Hurt, finding hope, and holding space

It's been awhile since I've posted, so where to begin? 

I've made it my mission to make 2026 the year of investing in myself. I've begun by renovating my wardrobe. Purchasing beautiful new clothing, and making more of a physical investment for myself. I love nice clothing, and having fabulous accessories.

2024 taught me who was in my corner and what happens when I start focusing on my life without those people in it. It also showed me that with hard work and devotion I was able to publish my book. 2025 taught me who I was, and my place in the world, and became the catalyst for mental health care. 2026 I vowed not to allow anyone access to my peace, and to invest in connections and self, not clutter.

This brand new holistic approach that I am taking for myself has also placed me in the midst of being counselor for others which is amazing unto itself. One such interaction happened the night of me writing this post. A new friend is going through a tremendous amount of changes and stress and their mental health is not where it needs to be and just listening to them talk about how dark things are getting for them and being able to see part of myself in their story I understand where they are at and how much work needs to be done and how that work feels so monumental at the same time. And so for several hours today we just spoke and allowed tears to flow and just allowed things to kind of take place where they wherever the conversation lettuce is where we went. And looking at the disassociative identity disorder I felt my therapist side come forward and was fronting and being comforting and being logistical and listening to what was being said not for the ability to react but for the ability to understand I did a lot of what my peer counseling education taught us to do that we listen more than we talk and when we talk we utilize our own personal stories that are relevant to the conversation at hand and to bring our pure closer to us so that it doesn't seem like they are wondering through this vast darkness by themselves and always promoting hope always promoting acceptance and always promoting self advocacy and speaking to their strengths. And where it has left me emotionally drained especially since I have been going through some rather difficult bipolar moments that until just recently I had no idea where this surge in emotional feelings actually connected at and I realized that on February 14th is when I had to place my cat at into the vet and euthanize her and just how absolutely horrible I felt and how quiet the house was and how just absolutely distraught I was and then needing to talk to my biological mom needing to talk to my dad needing to talk to my grandmother and realizing that none of them are here any longer has really stirred up of myriad of emotions. 

But through it all I must comes that I'm getting rather good about the things that have taken place and I look forward to the future.

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Same energy as 2025

 Well, we are halfway through the first month of 2026 and it so far has been the same if not worse than 2025. I know that I have very little to complain about in the grand scheme of things, but I still get overwhelmed with everything. I know that my "bad day" is someone's best day and I have to try to keep that in mind. But since the week before Thanksgiving to now it seems like it has been one uphill battle after another. Thankfully I have a good support system. But I feel like I am a burden to many, even though they are too polite to really say anything.

I have a lot of things that I want to get accomplished this year; however, I am also not going to "white knuckle" it and try to impose my will upon the universe. I am going to just take things one day at a time and hope for the best. They say that this year according to the Chinese New Year is the year of the Fire Horse. So, it is my hope that I am going to just hold onto the reigns of the horse and allow it to blaze a pathway for wherever that takes me. I do not want to try and lead the horse in any one direction. I feel that if I truly surrender my life over to whatever higher power there may be and allow myself to drift in the currents of life, that I will be where I need to be.

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Happy New Year 2026

 

Well here we  are in the year 2026, Happy New Year.

Just 2 days into the new year and seeing the already looming Sword of Damocles suspended over the entirety of the nation, and my life in general.

I refuse to allow others to have access to my peace this year. I have made no resolutions, just goals that I am going to try and keep. Right now my biggest goal is just getting my car back up and running and taking better care of it. Not that I didn't have all the maintained services and oil changes done when it needed to be done. Just in general. My time without it has really been an eye opener. However, thankfully, my DID has seemed to hold off the typical panic attack that I would be having over not being freely independent. 

Also I want to be more present for myself this year. 24 & 25 taught me some hard life lessons, and I started to take my life back under control about June of 25. So we will see what transpires.

What are you most hopeful this year my dear reader?

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The frustrations of adulting

In this day and age, why is it that we still have to be on "hold" when we call into a company? They are not ones to wait to collect payments, or when they want information, or anything really. We're to jump through hoops, listen to countless hours of horrible hold music, and only to get to a representative who either cannot help us, doesn't speak our language so doesn't understand us or we them. Or to wait on hold for over 30 minutes for the call to drop. 

We can gather images from the very depths of space, and see things that no human has ever before, yet you walk into your kitchen and your call drops.

Today finds me trying to get ahold of Medicare in order to change my drug plan, otherwise I will be charged $75 a month from my $9.70 that I currently pay. Now I am not going to complain because I know that there are people out there that pay way, way, way more than I do. But still, I shouldn't have to be on hold until after the holidays. Like I have this vision of them leaving, going home, celebrating the holidays, and here I am a skeleton still listening to their shitty hold music. The mental image is laughable. But at the time of writing this I have been on hold for almost 45 minutes, collectively, after holding for almost 30 minutes prior and having the call disconnect.

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Virtual Fitness Challenges and more

So, since August I have been enrolling in Virtual Fitness Challenge's, and I have found myself really enjoying them. Each of them giving me a new challenge, and a new goal to reach. It all started with My Adventure Challenge, where I had to walk 50 miles from September 1st to October 31st. I was able to complete it within 3 weeks. Doing about 3 to 4 miles a day.

Im really enjoying it. The movement, the knowing that my efforts to lose weight and becoming healthier are going toward some great causes. Each medal is a milestone marker for me. I remember the work and effort that I put into obtaining it. Not just the physical work but the financial work too. And where I do live on a limited income, I am trying to set aside a very little amount each month to join in these challenges.

If you are trying to figure out how and what to do in order to get yourself to start losing weight, or just moving more, all you need to do is open your door and walk the neighborhood. If you can't walk that far, look for exercises you can do while sitting. Theres a really amazing content creator that I follow called Downsizing Natti Instagram YouTube

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Getting back on track

 So, after my bout with depression I have somewhat sprung back into sync with my Fitness Challenges and working toward my goals.

I have, since my last post, finished my Suicide Awareness and Prevention challenge. With this, that finalizes fitness challenge with #virtualpaceseries for the month of October. These 32.94 miles that I've done have taken me on my own journey into my thoughts of #suicide and the stigma around mental health and the loneliness of men's mental health.

Anyone who knows me can say I'm anything but typical in the male department. But I still have that unique understanding and that #maleego #malepride of having to be tough and shoulder the burden and not be one in return. To take on everyone else's issues while barely holding on to my own. To be the man my dad wanted to be, and feeling like I fall short of that daily.

Spending serval hours a week, sitting across from two different therapists, psychoanalyzing the fractured memories and traumatic past to try to put together somebody who the world can look at and say "that's my friend...that's somebody that I can count on..."

So every step I took this last month. Every hard day. Every muscle ache. Every tear that fell because my depression flared up. I dedicate these steps and miles to the countless people, all the men, women, they's, them's, and everyone in between, to you. You're not alone. Keep moving forward. Even if the only thing you can do is just make it to the next second/minute/hour/day, is brush your hair. Eat your 5th bowl of cereal. Re-watch that one comfort movie/ show for the thousandth time. Keep going; your story doesn't stop here!

Reach out to someone you can trust and get it up off of your chest. They would rather help carry your darkness than your coffin. It's vulnerable and hard, but you're worth the personal discomfort! It doesn't make you weak. It proves how strong you are!

Now the next challenge for the month of November is my Day of the Dead fitness challenge with #VPSFitness

#mentalhealth #walkingforfitness #walkingforlife #walkingfordiabetes #corestrengthening #corestrenght #diabeticwarrior #diabeticwalking #smallsteps #smallstepstobigchange #keepmoving #plussizehiker #plussizehiking #notsponsored #notsponsoredbutshouldbe #challengeyourself #walkingforacause #virtualchallenges #selfdedication

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Motivation where?

 So, after this last bout of depression, I have lost most if not all of my motivation. I have done nothing more than eat and sleep the last few weeks. And it is starting to get to me. Yesterday I ate all day and laid in bed. I was invited out, but the actual thought of having to put clothes on, and venture outside was more than I could muster, even though I desperately needed to get out of my house. The most I've done since Friday is open the door for a moment look around outside and close it and go back to my bedroom. 

I have been eating my meals in bed again. I have just nested. I don't like this, but I cannot seem to find the will to get out of my house let alone my bed unless I absolutely have to. I've even stopped swimming as much as I have been, using my friend's injury as an excuse, to my factual excuse of just not having the money for gas to go into town 4 times a day like I need to.

However, if this self-imposed hibernation is going to continue, then I need to put my "down time" to work and at least do some chores around the house. 

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The return of depression

So as wth every fall leading in on the winter months, my depression has seemed to return. I find it funny that it should return only days after I completed a Mental Health Challenge called Choose the Light, with this company called Virutal Pacer Series.

I don't pretend to uderstand why my depression comes and goes. However, I am beginning to be able to pin point its orgins pretty well. And this bout started October 4th during a music event being held at the bar I like going to. Now all that I can do is just sit back and wait for it to come to a conclusion. 

While that is taking place, I do not know what I should be doing with myself at the moment. I feel like I should be writing. I feel like I should be taking some classes. I feel like I should just sleep until March. And I feel like I should really dig my heels in and just throw myself head first into all of it and  just power through the whole ordeal

Either way I know that its going to be a long winter if thi

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 October 1st I started a new Challenge with Virtual Pace Series called "Choose the Light"

This challenge is one dedicated #suicideawareness As you may know I deal with mental health issues and suicide ideology, which is something many others struggle with too. 

So, it's my hope that during my time set to raising awareness that I'm able to not only help myself as we transition into the winter months and the gloomy season, that I'm able to help others in their time of need and to be able to reflect on my own struggles and learn to ask for help regardless of how depressed I am.

Mental health is something that we all experience from time to time and for most (myself included) it's a lifelong battle. If you have been a consumer of my content for any period of time, then you'll know this about me. So, when I saw that there was a challenge that was dedicated to mental health and suicide, I knew this had to be something that I took part in. 

I have already done 5.91 miles toward my 5k or 3.1 miles goal which has completely exceeded what I originally signed up for, so I think the furthest that I can go for this challenge is Half marathon which is 13.01 miles or 21.09K. At the very least I am going to push for the 10k or 6.2 miles.

For those of you in the United States if you are dealing with Mental Health issues or are in crisis, please call 988 for the National Crisis Line. If you are a member of the Queer Community and want to speak to someone who is more familiar with the unique issues Queer persons experience, please reach out to The Trevor Project 24/7 Suicide Hotline for LGBTQ Youth - We’re here for you Now www.thetrevorproject.org tel:1-866-488-7386 sms:678678 or https://chat.trvr.org/ 

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Fall once again

 So, life has been fairly good the last few weeks. There was some stress and duress and a small bout of depression and anxiety, but thankfully nothing like Fall of 2024 when I was the most suicidal, I had been ever. This time last year I had so much piled up on me that it was just overwhelming. I had my book that was about to be published, that was far behind the deadline that I was comfortable with. My father's birthday hit me hard that year. Plus, a person who I thought was a friend, ended our 14yr friendship, plus caused another person to remove themselves from my life.

I just keep thinking back and trying to figure out why things were so difficult then vs now. Sure, I've had my ups and downs this year, but strangely nothing as bad. I feel healthier than I ever have been. I'm losing weight, and I am able to walk longer and further than ever before. I can actually feel the muscles developing under the fat. When I place my hands on my sides it feels strong and not squishy and pillowy. I've challenged myself to swimming at least a mile a day. I took on not one but two different fitness challenges. One that I have to walk 50 miles from September 1st to October 31st, and one that I have to swim 5 miles for The American Cancer Society. 
As of writing this post, I have completed 4.60 miles of the ACS challenge, and 13.71 total for my #fall50challenge

I think the other thing that has helped me this time around is that I am back in therapy and seeing two different therapists. If you have been following along with the YouTube Channel or the Podcast you will know about this journey and the new self-discoveries made during this. I'm still working on my writing projects. I still need to re-edit my currently published book Carpe Diem Scroto 365 Daily Affirmations, but have been working more on my two upcoming books Carpe Diem Viate, and The Healed Child and the Toxic Environment/The Healing Child and the Toxic Parent (working titles) both of which I am putting a lot of time into. Right now, The Healed Child is the one I am focusing the most on at the moment. It is picking a lot of the scabs that have healed, and dredging up old memories, and having to take a moment to sit with them, digest them, and put fingers to keyboard to type it out, and then change it to protect those persons who are still alive and that could be affected by my use of real world, lived life experiences. 

So that is life in a nutshell at this moment in time. I hope you take some time to check out the YouTube Channel and the Podcast, and give the books website a gander. 

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