40 and new perspectives and some ramblings

 

So I turned 40 back in March. A milestone birthday. No longer a young kid, not quite an 'old' person. Midlife. I still feel like Im a teenager. I feel kinda like im turning 18. I still feel a connection to the teens of today, but now understand the adult world more, if that makes any sense. 

Im making some new headway in my life. I've been pursuing becoming a Peer Counselor and will be taking the state certification test in May. I've been taking a lot of online courses and just absorbing up any and all mental health classes that I can possibly get my hands on in hopes that it will help me, help others, while helping me get new insights into my own mental health. Its kind of scary and exciting all at the same time. I dont actually know if I will do anything with this certification. Right now I am doing it 100% for just gleaning insight into my own mental health like I said. I dont know if I am going to go into practice and take on clients, do group sessions or what.

When I talk to people about this, they look at me kind of cross eyed. Like they dont understand why I am putting in the effort and taking these classes and getting certifications and diplomas in all these different areas of study if im not going to do anything with it. I cant fully say what the motivating factor behind it all is, other than the subject is interesting to me right now. Well, I've always been interested in psychology I guess. I like knowing how people think and what makes them tick. Ever since I was little, I loved it when people would open up to me and tell me things that they wouldn't tell others. I've always been in the councilor role without really knowing it. And I have unwillingly fallen into the role with a friends adult son. He suffers with depression, bipolar, rage issues, and previous substance abuse. I see a lot of myself in him, and understand him on a level that I never really wanted to connect with him on. I understand the anger and rage and the bipolar outbursts. Everyone around him seems to run and hide when he goes off. I stand there in the midst of the outburst and see the pain and the overwhelming concern behind the screaming obscenities. Its like the more angry he is, the more calm I become. I've tried explaining to his family that when he is in this state that it has nothing to do with them and that it isn't directed at them, its his feelings coming to surface and is venting the only way that makes sense to him at the moment.
Maybe having this understanding and insider knowledge is what is pushing me to learn what I can. Maybe its my own bipolar mania that is driving me, and I am tricking myself into thinking that it is helping me understand myself? I dont know.

But turning 40 has really opened my eyes to a lot of different things. Mortality being one of them. Most of the men in my family dont live past 75, and being 40 gives me 35 years left. Where I feel that I have lived hundreds if not thousands of years most days. I realize that these remaining years are going to fly by. Some may think that I am being pessimistic about it and that I could live longer. But honestly I am being optimistic that I will live that long. I've had dreams of me being well into my 80's and 90's, but with my current health the way that it is, I dont know. Im trying to do better, but still not sure what the future holds. But it is something that I am thinking more and more about. 
I sometimes wish I could be like Dorian Grey and have a painting of me and my cat that aged slowly giving me a supernaturally long life, or even to be that of a Vampire. That at the end of my long life, when I have done everything that one can do, and accomplished things that would take an entire life of work and toiling to see come to fruition, then walk out to greet the sun and move on to the great beyond. My mortality doesn't really bother me, its more of the pain of the people that I would leave behind that bothers me. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a loving way. This world is so full of pain, and I dont want to cause it unnecessary with something as mundane as my passing. I know its part of the cycle of life, and with further advancements in science, it seems as if the hereafter is just a shifting of energy and moving into a new dimension.

But all these things are fanciful dreams and musings right? Retrospective seems to be a good term to attach to my turning 40. Not that I havent always had one eye on the past and one on the future, while trying to live in the present. Though jokingly I have found myself saying things like "when I was your age" or "when I was coming up" and things like that more often. And its funny to me. Like at this current moment in time, when I think of 20yrs ago I think of the 90's not the dawn of the new millennium. I have an inside joke with myself of being this elderly crone telling stories like "gather round children, and let me tell you of the old ways".  But at the same time, who and I to dispense such elderly arcane wisdom when I myself really havent done anything noteworthy?

I still have asperations for things that I would like to accomplish, and things that I would like to manifest into my life. But for now I am just taking baby steps to learn who this new Michael is. 

But all of that aside, you should head over to my YouTube channel and check out what's going on over there and get weekly updates. Unless you enjoy my ramblings when I remember to update the blog.

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Helping yourself to help others

 Recently I have picked up on my online education in Peer Counseling and looking to get back into school to try and finish out my AA. Ive been taking a lot of online courses and getting certificates and diplomas in various subject matters that I think will help me, help others in the long run.
Currently I am working on a course subject through a great website called Alison.com (click here to check it out) its free online education, and has so many different subject matters and offers you certification or diplomas in the various topics offered through their services. The class that I am working on right now is Stress Management in the work place. I have covered so many topics and gleaned information that has helped me in other areas of my life, especially when dealing with anxiety and stress. 

I figure that even if I never do anything with my peer counseling that I will at least have the knowledge and information to help not only myself with my daily mental health, but to help others who may come to me seeking help of their own. Im really loving doing all of these activities and taking these different courses, and just learning. Its mentally stimulating and has honestly helped me unpack some of my own issues.

I have covered some of this in my latest YouTube videos (click here to check it out). But just writing it out is giving me some much needed motivation to keep going through with it and making a difference for myself. I've like I said, still havent figured out what I am going to do with all of this knowledge. But I do think that I may volunteer at one of the local mental health or treatment facilities for a little while. What I would love to do is maybe someday try to open a mental health facility that is 100% free, so that everyone within the community can have access to help regardless of their medical insurance. 

It is something that is needed so much within the community and nation. I dont know what all the steps to even starting something like that would be, but I do know that if I were given the oppurtunity to do so, that is something I would like to see established. Even if I just got it started and walked away from it once it was up and running that would be awesome too.

I know only a few days from my 40th birthday seems like a bit of a late start, but I feel like this is the right time to accomplish some of these desires and small goals that I have laid out for myself. What are your thoughts? 

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Feeling so blessed

 So I make no apologies about this. I am a huge grandma's boy. I dont care who knows it, its true. I loved my grandmother and she was the biggest influence in my life. She was my touch stone. My pillar
of strength. She was always there for me when I needed her. The day she passed, was a very sad, dark day for me. My foundation cracked, and I felt utterly alone.

Throughout my life, my meek and humble grandmother shone a light of kindness, love, warmth, and security. So as some (if not all of you) may know. In 2003 I lost my house to a wild fire that swept through southern California. Well when I was in the 8th or 9th grade, I had a family history project that I had to do. My grandmother sat down with her tape recorder and recorded an oral history of our family spanning all the way back to Sweden. 
Listening to the history pour out of her, I could feel and see the imagery of the words she spoke. Im going to be 40 in a few weeks. So this cassette tape was made when I was about 13 give or take. I moved all around California and then here to Washington. I thought that this tape had been lost to the house fire or just to the sands of time as it were. I found it in a box that I hadn't unpacked from when I moved from California almost 14yrs ago now. I was looking for something, I honestly cant even remember what it was now. But when I saw this tape with the white out label, I knew exactly what it

was instantly. I found someone online who offered to clean up the audio and transfer it to CD. 

Today was the first time in almost a decade that I heard my grandmothers voice. Listening to her recant the tales of her parents lives and her life and that of my aunts and uncles was just amazing. It was like I was a kid again sitting in the kitchen listening to her record it while i sat there eating cookies and milk. I seriously can not believe it made it all this time. 
Its jokingly said that I am a hoarder, and you know what, for once I am glad that I hoarded something. This has meant everything to me. Im not sure if my cousins, or my aunt or uncle will appreciate it as much as I do. But knowing that I have something with her voice on it, is more than everything in the world to me. I just wish that I something with my dad's voice on it. But for now I have it in a digital format and have uploaded it to several different places throughout the internet.

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Feeling alone

We as humans tend to be social creatures, needing to form familiar bonds and social structures with those around us. But when you begin to feel alone because you dont feel that you can communicate with the people in your life, things tend to take a turn for the worse.

When you have situations arise in your life that you just need the comfort and advice of your tribe but you can not fully open up to everyone because you are afraid of the reticule and judgement that you would receive. It makes it even more difficult. Especially when you are already dealing with depression, anxiety, and other mental health related issues. But still you just bare your cross when you cant even bare your own thoughts and keep moving forward. You fear every phone call, every knock on the door, every email, text, or PM you get. Wondering if that communique is the one that strikes the deadly blow. No one could beat you up worse than your own psyche. Because who knows you better? Who is with you 24/7? 

One piece of advice I could give someone who has someone who has mental health issues is this. If they confide in you, good, bad, or indifferent. Do not tell their story to someone else. Do not make fun of them with your other friends when they are not around. And assure them that you will not do these things. Because people who suffer with mental health issues typically are over thinkers. And will play out every possible scenario in their head to the point of driving them mad. It consumes our every waking thought. It burdens us with the thought that you may do these things. Even if you say you wouldn't, we still dont 100% believe you. That is why so many who suffer with these hidden diseases never come forward. Its the fear. Its the guilt of being sick. Its so many things that are physical, made up, and everything in between. Feeling alone, when you have so many people around you is not a pleasant feeling. Your inner darkness tells you all kinds of horrible things. And after awhile it becomes a lullaby and you get hypnotized and begin believing everything it says. 

Dont make people feel alone in a crowded room. Be their touch stone. Be the keeper of their secrets and stories. Be their vault. 

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Kidney Stones

 Until now (and hopefully never after this) I had never had a Kidney Stone. I heard that they hurt really bad and that there is really no other pain like it.

Well I can say, I now have a reference point for what people are talking about. For the last week and a half, I have been in the process of passing one (maybe more). And it is a unique experience that I would wish on no one. Where you feel physically fine, you internally hurt. The painful pressure that envelops you and its course is not something that can easily be described. For a week or so prior to getting the diagnosis that I indeed had a kidney stone. I had lower back pain that wrapped around both sides of my back. Im heavy set and had been doing some cleaning and moving things around and what have you and thought that maybe this was just an old injury waking up from not sleeping well and that I needed to flip my mattress. So I didnt think anything about it. But I noticed that my urine started becoming clear. And this gave me pause. Because last time that my urine was clear, and I had lower back issues it was because I was in Diabetic Ketoacidosis. So I made a trip to the local Urgent Care clinic and told them everything that was going on and what my concerns were. I asked them to do a blood panel and x-ray to see if everything was ok. They only did a "dip stick" test and told me that everything looked fine. Of course it wasn't and they just wanted to bill me quickly and send me home. So A few days later, I wake up with this horrible pain/pressure in my right side. It was a day that I was supposed to take a friend of mine to her doctors appointment. I asked her if I could still take her but that I wanted to go by the Urgent Care center over by her doctors in hopes that they may do a few more tests. About 30 minutes later, I had to call and cancel plans with her as I felt I needed to get into the ER quickly. I have this crippling pain in my side, and my heart beat was erratic and all over the place. Looking back now, I shouldn't have driven myself. 

Upon arrival, I barely made it through the intake questions before it felt like I was going to vomit. I ran to the restroom where I did just that. For the next 4 hours I would vomit, lose the ability to regulate my temperature and be so uncomfortable that it wasn't even funny. Like a miracle after the testing had happened, the doctor came in and said "do you want to stay here or do you want to go home?" I asked if they were going to do anything special that I couldnt do at home. "No not really, all we'll do is keep you hooked up to IV's and wait." I of course chose home. The 10 mile drive home was one that I dont remember much of. I felt like I was underwater, and seeing everything through a haze. I just remember trying to speed home and getting mad that everyone was doing what felt like 15 miles under the speed limit. The week long bullshit that came to follow was the hardest that I ever had to deal with. I laid in bed, day and night. Watching the progression of hours across my walls as dark became light and faded back to dark. I heard the whole world roaring around me. The little things that my neighbors did in their day to day lives. How I could tell who was home by how hard they slammed the door. Sometimes waking me up from my all to few and brief moments of painless sleep. The overly powerful narcotics that the hospital gave me, making me sicker and unable to clearly think. To no even be able to entertain myself with music, or television because the light, sound, and motion of it all was far to much to process. Even talking on the phone was a chore. I had little happiness here and there when my super hero of a friend would come by to check on me. And like a doting nursemaid would come and check on me, and graciously go to the store and retrieve things that I needed or wanted. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better friend. At one point I think that she even "laid hands" on me. A gesture which I am sure brought her comfort, and I am thankful that she would if she did. But laying on my back, in one position, for several days. I began thinking of my last days. If this is how it is to pass, then I hope that mine comes quickly. I dont want to lay in a bed, waiting, wishing, hoping. I want to fall asleep after telling my loved ones I love them, and wake up where ever the great beyond takes us. 

The hardest thing to deal with was the racing thoughts, and being a slave to their whirlwind changes. Good, bad, depraved, evil, hysterical and everything between. At one point I just gave up any semblance of control and allowed myself to follow them. No matter how obscure, dark, grotesque, just to follow them. It was all I could do. I didnt have the strength to fight a mental battle as well as a physical health battle. The dreams that formulated from doing so were strange flights of fancy and darkly sanicle. I purposely stopped taking the narcotics because it was making me feel worse. And switched over to over the counter medications. At the time of writing this, I believe im on my out of this nightmare. I can only hope to never step foot on this path again. As this is not something that I want to do ever. I have made my purchases at the giftshop, created a scrapbook page, and now am ready to heal and move forward. So if this was the yearly gift of self that I seem to have every year before my birthday, then I can only imagine what is to happen when I turn 41. Last February it was Covid. The year before that was cluster migraines, and the year before that was something new as well. I am not looking forward to 41. But with this kidney issue in the hopeful rearview mirror, 40 will be a good year.  

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Which side are you on?

History is always written from the winning stand point, with a look back at what opposing forces did prior to the "new norm". 

American history was made in: 

1776 when the Declaration of Independence was signed. 

1787 Constitution of the United States of America was signed. 

1863 Battle of Gettysburg took place. 

1865 the 13th Amendment was passed freeing slaves, thus ending the Civil War. 

1870 African American's were allowed to vote.

1905 Separation of the Church and the State.

1920 Women were given the right to vote. 

1948 Women's Rights were established.

1960 Poll Taxes and Literacy tests were abolished allowing for persons of all educational and financial           classes to freely vote. 

1968 Civil Rites Passed. 

2004 Anti-discrimination Laws including discrimination of the LGBT Community. 

2008 The first person of color was elected into office.

2015 Same Sex Marriage became legalized. 

Living during historical times, we find ourselves looking at a world divided. Us vs Them. Red vs. Blue. Democrat vs Republican. Left vs Right. We have hot topic issues and phrases being brought up in conversations daily. We have the invention of the hashtag that gives an instant link and social credibility to the millions of people who agree/connect/rally/etc. with it. With the entirety of the worlds knowledge at our finger tips and the ability to reach people on a global scale like never before. The transmission of thought, word, and deed has never been faster. 

The exchange of ideas and ideals. Practices and policies. All of these can be sent from pretty much anywhere on the globe with a powerful communication device that 99% of all people carry on them at all times. 
Yet with this ability to communicate, it is the last thing that we actually do with them. It seems like we have never been more apart in our history as a nation. The above dates mentioned, are defining dates within our history where the nation was divided. It is not a complete listing, but a general representation of many of our major divisions. 

We as a people have lived through many changes, some good, some bad, some ok. Regardless of which side you stand on, there is going to be those who feel that they were wronged. The above dates, caused wars, violence, and division on a national scale. Those in power didn't want to see people of color freed. Some didn't want people of color to vote. 

Some didn't want women to vote. Some didn't want people of color to have rights. Some didn't want the LGBT to have the right to marry or serve their country. We have been divided and still remained American. However, with the 2016 election, we have found ourselves divided. On one side of the coin, people saw free speech finally given a platform, and a chance to "Make America Great Again". On the other side of that coin, people saw discrimination, and violence. 

Some viewed it as a platform of truth and needed change, others of hate and a step backwards. We had only been so divided as a nation when it was The North vs The South. The era of Me vs Them came into existence.  Four years of civil upset and unrest was birthed. Family, friends, neighbors, and collages divided into groups. 

Fights exploded on the streets, in the grocery stores, and within our very homes, as tensions grew. A whitewashed hatred that only certain groups of our country experienced came to light for those any one and every one who denied its existence prior. Even with the insurmountable evidence, written and televised exposure, there was and is still parts of the nation that is like an Ostrich with its head in the sand. Only hearing what they wish to believe and dismissing anything to the contrary as "fake news." 

Regardless of what has happened, and what is to come, we need to remember something that seems to have been forgotten. We are all the same people. We are the whole of our efforts, not apart from them. We must put aside the hatred and try to heal and come together once again. 

Forgotten is the time of brotherhood that came about from the attacks on American soil in 2011. For a brief moment, we were one. We were Americans. There was no black and white. No red vs blue. We were united. Yes with the recent election some may feel cheated and wronged. But such is the politics of this country. 

But at the end of the day, if the Government was to collapse and no longer able to function, we would be left with ourselves. Would you still follow your elected officials if there was no country to follow? Would you still subjugate yourselves to the rules and laws of the old, or would you forge a new path and try to rebuild a community and eventually a nation of new ideals and standards. It's not being said not to have civic or national pride. But to remember who WE are. 

We all must reunite and remember that we are Americans. We will not always have the same viewpoints, but that we at least have the ability to chose our viewpoints. That we are not a country ruled by dictatorship. We are a Democracy. 

Remember it says "We the People of the United States" not "We the People and those who think like me". 

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RAM

The Gift of Self is the most precious gift one can give to another. It is truly magical, when it is done without expectation of reward, or repayment. So many people do the "right" thing for the wrong reason.

When you do something for someone, and you have expectations of being rewarded or you try and document your "good deeds" via social media or whatever else, is it still a good deed? If you give for the act of giving, and seek no praise or attention then you are truly blessing someone.
I always try to do what I have begun calling RAM's Random Acts of Miracles. RAM's can be anything that YOU do to make someone's life/day/week/etc better. WITHOUT EXPECTATION OF REWARD. 

What do I mean "without expectation of reward?" That means if you do something it is done with pure hearted intentions. You are not doing it in hopes of being called out for it. You are not doing it so you can post to your social media about it. You are getting nothing from it other than the feeling of being a good person and doing good to and for others. The person you put a blessing on could have a number of things going on with them. It is not for you to decide if they are "worthy" or not. You do the RAM and you go. If you need to say anything just say "Let me put this blessing on you. And when you can do for another." It is a very simple idea, a small gesture, a small token. If you have but only $5 to your name, but you have food, your bills are paid, you are ok, place that blessing on someone that may need just a few dollars. That is giving of yourself selflessly. Don't fret about the act, dont judge the person prior to doing it, just bless them and move on. Things will come back to you in abundance. But do not expect this either.  

Here are two examples of what I mean. The other day, I was out at Walmart with my friends doing some after christmas shopping. When I went to check out at the self check out lanes there was a lady there. Nothing special or out of the ordinary. But I began watching her check out. And my spirit wouldn't let me not watch her. Even though I was carrying on and laughing with my friends, one eye was affixed to her. She had a large stack of coupons and gift cards and what have you, and she was scanning items very slowly. She would scan an item, look at the total and go to the next item. I didnt see all that she was buying, just how she was scanning and watching the total. I kept observing this, and thankfully my friends are slow. I watched her look at a pair of shoes and put them back in the go back cart. She walked away. I walked over, looked at the price, reached into my wallet and pulled out $13.00 and I walked them back to her, handed her the money and said "here hun let me put this blessing on you" to which she replied with a shocked and stunned "are you sure, no i cant" to which I said be blessed" and walked away. I could hear her saying thank you, but I ignored her. I didn't want to make a scene or make her feel obligated in anyway. I could over hear her telling someone what I had just done and I hurried to finish my transaction so that I could get out of there quickly. One of my friends told their mom "Mom did you just see what Michael did?" and then it started with the whole "oh my god Michael you are so awesome" blah blah blah. I told them both "that isn't why I did it. Yes it was my last $13 that I had enough for my own stuff but that I felt that I needed to bless her and that we needed to drop it." 

Last year, before COVID sprang up like a monster and ruined our lives, I took on the project of collecting purses, and toiletries for the homeless. Starting back in July of 2019 I bought tampons, maxi pads, tooth brushes, tooth paste, antibacterial wipes, and had people donate me their old purses. Another friend of mine donated a case of brand new socks, and 2 cases of bar soap. A local business donated 200 personal disposable razors, and a local dentist donated a bag of mini toothpaste, and floss. And I got the Health Department to donate condoms. I even put together Clean Needle Bags, with antiseptic wipes, and 2 clean needles, just in case they were IV Drug users. Each month I took about $15-$40 out of my already limited budget, cut back on my personal wants and needs, and bought as much as I could. When November ended, I had enough items to donate to 53 people. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't much.
I know that most people wouldn't have made up these little clean needle bags, but my father was an IV Drug user, and two of my cousins were and are too. So I know how needles get passed around, and how that whole lifestyle goes. I had the Health Department give me cards about the needle exchange that i included with them. If you have followed me on YouTube or on this blog for any length of time, you know that I only get about (now) $800 a month, but back then I was getting right around $760 a month. $675 of that goes to rent, $65 goes toward my internet, and the rest goes to trying to cover whatever I need through out the month. So I by no means "have it like that" to be giving to others. But I felt a calling to do so. I have learned to follow my inner voice/spirit whenever I have a calling, I have to follow it. Do your best, bless and be blessed!

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Psyching yourself up for new changes

We all have changes that we need to or want to make in our lives, and sometimes just finding the motivation and the determination to actually start is sometimes the hardest part of the whole overall journey.

I have these grandioso plans of getting out of the house, and placing my foot on the beginning of the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) which is a 2650 miles (4260k). I watch movies like Wild which is about Cheryl Strayed's personal journey on the trail. It has inspired me. I really want to see new sights and to undertake something like that. Just my short little 13.5 mile hike/walk on the Larry Scott Trail was a spiritual movement and a bit of a "holy shit" moment for me. So I can only imagine what doing something like walking the PCT or the AT (Appalachian Trail) or any number of other trails. 

I find that I have this burning wonderlust that is building inside of me. Clawing for a change. What type of change im not really sure. I hurt 95% of the time that I am out walking. Either my feet are killing me or its my back. But I am pretty addicted to the "high" that you get from doing so. I've started amassing a collection of hiking/camping/outdoor equipment. Started watching videos on how to dehydrate meals and leftovers for backpacking. Im watching with feverish bewilderment, YouTube videos from other hikers and backpackers and their thru hikes. Wanting to see, experience, taste, and smell everything that comes with being out in the wilderness, alone. 

I think that what I am going to strive for is to walk the 130 mile trek of the Olympic Discovery Trail that spans from The Puget Sound to The Pacific Ocean. Mainly because its "safe" and literally close to home. No matter where I am at on the trail, I would only be an hour or so from home. It goes through some pretty interesting areas. Most of which is city, but a good majority goes through part of the Hoa Rainforest and Olympic Forest. 

How much of this is just fantasy and how much of it is something that I am going to ever accomplish are totally different things. But I think that it is something that I could do. I just know that there needs to be a change in what I am doing, how I am living, and how I am feeling.

Maybe playing Moses and walking across the earth is what does it. Or maybe it fuels the fires of unrest and causes me to seek out new and more challenging feats.  

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An Unexpected Journey

So for the last almost 7 months I have been walking more and more and finding it rather enjoyable. I've never been one for hiking or anything like that. I've liked the idea of it, but putting that into the physical act of actually doing so has always been something completely different.

Just recently, I walked 13.5 miles (21.73k) from my town to the next. Now according to the trail signs, the distance is only 7.3 miles (11.75k). But Im not sure if that "as the crow flies" (meaning a straight line) or if that is how far it actually is. But 3 different apps that I have on my phone said that it was 13.5 miles.  Which trust me, either way, my feet and back were killing me. It was such an emotional and almost spiritual adventure. I have NO EXCUSE for why I did it. It quite literally just happened. The day that I went walking, I had it in my mind that I was going to walk to the 6 mile marker. Where I park my car and start walking is about 1/4 of a mile (0.042k) from the 7 mile post marker. So I have always done the trail just past the 6.5 trail marker. But that day like I said I wanted to see where Mile 6 post was. And it was on a part of the trail that I had never done before, so if anything, curiosity got the better of me.

So, when I came up on the 6 mile marker, I decided to "go a little further" to see where that part of the trial went. When I came to the bottom of a steep hill and saw a ranch style fence, I thought "ok i'll just walk up to that fence and turn around." Had I done that, my round trip would have been just under 4 miles at that point, because I had walked over 1.5 miles. But when I got to the top of that hill and caught my breath, I noticed that the trail was flat for as far as I could see. So I thought, "ok I wonder where 5.5 miles is." A few weeks prior to all of this, I picked up the trail from a different access point and walked from the 4 mile marker to the 5 mile marker. I called a girlfriend of mine and asked her if she would come pick me up if I kept walking because I knew I probably wouldn't have the strength nor the stamina to make the return trip to my car. And that I was going to keep walking until I couldn't go any further. So she agreed and so I continued my journey.

When I got to the 5.5 mile marker (8.85k) I realized that I had seen it before, and realized where I was from having walked it a few weeks prior. So that gave me a renewed sense of energy "knowing" that the next trail access was only a mile or so up from where I was. This is when things started getting a bit spiritual for me. As I was walking, and there really wasn't anyone else on the trail, save for a biker or someone running by every now and then, but for the majority of the time, I was all by myself. 

So I started talking to god/goddess/spirit/higher power/the universe/etc and asking for the ability to complete my task of walking further than I have. Now mind you, this is when the wildfires in California, Oregon, and Washington were really bad. The air quality was 289 (which is really really REALLY bad). And because I didn't plan on doing that large of a walk, I had NO previsions with me. Thankfully this time of year all of the Blackberries are in season and so are the wild apple trees. So every so often I would stop at a blackberry patch and grab a few handfuls and mush it around in my mouth. Not only for the sweet sugary taste, but for the juice to help with my thirst. So about 2 miles from where I started eating the blackberries, I met a wonderful lady who was mucking out her horse stalls. I stopped and spoke with her for a few moments, she offered to go get me some water, but her house was about 8 acres from where she was, and I honestly didn't want to stand around and wait for her. So I thanked her and kept on going. I then came to a green apple tree. I thought that it might be crab apples, which are very tart and kind of "woody" and not very juicy. I knocked one off the tree, because at this point I was starving because I didn't eat anything before going on my walk, because having to use the restroom on the trail isn't that fun, and I didnt have any toilet paper with me, so I didn't want to eat and have to deficate on the trail. But that apple was a wild Granny Smith. It was the most delicious apple I had ever eaten (at least right then while i was a bit dehydrated and hungry) that I actually turned around and got 5 more for the trip ahead. 

By this time I was at the 4.5 mile marker letting me know that I was almost to the trail access that I was going to have my friend pick me up at. But I started thinking "its really not that much further into town." So I kept going. By this time im an emotional wreck, and everything is making me want to cry. I had begun "unpacking" emotions and situations that had happened and just really doing some mental and emotional cleaning and soul searching. My feet were in pain, my lower back was numb from the pain. But I just kept telling myself to keep going. Honestly I have no fixed memory of what I was thinking about at the time. What feelings I was having. Nothing. It would come in waves, I would think about it and play scenarios out in my head and then move on to the next thought. They kept coming like waves, and it seemed like everytime I would come up for a breath I would get hit with another one. 

After I got past the 4 mile marker and saw the 3.5 marker I was completely lost. So everything at that point was new. Which brought on its own set of emotional tidal waves. I started talking to myself and the universe or whatever spirit or god wanted to hear me and listen to the ramblings of a fat man walking in the woods. At one point I came to a large tunnel that ran under a road that I had driven over many times before, but did not realize that there was a trail that went under it. And there was a breeze that was passing through it that made it feel like an air conditioner, which took my breath away because I was really hot. I just stood there for a moment, and cooled down.

Then walking through it, I noticed all the graffiti that was on the walls and had thought about my friends from California who are street artists and how they would have loved that tunnel and would have used it as one big canvas for something im sure that would have been worthy of an art gallery.

Just on the other side of this tunnel was a long stretch of forest trail that had the most lush and prehistoric looking Sword Ferns that I have ever seen. These have quickly become one of my favorite forest plants that I have come across. So as I was marveling at the natural beauty around me, and coming to an open field, something walked out onto the road and caught my eye. At first I thought that it was a small dog or a racoon or something like that, but it was an orange tom cat. As I approached it I thought that someone may have abandoned it out there. But as the trees began thinning and I got closer to the clearing, I could see that there were houses on either side of me, and that this little guy had a collar on, and a well worn trail where he had walked many times before. But trust me, I was more than ready to scoop him up and bring him home with me, even though Bella probably would have killed both him and I.

When I had walked about 1500 yards, I could see the highway into town. This of course brought tears to my eyes, realizing how close I was to the end of the trail, and thinking about how many times I had driven that stretch of road and never knew that there was all of this beauty and semi hidden trail. Walking under the freeway and realizing that I had less than 2.5 miles to go before I was at the end of my journey, I began getting really giddy. More street art adorned the overpass. 

When I came to the 2 mile marker of the trail, I almost lost it. Years prior, when I had first moved to Washington, I had walked to the 2 mile marker from the end of the trail, and realized that it was literally all downhill from there, but in the best possible way.  My thoughts and emotions were all over the place. When I came to the 1 mile marker. I started crying uncontrollably. I started talking to my dad, my grandma, and grandpa, telling them how proud they would be of me for making it that far, and for having done something like that in the first place. I could see my end goal in sight. I know that section of the trial all to well, as I walk it several times a month. When I got to the 1/2 mile marker I called my friend and told her where to pick me up. There was a part of me that wanted to keep walking. To keep walking past the trails end, all the way to the end of the road where it met the ocean. But I had kept her waiting by her phone all day, and didn't want to make her wait around for me any longer than what she already had.

As I approached the end of the trail, where it meets a parking lot. It felt like my steps were getting heavier and harder to make. Like subconsciously I didn't want it to end. That even though I was in pain, and numb, that I needed to keep going. But the spark of sanity that I had left told me that it was more of an accomplishment than I was giving myself credit for. Stepping off the trail, and walking to where I told my friend I would meet her, was difficult. Time was off for me. I kept having flashbacks to where I was, what I had seen, and to a smaller degree who i was when I started vs who I was when it ended. Yeah it was only a few hours, and several miles of walking. But it really did have that profound of an effect on me. Especially since the week before I was seriously depressed, and had being toying with the idea of just ending it once and for all. But here I was. I had accomplished a goal that I had set for the following summer, and had accomplished it almost 7 months ahead of schedule. 

When I saw my friends car pull up, I lost all control I had and began crying. She was more than ecstatic for me, and just as shocked as I was that I had done it. I kept my sobbing under control the best that I could, just letting hot tears streak down my face. My back was in spasms, my feet felt like they were broken. My shins hurt, my calves were cramping. But I had done it. I had made a trip that this time last year would have been impossible. 

For days after my walk, I had what I can only describe as PTSD from it. I just kept having flashbacks to parts of the trail. Remembering things that I saw, the scent, the sounds. I have since started watching Trail Vloggers, and watching their journey's. And they all have said the same thing. That when they end a hike, that they get what they call "post trail depression".  I have now downloaded several hiking apps, that show all of the trails in my area, and their ratings. And I have also began stockpiling hiking gear. I've been walking with a school backpack with about 7lbs of stuff in it, just to get used to walking with a pack on. My friends husband, gave me one of his old hunting packs and told me that he has some other items that he was going to give me.

I have already planned my next "big" walk. Its just under 14 miles, and another one that I plan on doing next summer too. I would try to do it now, but its fall/winter here in the PNW now and i'm still not that experienced, and still need to build up the strength and stamina to do so. And plus it will give me some more time to get things together for it. 

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Looking back to look forward

 

More often than not, I find myself looking back over the course of my life. I was once in a relationship with someone who said "quit looking back all the time, you are in the present now. You can't live your life in the past." Well where I understand what they were trying to say, for someone like me, who is typically a cronicaler of events, my past is what shapes my future, and what helps me to keep my focus.

Lately, I have been looking back and doing a lot of soul searching. I am constantly wondering, what would have happened if I had "made that left turn at Albuquerque?" I mainly find myself thinking about these things as I do my daily walks through the woods. It has become a physical and spiritual retreat for me. Allowing me time to pounder things, while walking for weight loss and health, and commune and connect with nature. 
It has become very metaphorical for me, while walking to associate the side paths as the directions I didnt take when I was younger. Staying on the main path as I walk, I know my beginning, middle, and end. There is a grouping of trees that I always turn around at to start the walk back to my car. However, if I was to look at that dusty old path as my life, there is no point at which I can turn back and redo things.

When I was younger (although 39 isnt that old) there were many many side paths that I could have taken. My soul was that of a Gypsy. I had a wanderlust, and a curiosity for the world that I just dont have anymore. And some of the opportunities that were "afforded" to me in my youth, are no longer there. I think of the countless times that I had the oppurtunity to move to Washington starting back at 14yrs old. What if I had just left, and went with my friends. What would my life had looked like at that point? Would I have eventually ended up here in Washington in the end anyways? But what about those people who came into my life during Jr. High and High School and even college? Our paths probably would never have crossed. But who knows who I would have met. Maybe I would have fallen in love and had a family by now? 
And I think of the decisions I made during my college years. What if I hadn't meet and fallen in love with the person I was dating in college. That I ended up dropping out of school, and living on the floor of my friends dining room just so that I could be closer to them. I think about what my life would have been like by now, should I have completed college. Would I be the English teacher that I wanted to be. Would I have gone into marketing like I always wanted to do? Or would I have fallen back on one of my many other degrees that I was pursuing at the time.

I will admit that most of my decisions were fear based. Some were logical dont get me wrong. But me leaving my family and moving to a different state. That was a huge scary step that I was going to take. I had never been more than 45 minutes to an hour from my family. But I was ready to leave them all and move 1500 miles away because I needed a change in my life. I think about that all of the time. What if I had stayed in California? Would I be living on my own? Would I have been happier? Dont get me wrong. Im pretty happy here in Washington. But my mental health also came apart once I moved here. Though I knew that I needed help back when I was living there in California. But I couldn't find it, like AT ALL!

So who knows what would have happened. But things still linger for me, sometimes on the forefront of my mind. Things that happened to me when I was 3yrs old. My first kiss. How it felt to ride naked through the desert on a motorcycle, under the light of a full moon. The hot abrasive sand between my toes. The cold damp air of a foggy morning, when I was walking to school. The anxiety I had/have going into a restroom. The hateful words people have said to me. Its funny I can remember almost every word every bullie said to me, but cant remember the kind ones that others said. Jeez thats a harsh reality check I just had. Even now that I am typing this out, im having flash backs, and memories come to me that I thought I forgot. 

I dont know what the future holds for me. And looking at how much sand has passed through the hourglass, I dont think I have much longer honestly. I dont expect to live much past 70. So the fact that im 39 now drives that home every day. The only thing that I can do is what I have done in the past, take every day step by step. Enjoy the small things, and try to overcome the bad.  To keep looking back at where I came from, and see the growth and progress of where I am now. Ever forward, never backward.

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