What IfThe "What

 The "What If" game is one of the worse games that one can play with oneself. As I have typed and said many times, I have no clue as to what my future holds. No one really does when it comes to it. However, some at least have an idea as to what they would like for their lives and how they would like things to turn out.

I know what I want, and the problem being, is that to obtain those things, there is a great deal of change that has to happen that absolutely scares the shit out of me. The dangling sword over my head, the anxiety of unsure footing, and the fear of jumping out of the frying pan into the fire are all very real. All of this coupled with what is feeling like a futile embattlement with my creative side, wanting to go into full on creation mode, and run with every project I see fly across my timeline, and the depressed and scared side of me wanting to do nothing but lay in bed all day and cry and just pretend that everything is going to be ok. 

I blare the music as loud as I can, yet my every waking thought is WHAT IF....I've been taking 1 1/2 Xanax daily when im only supposed to take one 10mg pill for generalized anxiety, but everything feel like it is balls to the wall 100% anxiety. It was so bad a few nights ago that my pupils were dilated and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I know you're not supposed to drink alcohol when taking certain medications, I had yet to take the Xanax that evening, but I drank a rather generous glass of wine, and that seem to calm things down for a bit, and switched me from Fight or Flight mode to relax mode.

I do not know what is going on with me, and the energy around me right now, but all I do know is that im done feeling like im at the edge and all the pebbles are sliding around me.