Stress, Depression, and more

 So if you've watched any of the YouTube videos that I have uploaded in the past 2 weeks, or listened to the Podcast at all you will know that I am not doing that good right now. There is aton of things that I haven't said on camera or on the podcast that have really be weighing on me.

Lately the new thoughts of self-harm have arisen and I have no idea where the hell that has come from. Not like suicide or anything like that, but the physical act of harming myself. I have never been a cutter or anything like that. The closet thing to that I ever did was carve the initials of me and this person who I was really into at the time on my leg, like you would carve it onto a tree. I took a bunch of pills and used probably a pound of ice and a compass to dig into my leg. But that wasn't to "hurt" myself it was to show "love" for the other person...you know the crazy shit teens do.
But this has been something new for me and as someone who studies mental health, and lives with it as well, this is all new territory for me. I don't plan on actually following through with it, and I do have access to lethal means, but have no actual plan to do it. It's falling into the category of my ideation more so than anything. But all of this is also compounded feelings of hopelessness and being overwhelmed with the bullshit my biological mother is going through, as well as my own stresses about getting the book published, and dealing with new health issues, and everything between.

I don't really know when this is all going to stop. But I do hope that it is soon. Im thankful that I'm not still trying to write the book because I wouldn't want this energy going anywhere near it. Today has been a good day so far. I went grocery shopping with my sister, and a friend worked on my car some. But it was almost instantly when I walked in the door, all the racing thoughts, and the bipolar mood swings hitting me all at once. So maybe it's just the house right now. But I am going to be reaching out to my psychiatrist and seeing if I can get a zoom meeting if nothing else just to talk things over. Or I may reach out to 988 to see if I can talk things over with someone there.

But for right now I'm doing like I said "ok" but it's still rather taxing to deal with my brain wanting to hold itself hostage. 

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Reflections of 2024 seven months in

 What can i say about 2024 so far? Well, there has been a lot of changes for me, and some milestones met, and new passions ignited and some moments of depression, and others of pure joy, happiness, and gratitude. I started off 24 with an outlook of middle of the road enthusiasm. However, January found me completing my manuscript and from that getting interviewed on several pod casts, becoming an accidental Beta Tester, and starting the steps i needed to start getting the book published. February and most of March found me in a depressive slump. April found me in a straight up panic about my housing and trying to get that figured out. May had me holding my first public fundraising event, and June and July have found me just being anxious yet grateful for my life as it is thus far. I have ups and downs like everyone else, but it is also highly favored right now too. I've been blessed with cleaning my house and getting rid of old items and making my home a home again. 

The other day I just sat in quite awe of my home, my life, and the steps that I've taken to get to this point. However, I am no longer built for heat of any type, anything above 65 and I'm dying. but an amazing opportunity appeared in a free portable air conditioner from a low-income program that I am part of. Mind you I have a large window unit that has sat unused still in the box it came in, on a chair in my living room because I cannot install it by myself, and though I've asked many people to help, none have. So, like many items in my life, I will have a backup if anything happens.

Im not a religious person, but I am a spiritual one and i just had to take some time to put a thank you out into the universe and be mindful of where Ive been and how far I've come. 

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Playing with my MacBook Air

A few years ago I was given a MacBook Air a few years ago and never really did anything with it as it was somewhat outdated and I couldn't upgrade to the latest OS which at the time was Catalina. Well I figured out how to go about installing new OS's onto "outdated" computers with a video I came across on YouTube and went from there. So all day yesterday I upgraded my computer to Sonoma which at the time of writing this, is the latest OS. Im a PC person through and through, and only really used Mac in college and back in the early days of computing before I got my very first PC. So getting use to the layout and the commands and keyboard shortcuts is a very novel experience.

 But with it now up and going and with the latest OS and being able to download the apps I've wanted and needed to use, I believe I'm going to be using this laptop more often. Especially when doing my YouTube Videos and my Podcasting, though it may be rather hard to make the switch since everything is pretty much automated on my phone. But the intentions are there lol.

 

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Cleaning up the last 9 years

 Depression and mental health will cause one to do things that are not typical of who you were before they became part of your life. I look back over the years and see where things have changed, and the slight gradual build up to where I am at this very moment.

Over the last few days, I with the help of some good friends, have begun excavating the layers of pain, hurt, and mental illness. Each ticking second of the living room clock, ticks the next layer to be thrown into the overflowing trashcan. The music blaring in the background hits my ear but doesn't fully register the rhythm and lyrical stylings. 

My body is present, and automatically going through the motions. Randomly throwing things into the 55-gallon bag, while some small part keeps tally of all the money, all of the emotion, and all of the false need that each item holds. Each moment finds me swimming through floods of images, emotions, and money spent collecting each item. Things crammed into every nook and cranny like some dragon hoard, with nearly enough space for the air in the room to slip through. Looking at towering piles of forgotten items, wondering if I should even begin disturbing its resting place, in the futile attempts to regain some semblance of the home I once had, before the intrusive thoughts of a mentally ill mind moved in.

A filing cabinet with boxes stacked to the ceiling, with layers of who knows what cascading below it. A filing cabinet that has not been opened in probably 9 years or more. The arcane documents therein, more than likely no longer relevant after such a long period of time. My body screaming for the comforting embrace of my bed, like a vampire fleeing from the burning rays of the morning sun, so to does my want and desire to lay in bed call to me. My body longing for the caress of the comforter, and the softness of the pillows, and the cool breeze from the fans positioned throughout the room. A room in need of cleaning like most the other parts of the house. But in its disastrous state, a peace and a comfort that would make others uncomfortable.

A momentary reprieve in writing this just to take a few moments to rest before returning to the task at hand. Always propelling my tired and broken spirit and body towards an unforeseeable conclusion. A conclusion with no clear time or date of completion, just the daunting mechanisms of pseudo mechanical marching with slow forward progression. 

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It was a day

 Today was both a good day and a hard day all in one. The good aspects of it were that I got to spend time with friends, and they helped me with some things that needed to be done around the house. We got to laugh, listen to music, and get some things done that have needed to be done for a long time.

The bad aspect of it was that I felt like I was holding them hostage and that it was something they were doing out of some sort of obligation, and like they had to "rescue" me. I know the later was probably not the case, however, the old lump of flesh between my ears, is listening to the wrong voices, and the Depression is talking really loudly right now. 

I was doing really good until the time came for me to try and throw a stupid stuffed cactus away, and I started crying. It was something that belonged to my grandma, and when I saw it go into the trash bag I started crying. I tried to excuse myself and my friend pulled it back out and said "its ok to keep it" I couldn't part with it. I know it's only a material item, that is dusty and dirty and for someone else would mean nothing, and it really shouldn't mean anything to me, but it is a physical connection that I have to my grandma. The act of seeing it taken from my hands and thrown into a garbage bag caused me a pain I wasn't ready for or could have ever expected. Even now as I type this, tears are strolling down my face.

We still have a lot to do. But I am excited because once things get in order, I want to have a few friends over to celebrate and maybe do a friends BBQ/Dinner type thing. I've never had people over, so its scary and exciting to think about. There are very few people who have ever been allowed to come into my house, so opening it up to them would be a huge step for me. 

And as I begin downsizing and getting things cleaned, it will make it easier when the time comes that I have to move, and it will be something that I look forward to having people over at various times. This chapter of my life has a very strange middle, so Im not sure if its close to closing and a new one starting, all I do know is that if this is what is to come, than I guess I'll welcome it and not fight against it.

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What IfThe "What

 The "What If" game is one of the worse games that one can play with oneself. As I have typed and said many times, I have no clue as to what my future holds. No one really does when it comes to it. However, some at least have an idea as to what they would like for their lives and how they would like things to turn out.

I know what I want, and the problem being, is that to obtain those things, there is a great deal of change that has to happen that absolutely scares the shit out of me. The dangling sword over my head, the anxiety of unsure footing, and the fear of jumping out of the frying pan into the fire are all very real. All of this coupled with what is feeling like a futile embattlement with my creative side, wanting to go into full on creation mode, and run with every project I see fly across my timeline, and the depressed and scared side of me wanting to do nothing but lay in bed all day and cry and just pretend that everything is going to be ok. 

I blare the music as loud as I can, yet my every waking thought is WHAT IF....I've been taking 1 1/2 Xanax daily when im only supposed to take one 10mg pill for generalized anxiety, but everything feel like it is balls to the wall 100% anxiety. It was so bad a few nights ago that my pupils were dilated and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I know you're not supposed to drink alcohol when taking certain medications, I had yet to take the Xanax that evening, but I drank a rather generous glass of wine, and that seem to calm things down for a bit, and switched me from Fight or Flight mode to relax mode.

I do not know what is going on with me, and the energy around me right now, but all I do know is that im done feeling like im at the edge and all the pebbles are sliding around me.

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The plate is getting full

 Man, the last few weeks have been tough. I have been an emotional wreck, and just feeling overwhelmed with everything. My upcoming book feels like it is a thousand-pound weight laying atop of me, and really missing my dad, my grandma, and just spending way to much time in the rearview mirror as of late. 

My sleep has been all over the place, I feel exhausted ALWAYS. My eating has been crappy, and my whole body has various "check engine" lights going off. I don't know what the deal is. Maybe it's just me being manic, or maybe its depression, or maybe it's because it's a day that ends in Y?

I've wanted to swan dive into my past marijuana addiction so badly the last few weeks. Like all I want to do is pack a bowl, and light it up, and smoke until I can't breathe, drink copious amounts of alcohol, and rinse and repeat. And I know that isn't going to solve anything but reset the calendar on almost 4yrs of sobriety and make me hate myself. Im not against ever smoking again, but it was becoming a huge problem for me, and I forced myself to quit. I still have all of my pipes, bongs, and even a few nugs and a vape pen with 4 cartridges. I keep it to remind myself, and to prove to myself that I dont need it, even if i want it (now if I could only do that with junk food lol.)

I dont know what I need, or want....but I do know that I feel like im burning the candle at both ends!

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Tea Party Fundraiser - Success

Well now that the Tea Party has come and gone, I am happy to announce that I was able to raise $257.00 of the $300 goal that was set for the days event.

I am so very happy and beyond thankful for everyone who came out to show support and meet me, regardless the cold and at times breezy weather. But with those who were in attendance, I was able to share my story, and connect with them, and even have a few laughs along the way. Now on to plan the next event. On the calendar coming up next is my interview with Successful Toy Podcast on May 28, 2024 at 2pm Pacific / 5pm Eastern 

If you would like to donate to helping me with publication funding please check out https://support.cdsthebook.com 

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A broken brush, a story.

How many brushes have you had in your lifetime? Probably not something that you've ever really thought about. This is a story about my brush. It's nothing fancy. Nothing special. In fact, it was a dollar store purchase. Most people would have just replaced it once it became old and broken, not try to fix it or repair it. Especially if the brush was only a dollar. 

This brush became a symbol of hope and trying to me. Somedays all I could do was get up, look in the mirror, fight through the tears, and the voices telling me that I would be better off dead, then to continue to be a burden to my friends and family, and brush my hair, with this dollar store hairbrush.

One day my hair had become really badly knotted and tangled, because I hadn't been out of bed for 3 days. I ripped large chunks of hair out each time I passed the brush through my hair. On one of the passes, it broke in two. Much like the grappling depression that I was facing at that moment, I broke along with it. A simple, not special, dollar store hairbrush. Half of it in my hand, half of it clinging to the knot that overpowered it. As if I needed a reason to cry, and break down, I cried harder than I had allowed myself to in many, many years. I was angry at myself for the lack of self-care, the lack of being able to pull myself out of the depressive spiral I was in, and the lack of control I had in my life.

I pulled the piece out of my hair, and cleaned both halves, and decided that I was going to try and fix it. That if I could not fix myself, I was going to fix the one thing that I could. So, like a monkey doing a math problem, I looked at the two halves and fixated on how to make my brush whole again. I thought, maybe crazy glue. That did not work. Then I had the idea of using zip ties. The very same dollar store that I purchased the brush at years prior, I had bought some zip ties. So, I fused the two halves together and put the first zip tie on it, then the second. I added 2 more. I cut the ends, and walla it worked like new again. I cautiously pulled the brush through my hair, and it didn't snag on the zip ties. It felt sturdy and improved. This unremarkable, nothing special, old, dollar store hairbrush.

Call it delusional, call it grasping at straws, or whatever. But it gave me hope. It spurred me on. I might not have been able to fix myself all at once. But I could take small steps to fix parts of myself until I felt closer to whole, rather than being in a hole. The Japanese have an art form called Kintsugi which is the joining of two broken halves of a plate or bowl with gold. Creating a beautiful wholly new item with unique designs and becomes a work of art. 

So each day, I worked on small piece of myself as I could. I dedicated sometime to my book, and sometime to my house, or my own personal care. A broken, now repaired, nothing special, dollar store hairbrush, became my own inside joking promise to always do my best, no matter how broken I was, I would keep trying. I would keep moving forward. Sometimes little things can be the biggest help, like a simple, nothing special, dollar store hairbrush. 

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coffee house musings

Today finds me sitting at a local coffee house that's also an information hub, safe space, mental health facilitating, LGBTQ center. 

One of my favorite things is people watching. Quietly observing their interactions with each other and people outside of their cliques. Currently there is a peer counseling session going on in one corner of the common space, there's a busy bee worker tending to the patrons and the general upkeep of the common spaces. 

Sitting here typing all of this, and still being keenly aware of conversations being held by 6 different people I feel like I'm eavesdropping but at the same time I recognize that it's a PTSD/Fight or Flight response. But the humanitarian in me finds these observations interesting like watching a nature documentary. It reminds me that we are all living these complex lives and each of us are a universe into ourselves.  We are so inclined to be disconnected from those around us, yet all the while yearn for connection. For a person or a group, a fellowship to belong to. 

Speaking to others provides us with a way to connect and gives us a sense of belonging. This particular coffee house is a hub that I have only recently found out about. And I am really loving it. I am here because I am to have a meeting with a resource manager and to make a connection of my own, for getting more awareness for my book and for my upcoming events.

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