Looking back to look forward

 

More often than not, I find myself looking back over the course of my life. I was once in a relationship with someone who said "quit looking back all the time, you are in the present now. You can't live your life in the past." Well where I understand what they were trying to say, for someone like me, who is typically a cronicaler of events, my past is what shapes my future, and what helps me to keep my focus.

Lately, I have been looking back and doing a lot of soul searching. I am constantly wondering, what would have happened if I had "made that left turn at Albuquerque?" I mainly find myself thinking about these things as I do my daily walks through the woods. It has become a physical and spiritual retreat for me. Allowing me time to pounder things, while walking for weight loss and health, and commune and connect with nature. 
It has become very metaphorical for me, while walking to associate the side paths as the directions I didnt take when I was younger. Staying on the main path as I walk, I know my beginning, middle, and end. There is a grouping of trees that I always turn around at to start the walk back to my car. However, if I was to look at that dusty old path as my life, there is no point at which I can turn back and redo things.

When I was younger (although 39 isnt that old) there were many many side paths that I could have taken. My soul was that of a Gypsy. I had a wanderlust, and a curiosity for the world that I just dont have anymore. And some of the opportunities that were "afforded" to me in my youth, are no longer there. I think of the countless times that I had the oppurtunity to move to Washington starting back at 14yrs old. What if I had just left, and went with my friends. What would my life had looked like at that point? Would I have eventually ended up here in Washington in the end anyways? But what about those people who came into my life during Jr. High and High School and even college? Our paths probably would never have crossed. But who knows who I would have met. Maybe I would have fallen in love and had a family by now? 
And I think of the decisions I made during my college years. What if I hadn't meet and fallen in love with the person I was dating in college. That I ended up dropping out of school, and living on the floor of my friends dining room just so that I could be closer to them. I think about what my life would have been like by now, should I have completed college. Would I be the English teacher that I wanted to be. Would I have gone into marketing like I always wanted to do? Or would I have fallen back on one of my many other degrees that I was pursuing at the time.

I will admit that most of my decisions were fear based. Some were logical dont get me wrong. But me leaving my family and moving to a different state. That was a huge scary step that I was going to take. I had never been more than 45 minutes to an hour from my family. But I was ready to leave them all and move 1500 miles away because I needed a change in my life. I think about that all of the time. What if I had stayed in California? Would I be living on my own? Would I have been happier? Dont get me wrong. Im pretty happy here in Washington. But my mental health also came apart once I moved here. Though I knew that I needed help back when I was living there in California. But I couldn't find it, like AT ALL!

So who knows what would have happened. But things still linger for me, sometimes on the forefront of my mind. Things that happened to me when I was 3yrs old. My first kiss. How it felt to ride naked through the desert on a motorcycle, under the light of a full moon. The hot abrasive sand between my toes. The cold damp air of a foggy morning, when I was walking to school. The anxiety I had/have going into a restroom. The hateful words people have said to me. Its funny I can remember almost every word every bullie said to me, but cant remember the kind ones that others said. Jeez thats a harsh reality check I just had. Even now that I am typing this out, im having flash backs, and memories come to me that I thought I forgot. 

I dont know what the future holds for me. And looking at how much sand has passed through the hourglass, I dont think I have much longer honestly. I dont expect to live much past 70. So the fact that im 39 now drives that home every day. The only thing that I can do is what I have done in the past, take every day step by step. Enjoy the small things, and try to overcome the bad.  To keep looking back at where I came from, and see the growth and progress of where I am now. Ever forward, never backward.