My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

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Tuesday, March 17, 2020

COVID-19 Lockdown

Day 2 into the COVID-19 lockdown and it is good-ish so far. For the most part it really hasnt affected me as my local grocery store is still open, and most of the restaurants around town are still open but for curbside orders only. But anything "fun" like going to the bar or out to the movies is a no go. Which is ok I guess, as there really isnt anything out that I want to watch right now any ways. But not going to the bar is something new for me. I dont really drink, but I have been enjoying going to the local watering hole every thursday for $0.50 chicken wings and meeting up with friends. You can feel a tension in the air. People are taking things on the chin for the most part. But you can tell that the wick is short and the powder keg is primed and ready to explode.
For several days, I have been having nightmares, and feeling like things are going to be changing in a big way and that this whole thing is just a trojan horse that is going to lead to something more sinister and permanent.

The isolation is what is the hardest to deal with. As someone who deals with depression, it is a trigger to be isolated. Its one thing when I am depressed and want to stay in bed all day, but its another thing when I am feeling "good" and wanting to go out and do all of the things, which strangely is the case right now. I can't sleep, and im restless. So I have been doing a lot of YouTube videos, and some other projects. Im thinking that I am going to end up doing some massive spring cleaning, and making a bunch of trips to the local dumpster and to the dump if its still open. I wnet out the other day and bought a large bag of cat food and I still need to get another bag or two of litter but if all else fails I can always just shovel some dirt into my cats box. But I will admit, I am worried and stressed over all of this. But aren't we all?

Stay strong guys. We'll make it through this. Right?

Saturday, March 7, 2020

Being sick as an adult sucks

Being sick as an adult sucks all the balls. When you were a kid, you kinda prayed to get sick. Being sick was like being on vacation. You got to stay home from school. Watch day time tv, which typically included The Price is Right, while eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup with crackers, and all the 7up you could stomach. Sure there were the bouts of diarrhea and throwing up. But some how it wasnt as bad as being an adult.

As an adult, you are typically missing work, which means that the ol pay check is gonna be thin, which means that the meager earnings that you do have are going to be stretched even further. And chances are, as an adult, you dont have someone waiting on you like your mother, or grandma.

So if you feel shitty, its all on you. There's only so many shows on Netflix. Most day time programing if you have cable, is just talk shows, or news. If you vomit or have an accident in bed, there are no fresh sheets already back on the bed after you get out of the shower. There's no bowl of hot soup waiting for you. If you get hungry, you have to drive yourself to the store to get the things, and come back home, make the things, and get back into bed. And for me, I get aggressively hungry and want all the foods. Especially sweets. I dont know what it is. But whenever I get sick I want sweets. Doesn't matter if its chocolate, ice cream, cereal with sugar on it, or cake, if it has a sugar content, I want to devour it.

And as an adult, you are typically running on 7 minutes of actual sleep. However, when you are home sick and want to sleep, its either not restful sleep or you are wide awake like some crack head. For this last week, I have been sick. I haven't done much outside of laying in bed, trying to sleep, or find things to watch online. I have forced myself to go outside a few times, and to even go to the store a couple of times. But just the act of getting dressed and then walking out to the car and then having to drive, and deal with people at the store is more draining than you have the energy to put out. Yet if you lay in bed another 3 minutes you are going to go crazy, so you are damn if you do and damned if you dont.

All that I do know is that whoever got me sick, I wish horrible things upon them, their family, and their loved ones. I hope their family tree rots and dies at the roots.

....that being said, I am sick and rather bitchy so IDK if I actually mean that or not. Just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Not that my life has anything grand going on in it at the moment. Just would like the option to get up and go forth should i feel the need or desire to do so.

Someone bring me soup and juice please...ill be your friend *crickets*

Monday, January 13, 2020

Saying Goodbye to Toxic People

There comes a time in your life (sometimes more than once) that you have to let go of toxic people and situations. Sometimes these toxic people are friends, sometimes they are family members, and sometimes they are co-workers.
Regardless of their role in your life, sometimes it is just best to say "hit the road Jack" and move on without them in your life. Even if they haven't "done" anything, if the thought of that person makes you cringe or just unhappy, then why keep them around. Not everyone is meant to be in your life for a lifetime. People are like trees. A tree can have a hundred thousand leaves, but with the changing of a season, they are gone. Then there are the branches. A tree could have a hundred or so branches. All of them looking strong and supportive, until you need to step out on one and it breaks away. Then you have the roots. The biggest tree in the forest may span hundreds of feet into the air, but only have 5 or 6 roots. The roots are the people who are in your life no matter what. They are what give you support and strength. They ground you. But aren't always seen. People get mixed up in life trying to make leaves and branches roots. A root will never have to prove itself to you, its just always there. Leaves come and go. These are the people in our lives that come and teach us a lesson. Weather that lesson is good or bad, we learn something from their time in our lives. Branches need to be pruned and tapered, in order to help the tree continue to grow.

Just recently, I had to terminate a friendship of over 5yrs. My friend and I had been through the gambit of life. In the story of us, at this time, I am a leaf. I could have been a root, but the timing wasn't right. They were going through somethings that I just couldn't follow them through. It wasn't because I didnt try, it was because I was being "phased out". So after some deliberation and some final words with one another, we parted ways on a friendly note.
Its hard to give up a friendship that long, but it is something that we both needed to do. We were unwittingly becoming toxic for each other, and with both our mental health being what it was/is, it was best this way.

Give yourself permission to move on. Its ok to trim the fat from your life. It may hurt, but you need to do so to move on. Doesnt matter like I said before, if it is a family member, friend, co-worker, etc. You can limit communications with these people or completely shut the door on them. I for one, being a "collector" of people, never try to burn my bridges with anyone. I like to keep on good standing with folks.
You never want to burn bridges, because you never know when you might be at rock bottom, and help is at the end of that bridge. Now that might sound like using people. And to a certain degree it may be, but we never know where help may come from when we are at our lowest.

In 2020, move past the toxicity, and allow yourself the freedom to live your life. Its ok to say no without explanation. Its ok to outgrow people and situations. Its ok to GROW.

Monday, December 23, 2019

Making Christmas Work

Well it is December 23, and as per usual I have $0.00 in the ol bank account. I have been able to get a few things for my friends and family. Albeit mostly good to excellent second hand items, I have a something for everyone this holiday season, with a gift or two in reserve just incase.

It seems like no matter how much I scrimp and save all year long that I will always be broke or extremely strapped for cash come Thanksgiving. I was able to do some Black Friday shopping this year and got a few things for people. But it seems like there is less and less budget friendly items and more big ticket items. Mind you, getting a 42' flat screen 4k UHD TV for $129 for some is a budget friendly item, but for those like yours truly, not so much. And really how many TV's can one have (As I say that I just realized that I have 4 flat screen tv's and 2 "old school" tv's and 3 of those TV's are sitting in my living room….god I'm a hoarder :( )

But I have a firm belief that you should have something to open on Christmas Morning. Even if you don't celebrate Christmas and observe some Winter Holiday that you should have something. Even if it is just a candy bar wrapped up with a bow. I've never understood IOU Christmas's. Thankfully, growing up, even though we had very little to no money most times, we never went without. It might not be new and shiny but it was still new to us.
I always get kinda self conscious whenever I am not able to do store bought items. Its like "here I found this in the trash, polished it, and thought that you might want it." And honestly it makes me not even want to do gift exchanges most times because my depression, and anxiety always flair up and I end up apologizing a lot after everything is said and done. Especially if others have spent a large amount of money on me. It makes me feel like shit. But I graciously accept the gift, put on a brave face, do the whole Merry Christmas thing, go home, and cry myself to sleep most times.

This post wasn't support to get that dark and weepy lol Im sorry. Just kinda happened. But there is only a few more days until its all over and done with and we reset the clock. And regardless of your personal holiday traditions or observances I will leave you with a very simple Happy Holiday's from me to you.

Hopefully the tears that were shed in 2019 will water the seeds sown for 2020.

Friday, December 20, 2019


Dear Lort Baby Jeebus,
    Why have I been tasked with this Herculean task of trying to get all my Alexa's back up and running after an internet outage last night? I have been working on getting my "smart house" back up and running since 1am 12/20 as of 4:19pm I have it back up to 93%. I still have 1 Alexa that refuses to connect to the network, and 3 smart plugs that will not factory reset, let alone connect back they way they are supposed to. I don't know what I have done to deserve this but I'm about ready to take a baseball bat to this house and fuck everything up.
Please grant me the serenity and knowledge to fix these issues and bring peace back into my world.


Friday, December 6, 2019

The Holidays and stuff

This is going to be a long ranting post just to let you know now dear reader. At the time of writing this it is Friday December 6th at 12:38am. I am extremely restless tonight. I am still buzzing with the thoughts and emotions that have overcome me the last few days. I havent been depressed or anything, actually just the opposite. I have been in a fairly decent mood. Somewhat happy. But also very annoyed and easily to anger.

I know that a lot of my anger comes from the fact that I am constantly trying to help people and it seems like it is a waste of time because no matter what I seem to do, or say, or suggest, that people do the complete opposite. I know that we all have free will and that we all have our own lives to lead, and that there are some people who cant take being told what to do even if it would save them.
If you have been following along on the YouTube channel as of late, you will see that I have been struggling with my friend, and trying to be supportive and help her along her never ending quest to find "happiness".
Over the past 2 years, she has been trying to find a house or different housing because she doesn't like the place that she is in and finds faults with it at every turn of the corner basically. At first she moved into the place thinking that it was going to be some salvation or some kind of "grass is greener" type of situation. But it turned out (so to here her talk about it) to be false advertisement and that the grass was dead and only spray painted green.

Her latest endeavors into finding the Goldy Locks of all housing has lead to this almost delusional, detached from reality, blindness for a lack of better word. She was presented with a beautiful new place in a different city a good 25-30 miles from where we currently live. It checked all the boxes. Was clean, in a nice neighborhood, quite neighbors, down the street from a beautiful public park, only a block away from a grocery store, and 2 miles from Walmart. Everything was perfect. The owners of the place, accepted that she is a low income person. Accepted that she has section 8, and that she has a cat. They were even going to allow her to do payments on the move in costs of first, last, and security deposit.
Literally the minute she left the meeting with the owners, and sat in my car for not even a minute talking about how blessed she was feeling and how she loved the place etc, she gets the call from another property that she had been looking at and instantly started to second guess herself about everything and pretty much shifted all of her energies into this other place. Talking about how it is a gift from the universe and how its going to be perfect, etc. Well I honestly believe that it isn't going to be the Golden Goose that she thinks that it is. Already there are issues that I will get to in a moment.

She is constantly complaining about wanting to get out of the area that we live in. And how her car is old and how she hates having to drive some 45 minutes to the nearest Walmart, and things like that. She began back peddling once she found out about this other place that is closer to where I live. She began making every excuse in the book, and basically talked herself out of it and is now pouring herself into getting this other place. SO, this other place, the lady who is currently living there was supposed to be out on 11/30. Before my friend can move in, the lady has to leave, and the owners have to go through and clean the property.

Then the place has to be inspected by the Housing Authority. Then and only then, if they Housing Authority approves it, can she then move in. Well the lady who is living there didnt vacate on November 30th like she was originally scheduled to do. It wasn't until today, that my friend found out that the lady was still there, and that the owners knew about it. Now, for about 3 weeks (maybe more because honestly at this point it could be longer i've lost all track) she has been going around telling people that she is moving, and collecting boxes, packing, going out and getting a Post Office Box, changing her address, telling her current landlord she is moving and when she is going to be vacating her apartment, and trying to make plans to get people to come together and help her move. ALL WITHOUT EVEN HAVING ANYTHING CHISELED IN STONE!

She sends me a text message a few days ago asking if I could assist her in moving. She wanted to start taking boxes over to the new place and what have you on the 21st of December. And then planned on moving in fully on the 28th of December. I told her that I would attempt to be available to her, but that I was not sure what was going on in my life, and with that falling on a Saturday, just a few days before Christmas that I wasn't going to agree to anything. And then I also made mention that she is going to be hard pressed to get anyone to help on the 28th since that is not only after Christmas, but during the times that most people are out of town or have friends and family from out of town visiting.
That it is rude to even ask or assume that people would rally together to help during the one time of year that most families get together to visit with one another. She didnt seem to grasp this concept as she really has no family of her own since her husband passed several years ago. So I am looking at all of these things logically, and trying to get her to understand that it may now pan out the way that she wants it to, and even then, there are so many factors that she is turning a serious blind eye to. If the house isnt approved then I dont know what she is going to do.
But anyways, I have been dealing with this dullisonal rollercoaster for far to long. I honestly hope that it all works out for her, I really truly do. But I dont think that its going to take place when she thinks it is, if it even is.

So enough about that subject. Next on the list (lol I told you it was going to be a long post) is just the freaking holidays. I thought that I had everything clear, and in place to get the presents and things that I wanted for people and what have you and I dont. I am seriously stressing over getting my sister a gift. I have it all picked out, just dont know how to make the financing work. Typical story of my damn life. My niece, I have no idea what I am doing for her. She is so damn hard to shop for. Everything has to be vegan, fair traded, ethically sourced, and eco conscious etc. So she may get a reusable shopping bag or something lol. But seriously, I think i'm going to put together a tea set, with her favorite mint tea and maybe a nice tea cup.

I have a few things settled for my friends (or at least the main tribe) And I still need to figure out what I am going to do for my mom. Last year my aunt knitted me some fingerless gloves, but they are way to small for me, and I think that they are in a style and color scheme that she would like. So I am probably going to send those to her, and hopefully a new set of bathmats. She will tell me "dont get me anything" yet send me something. And even though I dont have much money (typically ever) I do like to try to do a little token of my affections and get people a little something. I think that everyone should have something to open. So for now its just a matter of finding the money for my sisters gift, and getting my mom taken care of.
And I am stressing because if I juggle my finances around, Ill be paying for one of the items for about 3 months. But I am sure whatever higher power there is will sort me out, or it wont.

In addition to all of this. My biological mother (AKA The Egg Donor or ED for short) told me that her boyfriend of almost 20yrs just passed away. And now she is stuck trying to figure out how to live without his income coming in and all this other stuff. I am not worried about her, because she is one of those people who can turn any situation around and make it work for them. She always typically lands on her feet. Its almost supernatural how things seem to just happen for her. Though I guess in that regard I inherited that from her too. But any normal son would want to rush to her and comfort her. But well we dont have the normal relationship that would allow for such a thing to take place. We function more like straind friends than mother son.

I consider my step mother my actual mother. In the 20 some odd years that she has been in my life she has done more for me, and stepped up to make me hers, than the whole 38 years Ive been my egg donors son. My mom is always there for me. Always supporting me. Giving me words of encouragement, and showing me unconditional love. ED, is manipulative, self serving, and not really "mother" material. But I dont fault her much.

I've learned a long time ago that hating her is not ever going to accomplish anything. And who knows. Maybe when she is gone I may feel differently about her and the relationship we never had. But for now I just keep her at arm's length. Sometimes that arm is holding a broom, attached to a pole, but still.

So yeah things are really just out of whack for me right now. But this too shall pass, albeit like a kidney stone, it will pass....right/

Monday, September 23, 2019

Fuck Depression

This picture accompanying my post is how I felt the last few weeks. My damn depression and bipolar was off the freaking hook. Last time I posted (8.21.19) I posted about being a bipolar monster. Well shortly after that, my depression kicked in like a motherf**ker.
And to compound the whole experience, I had situational depression and bipolar triggers that have been happening on top of that.

Now any of you who have followed my adventures through life on this blog or on the Youtube Channel know the struggles I have with my housing, making ends meet (I know that this struggle isnt unique to me alone), and with my mental as well as physical health.
Well part of my mental health issues revolve around PTSD and part of that PTSD is fear of being homeless. The reason I mention this is because one of the triggers that sent me deeper into the rabbit hole of "dear god just end me now" was that my kitchen sink broke. I knew that one side of the sink leaked and so I never used it. But I had no idea that the other side had started leaking. You are probably thinking "well Michael why didnt you just call your landlord?" Well any normal well adjusted person would have. But part of my phobia and anxiety is that my landlord will come into the house, see the problem that I called him for, and kick me out. I was raised "fearing" when the landlord came over. The air in the house would get thick, and stress levels went up. To which, being a kid, others anxieties were usually taken out on me in the form of yelling at me to "get out of the way" or "go to your room". Even though 10 times out of 10 it wasn't my fault, I carried that fear into my adult life.

Having to talk to any "authority" figure is difficult for me, unless we are the same age or within the same age range. But if they are older than me, say like 50 or 60+ then its a different ball game. I do not associate people who are my age as "adults". Its weird. Like they can be married with children, and I will still see them as kids. I dont know if that is because my Grandparents had a huge hand in raising me up, or if it is part of my long list of disorders and syndromes. Either way I do not think of people who are my age (38 at the time of writing this) or younger adults.
I see myself as 15yrs old mentally. I can relate to teens easier than I can adults and my peers. I feel the same now as I did then, just with a few extra "city miles" on the odometer. I've never really told anyone this (outside of my therapist) because I can't fully articulate it in a way that would make sense to my friends and family. When I have tired to talk to my family about it, it has been met with ridicule, so theres a lot that I dont disclose to most people.

But its been one of those things as of late, that people as me "hey how are you?" And mentally im screaming in pain and suffering in silence and want to burst into tears and just open a vein and tell them everything. Every dark secret, every dark thought, everything that I am feeling. But I put that side of myself in the corner and joke with them like I do whenever something bad, negative, or upsetting happens. I use laughter and comedy as forms of self defense. I have no idea where I picked this survival method up at, only that I use it more often than not. In school, I was bullied, A LOT. I was always considered the weird kid, the unpopular kid, the stupid kid, (insert other kids being dick phrases). People use to talk shit about me and to me. "You are so fat, you use the equator as a belt", "your mom is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house", "you're so stupid that you sit on the tv and watch the couch", "you are so ugly that the doctor slapped your mother when you were born", "your family is so poor, that your family got married for the rice." Just some of the more "milder" things that were said to me.
So I learned to take that power away from them by agreeing with whatever was said and turned their taunts into self deprecating jokes to take the sting out of their words. "You're so fat, you jumped and got stuck in the sky" (yeah I never understood the physics nor the logic of this one) to which I would have said something like "you think that is bad? My stretch marks look like a topographical map of Utah."
So yeah, I have that type of emotional well that I tap into. People have always said "oh you just have something to say about everything dont you?" Well when you are the pinata on the playground, and in other parts of your life, you learn to be a quick thinker.  You learn how to have a retort for just about any and all situations. So in serious situations, I sometimes resort to these tactics in order to help me process the feelings that I am having, and to try to lighten the gravity of the mood. Sometimes to others horrors and sometimes to their delight. Needless to say, I have a dark sense of humor. I also put words that are somewhat common place, into sentences and use them as insults that sometime takes the other person by surprise and makes them think about what I said, which in my own sick humor, is funny to me, watching them trying to deduce the meaning behind what I said while a handful of others have already got it, made the connection and are pissing themselves laughing. Point in case, someone in a parking lot and I had this exchange last night:

Her: you ain't shit you fat fuck (after a short exchange back and forth because the bitch almost hit me with her car as I was walking to mine)
Me: *inhales and cracks neck* listen whore, if we were put in Fat-abetical order I would be an A and your galaxy eclipsing ass would be a triple Z. Now moo cow your way back to whatever Golden Corral (a buffet here in Washington State) you put of business when you left. Buh bye
So yeah that is just one way that I "come back" at people. 
So all of that aside. I am feeling better at this point in time. I know that the depression and what have you havent completely gone away and that more is undoubtedly on its way. But getting my sink fixed by a local handyman and friend of mine really helped put me at ease, even though it left me beyond broke. I still owe him $40 on top of what I gave him already for parts and labor. But knowing that im doing small steps to make things better in my house is making me feel good. So I will just keep plugging along and get things done little by little. There are a few things that are going to be to big for me to do on my own that will require me calling my landlord in for. But for now im back to "normal". 
Sorry that I went on that long rant, but it just needed to come out. I keep so much bottled up that I have to vent every now and then.

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