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WHAT THE ACUTAL FUCK
Cautiously Optimistic and pushing through
It seems as if life has been going two separate directions and i am caught in the undertow of it. Were the rest of the world is speeding by, and we already find ourselves knocking on June's door, I still feel as if it were December. So, my internal clock is off, and I think it's partly due to the Disassociate Identity Disorder and just being in a mental pause right now.
There is a ton that some part of me wants and needs to complete but then there are the other sides of me that are warming their hands by the dumpster fire that I symbolically find myself in right now. I am trying to make some big changes in my life and at the same time it feels like I am dragging these weights around that are keeping me from moving forward and that by doing so I'm falling into this complacent pseudo hibernation mode.
Dusting off the "professional" side of me and trying to connect the dots to make lateral moves is nice and refreshing as it is a side of me that I tend to really love. Spending hours in front of the computer doing research and networking, sending emails, and just being "office" productive. Meanwhile, my other personalities want nothing more than to be that teenager sitting in front of the tv playing video games and waiting for mom to come home and make dinner. While still the other parts of me want to retreat or fix up the living space and go full domestic mode. And then there is the "Main Me" that is feeling off of this internally and having racing thoughts while also having needs and wants that do not align with any other part of me.
My physical health is declining due to the lack of daily movement outside of swimming. I'm no longer walking or doing any physical activities like I was and lost all motivation for that AGAIN and I'm mad at myself for allowing that to be lost.
So, what is the solution? I do not currently know. All that I do know is that I am basically running on endorphins and spite.
Whats been going on
This week finally feels like it’s turning a corner. That cough I’ve been dragging around for weeks is finally easing up, and I can actually breathe without sounding like I’m auditioning for a tragic period drama. Even the inhaler isn’t knocking me sideways anymore, which feels like a small victory.
Saturday was one of those rare, really good days. I got to spend the whole day with my sister — something we don’t get nearly enough of. We ended up at the movies, which is basically my happy place. Dinner and a movie will forever be my idea of the perfect date. Simple, affordable, and it just works.
We saw Devil Wears Prada 2, and honestly, it surprised me in the best way. If you loved the first one, this sequel feels like a natural continuation. Somewhere in the middle of it, I had this moment where I realized how much Anne Hathaway’s role in The Intern mirrors what Andy could’ve become — the boss who once learned from a boss. This version of Andy is older, wiser, more grounded. A few familiar faces show up, and they definitely left the door cracked open for a part three. A couple filler moments, sure, but overall it flowed beautifully.
After the movie, we wandered around, grabbed lunch, and I picked up a Regal Cinemas Cup Funko Pop. I’d show it off, but I’m currently dressed for a Zoom call and not about to go digging through bags. It’ll get its moment.
Sunday rolled in with my usual routine — my weekly 9:30 a.m. call with Mom. We talk for at least an hour, sometimes more, and it’s become one of those grounding rituals I really look forward to. The weather was warm enough for shorts, so I headed to the farmers market for sourdough and honey. The honey was pricey but worth it, especially knowing it came from a local micro‑farm. SNAP EBT matched my $5, so I walked away with $10 in tokens. The bread, however, was long gone. That’s what I get for showing up late. Next time, Saturday morning it is.
Monday’s YMCA aerobics class absolutely wrecked me. And that was the light version. My thighs, knees, calves, shins, hips, and lower back all filed formal complaints. The soreness stuck around through Tuesday, but honestly, I needed that kind of push. Walking isn’t cutting it anymore, so I’m leaning into a mix of aerobics and swimming. Maybe aerobics on Mondays and Thursdays, swimming on Tuesdays and Fridays. Still figuring out the rhythm, but it feels good to be moving again.
Since the market betrayed me on the bread front, I’ve been daydreaming about baking my own sourdough — stuffed with whole garlic cloves and fresh rosemary. The kind where the garlic turns buttery and soft inside the loaf. Egg wash on top for shine. Slice it up next to a caprese salad with Trader Joe’s balsamic glaze (now $3.99 because inflation is rude). And yes, that glaze is incredible on vanilla ice cream. Don’t knock it till you try it.
Today I’ve got an in‑person therapy session, and I’ve been gathering old paperwork to bring with me. I found my Social Security hearing documents — evaluations, scores, notes, depositions. Reading through them was… a lot. Strange seeing yourself through the eyes of professionals who only knew fragments of your life. Still, I’m grateful for the chance to process it all face‑to‑face.
It’s also been a week full of unexpected community moments. A pharmacist asked if I ever finished my book (published November 2023 — wild). I told her I’d sign a copy if she picks one up. Same offer went out to a friend’s sister at the bar. At this point, half the town knows me, so getting a signed copy is basically a local scavenger hunt.
And then there was the parking lot conversation at the market. I ran into someone I’ve seen at her lowest. A helicopter flew overhead for a Flight for Life call — they stage at our tiny airport near the Canadian border — and she teared up. The kind of tears that reminded me of my biological mom’s struggles. She’s clean now but dealing with friends slipping into psychosis. My gut said, “Talk to her,” so I did. We stood there between parked cars having a real conversation — no office, no clipboard, just two humans trying to figure life out.
Before we parted, I shook her hand and said, “I’m Michael. I’m proud of you. You’ve seen rock bottom. Don’t let anyone drag you back there.” She asked if I was an angel. I laughed. “I’ve been called worse.” Sometimes the best counseling happens in the most ordinary places.
So that’s the week — healing lungs, movie epiphanies, sore muscles, bread cravings, therapy prep, and community connection. A reminder that progress isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s a conversation in a parking lot or a loaf of bread you haven’t baked yet.
You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got. Don’t let anyone else define your worth. In a world full of Karens, choose to care.
Thanks for reading.
Hurt, finding hope, and holding space
Same energy as 2025
Well, we are halfway through the first month of 2026 and it so far has been the same if not worse than 2025. I know that I have very little to complain about in the grand scheme of things, but I still get overwhelmed with everything. I know that my "bad day" is someone's best day and I have to try to keep that in mind. But since the week before Thanksgiving to now it seems like it has been one uphill battle after another. Thankfully I have a good support system. But I feel like I am a burden to many, even though they are too polite to really say anything.
I have a lot of things that I want to get accomplished this year; however, I am also not going to "white knuckle" it and try to impose my will upon the universe. I am going to just take things one day at a time and hope for the best. They say that this year according to the Chinese New Year is the year of the Fire Horse. So, it is my hope that I am going to just hold onto the reigns of the horse and allow it to blaze a pathway for wherever that takes me. I do not want to try and lead the horse in any one direction. I feel that if I truly surrender my life over to whatever higher power there may be and allow myself to drift in the currents of life, that I will be where I need to be.
Happy New Year 2026
Well here we are in the year 2026, Happy New Year.
Just 2 days into the new year and seeing the already looming Sword of Damocles suspended over the entirety of the nation, and my life in general.
I refuse to allow others to have access to my peace this year. I have made no resolutions, just goals that I am going to try and keep. Right now my biggest goal is just getting my car back up and running and taking better care of it. Not that I didn't have all the maintained services and oil changes done when it needed to be done. Just in general. My time without it has really been an eye opener. However, thankfully, my DID has seemed to hold off the typical panic attack that I would be having over not being freely independent.
Also I want to be more present for myself this year. 24 & 25 taught me some hard life lessons, and I started to take my life back under control about June of 25. So we will see what transpires.
What are you most hopeful this year my dear reader?
The frustrations of adulting
We can gather images from the very depths of space, and see things that no human has ever before, yet you walk into your kitchen and your call drops.
Today finds me trying to get ahold of Medicare in order to change my drug plan, otherwise I will be charged $75 a month from my $9.70 that I currently pay. Now I am not going to complain because I know that there are people out there that pay way, way, way more than I do. But still, I shouldn't have to be on hold until after the holidays. Like I have this vision of them leaving, going home, celebrating the holidays, and here I am a skeleton still listening to their shitty hold music. The mental image is laughable. But at the time of writing this I have been on hold for almost 45 minutes, collectively, after holding for almost 30 minutes prior and having the call disconnect.
Virtual Fitness Challenges and more
So, since August I have been enrolling in Virtual Fitness Challenge's, and I have found myself really enjoying them. Each of them giving me a new challenge, and a new goal to reach. It all started with My Adventure Challenge, where I had to walk 50 miles from September 1st to October 31st. I was able to complete it within 3 weeks. Doing about 3 to 4 miles a day.
Im really enjoying it. The movement, the knowing that my efforts to lose weight and becoming healthier are going toward some great causes. Each medal is a milestone marker for me. I remember the work and effort that I put into obtaining it. Not just the physical work but the financial work too. And where I do live on a limited income, I am trying to set aside a very little amount each month to join in these challenges.
If you are trying to figure out how and what to do in order to get yourself to start losing weight, or just moving more, all you need to do is open your door and walk the neighborhood. If you can't walk that far, look for exercises you can do while sitting. Theres a really amazing content creator that I follow called Downsizing Natti Instagram YouTube
Getting back on track
So, after my bout with depression I have somewhat sprung back into sync with my Fitness Challenges and working toward my goals.
I have, since my last post, finished my Suicide Awareness and Prevention challenge. With this, that finalizes fitness challenge with #virtualpaceseries for the month of October. These 32.94 miles that I've done have taken me on my own journey into my thoughts of #suicide and the stigma around mental health and the loneliness of men's mental health.
Anyone who knows me can say I'm anything but typical in the male department. But I still have that unique understanding and that #maleego #malepride of having to be tough and shoulder the burden and not be one in return. To take on everyone else's issues while barely holding on to my own. To be the man my dad wanted to be, and feeling like I fall short of that daily.
Spending serval hours a week, sitting across from two different therapists, psychoanalyzing the fractured memories and traumatic past to try to put together somebody who the world can look at and say "that's my friend...that's somebody that I can count on..."
So every step I took this last month. Every hard day. Every muscle ache. Every tear that fell because my depression flared up. I dedicate these steps and miles to the countless people, all the men, women, they's, them's, and everyone in between, to you. You're not alone. Keep moving forward. Even if the only thing you can do is just make it to the next second/minute/hour/day, is brush your hair. Eat your 5th bowl of cereal. Re-watch that one comfort movie/ show for the thousandth time. Keep going; your story doesn't stop here!
Reach out to someone you can trust and get it up off of your chest. They would rather help carry your darkness than your coffin. It's vulnerable and hard, but you're worth the personal discomfort! It doesn't make you weak. It proves how strong you are!
Now the next challenge for the month of November is my Day of the Dead fitness challenge with #VPSFitness
#mentalhealth #walkingforfitness #walkingforlife #walkingfordiabetes #corestrengthening #corestrenght #diabeticwarrior #diabeticwalking #smallsteps #smallstepstobigchange #keepmoving #plussizehiker #plussizehiking #notsponsored #notsponsoredbutshouldbe #challengeyourself #walkingforacause #virtualchallenges #selfdedication
Motivation where?
So, after this last bout of depression, I have lost most if not all of my motivation. I have done nothing more than eat and sleep the last few weeks. And it is starting to get to me. Yesterday I ate all day and laid in bed. I was invited out, but the actual thought of having to put clothes on, and venture outside was more than I could muster, even though I desperately needed to get out of my house. The most I've done since Friday is open the door for a moment look around outside and close it and go back to my bedroom.
I have been eating my meals in bed again. I have just nested. I don't like this, but I cannot seem to find the will to get out of my house let alone my bed unless I absolutely have to. I've even stopped swimming as much as I have been, using my friend's injury as an excuse, to my factual excuse of just not having the money for gas to go into town 4 times a day like I need to.
However, if this self-imposed hibernation is going to continue, then I need to put my "down time" to work and at least do some chores around the house.














