My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

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Sunday, August 30, 2020

Looking back to look forward


More often than not, I find myself looking back over the course of my life. I was once in a relationship with someone who said "quit looking back all the time, you are in the present now. You can't live your life in the past." Well where I understand what they were trying to say, for someone like me, who is typically a cronicaler of events, my past is what shapes my future, and what helps me to keep my focus.

Lately, I have been looking back and doing a lot of soul searching. I am constantly wondering, what would have happened if I had "made that left turn at Albuquerque?" I mainly find myself thinking about these things as I do my daily walks through the woods. It has become a physical and spiritual retreat for me. Allowing me time to pounder things, while walking for weight loss and health, and commune and connect with nature. 
It has become very metaphorical for me, while walking to associate the side paths as the directions I didnt take when I was younger. Staying on the main path as I walk, I know my beginning, middle, and end. There is a grouping of trees that I always turn around at to start the walk back to my car. However, if I was to look at that dusty old path as my life, there is no point at which I can turn back and redo things.

When I was younger (although 39 isnt that old) there were many many side paths that I could have taken. My soul was that of a Gypsy. I had a wanderlust, and a curiosity for the world that I just dont have anymore. And some of the opportunities that were "afforded" to me in my youth, are no longer there. I think of the countless times that I had the oppurtunity to move to Washington starting back at 14yrs old. What if I had just left, and went with my friends. What would my life had looked like at that point? Would I have eventually ended up here in Washington in the end anyways? But what about those people who came into my life during Jr. High and High School and even college? Our paths probably would never have crossed. But who knows who I would have met. Maybe I would have fallen in love and had a family by now? 
And I think of the decisions I made during my college years. What if I hadn't meet and fallen in love with the person I was dating in college. That I ended up dropping out of school, and living on the floor of my friends dining room just so that I could be closer to them. I think about what my life would have been like by now, should I have completed college. Would I be the English teacher that I wanted to be. Would I have gone into marketing like I always wanted to do? Or would I have fallen back on one of my many other degrees that I was pursuing at the time.

I will admit that most of my decisions were fear based. Some were logical dont get me wrong. But me leaving my family and moving to a different state. That was a huge scary step that I was going to take. I had never been more than 45 minutes to an hour from my family. But I was ready to leave them all and move 1500 miles away because I needed a change in my life. I think about that all of the time. What if I had stayed in California? Would I be living on my own? Would I have been happier? Dont get me wrong. Im pretty happy here in Washington. But my mental health also came apart once I moved here. Though I knew that I needed help back when I was living there in California. But I couldn't find it, like AT ALL!

So who knows what would have happened. But things still linger for me, sometimes on the forefront of my mind. Things that happened to me when I was 3yrs old. My first kiss. How it felt to ride naked through the desert on a motorcycle, under the light of a full moon. The hot abrasive sand between my toes. The cold damp air of a foggy morning, when I was walking to school. The anxiety I had/have going into a restroom. The hateful words people have said to me. Its funny I can remember almost every word every bullie said to me, but cant remember the kind ones that others said. Jeez thats a harsh reality check I just had. Even now that I am typing this out, im having flash backs, and memories come to me that I thought I forgot. 

I dont know what the future holds for me. And looking at how much sand has passed through the hourglass, I dont think I have much longer honestly. I dont expect to live much past 70. So the fact that im 39 now drives that home every day. The only thing that I can do is what I have done in the past, take every day step by step. Enjoy the small things, and try to overcome the bad.  To keep looking back at where I came from, and see the growth and progress of where I am now. Ever forward, never backward.

Friday, July 31, 2020

The Weightloss Journey so Far

Well I have been going at it for just over 3 months. And I am proud to say that I have stuck with it this whole time. Yeah I haven't wanted to do anything some days and havent. But I am happy to announce that as of today I am officially 37lbs lighter.

My last weigh in was 467.6, and today it was 460.6. Making it a grand total of 37lbs since I started the last week of March. When I started I was about 510lbs. I hate to even put that into writing, but well there it is. I had an emotional break down the other day when I weighed in at 467. That is the first time in YEARS that I have been that low. My typical weight was about 475-480, but I ballooned up to 510 and that is when I said enough is enough. So being down almost 40lbs is amazing. I've been killing myself trying to lose this weight, and for the longest time I saw nothing happening when I stepped on the scale. So now that im starting to see movement, its giving me hope and even more encouragement. 

I literally had a break down on the side of the road when I saw that I had lost weight and that I was at 467. Now at 460, it has only strengthened my resolve to want to do more and do better. I am still allowing myself a few cheats here and there. I have found that if I restrict my diet that I tend to fail at following through with it. So I am still eating carbs, and pasta, and dairy, chocolate, fast food and the like. But I am being smarter about the choices and amounts that im consuming.

But if you follow along with my Instagram account @michaelscottpeterson you get to see some of my daily posts about how much walking I've done, and see some of the things that I have been cooking. There is also a new Facebook Group that you can join to be more interactive. And of course you can always follow along on the YouTube channel Hello Cupcake It's Me where I post 2 - 3 times a week. 

But for now #imtrying my best to just do what I can to lose this weight. 

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July to all my American readers.
Today is one of those bitter sweet holidays for me. Growing up my father was the biggest kid of them all, with his love of BBQing and blowing stuff up.
Every year, no matter what, we would always go to the Fireworks stand and get a grandiose selection of combustibles and just wait with baited breath to light them all off. As I got older, we did less and less of them but still spent the day eating food, listening to music, and just hanging out. It was a tradition that I had hoped to pass on to my children, but I never had any. So now I just spend the holiday with friends who do have kids and watch their excitement and happiness when they get to do their fireworks. But I cant help to want a sparkler of my own every 4th.

So today, as it has become tradition for me, I am heading over to my close friends house and going to partake of mass quantities of food and merriment and celebrate what freedoms we still have.

I hope that you and yours have a blessed and safe holiday.

Thursday, June 18, 2020

This Journey

This weightloss journey is one of the hardest treks that I've been on. Why is it so hard to lose what you've gained. I think that weight is the only thing that you can not lose as fast as you've gained. Money, material possessions, etc, you can lose in an instant. Its not fair.
But I didnt become obese over night, so I cant expect to lose it over night. But its killing me to see that I am putting in so much work and not really losing any weight right now. I brought myself down from 500lbs to 476lbs. But it seems like nothing I am doing is breaking past that platu that I've hit. Maybe I need to buckle down and get really serious with myself and limit my eating even further. Instead of 2700 cals, maybe try to only do 1500 for a few weeks.
I need to also stop eating after 7pm.

I just need help.

Sunday, May 31, 2020

#sayhisname George Floyd - my thoughts

I never met the man. But his story is the same as many others. He was murdered. Plain and simple. Murdered by those who swore an oath to serve and protect. A man, died, crushed to death by another grown man. Applying lethal pressure in a submissive hold. A hold that these "peace officers" are taught from basic training not to hold a suspect in for more than a few moments. A hold that is known to kill people.

The aftermath that consumed most of the nation in violence and fiery retribution. George's death was the spark that ignited the riots and protests that happened. It started off as a protest against his killer(s). But there was so much more that was boiling under the surface. So much more that pushed the people to the breaking point.

For years the police have gone unchecked. A localized military group that operates under the guise of public servants. I am not saying that all officers are bad. I personally have family members in law enforcement that I know take their oath seriously. But there are those who should never wear the shield.

Playing Devils Advocate, I understand both sides of the preverbal coin. I understand the heartbreak of the African American Community. I understand the feeling of hopelessness and being voiceless. I understand the fear that many live in, not knowing how they are going to make things work, and constantly having authoritative figures being self serving and never turning their gaze upon the real issues that the people have, only those issues which will better serve those of means. Of living in a "class" system society even when we are not supposed to have equal rights.

I understand the justice department in needing and wanting to keep the peace. But when it is so blatantly obvious that they protect their own, and sweep the wrongs of their peers under the rug, it becomes hard to support a system that shows no support for those they are supposed to serve.
Breaking and entering, vandalizing, looting, rioting, and causing massive damage is against the law and hurts the community yes. But it is also the only language that the repress have many times. Look at all the riots of the last 40 years. Most if not all of them have been in response to Police Violence, or injustice. Sure there have been some that have been due to sporting events and other nonpolitical related events. 

I foresee a new civil war breaking out. With the current administration the tell tell signs are already there. It is quite literally history repeating itself. When the North and South fought, it divided the country in two. The Union and The Confederacy. Now its becoming apparent that it is happening again. Not for a very long time have we seen such a divide in our nation. Starting back in 2008 when the first black man was elected into the role of President. A ground breaking, historical event. We saw the sleeping dragon awaken.

For the Black Community that dragon has always been awake. But it was really the first time that caucasians saw it. People saying things like "if that n***er has a barbeque at the White House, we'll lench him". When the current administration began its run for presidency, the dragon fully awoke and spread its wings. Showing the entire populace that hate and bigotry was still running rampant in this country. Suddenly hate and intolerance had public support, and an "in your face" strength that hadn't been seen since before the Civil Rights movement. Social Media platforms became the new Speak Easy's and Soap Boxes for fanning the flames once more.

"peaceful protests are the only way..." I've heard this said several times over the course of the last week and a half at the time of writing this. But lets look at all the peaceful protesting that has happened in the past. Lets start with Dr. Martian Luther King. He and his band of followers and supporters, both white and black, joined together and marched peacefully. He tried to be peaceful. He tried to be diplomatic.

Floyd McKissick, director of the Congress of Racial Equality, tried to come to terms with King’s death and its meaning for the broader civil rights movement.
“Nonviolence is a dead philosophy and it was not the black people that killed it,” he told a reporter from the New York Times the night of the assassination. “It was the white people that killed nonviolence and white racists at that.” - https://www.history.com/news/mlk-assassination-riots-occupation 

Those riots and protests lasted almost a full year in the very same cities that we are finding civil unrest now. The American People can not live with the "one rule for me and tree rules for thee"  governance that has steadily become the norm. Its not until the people band together under a common banner that they are heard. There are many right this very moment that are not seeing the bigger picture and only seeing the violence and destruction that is happening as mindless chaos, and not the underlying meaning of what is taking root and trying desperately to grow. But it is those in power who think they are above the laws that they swore to uphold and protect. Blind faith in those of a position of power and not in the right or wrong aspects of things. We all make a choice as what to do and when to do it.

Malcolm X, same situation, same result. Yes he was more "militant" but the message was the same. Rodney King, beaten, battered and assaulted. Trayvon Martin, killed for walking down the street and refusing to talk to George Zimmerman. Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the National Anthem in a silent protest, resulting in him losing his position and many corporate sponsorships.

I am neutral in all of this. I understand both sides of the coin. However, I am more favorable toward the peoples side in this case. Police officers use to be wholesome. They were the good guys. They were not feared. Now, people rather deal with crime in their own ways, rather than call upon those whose jobs were to serve and protect, because more often than not, those enforcers kill, mame, or otherwise injure and make the situations worse.

#sayhisname and in doing so, send blessings to his loved ones. That their pain is eased, and that justice isn't blind, and that good, positive, lasting changes are made.

Thursday, April 23, 2020

Working out again. Week 1

Well friends, it has come to that time. As some of you who have been with me through all my up's and down's, you know that I have struggled with weight most of my life.
It's the entire reason that I even started Hello Cupcake Its Me. Hello Cupcake It's Me was originally about my struggles with being Diabetic, Over Eating, and my Mental Health. Over the years the blog and the focus of it has changed many times. Sometimes it was only focusing on my mental health, sometimes it was just a personal diary, and other times it just kinda sat there with no activity at all.

Well I always said that I would never be 500lbs/230kg and well 2020 finds me not only knocking on the door of being 500lbs, but coming in to sit and visit. At my last doctors appointment I was 497lbs. And a few weeks later, we had the Covid-19 lockdown happen. So along with that went any little physical activities that I had done. I noticed that I had begun eating even more before the lockdown. It was like I was daring myself to see how much I could eat, and how much weight I could gain.
But in the back of my mind I knew that I had to make a change. I know its only 1 week into my workout routine, and that these musings are nothing more than hopeful words at this time, but I am really honestly going to try and keep this up. I wont lie, I hurt like hell most days, due to having arthritis, poor joints, being overly obese, and I never fully recovered my lean body muscle from when I had Diabetic Ketoacidosis.

The workouts that I have been doing are Gentle Tai Chi and doing a walking at home video called Walking Down Your Blood Sugar's  that my Diabetes Educator gave me years ago. Along with that I have been walking around the parking lot of the local park. They have a track that is 1 mile long, but currently I am not able to complete it as of yet. So I walk around the parking lot, which after 2 laps gives me about 1178 steps give or take.

I have downloaded a few apps to my phone to help me on this journey. I use to use Myfitnesspal, however, since Under Armour bought them out, they have changed and everything is now a "fee" or and advertisment which really sucked because I loved that program. So now im using Lose It for Android, Water Time, and Pedometer Step Counter. All 3 are great little programs that have paid versions too but have enough free features to make it work using. Lose It is my MyFitnessPal replacement. It has a barcode scanner so you can scan your food and get the info and get a basic idea of what you've eaten throughout the day. The paid feature allows you to track carbs and what have you, but for now just having a "point" system is all that I care about. Water Time tells me to drink water ever hour, which sounds easy but OMG its difficult with all the urination that comes along with drinking 85oz of water a day, I think the majority of my workout is getting up and running to the bathroom every 7 minutes.

But you know I am just doing the best that I can and I am praying to god that I can keep up this momentum. I really do need to make these changes. I dont want to go under the knife for gastric bypass but I really dont want to end up on My 600lb Life either. I know its going to be a long journey and a struggle. I didnt get fat over night, im not going to get healthy over night either.

FYI those links above are affiliate links to Amazon. So if you click and purchase I may get a little compensation for it.

Wish me luck guys im going to need it.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

What day is it

Well as we begin to close out week 3 of the COVID-19 Lockdown I have begun to lose track of days. I know a lot of people are saying the same thing. That they only know that its "today" and that "yesterday" they did XYZ and "tomorrow" they are doing such and such.
Its really strange being isolated this way. Like you still have some freedom, but you are looked at like some kind of parah if you leave your house, even to check the mail. The looks I get from the people passing by is kind of funny. But seriously, i'm done with this crap.
I had hoped that we would be out of quarantine on April 15th, but now they are saying its going to be May 4th. Which is an interesting date into of itself. Being a Star Wars nerd, I chuckle about the whole "May the 4th be with you" so to arbitrarily assign a "release" date especially on that day seems funny to me.

My mental health so far is okish. When I start getting to "pinned up" I will go to the grocery store and buy a few things, and then take the long way home. Im trying to be productive in my time locked to the house. But I have found that in that regard nothing has really changed. I have been trying to keep myself and my mind busy so that depression and the bipolar doesn't get out of hand. Im focusing on trying to construct a YouTube studio and have been watching a lot of videos on how to do that and how to do it on a budget. I've upped the production quality on my videos and have some gear so that I can make them look better. If you haven't checked out the channel I would suggest that you do, as there are things that I blog about that I dont make a vlog about and vise versa.

Click here to go to the YouTube Channel. 

What are you doing to keep busy during the lockdown? How are you making it through your day?

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