Depression, and the hiatus from posting

Well as you know from looking at the dates of the last post to this post it's been quite some time in between. And a lot of that has been the result of just unsurmountable depression that really kind of hit me full force in August and hasn't really let up since then. I've had a lot of anxiety and stress due to my book not being completed in the time frame that I had set aside for it. The editor has had it now for over a month and still has yet to produce any kind of file or workable edit that will translate properly to print and to ebook. So been dealing with a lot of just back and forth with him and I'm at the point where I'm about ready to fire him and see if I can find a new editor. I sent him a message letting him know that he's out of time because as far as he knows he had to have the manuscript back to me before the 16th of November because that was when my original book launch party was going to be and he's had this like I said well over a month now and I still have nothing. So there's that stress. I've also suffered from losing a couple of friends due to misunderstandings and just general bullfuckery. One of these friends I've been friends with for 14 or 15 years the other one just short of 13 years and when I was setting up personal boundaries and just needing to make some changes in my life I didn't realize that the changes were going to come at the expense of losing these two people who were really close to me. But I guess that's what happens when you start to grow and you outgrow those people who are around you. There's been a lot of times within the last couple of months that I have really contemplated not being here anymore by getting into the self checkout line. And it's hard to verbalize and even think of those actions that would make me no longer be here. But I don't want to be dead, and I don't want to be alive, and each time that my depression hits me it gets harder and harder to walk away and to have that strength to fight and carry on. And I know that I'm supposed to be this Pillar of Strength for everyone else but it's hard enough being there for everyone else and yet feeling like no one else is there for me when I know that that's absolutely not true I have a community of people that I could turn to but anyone who deals with any sort of mental health illness understands the isolation that comes with being in the thralls of your downward spiral at the time. So pretty much the only thing that's holding me here is guilt because I don't want to hurt the people who are in my life even though I want to stop the hurt that's in mine! But I just keep moving forward and doing the best I can with what I have available to me even though nine times out of 10 it's absolutely nothing but I try to make the best of that nothing. I've been spending a lot of time playing video games just trying to stay out of my own head and not think about all of the other insurmountable bullshit that's like piling up on top of me. And also knowing that the holidays are right around the corner and have absolutely nothing planned no ideas of gifts nothing and I know that that's not fair to those people in my life that I need to get gifts for and want to get gifts for so I got to pull my head out of my ass or something and start focusing on the holidays and just trying to get together the funds to not only be able to finish publishing my book and getting the book launch party up and going but also getting the money together so that I can buy a little something for everyone on my Christmas list. About the only saving grace that I have right now is the fact that I've started doing cold blooding and that has really helped to reset my mood a lot of times. I was having thoughts of self harm there for a while and that's something I've never had to deal with before. And so when that self-harm kind of showed up it was almost serendipitous that I was asked to do cold plunging with a friend. And so getting into the Super frigid water has had significant benefits. One it's causing me to force myself into a situation that I normally wouldn't be getting myself into IE walking into cold water and forcing myself to be in the cold water. Too as my body starts to acclimate to the ice cold water it hurts and it burns and as I start to swim around it feels like razor blades and Nails scraping across my whole entire body which is satiating that need for self-harm all the time being extremely good for your health and having tremendous health benefits. So as long as I continues to be something good for me I'm going to continue to do it and I actually find myself looking forward to doing it which is really strange. The hardest part for me though is if it is raining or if it is windy trying to get out into the water I know that you know oh yeah you're going to be wet anyway so why does it matter if it's raining but it really does make a huge difference especially when you're coming out of the water trying to warm up and being caught in a deluge of rain. And when it's windy you have the bitter cold waves slapping you in the face and making it that much harder to swim and to just like focus on what needs to be done at that time. So I don't know there's a lot of things kind of culminating all together right now that are making me think feel do and try different things and things that I've never done before. So yeah that's pretty much been it in a nutshell since the last time that I posted. And I really urge you to check out the YouTube channel youtube.com/hellocupcakeitsme check out my videos that are updated every Wednesday and Thursday and then to check out the podcast at podcast.hellocupcakeitsme.com and if you're interested in the book is www.cdsthebook.com 

But for now I guess that is it. Got any questions comments concerns you know how to get a hold of me!