My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Helping someone grieve

Recently there has been a lot of death in my life. First, I found out that a friend/ex-roommate of mine committed suicide. Then, a friend of mine has a son, whose best friend passed from a brain tumor at the age of 11. Then my other friend, found her mother in law dead this morning. I have been trying to help my friends cope and deal with the loss in their lives. My friend "Stacy" (name withheld) has been the hardest to help. Her son, only 11 or 12 himself, is having to deal with the loss of a friend and someone who he had a special relationship with, has been the toughest. Death is never easy at any age. But to try and help a child, who is suffering and hurting past the point of a kiss and hug to fix is something completely different.
I never experienced death or loss as a child. It wasn't until I was 14 that I had experienced it first hand, with the passing of my Grandfather ( Dad's side) and Grandmother (on my biological mothers side) that I had ever attended a funeral. In my family, your emotions were to be put to the side. You weren't really "allowed" to be sad for any period of time, outside of the first week or so of the loss.

Being Bipolar, I think really kept me from processing the emotions the way that I should. As a friend I just offer my shoulder to cry on, and a listening ear. I try to take into consideration that who ever is talking to me during their time of need. They only needs me as a sounding board, nothing else.
I feel like a hallow monster though, because as much as my heart is breaking for that person, I sit there stone faced and many times emotionless just so the other person feels ok, when inside im torn up.
My walling things up only to have them hit me full force later, has been the bane of my existence. I teared up talking with Stacy, about the pain and suffering that she is going through on behalf of her son's pain. Telling someone who is baring their heart and hurting soul to you, that everything is going to be ok, is like adding gas to fire. We all know its going to be "ok" but saying it seems to be the only response that we are able to give when words fail us. My heart is breaking for Stacy and her family, as they are having to deal with this.

Selfishly though, I am trying not to put to much of my own emotion into this time, as I know it would drag me into my depression even deeper and dredge up some old memories that I am able to hide away. Because I too can lament about the losses in my life. The pain of absents, and the feeling of loneliness afterwards. All I can do is hope and pray to whatever god is listening, that the hearts of those who are suffering from loss right now, can be eased and heald quickly.

Take time to take stock of the people in your life. Forgive them of what you can. Let them know that you love them, while you can. Say the words that you hold yourself back from saying, because tomorrow may be to late.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

My first blog post of 2018

2018....God damn where has the time gone? You know I can still remember writing 1994. For whatever reason when I think of 1994 I am automatically sent back to my Freshman year of High School. I was sitting in English class. We were writing a paper about something we just read.  I have no clue as to why that memory is etched into my head but well it is.

So 2017 was a year of tremendous ups and downs. My relationship of almost a year and a half came to an end in June. Had a lot of fun with my friends out at the lake. Saw a lot of great movies. Did some traveling. Took the train down to Portland, OR. Got 2 cars. One of my cats passed. Made new friends, said goodbye to others. Lost 2 Uncles. Watched my niece take her first steps into the adult world, by starting College while she is still in High School. Had some new health problems. Gotten closer with some of my friends.  Reconnected with others. Closed out some chapters in my book that had been opened for way to long.  So yeah here I am in 2018, somewhat "newer" somewhat "wiser" and somewhat "happier", even though my depression has all but kicked me in the balls over the last 4 months. Things could be (and have been) worse.

At the time of typing this, I have the probability of a new relationship forming. However, I dont know exactly how it is going to pan out. I am just enjoying the flirtation, and the texting. I kinda let the ball drop on trying to get my YouTube viewership and subscribers up. But I just uploaded my first video of 2019. For a while there I was doing 2 videos a week, but I think im going to try for at least 1 a week and see how that works out. I still have a lot of things that I need to do before getting it all set up the way that I want it to be, but hey everything in moderation right?

I also have joined the land of AI (artificial intelligence) in the home by getting 2 Amazon Echo Dot's (aka Alexa) for christmas. Its so cool and weird at the same time to have your home automated by a disembodied voice that harkens to your commands. But at the same time the nerdy geek in me is pissing himself with joy. So yeah right now she controls the lights in my house, and the security cameras. I have her linked up to my family GPS so I get updates on the family whenever they leave their house, get to work/school, and when they arrive at the store. I know it sounds intrusive on my part, but they all have the same app and can see what I do too. I just have Alexa that announces it to me.

I am still collecting Funko Pop (my personal website dedicated to them) and my collection is almost worth $1,000 and I have right now 103 pieces with another 3 on the way and picking up 2 more in a few days. Which with the addition of these 5 my collection should be worth just over 1k. I am always on the look out for new guys that I dont have. This Bob Ross is one that I actually have, but I used a stock image from Google because I didnt want to unbox mine and take a picture.

Health wise (since I mentioned it above) I am "ok". I just recently fucked up my neck and it has been giving me killer migraines. So much so that I seriously thought about suicide just to not have to fee the pain any more. I spent an entire weekend in and out of the ER right after Christmas, and a full day admitted into the Hospital. They still have no clue wtf I did or how to fix it. So they keep pumping me full of pills and sending me to physical therapy. I dont mind the PT because 1.) the therapist is good looking (shallow i know) and 2.) I get a full 1hr deep tissue message out of it. Life could be worse. Well it has been let me tell you that migraine is no damn joke. I've had 3rd Degree Burns and this hurt worse. My Diabetes is getting better thanks to the insulin pump (even though I have a love hate relationship with the damn thing.) I was also placed on a CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitor). But something is wrong with it, so I am going to wait until my next visit to get it fixed.

So there you have it. The good, the bad, the worse. So for now I am going to wrap this up. Remember if you have something that you would like for me to check out, or just want to say hi, send me an email to hellocupcakeitsme@gmail.com and make sure to visit and subscribe to the YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/hellocupcakeitsme

Friday, December 1, 2017

Wasn't trying to be a hero

So last night I was on Facebook when I saw a thing about a young autistic boy who had gone missing from my area. Something in me said that I should go out and look for him, and that even if I didn't find him at least it would be a good time of night to go for a drive. Living in an area where there's a lot of woods and Wildlife another dangers, I just thought of my niece I would hope that someone totally unrelated to my family or friends would take the time out of their day to go look for her. I had read a couple of the comments on the post related to the boy being missing since 5:30 p.m. and learned his name from those posts. So I grabbed what flashlights I had hopped in my car, said a prayer, and took off. I went to one of my favorite beaches thinking that the kid might be there. I begin calling out his name, and thought that I heard someone yell back about 1/4 of a mile up from where I was. So I drove it's fast as I could I'm pulled over about 1/4 of a mile up and start calling his name again. This time almost clears day I heard a frail little voice yell back "I'm down here, I'm hurt, and I can't move my leg". I assured him that I was there to help him and that I was going to call and let the police know that I had found him that his mom and dad were very scared and that there was a bunch of people out looking for him. I called 911 and told the dispatcher where I was and gave all my information. A few moments later guy from search and rescue one County over had come up to help his girlfriend look for the boy and I flagged him down and pointed out where the kid was. They played Marco Polo, one to keep the kid calm and two to help him find where he was located. Be in the middle of the night and in a very secluded area, there was almost no light. Part of the joys and curses of living in the country. I'm just glad that I listen to my inner voice and took the initiative and the time to get my car and actually go out and look for him. I wasn't sure if I was going to find him but there was something in me that just said that I needed to go and look. I'm glad that I did because the story could have had a much different ending. So Good Deeds being done, a family gets to stay whole and happy this holiday season.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving

Regardless of where you are in the world, what religion, or beliefs you have. I would like to wish you, your family, and loved one's peace and wellness. May you find health, happiness and blessings.

Thanks for being a reader.

Hello Cupcake It's Me

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Halloween Fun and Adventures

 Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. The thought of what kind of monster or ghoul I could do myself up as, and all the tons of candy that I would get. Growing up in the 80's and 90's places like KMart, GemCo, Target, and Walmart would be halloween central.

You could find everything that you needed to make the most amazing costumes ever. Now days you are hard pressed to find anything. It seems like since the late 90's mid 2000's everything kinda shifted from Scary to Cute or Slutty. Halloween isnt about cute and slutty, its about creepy, scary, bloody. So this year I put my costume together.

The only thing that was store bought was my top hat. I got it at Goodwill already decked out. My costume was built around it. I had never done a voodoo witch doctor, and thought that it would be fun, because you always see "skeletons" but never anything above and beyond that. So I began working almost around the clock to get my stuff together. I had this old black vest (which I honestly have no idea where it came from...i think it might have been my dads before he passed), some random animal print, clay, a walking stick, and a paper skull. I knew that I wanted to look as authentic as possible.

So I began dusting off my old fashion design skills and got really creative. I pieced together my vest by making the animal print panels for it. I hot glued them in place so I didnt ruin the vest by sewing them on. Then I turned my attentions to my staff.
I had seen a few YouTube videos months prior showing how to make Halloween props and so I took that knowledge and made this beauty. Its just melted plastic bags, tissue, and paint. The hair is from a kids dress up headband that I got from the DollarTree and the paint I had on hand. Melting and getting it to stay in place while not burning the shit out of my hands was the "fun" part. I was using a heat gun which the lowest setting is 500 degrees and the highest is 1500.

Then it was just a matter of making the painting of it all look like old, decaying skin. I used Brown, yellow, orange, grey, and an almost mustard color to achieve the effect. Using the heat gun to dry the paint, gave it a dried out, rotting flesh color.
All night long when I was out with my friends at a local bar for their Halloween Costume party, everyone kept remarking on my staff. One lady actually tried to take it from me. I honestly didnt think that it was that "amazing" but now looking at it, it totally is LOL. The whole night out with my friends was just good times. I ended up winning Most Creative (which I was surprised) and getting a copy of Poltergeist on Bluray as my prize.

 Growing up I never won any prizes or competitions like that, so it was kind of nice to have done so. A few weeks prior to this I was suffering from crippling depression. I didnt want to even be around myself, and seriously didnt know if I was going to be able to go on much longer. So going out, and having fun with my friends was MUCH NEEDED.

Now that Halloween is over with, we are moving into Thanksgiving and then Christmas. I still have no idea what i'm doing for Christmas this year. Every year I try to make one item, buy one item. So this years make I have yet to figure out. But im sure no matter what it is, my friends and family will love it.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Dexcom G4/G5 Patches

So I know its been forever since I posted anything related to my diabetes. Well after years of fighting to get a Continuous Glucose Monitor I was finally able to get one. I was placed on the Dexcom G5.
Its been nice not having to prick my finger every 2 hours or so. But it has also presented me with quite a few new challenges. Much like my pump, there are adhesives that hold the CGM in place. So for someone with super oily skin and sweat prone, that means they tend to fall off pretty frequently, especially in the summer months.

I have tried a lot of different items. I even tried super glue at one point (no im not joking.) I had one of my G5 sensors peel right off one day only minutes after applying it, no stick left on it. So I was at my wits end when I started looking for some solution to keep my G5 from coming out. Thats when I found these sensor adhesives. Yeah Im a guy, and yeah these are in pretty girly colors and flower shaped, but you know what I dont care. If it means that I dont lose my $1500 transponder then im happy. My friends kinda ribbed me about them at first, but after I explained what was going on they all agreed that it really didnt matter. Since having ordered these, I've found that they do have other shapes/designs, but at the time this is all I could find in my price range.
They work amazingly well. I first introduced my friends and family to them when we all went out to the lake and I had a pink and white camo one on.
I can typically shower 2 times before they wear off and begin to peel. So about the time 1 week has passed they are "wilted" and ready to be removed.
Ive heard that people can get almost 3 weeks out of them, but im lucky to get the full week.

I just wanted to share them with you, incase you were having similar problems with keeping your G5 or other CGM in place. They have them for pump sites too.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right A B Start

So as of late, since my break up really, things have been pretty good. I have had little bouts of depression here and there but for the most part have been pretty "good". I have made a few new friends. Been more social. Been invited to join in a spiritual outing with like minded folks, my general overall luck feels for the most part to have changed for the better. My humble collection of #FunkoPop has grown to more of an obsession at this point check out my website that I made for it My Funko Pop Life
But there are still some things that havent changed. I still try to help others only to get dumped on. I try to show others that I care about them, only to get dirt kicked in my face. I try to be a "good person" only to basically be made to feel like my efforts are for not. But hey it could be worse right? It seems like no matter what I do I cant ever seem to balance the scales. So at this point I think im going to quit trying. I mean really all it does is cause me to do this vicious dance. I feel like Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle
You know, especially if you follow me on YouTube (which you should click the link so you could) you know that I dont have much, nor do I pretend to, or really want to. So when I get something for someone, especially if it is really cool, or something that they need or want, the only thing I really "expect" is at the very least a "Hey thank you for that" or something small like that. I dont expect a ticker tape parade, or a monument erected to me, etc.
I dont do things for people for over the top praise, or for any recognition outside of a informal "thank you", and I sure as hell dont do it to loom it over their head, or in hopes of getting something in return. I do for others because I can. Because it makes me feel good to help them, or get them something special/nice, when and if I can. I am a giver by nature. I like to give gifts. I like to bring little blessings into peoples lives. It might be something stupid as a heart drawn on a rock, or something grand, but its genuinely done with love in my heart. So when I do something for someone and its basically slapped away, it kinda stings and makes me think "why should I continue to do for this person?" But then there is that BDSM side of me that will come crawling back a few days later like a hungry dog looking for its masters scraps.

So yeah I just needed to bitch and get some of this off my chest. Im not feeling 100% better but meh, it is what it is i guess. As for the title of this post...i couldnt think of anything so I put the Konami Code lol

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