A lot going on

 So there has been a lot going on lately, and some of it good, some of it not so good, and still yet some just the middle of the road.

The very first major change has been that as of March 20th 2025 my biological mother passed away. She had been on a steady decline for the better part of 2 years. With the last 8 months being the worse. I got to see her one last time before her passing. But when I waked into her apartment and was greeted by the sights, sounds, smells and "energy" in the air, I knew from my previous training as a Hospice Nurse, what I was looking at.

The body just takes one a certain look to it. I heard the "death rattle" and seeing how she was ridged and stiff in the fetal position, I knew that she wasn't going to be with us much longer. My sister on the other hand had been down the week prior, and was shocked to see her. For people who haven't been around others in that end phase, it can be shocking. And it isn't easy to see someone in that state, especially when it is a loved one, let alone a parent. We spent a day with her and were able to take her out to Walmart, and get her a few things that she wanted and needed, and just took time with her. That next day my sister brought me home, she collected a few things and then returned and spent the next two weeks with her.

So when I found out that she had passed it was through a text message. It was a bit fucked up to get that in a text vs a phone call. But it was a bitter sweet moment where it was a relief and a sad "my mom just died" at the same time. For years now I have been waiting for that phone call, that someone found her, dead from an over dose or one of her "friends" decided to end her.

Im not 100% sure that I have fully processed it. Though at the moment I am "ok" with everything. I think the finalization will be when I get her ashes back from the body donation center. And I don't know how to respond when people find out that she passed and offer their condolences. Because there is that part of me like I said is upset that my mom died, there is that jaded part of me that is very indifferent to the whole thing. But having to fill out end of life paperwork and having to dig through decades of files and memories to try and fill everything out has been really difficult. Why is it so hard to just "die"?

Which brings me to the next set of "new things" that I have been dealing with. I have recently been diagnosed with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) aka Multiple Personalities. Now if you are older you may remember the movie Sybil played by Sally Field that was a two-part made for tv movie about a real life woman who had 16 different personalities. Which was a very extreme and polarized version of what DID is like, but also very "spot on". I never thought that I had DID and when it was explained to me in the form of IFS (Internal Family Structure) in which a person hears voices that are not theirs, that help in different parts of life. Each of the Alters can have their own memories, personalities, comorbidities, and more. So this means that the times when I have had conversations and I don't remember what had been said, or people say that I have done things that I don't remember means that one of the 5 so far identified personalities may have been in the "drivers seat". 

It has also been suggested that I may be on the Autism Spectrum. Which does make some sense considering some of my habits. I originally began therapy again, to get a formal diagnosis of ADD/ADHD, and to have this whole "box of me" handed to me at 44yrs of age, after thinking I knew myself, has been rather jarring to say the least. Part of the therapies that I am now undergoing is called A.R.T. (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) where you activate both sides of your brain to in a sense "re-write" painful, traumatic memories and help you to overcome whatever has been holding you back for whatever reason. One such memory was from my childhood where I was physically abused, beyond the point of mer discipline, that by today's standards would have had CPS involved in an instant. But I guess that is the "joys" of growing up in the 80's. But during this treatment I was told to recall the memory while following a blue light on a Bilateral EMDR Light Bar (eye movement and reprocessing) that moved at a quick pace from left to right, and to notice the sensations, emotions, and where in the body I felt any changes. After a check in, I was instructed to replay the memory like someone watching from the outside. Then finally to direct the whole sequence like it was a movie, and rewrite the memory to be less traumatic and with a different outcome. After that session, I was asked to recall the memory, and I couldn't. Later when thinking about it, it was like two versions of the same memory, just side by side like when you unfocussed your eyes and you see two images, but they were trying to overlap one another. But the anger, fear, pain, and frustration isn't there. The entire thing is still very difficult for me to explain, especially when it comes to the IFS/DID multiple personalities thing.

Also add to all of this the possibility of a new relationship. At the moment this relationship is very platonic with undertones of possibly becoming romantic in nature. However, there's a lot of hurdles in the way. Mainly from the other person. I've tried to understand them and what it was that they expect from me, because there's flirting and sexual chemistry while on the phone, but once in person there's a change and nothing like that exists. Maybe it's me making things awkward or maybe they are just awkward in general. 

All in all I'm trying to make do the best I can with all situations being thrown at me and dealing with my own issues, my own mourning, and still trying to be strong for everyone else, when I'm not allowing myself to be strong for myself, and trying to weed out the "relationship" thing too. One tell tale sign of internal conflict is that my face begins to break out when I'm under stress and not addressing it. So right now I've got 5 different spots on my face that are sores. So I know I need to start processing things before I get manic and it becomes a depressive spiral.