So if you've watched any of the YouTube videos that I have uploaded in the past 2 weeks, or listened to the Podcast at all you will know that I am not doing that good right now. There is aton of things that I haven't said on camera or on the podcast that have really be weighing on me.
Lately the new thoughts of self-harm have arisen and I have no idea where the hell that has come from. Not like suicide or anything like that, but the physical act of harming myself. I have never been a cutter or anything like that. The closet thing to that I ever did was carve the initials of me and this person who I was really into at the time on my leg, like you would carve it onto a tree. I took a bunch of pills and used probably a pound of ice and a compass to dig into my leg. But that wasn't to "hurt" myself it was to show "love" for the other person...you know the crazy shit teens do.
But this has been something new for me and as someone who studies mental health, and lives with it as well, this is all new territory for me. I don't plan on actually following through with it, and I do have access to lethal means, but have no actual plan to do it. It's falling into the category of my ideation more so than anything. But all of this is also compounded feelings of hopelessness and being overwhelmed with the bullshit my biological mother is going through, as well as my own stresses about getting the book published, and dealing with new health issues, and everything between.
I don't really know when this is all going to stop. But I do hope that it is soon. Im thankful that I'm not still trying to write the book because I wouldn't want this energy going anywhere near it. Today has been a good day so far. I went grocery shopping with my sister, and a friend worked on my car some. But it was almost instantly when I walked in the door, all the racing thoughts, and the bipolar mood swings hitting me all at once. So maybe it's just the house right now. But I am going to be reaching out to my psychiatrist and seeing if I can get a zoom meeting if nothing else just to talk things over. Or I may reach out to 988 to see if I can talk things over with someone there.
But for right now I'm doing like I said "ok" but it's still rather taxing to deal with my brain wanting to hold itself hostage.