in my head and in the dark whisper to me that I was dying, and me not caring. You wouldn’t think that a year would warp someone so profoundly but I feel that it truly has.
I truly wonder if people actually care, or are so programmed by society and political correctiveness that they automatically spew out sentiments of concern and well wishes, and go through the motions of patting you on the back, telling you that it is ok, that they are there for you, that everything will get better…yet where are they when you look around and see nothing but dust and clutter? I know that they mean well…but meaning well and being there in actions are different things.
You can convict that you are there for someone one but when the actions come forth and it is time for you to be there, then you lack the actions of your convictions. I am a firm believer of say and do what you mean. If you are going to be there for someone then be there for them. There is no set time limit. When you say that you are there for them that means that if they need you at 1:00am then you are there by 1:01am, regardless of what is going on in your life.
You have made the verbal pact that you are there for them, no one forced the words from your mouth. You should honor them.
Everyone gets caught up in life from time to time, but you need to be there for those that you said you would be there for at least 99% of the time. You may be wondering or thinking that I am off topic, but sadly the aforementioned words are tied together. You see, I have what some would consider a ‘supportive group of friends’, however, they never seem to be around when I need them. Don’t get me wrong, I love each and every one of them. However, I just feel abandoned 99.9% of the time.
I see them post pictures and updates of things that they are doing, social engagements that I could have been part of, but never once was a thought ever given to me, or an invitation extended. I am not all brooding and self loathing when with them, if anything I go above and beyond to be happy, jubilant, and comical in hopes that they would include me more. But I know, I'm a 3rd wheel, an added expense to an already taxing endeavor.
So here I sit. Day after day, week after week, month after month. A specter of my former self. A shell of what humanity use to be. A memory in the afterthought of the collective mind. A whisper forgotten on the winds of time.
Posts
Have you ever just had that feeling that you are drowning and that nothing you do can or will make that feeling go away?
So the last few days I’ve been really upset because I just feel like I haven’t had a voice, and whenever I do say something that I am chastised for doing so.
