Blogger Burnout

I have had massive burnout lately and I am sorry about not getting this updated like I should. But in other news I have been upping the game on YouTube by creating new content on an almost constant basis. I need to get back into actually journaling my feelings and other stuff like that on the blog.

If you havent checked out the YouTube channel then head over there after you are done reading this :) http://www.youtube.com/hellocupcakeitsme

So a few weeks ago I went out to see the Egg Donor (aka ED) and that was a less than fun experience. First I had qualms about going out there in the first place, and before we (my sister, her boyfriend, and my niece) had to spend 8hrs in a city that I had only gone through once. My sister started a new job and had to do training before we could go. So I spent the longest 8hrs in my freaking life, stuck in a parking lot and not being able to go anywhere. So by the time we finally left for ED's house I was in less than a happy mood. I was tired, hungry and just grumpy. So after we got a room and stuff I was finally able to lay down and unwind. The next day was a total crap fest. The plan was that we were going to leave by 2pm so that we could get home before dark, because my sisters boyfriend's trucks lights weren't working. So I being the keeper of time and GPS made several announcements about how the time was coming up and that we needed to leave.

I wasnt packed or prepared for a full weekend stay. So we ended up having to stay until Sunday...FML. So anyways we spend all the rest of the day Saturday bumming around Portland, OR. and really not doing anything. So yeah there was that. There is a shit load more and some drama that happened that I covered in a video [ watch it here ]

So when I finally was able to get home on Sunday, I walk into my house being flooded because my big upright freezer decided to stop working for whatever reason. My cat Scrappy who is like 20yrs old had a seizure and knocked over the water bowl, and before I had left I had closed the toilet seat so they didnt have any fresh clean water to drink. So I wasnt even able to just come home and relax, I had to clean all that stuff up and then I passed out at 12pm and woke up sometime around 7:30pm ate something kinda quick and then passed back out until Monday at 12pm.

I have just come to the conclusion that I dont travel well anymore. I mean I did ok when I went out to California last summer, but that road trip just killed me. I think if I go again im going to just take a train or something.
So with all that. I have begun working on my house and trying to get it cleaned up and just looking nice again. I spent like 3 or 4 weeks on it, working from like morning to late afternoon. Due to it I became a coffee drinker LOL. Well right before Christmas I was given a Keurig. Before then I really never drank coffee at home, but would drink it like water if I went out to breakfast or to Starbucks. So now that I have a Keurig (well I actually have 2 because I bought another one at a thrift store for $4 that was just like the one I have) I have a bunch of fun coffees and things like that. My Kroger has amazing Manager Specials that many times I can get a full box of Krups for $1.99 - $3 and I found that my Dollar Tree also sells Krups now and they are Green Moutian Coffee so you know its a real good deal. And people have been giving me coffee beans, and I went out grocery shopping and bought a can of coffee. So yeah I am pretty much settled.

Anyways please head over to YouTube and head over to Twitter and make sure to follow me on Instagram for even more exclusive content :)

 

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What the hell just happened?

So today has been really interesting and at writing this I realize its been a minute since Ive updated. Sorry about that. I have been torn in different directions and doing a lot of YouTube videos when I should be writing more here.

So over the last week or so I have really been trying to clean up my house and make it look less like a bomb went off and more like a "bachelor pad." In summer of 2016 I took a trip to California, and was gone for about 3 weeks. During that time my sister and niece redid my bedroom, and cleaned my kitchen and a few other areas of my house.
It was a total shock to me to see that they had done it. So they laid out the foundation for what I had been trying to do for the longest time.
So today when I got up, I began my cleaning. And I turned on music and began to kind of zone out. Then out of the blue ALL THE EMOTIONS hit me. I was like "seriously are you fucking with me right now?"

I spent 30mins maybe more just crying. Not any reason that I could really think of other than stirring up negative energies from cleaning my house. I know it sounds weird, but I am a believer that energies and things like that can hold onto items and when you disturb it, it takes to the air like dust.
Then to top it off, I came across a notebook that had suicide letters in them from a few years ago. I wrote letters to each of the people who I thought were going to miss me the most at the time. I did it just to get shit off my chest, but incase things got really bad it was a system I had in place as my final parting words.

So yeah to say its been an emotional day, is to discredit the shit storm it really was. I feel better right now But am planning on doing  a video here in a little bit which may rip the scab off and cause me to start crying again, but I know tht there are those of you who prefer the blog verses the video format but I just want to get it out in both areas so that regardless if you read about it or watch it, hopefully it can and will help someone.

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Holidays are tough

You know, I understand depression and that feeling of being utterly alone and the dark thoughts that creep into ones head. In the past I have self medicated and done everything from shutting down and sleeping to actively pushing people away. It is hard at times, and it is so easy to just give in to the feeling of "oh well no one will miss me, my life sucks". But allowing yourself to swim and drown in that pool of despair is never going to change things or put you on the right path.

I have even in my darkest of times put my issues aside and tried to help others with their problems. Because helping others, in away helped me. I have a lot of friends and family for that matter, who suffer from an array of mental issues. I am always trying to tell them or reach out to them, to let them know im there for them. When you are in the cocoon of self loathing and manic, you cant see the hand that is reaching for you. And even if you are able to, most times you wont reach for it because you dont want to seem weak. Yet posting about it on social media helps alleviate some of that internal suffering if not for just a fleeting moment.

Sometimes the simplest things can set your depression off. You dont live day to day any more you live moment to moment, because you dont know what will happen in the next 20 minutes. I know for you who dont have depression you are probably thinking, well we all do. But when you watch the clock tick by hour after hour, barely hanging on to what sanity you have left, a day can feel like an eternity. Sure you can take medications to dull your pain and make you pesudo numb, but sometimes even then those dont help.

They only make things worse. As someone who depression is an old friend, I know how bad things can and do get. I know how heavy the world is, and how unfair it is. At how spirit crushingly messed up it is and can be. But really YOU are the only one who can reach out for help. YOU are the only one who can make steps into finding happiness again, even though you dont know what happiness is any more. Just know that whenever you are down. There are people who will take the time to listen to you and help you and guide you. Suicide is never the answer. It is a seductive bitch, who will promise you everything that you "need/want" at the time, a way out....but when you make the move to end the pain, you only cause it.

You dont end it. You cause years of pain for those who were always right there. Those who loved you, but you were to deaf and blinded by the insurmountable amount of suffering and pain that you were in.You leave a legacy of sorrow for your loved ones. Because they wont see you for your illness, they will see you for the person that they loved. For the person that they can no longer see, touch, or feel. People are there for you, even when it seems like no one is. Reaching out isnt weak. It isnt an admission of cowardness, or being "gay" because you are showing your feelings.

Here is a number to call just to have some outside 3rd party to talk to 1-800-273-Talk(8255)

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When Miracles Happen

A long time ago I began living my life from minute to minute. Never planning anything for no more than an hour at a time. I use to be one of those people who carried around a day planner, and marked every second of my day in it and was lost without it. But something just said to me one day when I was super stressed "just let it go". Now I know it sounds like a really simple thing, but truly think about "just letting go" and what the means. For me, it meant not worrying about all the IF's and But's of life. Not worrying about money, bills, housing, etc. Now if you have followed me for any length of time, you will know that in the very begining of this blog that I was quite different. That I was worried about how things were going to come together and how I was going to make it. Well I must confess that once I stopped worrying about things, things got so much simpler and easier. When I quit worry about my bills, they became less, and I always seem to find the means to pay them. When I stopped worrying about where my next meal was coming from, my cupboards and refrigerator began filling up.

I noticed that if I lived a simple and humble life that things always work out in one way or another. Yes there are times where the old me would stress the fuck out and get panic attacks and get depressed. Now days I found that if I just turn my problems over to the universe that things come my way. I just recently saw this happen to my sister. She is a strong, proud, hard working woman. Recently she was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer. Yep the big C. I would be lying if I said that I wasnt worried and that I havent cried more than Id like to admit. But her whole life she has always worked hard to get what little she has. So when she was diagnosed it was a gut punch.
Shortly after she lost her business. And things just seemed to go slowly to hell. Today she admitted that she was in a negative headspace and was having a why me pity party. She lamented about how things never go easy and then when it does its because some end of the world calamity. She had been worried about how she was going to pay bills and how she was going to make ends meet. Being that she has cancer, she hasnt looked for a job, because realistically she knows that no one would hire her, because her medical condition could cause their business money, and she could become unreliable. Well today she was really stressing and just over thinking things, which put her in a bit of a sour mood. To help you out she is a Virgo. For those of you who dont know about astrology Virgos are hard working, strong, proud, wont ask for help, my way or the highway, types of people.

She has always hated my carefree way of life. And I always tell her to stop stressing and that things will work themselves out. Im a Pisces, which means that I am a dreamer, a creative, free flowing spirit. So my 'devil may care' approach to things alot of times makes it so that others (especially her) can not see how things just work out. And most times people thing that I am just given hand outs and that my life is "easy". Well as we were driving back to our respective houses today, she was telling me how she was just in a blah mood, trying to figure everything out. How she was almost out of money, and how she wasnt sure how she was going to make the holidays, let alone the bills. About that time she receives a phone call saying that she had mail at her church and that she needed to come in ASAP because there was a travelers check made out to here in this letter. She thanked the church treasurer, hung up the phone, and began to cry as we turned around and we went to her church, and someone had left her a travelers check for $500. As we were driving home, she confessed how she was just angry at the world and how she was trying to figure things out and was just in a dark place.
My first thing I said was "see I tell you all the time, just dont worry about things, that you will have miracles happen." In our family we call these "little miracles" and they have happened time and time again. When we were living together and had NO money what so ever, as we were driving down the street I saw some money on the side of the road, and yelled "money pull over". And lo and behold there was a $20 on the ground. A few hours later while in the parking lot of a grocery store I found another $10. About 4 days after that, we were driving and I saw money on the side of the road again. I exclaimed "MONEY" and she pulled over and sure enough there was $20. This has now become a running 'joke' between us. But these little miracles happen all the time to me. And it wasnt until I just stopped worrying about things. So she dropped me off at my house and I get a call 15 minutes later from her, and she said that there was another check in the mail for $1000. $1,500 from the universe just happened. It was a miracle that is straight out of a movie or some other type of unbelievable situation. But here she was, just an hour or two prior to all of this, crying and worried about how things would come together, and then she was blessed. As if to say "all will be ok."

The whole drawn out point of this is just this. When you stop worrying about things. When you give up your issues to the universe. When you live humbly and just have faith that everything will work out, it will. Will this money that she has gotten fix everything? Well no. But it will bring some easement and comfort for the time being. When you least expect it, little miracles happen. Be it magic, divine intervention, laws of attraction, the will of the universe, or dumb luck, but when you expect nothing, you are granted everything. When you expect everything, you are given nothing, and all is taken from you.

So I am just thankful for whatever it was that brought this bounty into her life. And I am thankful that she was blessed. That she was able to lessen her burdens for just a short time.

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Newly elected tragedy of the United States

With the recent tragedy of electing Trump into Presidency we are already seeing the racial backlash of it. Reading the heart break on social media, and hearing it on the streets, is America "great again"?

I have a deep pit of despair in my soul and in my heart. I am worried for my friends and family. I am worried for my personal safety and well being. Being on SSDI and coming up for review in February 2017 just days after him taking office, that I will no longer have the medical coverage that I have now. That I will no longer be able to take care of myself. Back in 2012 I was placed on Medical disability, as many of you may know.
I worry that he will rewrite laws and bills so that mental health and certain medical conditions will no longer be considered disabilities. I am now 35 soon to be 36 and medically speaking, look like a 87 year old man. My back is in such a condition that I can not stand for more than 10 minutes, and sit for more than an hour. Typically the only comfort that I have is when Im laying down. But even then my sciatic nerve is starting to become an issue.

My sister, who was just recently diagnosed with Stage 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma and is just now going through her chemo therapy, may lose her VA coverage, since the Republicans have issues with the VA already. She has four rounds of chemo, and then five weeks of radiation, and after that ten years of endocrine therapy. With someone like Trump in office, she may not be covered any more. Which I am totally against. I think that VA should never be effected for any reason other than the positive. These men and women served the country and put their lives on the line in order to secure our freedoms. They should be taken care of for the rest of their days. PERIOD!

I also fear for the LGBT community. I have many friends who are married, and have children, and good jobs. With the LGBT rights being placed back in the hands of each individual state, they very well could lose everything that they were able to build. Kim Davis's heaven on earth may very well now become reality.
I have read with a heavy heart that there has been LGBT suicides since the election. People are scared. When I woke up on November 9th, the air felt heavy. You look at the faces of the people walking the streets, and their glow is gone. Where I am pro-free speech, the racial slurs, and the graffiti that I have seen on social media, is a reminder of how it was when the Berlin Wall was erected.

The only hope is that Trump was Democratic before he ran for office. I only hope that those views are still there and that he isnt actually so bad. One can hope right? One can hope that he doesn't win the 2020 election, that way we are only cursed with four years of him. I have been watching the Doomsday Prepper sites, and so many people are jumping ship and stockpiling, and getting ready to bug out.

I just pray that we all make it through this. That the changes that are fated to come are not so horrible. That we all can live with this tyrant. Let us all hope and pray. Let our broken hearts beat as one, and come together unlike any other time in history. That those who would be trampled by the machine, leave seeds of love, so that those who are in step with us may grow and be nourished and protected.

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Mercury Retrograde sucks

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="223"] My grandmother Dixie[/caption]

Mercury Retrograde sucks balls this time around. So many changes are underway that it is damn near unbearable to deal with. Starting with the loss in my family. I lost my grandmother Dixie, my brothers father-in-law passed a week before her. My sister was diagnosed with Stage 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Breast Cancer, and is now losing a business that she has spent the last 7 years working on, due to her landlord selling the building.

In my own personal life, I am being bombarded with technology not working, my emotions being all over the place, and wanting nothing more than to sleep. My relationships thankfully are good. By relationships I mean my romantic one as well as friendships and business relationships.
I feel a change in my life, and I for the most part think that it is going to be a good one. But the anxiety and stress and depression and bipolar parts of me is saying "run for the hills boy". So I am just letting go and letting god for a lack of better term. I know that there are things in my life that I can change and that there are somethings that I can not change. I learned a long time ago that I just need to roll with the punches and not try to demand changes or try to do much to change my situation at any given time, because when I do the universe slams me back into place and takes from me everything that I worked to change.

I know this sounds like bullshit to many people, but its what I have come to know and accept. If its meant to be in my life or for me to do something then it will happen. That is the way I live my life and its worked out so far.

I know people think that I am a loser, or that im just lazy or what have you. But its not true in the slightest. I like to work, if its something that I like/love to do. I like being my own boss and able to clock into work whenever I need or want to. But how many jobs do you know that would allow you to do that. Even if you are self employed you still have to put in some effort, especially if you have clients that depend on your work.

I am just really trying to see what the bigger picture is right now, as I feel like I am only able to make out shapes in the dust that has clouded my vision. And I know more sooner than later, I will be given the answers to my questions and that I will then be lead to a crossroads where I will need to make a choice on what path to follow. But for now I am just content with life as it is.
Though it isnt the best life, and yeah things are sucking major butt right now. I just keep my friends and family in my prayers and live my life the best I can with what I have avalible to me right at the moment. Living life from minute to minute gets tiring but, it keeps things exciting, because you never know whats around the corner.

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Best prices on new glasses - Eyebuydirect.com

I just got a new set of glasses for $60 that are transition lenses, uv protection, anti-scratch, computer user friendly for less than $60 including free shipping...The picture is of my new glasses. This same style of frame started at $120 through my eye doctor, but that was just plan lenses no 'bells and whistles' or protection and a 4-6 week wait time. The ones I got from EyeBuyDirect were $6 INCLUDING LENSES! With ‪#‎EyeBuyDirect‬ I got my entire set with all the above "bells and whistles" for less than $60 and I had a coupon for free shipping so that saved me $6, and I will have my glasses in about 2 weeks.

If you all need new glasses go check them out. Get your regular eye exam and then have your dr. give you your prescription including pupil distance and then use this promo code IFSW4F2T4X to get 15% off your purchase. Use this link http://www.eyebuydirect.com/228428

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Eyebuydirect.com deals and promotions

Hey everyone if you are looking for cheap quality glasses starting at $6.00 then your going to need to head over to www.eyebuydirect.com Eyebuydirect.com is so amazing, and they have killer frames. What sets them apart from other eyeglass providers, is that they are an independent company that has no middle man, and amazing buying power to offer you the very best in eye glass fashion. And with many frames starting at $6.00 you are sure to find some that you love.

So whats the catch? Well nothing really. You already need glasses, all you need to do is have your prescription ready with your pupil distance, and thats it. Your glasses are delivered to your home within 2 weeks of ordering them. They also have a really nice kids selection. Lets face it, kids are hard on glasses (as well as other items) and we cant always afford to run out and spend $300+ for something that can get broken on the playground.

Well their kids frames also start at $6.00 and come in many shapes, and sizes, making it affordable to stock up on a few pairs. And dont worry about scratches, and the sun. Eyebuydirect.com offers a wide range of features such as prescription sunglasses, tinting, progression lenses, computer coating, scratch resistance, and more.

I have been using their services for years now (check out my review video I did) and I refer my friends and family to them whenever I can. I even have business cards with their info on them. And there are always so many promo codes and specials all the time that make saving money and getting a great deal even more easy. Here are some that are good until Feb 2016.

Offer	Code	Status
15% off one purchase	PLOP8H876YWK	Expires on Feb 12, 2016
Free shipping	PLFSDDY9VGRS	Expires on Feb 12, 2016
20% off sunglasses frames	PLPSHRVBWFND	Expires on Feb 12, 2016
Free tint on any non-sunglasses frame	PLFTFJNL8YNA	Expires on Feb 12, 2016
10% off any purchase	PLAPBGJW5UGY	Expires on Feb 12, 2016

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Birdman or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance - Review

Recently I watched Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) and was HORRIBLY DISAPPOINTED!! Now I knew nothing of the film except for (and this is my own understand before watching) the movie was supposed to be based on the superhero Birdman from the 1960s show Birdman and the Galaxy Trio. Birdman was the main character of two out of three of the show's segments. This incarnation of Birdman was voiced by Keith Andies and did not use the name Harvey (Birdman's actual name was given in the show as Ray Randall). The original Birdman was a regular, non-comedic superhero with an eagle sidekick named Avenger. His powers came from the energy of the sun's rays, and he was able to fly using his wings.

This movie I thought would follow along the plot line of Harvey having been out of the superhero, crime fighting loop for awhile would re-adorn his suit (as shown here in a movie clip) and take back to fighting crime and become an "underdog" superhero movie. WRONG!!!

The movie billed as a comedy/drama left much to be laughed at. Instead the story follows Riggan Thomson's (Michael Keaton)  attempts to recover his family, his career and himself in the days leading up to the opening of a Broadway play, based on Raymond Carver’s What We Talk About When We Talk About Love.
To me this movie was more about the staging of the play within a play, and less about Birdman himself. It was all the frustration of a has-been, washed up actor trying to recapture the glory of yesteryear.  With the production budget and the high-end Birdman Costume, and the star power of Michael Keaton, Zach Galifianakis, Edward Norton, and Emma Stone, this movie could have been a power house likened to that of X-Men or Avengers. But instead this dribble was created.

I was and am very glad I didnt waste money on a ticket for this "movie" and that I got to view the screener copy for award consideration. I am not a film critic but I do not know nor understand what the buzz about this movie was. I just feel left wanting and wishing that there was something more.

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Sketcher Shape Up Review

I got a pair of Sketcher's Shape Up's  yesterday and wore them for the first time today and I have fallen in love. Being a larger person and having arthritis, bad knees, and a bad lower back, I instantly noticed a difference the second I put them on.

Because of the unique shape of the sole and the lack of a heel, you are forced to stand, and walk differently in them. At first (before I got used to walking in them) I clomped like a horse. But once I learned to walk and balance in them I could feel them actually starting to work. I felt pressure where the arch of my foot should be (im so flat footed that you cant slip a piece of papers between my foot and the ground) I noticed a shift in the muscles in my gluts, my shins, and my back. I put them on at 1:00pm and took them off at 7:30pm and I did a significant amount of walking and never once felt pain in my lower back, nor my knees.

Though the minute I took them off and went to walk into the kitchen my knees started hurting again and i had instant pain in my lower back. So from 7 hours of no pain to slipping off the shoes and in pain, I almost want to lace them back up and live in them.

Im giving these shoes a 9 out of 10. I am scoring them this way because the price of the shoes keeps it from being affordable to everyone, but trust me, in my humble opinion, well worth the money.

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Greatful

Today was a very fun and unexpected experience, I totally got kidnapped by some friends as I was sitting at the bus stop. It was an impromptu encounter. All we did was talk shit, go back to their place, hung out, and just enjoyed the chilliness of it all. I love random shit like that. Ive needed to just get out and hang with people lately and it was nice to have done so. And i really didnt need to be on point with anything just got to let my hair down and be a homie.

After the last few days I have really just needed an escape from myself and my life and it was nice to find that in the most random way ever. Something just told me to walk a little slower, and to just do things a bit differently today and sure as shit, it worked out. I am learning to really trust my inner voice and follow what my spirit tells me. I am in a really good place with myself right now and for the first time I feel somewhat balanced.

Im not an overly religious person but I am spiritual, and I did a rededication of self a few weeks ago and it just seems like everything is falling into place for me. I am seeing little blessings all around, and just feeling blessed. So I am thankful for the gifts being bestowed upon me by the universe. Im staying humble and taking time through out my day to just breath it all in and try to just give back a little here and there as i can. I have always given of myself but this is different. This is coming from a place of love and gratitude and just over all mindfulness of what gifts I have and what I can share.

There is a paradigm shift in my life and im trying to honor it by not being boastful. I am remaining humble and trying to show more humility. I am a very emotionally complex person and I hide alot of what I think and feel, though those who know me would disagree, but honestly, I dont say as much as I should, and the things that I dont say could actually cause more damage than anything. I am brutal and honest, and blunt. That is the person I have become. I dont typically hold back, regardless of being right, wrong, or indifferent. If its how I feel, its what I express, many times to the chagrin of others. Which sometimes causes hurt feelings or people thinking im an asshole.

So Im trying to listen more, speak less, and when I do speak I try to make my words matter. So these are the changes of self I have been working on and trying to implement. Hopefully I am doing a good job?

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Creatively stumped

Ok so as most of you know im a pretty creative person who loves doing all types of arts and crafts and learning different things. I have always wanted to try playing a violin though i can not play ANY instrument because well that skipped over me, as my dad, and grandpa could play just about anything they picked up but my dad played guitar/harmonica/and a bit of keyboard, and my grandpa played guitar/piano, and my dad and grandparents both could sing really well. Well the musical gene just said yeah fuck you fat boy and went away. I have an ear for music, but can not play it.

So recently I found a violin that is VERY cheap and in no way anything that the 'masters' or 'professionals' would even use for a tooth pick. but I really have wanted to get it (if i had the money) and try it out. And everyone in their grandmother have said the same thing "um WHY? you cant play...?" And I acknowledge the fact that i cant. But it is something that I feel i might be able to. Ive always had that feeling. And even if i cant play it, I would like the chance to at least try and maybe pass it off later down the road if it starts collecting dust.

Same thing with another creative 'want' of mine. Ever since I first seen a Cricut I have always wanted one. There is one called the Cricut Explore that I would really love to have. What they do is they allow you to make cutouts of items and can do all kinds of amazing things with them. Though they are a bit pricy it is still something I would like to get just because i can think of thousands of things to make with one. But I was told "it would eventually just collect dust, much like my other crafting exploits...")

I was a bit saddened by this and yeah it may be at one point down the road, but it doesnt change the fact i would still like to give IT a try. Im just feeling a bit put off by the lack of support and the creativity around and in my life right now. I never knew how to knit before a few weeks ago but even thought its not traditional needle knitting but knitting on a loom its still something that i taught myself mainly out of necessity because otherwise i wouldnt have had christmas gifts for most of the people on my list.

And I use to love to paint and I still do but cant right now because i have no paint because being the good person i am I lent out my supplies to friends, who used alot of it and never replaced it.

I have alot of creative ideas and sparks, but I honestly dont know what the point of this post is, other than just a rant in hopes of me not dwelling over it much more.

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Saying good bye to a pet

 

 

Losing a pet is never easy, and having to euthanize it is even harder. Last night I had to down my pet rat Tower. He had developed a large tumor that just took over his whole left side of his body. At first it was 'ok' as he was still able to move and take care of himself and eat and all the other things that rats like to do. He was a rescue animal that I took from pretty nasty and horrendous conditions. But him and his brother came to my home and were happy for the most part. So last night at 8pm I euthanize him after watching him struggle for over 5 minutes  to turn around and get a drink of water.

I am going to miss the little bugger as he was such a sweet heart and loved to be held. I just hope his brother isnt going to be to depressed as rats are social creatures. I have thought about adopting another one just so he would have a friend to be with. I am not wholly convinced of this as yet, though knowing me and my love of rats, this is probably going to be something that happens more sooner than later.

 

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The Nerve - a holiday rant

Every year the town that I live in (as im am sure it happens nation wide as well) comes together and holds a community toy drive and also participates in the Toys for Tots program. Well because of my financial situation, I dont always have alot of money to get presents for my niece who is really like my daughter.  So I filled out an application and put on it her interests and shoe size, pant size, and shirt/coat size and turned it into the program director as instructed.
Well I get the call to come pick up the holiday box for her, and so once I got the box with the few items that were requested (mainly art supplies because she isnt into video games, and gadgets) I had to kill some time waiting for my ride to come back and get me. So outside of the office there are benches and i was sitting there just thankful for such a wonderful program and feeling blessed for what I did get. Listening to the cheerful joys of the impoverished people who are in my boat and just dont know how to make ends meet let alone provide a decent christmas for their children. The absolute gratitude that was expressed made me happy.

Enter the rant: So among all the thank you's, and god bless you's, I hear a 'lady' come walking up and was angry that her 5mth old son did not get anything in the box, and that she specifically put his name and information on the application along with her 2 other children (both girls) and that she was appalled and outraged that he didnt have a single thing in there. At this point my tongue is bleeding because I am so pissed off at the nerve that this woman has and making such demands. Now here is my thinking process on the whole situation.
1.) it may have been an oversight on the programs part. After all we are all human, except in this case *snark*.
2.) you just received a box full of stuff for your girls, you could be thankful for that and go and buy your 5mth old something, its not like he is really going to know if you do or dont.
3.) HOW FUCKING DARE YOU BE A BITCH AND YELL AT WORKERS WHO ARE TRYING TO MAKE CHRISTMAS FOR OVER 1500 KIDS AND YOUR BITCHING BECAUSE YOUR 5MTH OLD DIDNT HAVE ANYTHING IN THE BOX, HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE DOLLAR TREE?

Now this same woman not even three weeks prior was talking to me at the bus stop about how she wanted my phone and offered me $150 for it when I got my Galaxy S4. I wanted to say something about it to her then but I held my tongue and did my best version of a mime. I just dont understand people like that. They can not be grateful for what has been provided to them, let alone complain about a free service that was donated by the community and people who took the time and money out of their lives to sort and package the boxes. It just made me even more thankful to these people and the generous donations, that helped me with the little bit that I did get for my niece.

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Operation "Making the Holidays"

So as tradition, every year it seems as if I have absolutely no money to really buy Christmas presents with, and that I end up making things for everyone. A few years ago it was jewelry (and for those of you who dont know I make jewelry as a hobby and have an etsy store with a few items in it.) And last year I made homemade Vanilla Extract.

Well I tried and tried but just couldn't seem to pull a lot of money together. So reluctantly, I dusted out the cob webs in the ol' creative side of the brain and started thinking about what I could make everyone for Christmas this year. Well I have made several items so far.  I would love to list them all on here but well most of my family and friends read my blog and well it would give away their surprise.

But since we are on the topic of handmade holidays I have found some really cute and inexpensive gift ideas that I wanted to share with you.

Coconut Sugar Scrub (from thekit.ca)
This is a fabulous scrub for hands and feet! Not to mention it smells a-maz-ing! And you may find yourself taste testing this gift…just sayin…

• Mix together one part of pure unrefined coconut oil (you can find this at most grocery or health food stores), with two parts sugar.

Snow Globes (from MarthaSteward.com)

All you need for this wonderfully fun project is some jars with lids (jelly jars and baby food jars work the best. TIP: If you have or use freecycle or a buy nothing page for your area on facebook or even craigslist, you can probably get all the items you need to make these for free or really close to free.)

What you do to make these is you get some glitter, some figures (preferably plastic, ceramic or other water safe item. Metal will rust), and some super glue and thats it.
You glue the items to the lid. Fill the jar with the water and glitter. Place a line or two around the brim of the lid on the jar where it screws down, and you have yourself  cute and unique gift.

 Handmade Holidays: Cookie Mix (from Domestikatedlife.com)

Grab a package of Tollhouse chocolate chips from the grocery store and using the recipe on the back measure out all of the dry ingredients, layering them one by one in a mason jar. Next, write the recipe out on a pretty piece of paper and stick it on top of the jar, and finally, adorn the front with a personalized message and some ribbon

So you dont have to break the bank to get those special gifts. For me it was just a decision I had to make due to my budget and finances. So I hope you find this post helpful.

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Holiday Time Quickly Approaching

Well we are sneaking up on thanksgiving and shortly after that will be christmas. Thankfully this year I have already gotten most of my holiday shopping done and dont have to struggle to much. I still have a few things that I need to obtain for people but for the most part I am done. The last few items are just kinda fillers. And every year I like to have a few "oh crap I forgot about" presents.

This year its going to be a homemade sugar scrub. I found some amazing ideas on Pinterest and they are not budget breaking.  For the last few years I have made homemade/handmade gifts for my friends and family. Typically its jewelry since I seem to have so many women friends and very little to no male friends, its just a easy and simple gift to give.

Growing up christmas was one of my favorite times of year (outside of Halloween). But as I have grown I find that I hate christmas more and more. Not the idea of christmas but just the over all aspect of it. I love the lights, the smell, the color, the warmth of christmas, just not the commercialization of it (unless im on the receiving end of it LOL jk).

I am really on the fence about what I want this year, as I have been asked by several people already. Im actually thinking along the lines of practicality vs over all want. Like I have been thinking about more "mature" items like new pots and pans, a new cutting board, a bed comforter, and things like that. While the kid in me is screaming "I want a Nintendo Wii U, and a new iPod, and a blue-ray player". Now dont get me wrong I still want the Wii and the Blu-ray player im just not sure if I want it for christmas?

So right now Im just really in limbo about the whole season and everything else. My sister actually told me to compile a list and to arrange it by price lowest to highest lol. So I may just do that and add on there my "mature" gifts and my kiddy gifts.

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Holiday Stress and a Recipe for Dinner

Ahh the holidays are upon us once again, and with them the stresses of paying bills and providing holiday meals and gifts.
Its not so tough when you dont have little ones running around foot asking after Santa, but it still is hard to juggle it all.

Thankfully all the people I have to buy for this Christmas have pretty much already been taken care of, since I buy a little something here and there as I have the money to do so. The only child I have to buy for is my niece and she is 13 so she would understand if I couldnt get her something but I would not pay a bill before not getting something for her. This year though thankfully I have her taken care of with some White Elephant gifts.

The biggest stress I have right now is just trying to figure out how to catch up on my past rent which has been looming over me for the last year and a half. Thankfully there are organizations out there that can and will help with that, even if its not the full amount that I need, any little bit can and will help. I have some holiday shopping to do still, but mainly its just for Thanksgiving dinner as its only about 2 weeks away.

So as I try and do every year here are a few budget friendly holiday dishes that are super yummy and inexpensive:

Turkey Tenderloin with Cranberry-Shallot Sauce

INGREDIENTS

• 2 turkey tenderloins (about 1 1/2 pounds total)


• 3/4 teaspoon salt, divided


• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper


• 4 teaspoons canola oil, divided


• 4 shallots, peeled and quartered


• 2 teaspoons chopped fresh thyme or 1/2 teaspoon dried


• 3/4 cup reduced-sodium chicken broth


• 1 1/2 cups fresh or frozen (not thawed) cranberries


• 1/4 cup dried cranberries


• 2 tablespoons light brown sugar, or to taste


• 1 tablespoon fruit-flavored vinegar, such as raspberry or pomegranate

PREPARATION

1. Preheat to 450°F.


2. Sprinkle turkey tenderloins with 1/4 teaspoon salt and pepper. Heat 2 teaspoons oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the turkey and cook, turning to brown all sides, about 5 minutes total. Transfer to a baking sheet. Roast until an instant-read thermometer registers 165°, 15 to 25 minutes (depending on the sizes).


3. Meanwhile, add the remaining 2 teaspoons oil to the pan. Add shallots and cook, stirring occasionally, until browned, 3 minutes. Add thyme and cook until fragrant, about 10 seconds. Add broth and cook, scraping up any browned bits, for 1 minute. Stir in fresh and dried cranberries and cook until most of the fresh cranberries have broken down, 6 to 7 minutes. Stir brown sugar, vinegar and the remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt into the sauce; cook for 1 minute. Cover and remove from the heat.


4. Let the turkey rest on a clean cutting board for 5 minutes. Thinly slice; serve with the sauce.

NUTRITION

202 calories; 5 g fat (0 g sat, 2 g mono); 45 mg cholesterol; 14 g carbohydrates; 29 g protein; 1 g fiber; 428 mg sodium; 93 mg potassium.

Carbohydrate Servings: 1

Exchanges: 1 fruit, 4 lean meat

 

Two-Toned Mashed Potatoes

INGREDIENTS

• 1 tablespoon buttermilk plus 2/3 cup, divided


• 2 tablespoons crème fraîche or sour cream


• 1/2 teaspoon onion powder or granulated onion


• Pinch of salt plus 3/4 teaspoon, divided


• 1 1/2 pounds Yukon Gold potatoes, cut into 1-inch chunks


• 1 1/2 pounds sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1-inch chunks


• 1 small leek, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced, white and light green parts only


• 2 tablespoons butter, cut into 4 pieces


• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper


• 2 tablespoons minced fresh chives

PREPARATION

1. Bring a large pot of water to a boil.


2. Combine 1 tablespoon buttermilk, crème fraîche (or sour cream), onion powder (or granulated onion) and pinch of salt. Cover and refrigerate while you cook the vegetables.


3. Add potatoes, sweet potatoes and leek to the boiling water and return to a boil. Reduce heat to maintain a vigorous simmer and cook until tender enough to pierce with a knife, 12 to 15 minutes. Drain and return the vegetables to the pan (off the heat).


4. Add the remaining 2/3 cup buttermilk, the remaining 3/4 teaspoon salt, butter and pepper to the pan; coarsely mash with a potato masher. Serve topped with the sauce and chives.

TIPS & NOTES

• Make Ahead Tip: Prepare sauce (Step 2) and vegetables (Steps 1 & 3), cover and refrigerate separately for up to 1 day. Reheat vegetables, covered, in the microwave or a double boiler before continuing with Step 4.

NUTRITION

Per serving: 117 calories; 3 g fat (1 g sat, 1 g mono); 6 mg cholesterol; 21 g carbohydrates; 0 g added sugars; 2 g protein; 2 g fiber; 190 mg sodium; 318 mg potassium.

Nutrition Bonus: Vitamin A (142% daily value), Vitamin C (18% dv)

Carbohydrate Servings: 1

Exchanges: 1 starch, 1/2 fat

 

Sweet & Sour Green Beans

INGREDIENTS

• 2 pounds green beans, trimmed


• 1/4 cup cider vinegar


• 1/4 cup sugar


• 1 ice cube


• 1 cup thinly sliced shallots


• 2 tablespoons canola oil


• 1/2 teaspoon salt

PREPARATION

1. Fit a large pot with a steamer basket, add 1 to 2 inches water and bring to a boil. Add green beans, cover and steam until tender-crisp, 5 to 8 minutes. Drain.


2. Meanwhile, heat vinegar and sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until the sugar dissolves, 1 to 2 minutes. Remove from the heat. Stir in ice cube until it dissolves. Whisk in shallots, oil and salt.


3. Transfer the green beans to a large bowl, pour the dressing over them and toss to coat.

TIPS & NOTES

• Make Ahead Tip: Cover and refrigerate beans (Step 1) for up to 1 day. Let stand at room temperature while you prepare the dressing (Step 2).

NUTRITION

Per serving: 71 calories; 3 g fat (0 g sat, 1 g mono); 0 mg cholesterol; 12 g carbohydrates; 4 g added sugars; 2 g protein; 2 g fiber; 99 mg sodium; 146 mg potassium.

Carbohydrate Servings: 1

Exchanges: 1 1/2 vegetable, 1/2 other carbohydrate, 1/2 fat

Sweet Potato Pie with Cream Cheese Swirl

INGREDIENTS

• 2 medium-large sweet potatoes


• 6 ounces crisp gingersnap cookies (26-28 small cookies)


• 2 tablespoons canola oil


• 3/4 cup packed light brown sugar


• 3/4 cup nonfat vanilla Greek yogurt, divided


• 2 large eggs


• 1 large egg yolk


• 3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon


• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg


• 1/4 cup (2 ounces) reduced-fat cream cheese (Neufchâtel)


• 2 tablespoons confectioners’ sugar


• 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger

PREPARATION

1. Preheat oven to 400°F.


2. Tightly wrap sweet potatoes in foil and place on a baking sheet. Roast until very tender, about 1 1/4 hours. Carefully unwrap and set aside to cool.


3. Reduce oven temperature to 350°.


4. Process gingersnaps in a food processor until finely ground. Transfer to a bowl, add oil and stir until well combined. Using a spoon, spread and pat the crumbs into the bottom and up the sides of a 9-inch pie pan. Bake until just barely beginning to darken, about 10 minutes.


5. Clean and dry the food processor workbowl. Peel the sweet potatoes and transfer to the food processor. Puree until smooth. Measure out 1 1/2 cups (if you have extra puree, reserve it for another use). Return the 1 1/2 cups puree to the food processor. Add brown sugar, 1/2 cup yogurt, eggs, egg yolk, cinnamon and nutmeg; pulse just until combined. Spread the sweet potato filling in the warm crust.


6. Clean and dry the workbowl again. Add the remaining 1/4 cup yogurt, cream cheese, confectioners’ sugar and ginger; puree until smooth, stopping to scrape down the sides once or twice. Dollop tablespoonfuls of the cream cheese mixture onto the filling, spacing them evenly. Draw the tip of a wooden skewer or a thin knife through the cream cheese mixture and sweet potato filling repeatedly to create a swirled design.


7. Bake the pie until firm to the touch and starting to puff around the edges, 45 to 50 minutes. Let cool completely on a wire rack, at least 2 hours.

TIPS & NOTES

• Make Ahead Tip: Loosely cover and refrigerate for up to 1 day. Let stand at room temperature for 30 minutes before serving; blot any moisture on the top as needed.

NUTRITION

Per serving: 242 calories; 7 g fat (2 g sat, 4 g mono); 60 mg cholesterol; 40 g carbohydrates; 22 g added sugars; 5 g protein; 2 g fiber; 153 mg sodium; 270 mg potassium.

Nutrition Bonus: Vitamin A (135% daily value)

Carbohydrate Servings: 2 1/2

Exchanges: 1/2 starch, 2 other carbohydrate, 1/2 fat

-Recipies taken from Eatingwell.com

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Married to the Needle

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="181"] November Diabetes Awareness Month[/caption]

Hello, my name is Michael Peterson. I am a 33-year-old male who was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes June 26th 2008. I was rushed to the hospital with DKA (Diabetic Ketoacidosis).

Diabetic ketoacidosis is a complication of diabetes that occurs when the body cannot use sugar (glucose) as a fuel source because the body has no insulin or not enough insulin, and fat is used instead. Byproducts of fat breakdown, called ketones, build up in the body. Well I had lost 15% of my lean body muscle and became extremely sick.

I knew I was getting sicker and sicker. My symptoms actually started in 2007 but I did not seek medical attention until 2008 when it was almost to late. I was not able to drink water, and was urinating every 3-5 minutes. I had a horrible rotten meat taste in my mouth and slept 85% of the day. The only thing I was able to drink was sprite and oj. I finally one day told my sister (who i was living with at the time) to take me to the hospital because i just wasn't feeling well. The admitted me there on the spot with a blood sugar over 1600. The ER staff was amazed that I was not in a coma and was able to actually walk.

I stayed in ER Triage for 3 days, they didnt know if I was going to make it. My G.A.P. level was 32 and it was supposed to be at most 10. I had a team of 7 doctors who checked on me every 4hrs. All the staff kept saying that I was on my way out. It was hard for me and my family to keep hearing that.

When I was stabilized enough, the moved me to ICU where I spent another week. At one point they inserted a PICK line into my thigh because i kept breaking the IV and they couldn't get enough fluid in me. On top of the DKA I was badly dehydrated. I took over 30 bags of fluid. All in all I was in the hospital over 3 weeks.

I started this blog back in 2010 to help me just deal with all the issues I was under going. and as a way to also voice my frustrations, and deal with the mental health issues that sprang from my diagnosis. So my blog now reflects both my day to day struggles as a diabetic, and as someone who suffers with depression and being bipolar. It is a long hard road but its my life now, for better or worse, Im married to the needle.

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Starting up an old hobby

I have started my comic card collection once again. It is kinda
hard to do and very heavy hearted endeavor. I had so much money, time, and memories invested in my last collection. I started my
first collection back in 1992 and kept it going until 1997 when I
moved in with my dad. These cards were my anti-drug. It spawned a love and desire. Though I may not know all about the different characters on the cards, the excitement for me was getting the money (a feat not easily done because my family was poor, so any money i was able to get from my mom was amazing) and walking the almost mile to the baseball card shop and with wide eye wonder looking at all the different cards that they had and seeing my comic cards sitting on the shelf.

I would pay out the little money i had and would get as many packs as i could and then I would open them quickly hoping to find cards i didnt already have. The store keep, kept a binder of 'spare' cards that he would allow me to trade from if i had doubles. It was an amazing and magical time for me. I never really understood how much it had meant to me until I had lost all of them and started this new collection just days ago. Now that im 33 and an adult Im still in that same 'poor' situation that i was when i was a kid but now i have a few extra dollars here and there that i can maybe put toward this, if I decide to keep up with it.

I lost my entire collection due to a house fire in the California Wild-Fires of 2003. So im happy with the small start that I have but like I said Im not sure if im going to keep up with it.

Below are just a few of the pages that I have in my new collection.

[gallery ids="3103,3104,3105,3106,3107,3108"]

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Skeptical Returns

So I recently was contacted by someone who I haven't talked to in over a year. Which I found kinda odd to be hearing from this person based on how they suddenly just broke off any and all communication, and even went as far as to block me on Facebook and their phone all because I didn't want to meet a "friend" of their's.

So a little over a year later I get a "hey how you doing" and I think to myself um really your going to start it off that way after how you walked out on me and just basically disappeared from the planet? But I was friendly and said my hellos and did the whole how are you thing. But Im not sure what is going on or what the outcome of this re-sparked communication is going to mean, but it was kinda nice talking to them again.

I do know for one thing, I am going to keep things at arms length until I know more about what is going on and hopefully there has been change and growth. But I was honest and said that it will take some time for me to be super chummy again. I hope that things work out because its always good to have friends, but we will see what happens.

On a more techie note it seems as if the blog is up and running 100% *knocks on wood* so we will see when and if it does stay up. If you have noticed a lot of down time its because my IT/Hosting guy switched to new servers and updated my DNS which frankly I have no idea what that all means but I just hope that everything is fixed and that I can get back to doing my product reviews.
Im currently in talks with Glooko and Samsung about getting some new things to test out. So hopefully that will work out.

Remember you can follow me via text message by sending Follow @hellocupcake4u to  40404 and please make like and follow the blog and the YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/hellocupcakeitsme

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