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One year ago today my father passed into the next life. Leaving me and my mother behind. He was a good strong man, who worked hard pretty much every day of his life. A good man who had a heart of gold, but a fiery temper that he loosed upon those who angered him.He would bend over backwards to help a friend. He was always quick to impart his advice (sometimes even if it wasn’t wanted.) He had faults like everyone in this world, but he was his own worse enemy. He was not a diplomatic person, often speaking before thinking, and later beating himself up over what had been said in haste. But he was my father, a man that I looked up to, even if I never told him. He use to get on me because I was an emotional rock, and would never really show emotions and get overly happy or sad about things.
It wasn’t because I cant or don’t have emotions, but he never understood my being bipolar.And when I did express emotions it was always in extremes and never in moderation.I never doubted that he loved me, though there were times when I would wish that he was able to show me differently than what he did. But he only ever wanted for my happiness and for my success in life. Both of which I sometimes fear I will let him down in. But I try my hardest to push on, and to take to heart the things that he did teach me and tell me. I remember back on all the good and the bad times. And to have him for just an hour, even five minutes would be more than I would ever be worthy of.
I will admit that I am still kind of bitter at the fact that he is no longer around. And thinking about the things that we still had to say to each other, the things I wanted us to do. But well between his health, and the distance between where we live, kept that from happening.My one wish was for him to come and visit me the year before he got really sick. I begged and pleaded with him, but I know he couldn’t have made the trip. Hind sight being 20/20 I probably should have gone to see him.
I found myself the other day correcting some teen who was giving their parents shit. I told them “you need to cherish them, you never know how much longer you are going to have them. I remember saying some of the same things to my dad, and now that he is gone I would take it all back and give up 20yrs of my life just for him to have 10 more.” I don’t think it really sank in the gravity of what I said, being that I was saying it to a teenager probably not. I know had someone said that to me as a teen I probably would have taken it to heart, but well I was very mature for my age too.
It is my hope that I can be half of the man that he was. It really wasn’t until his funeral that I realized the scope of this mans life. I saw and met people from his past that he talked about almost daily. Putting faces to the stories that I had committed to memory really brought to life the everything that he had told me.People all came up to me and lamented stories of he great character and hard work and the good hearted deeds he under took in helping them when they were in need. He very first boss that he ever had when he moved from Santa Anna to Desert Shores was there. People who he had worked for and with all showed up. Listening to the heart filled stories everyone shared, and the strength he inspired was just a golden testament to his life.
I just hope that I have that much impact on peoples lives. That people from every stage of my life will show up and tell tales both good and bad and in between of my time with them and impart some happiness in a time of sorrow.
It really is hard to believe its been a year. It seems so much longer, and shorter all at the same time. His passing did do one thing for me though. It brought me and my brother, and mother closer together. So if a positive must be found I guess it could be in that. But still its hard. I have a voicemail that I have tried to save of him wishing me a happy birthday a month before his passing. I hope I never lose it. I keep a necklace with his ashes in it, around my neck at all times. Probably one of the most loved pieces of jewelry that I own, and I have my mom to thank for finding it.
So even though today is going to be hard on me to get through it, I will still be happy for the time that I had with him. For the lessons learned. For the memories we made. And whenever I miss him to much all I need to do is look in the mirror and I can see him looking back.
I know he is in a better place, with my grandmother and grandfather. His brother, and his best friend. And someday
maybe I will see him again, but hopefully not to soon. And if I ever have children, I hope to be 1/10 the dad he was to me.
