My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

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Thursday, April 23, 2020

Working out again. Week 1

Well friends, it has come to that time. As some of you who have been with me through all my up's and down's, you know that I have struggled with weight most of my life.
It's the entire reason that I even started Hello Cupcake Its Me. Hello Cupcake It's Me was originally about my struggles with being Diabetic, Over Eating, and my Mental Health. Over the years the blog and the focus of it has changed many times. Sometimes it was only focusing on my mental health, sometimes it was just a personal diary, and other times it just kinda sat there with no activity at all.

Well I always said that I would never be 500lbs/230kg and well 2020 finds me not only knocking on the door of being 500lbs, but coming in to sit and visit. At my last doctors appointment I was 497lbs. And a few weeks later, we had the Covid-19 lockdown happen. So along with that went any little physical activities that I had done. I noticed that I had begun eating even more before the lockdown. It was like I was daring myself to see how much I could eat, and how much weight I could gain.
But in the back of my mind I knew that I had to make a change. I know its only 1 week into my workout routine, and that these musings are nothing more than hopeful words at this time, but I am really honestly going to try and keep this up. I wont lie, I hurt like hell most days, due to having arthritis, poor joints, being overly obese, and I never fully recovered my lean body muscle from when I had Diabetic Ketoacidosis.

The workouts that I have been doing are Gentle Tai Chi and doing a walking at home video called Walking Down Your Blood Sugar's  that my Diabetes Educator gave me years ago. Along with that I have been walking around the parking lot of the local park. They have a track that is 1 mile long, but currently I am not able to complete it as of yet. So I walk around the parking lot, which after 2 laps gives me about 1178 steps give or take.

I have downloaded a few apps to my phone to help me on this journey. I use to use Myfitnesspal, however, since Under Armour bought them out, they have changed and everything is now a "fee" or and advertisment which really sucked because I loved that program. So now im using Lose It for Android, Water Time, and Pedometer Step Counter. All 3 are great little programs that have paid versions too but have enough free features to make it work using. Lose It is my MyFitnessPal replacement. It has a barcode scanner so you can scan your food and get the info and get a basic idea of what you've eaten throughout the day. The paid feature allows you to track carbs and what have you, but for now just having a "point" system is all that I care about. Water Time tells me to drink water ever hour, which sounds easy but OMG its difficult with all the urination that comes along with drinking 85oz of water a day, I think the majority of my workout is getting up and running to the bathroom every 7 minutes.

But you know I am just doing the best that I can and I am praying to god that I can keep up this momentum. I really do need to make these changes. I dont want to go under the knife for gastric bypass but I really dont want to end up on My 600lb Life either. I know its going to be a long journey and a struggle. I didnt get fat over night, im not going to get healthy over night either.

FYI those links above are affiliate links to Amazon. So if you click and purchase I may get a little compensation for it.

Wish me luck guys im going to need it.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

What day is it

Well as we begin to close out week 3 of the COVID-19 Lockdown I have begun to lose track of days. I know a lot of people are saying the same thing. That they only know that its "today" and that "yesterday" they did XYZ and "tomorrow" they are doing such and such.
Its really strange being isolated this way. Like you still have some freedom, but you are looked at like some kind of parah if you leave your house, even to check the mail. The looks I get from the people passing by is kind of funny. But seriously, i'm done with this crap.
I had hoped that we would be out of quarantine on April 15th, but now they are saying its going to be May 4th. Which is an interesting date into of itself. Being a Star Wars nerd, I chuckle about the whole "May the 4th be with you" so to arbitrarily assign a "release" date especially on that day seems funny to me.

My mental health so far is okish. When I start getting to "pinned up" I will go to the grocery store and buy a few things, and then take the long way home. Im trying to be productive in my time locked to the house. But I have found that in that regard nothing has really changed. I have been trying to keep myself and my mind busy so that depression and the bipolar doesn't get out of hand. Im focusing on trying to construct a YouTube studio and have been watching a lot of videos on how to do that and how to do it on a budget. I've upped the production quality on my videos and have some gear so that I can make them look better. If you haven't checked out the channel I would suggest that you do, as there are things that I blog about that I dont make a vlog about and vise versa.

Click here to go to the YouTube Channel. 

What are you doing to keep busy during the lockdown? How are you making it through your day?

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

COVID-19 Lockdown

Day 2 into the COVID-19 lockdown and it is good-ish so far. For the most part it really hasnt affected me as my local grocery store is still open, and most of the restaurants around town are still open but for curbside orders only. But anything "fun" like going to the bar or out to the movies is a no go. Which is ok I guess, as there really isnt anything out that I want to watch right now any ways. But not going to the bar is something new for me. I dont really drink, but I have been enjoying going to the local watering hole every thursday for $0.50 chicken wings and meeting up with friends. You can feel a tension in the air. People are taking things on the chin for the most part. But you can tell that the wick is short and the powder keg is primed and ready to explode.
For several days, I have been having nightmares, and feeling like things are going to be changing in a big way and that this whole thing is just a trojan horse that is going to lead to something more sinister and permanent.

The isolation is what is the hardest to deal with. As someone who deals with depression, it is a trigger to be isolated. Its one thing when I am depressed and want to stay in bed all day, but its another thing when I am feeling "good" and wanting to go out and do all of the things, which strangely is the case right now. I can't sleep, and im restless. So I have been doing a lot of YouTube videos, and some other projects. Im thinking that I am going to end up doing some massive spring cleaning, and making a bunch of trips to the local dumpster and to the dump if its still open. I wnet out the other day and bought a large bag of cat food and I still need to get another bag or two of litter but if all else fails I can always just shovel some dirt into my cats box. But I will admit, I am worried and stressed over all of this. But aren't we all?

Stay strong guys. We'll make it through this. Right?

Saturday, March 7, 2020

Being sick as an adult sucks

Being sick as an adult sucks all the balls. When you were a kid, you kinda prayed to get sick. Being sick was like being on vacation. You got to stay home from school. Watch day time tv, which typically included The Price is Right, while eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup with crackers, and all the 7up you could stomach. Sure there were the bouts of diarrhea and throwing up. But some how it wasnt as bad as being an adult.

As an adult, you are typically missing work, which means that the ol pay check is gonna be thin, which means that the meager earnings that you do have are going to be stretched even further. And chances are, as an adult, you dont have someone waiting on you like your mother, or grandma.

So if you feel shitty, its all on you. There's only so many shows on Netflix. Most day time programing if you have cable, is just talk shows, or news. If you vomit or have an accident in bed, there are no fresh sheets already back on the bed after you get out of the shower. There's no bowl of hot soup waiting for you. If you get hungry, you have to drive yourself to the store to get the things, and come back home, make the things, and get back into bed. And for me, I get aggressively hungry and want all the foods. Especially sweets. I dont know what it is. But whenever I get sick I want sweets. Doesn't matter if its chocolate, ice cream, cereal with sugar on it, or cake, if it has a sugar content, I want to devour it.

And as an adult, you are typically running on 7 minutes of actual sleep. However, when you are home sick and want to sleep, its either not restful sleep or you are wide awake like some crack head. For this last week, I have been sick. I haven't done much outside of laying in bed, trying to sleep, or find things to watch online. I have forced myself to go outside a few times, and to even go to the store a couple of times. But just the act of getting dressed and then walking out to the car and then having to drive, and deal with people at the store is more draining than you have the energy to put out. Yet if you lay in bed another 3 minutes you are going to go crazy, so you are damn if you do and damned if you dont.

All that I do know is that whoever got me sick, I wish horrible things upon them, their family, and their loved ones. I hope their family tree rots and dies at the roots.

....that being said, I am sick and rather bitchy so IDK if I actually mean that or not. Just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Not that my life has anything grand going on in it at the moment. Just would like the option to get up and go forth should i feel the need or desire to do so.

Someone bring me soup and juice please...ill be your friend *crickets*

Monday, January 13, 2020

Saying Goodbye to Toxic People

There comes a time in your life (sometimes more than once) that you have to let go of toxic people and situations. Sometimes these toxic people are friends, sometimes they are family members, and sometimes they are co-workers.
Regardless of their role in your life, sometimes it is just best to say "hit the road Jack" and move on without them in your life. Even if they haven't "done" anything, if the thought of that person makes you cringe or just unhappy, then why keep them around. Not everyone is meant to be in your life for a lifetime. People are like trees. A tree can have a hundred thousand leaves, but with the changing of a season, they are gone. Then there are the branches. A tree could have a hundred or so branches. All of them looking strong and supportive, until you need to step out on one and it breaks away. Then you have the roots. The biggest tree in the forest may span hundreds of feet into the air, but only have 5 or 6 roots. The roots are the people who are in your life no matter what. They are what give you support and strength. They ground you. But aren't always seen. People get mixed up in life trying to make leaves and branches roots. A root will never have to prove itself to you, its just always there. Leaves come and go. These are the people in our lives that come and teach us a lesson. Weather that lesson is good or bad, we learn something from their time in our lives. Branches need to be pruned and tapered, in order to help the tree continue to grow.

Just recently, I had to terminate a friendship of over 5yrs. My friend and I had been through the gambit of life. In the story of us, at this time, I am a leaf. I could have been a root, but the timing wasn't right. They were going through somethings that I just couldn't follow them through. It wasn't because I didnt try, it was because I was being "phased out". So after some deliberation and some final words with one another, we parted ways on a friendly note.
Its hard to give up a friendship that long, but it is something that we both needed to do. We were unwittingly becoming toxic for each other, and with both our mental health being what it was/is, it was best this way.

Give yourself permission to move on. Its ok to trim the fat from your life. It may hurt, but you need to do so to move on. Doesnt matter like I said before, if it is a family member, friend, co-worker, etc. You can limit communications with these people or completely shut the door on them. I for one, being a "collector" of people, never try to burn my bridges with anyone. I like to keep on good standing with folks.
You never want to burn bridges, because you never know when you might be at rock bottom, and help is at the end of that bridge. Now that might sound like using people. And to a certain degree it may be, but we never know where help may come from when we are at our lowest.

In 2020, move past the toxicity, and allow yourself the freedom to live your life. Its ok to say no without explanation. Its ok to outgrow people and situations. Its ok to GROW.

Monday, December 23, 2019

Making Christmas Work

Well it is December 23, and as per usual I have $0.00 in the ol bank account. I have been able to get a few things for my friends and family. Albeit mostly good to excellent second hand items, I have a something for everyone this holiday season, with a gift or two in reserve just incase.

It seems like no matter how much I scrimp and save all year long that I will always be broke or extremely strapped for cash come Thanksgiving. I was able to do some Black Friday shopping this year and got a few things for people. But it seems like there is less and less budget friendly items and more big ticket items. Mind you, getting a 42' flat screen 4k UHD TV for $129 for some is a budget friendly item, but for those like yours truly, not so much. And really how many TV's can one have (As I say that I just realized that I have 4 flat screen tv's and 2 "old school" tv's and 3 of those TV's are sitting in my living room….god I'm a hoarder :( )

But I have a firm belief that you should have something to open on Christmas Morning. Even if you don't celebrate Christmas and observe some Winter Holiday that you should have something. Even if it is just a candy bar wrapped up with a bow. I've never understood IOU Christmas's. Thankfully, growing up, even though we had very little to no money most times, we never went without. It might not be new and shiny but it was still new to us.
I always get kinda self conscious whenever I am not able to do store bought items. Its like "here I found this in the trash, polished it, and thought that you might want it." And honestly it makes me not even want to do gift exchanges most times because my depression, and anxiety always flair up and I end up apologizing a lot after everything is said and done. Especially if others have spent a large amount of money on me. It makes me feel like shit. But I graciously accept the gift, put on a brave face, do the whole Merry Christmas thing, go home, and cry myself to sleep most times.

This post wasn't support to get that dark and weepy lol Im sorry. Just kinda happened. But there is only a few more days until its all over and done with and we reset the clock. And regardless of your personal holiday traditions or observances I will leave you with a very simple Happy Holiday's from me to you.

Hopefully the tears that were shed in 2019 will water the seeds sown for 2020.

Friday, December 20, 2019


Dear Lort Baby Jeebus,
    Why have I been tasked with this Herculean task of trying to get all my Alexa's back up and running after an internet outage last night? I have been working on getting my "smart house" back up and running since 1am 12/20 as of 4:19pm I have it back up to 93%. I still have 1 Alexa that refuses to connect to the network, and 3 smart plugs that will not factory reset, let alone connect back they way they are supposed to. I don't know what I have done to deserve this but I'm about ready to take a baseball bat to this house and fuck everything up.
Please grant me the serenity and knowledge to fix these issues and bring peace back into my world.


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