My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

Monday, March 12, 2018

Starting over [dieting]

Well today marks my "first official" day of trying to diet again. I am not really going to "diet" persay, more like watching the quantities of food that I intake, so a lot of portion control. Which that is the biggest bitch for me because my body doesn't make that hormone that tells you that you are full. So I've been doing my best to not over eat, and only sticking to 3 meals a day with 4 snack options thrown in there.
I am also going to be utilizing MyFitnessPal again, which has me on a 3000 Calorie a day restriction. My goal is to lose enough weight to get back down to 350-375. I am currently at 485. At the time of writing this post, all I have had for a breakfast is a cheese stick, and 4 corn chips.
I am also going to try to get back into the gym, or at the very least do some walking at the park daily. I am not placing any kind of restriction on myself or what have you. I have a "Im going to do my best" type of attitude about this venture. I am hoping that I can and will be able to stick with it and keep it going. I've got to do something, because I just can't go on the way that I am. So this whole venture isn't spurred by trying to meet someone, or anything else. Its for (my) self, by (my) self. So that way if I stop following the plan that I am putting into motion, then there is no disappointments, no broken promises, just me stopping.

I know very "unaccountable" but it is what it is. I so far have 4 days under my belt on this new path that I am walking. By me saying that today is my official day of putting effort into it, that means that today is when I am going to start logging my steps and progress if any. If you have been a reader of my blog for a while, then you will know that when I first started this, how dedicated I was and how I was journaling and keeping track and records etc. So I printed out my logbook information and made my first entry into it. I have a food diary, a pedometer log, and a glucose log.

So wish me luck. Im going to need it.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Weight loss is a bitch

So in my last post I wrote about going to see and Endocrinologist to see about having the gastric balloon done. He said that because I am on Medicare that they will not cover it and that it is basically written into the law governing Medicare and Weight Loss that they can not cover the balloon because there have been some deaths associated with it.
I think that is absolute bullshit. I should be able to sign a waiver form saying that I understand the risks and that I nor my family or other representing agency can or will sue afterwards. Doctors have been telling me since the late 90's that I need to consider weight loss surgery. But back then 350lbs didnt seem so horrible. It felt like I was still able to maintain and lose the weight "naturally". Well now that I am 485lbs (as of 3/5/18) things are starting to become harder.
The original purpose of this blog was to write about my struggles with weight loss and hunger. It has kind of veered off course since its start. I am going to try to do the whole "diet" thing again. In the past I have kept a record of my walking, my blood sugars, and a food journal, along with digital logging through MyFitnessPal.com but it has been years since I've used MFP.
So starting Monday  March 12th (my grandpa's birthday) I am going to try and get back on track. That means trying to get back in the gym, doing some walking daily, and trying portion control and meal prep. The diet thing that I am going to try is Atkins. I did it once before and lost like 30lbs before stopping. My main goal of weight loss is to get back to 350lbs, for a goal of 135lbs total loss. I am hoping to have it done by October/November.
So I am going to be praying to every god/goddess ever known to man to help me get through these next few months without straying or falling off the wagon as it were.

Friday, February 23, 2018

Its almost March

As I sit here entangled with an online bully on a video I posted to YouTube over 6 years ago now, I realize all the stuff that I have going on in my life and the somewhat hopeful optimistic outlook I have. On March 5th I go and talk to an Endocrinologist about possibly having weight loss surgery done. I am looking into the Obalon Gastric Balloon (that link takes you to a YouTube video about it.) and am kinda of nervous about having this procedure done, if I qualify for it.
I feel like there are a lot of changes coming for me this year, all of them good I hope. Also I've been "adulting" alot lately. Had to get my drivers license renewed which is always a pleasure. I dont know why I get so nervous having to renew them. You would think that I should be use to it by now, seeing since I've been driving since I was 15 and am going to be 37 in a few weeks. But thankfully the small town I live in, there was like 5 people total (that was including the lady working there) in the office at the time, and I got my license like a week later. I am also about to undergo getting my passport for the first time. I am really nervous about that. But at the same time super excited too.  Because I live like 40 miles from Canada and I have never been. The last time I was out of the country all you needed was your ID and a Birth Certificate. But it also means that when and if I go back to California, I can go down to Mexico and go eat at my favorite place in TJ called Tillys and have my punch bowl peach margarita and taco platter. But yeah there are a lot of things coming up and things that I am doing to prep myself for them. Just trying to stay positive and humble, and keeping my head down, and making sure to thank the universe and my higher powers.

Off to see what kind of trouble I can get into now.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Helping someone grieve

Recently there has been a lot of death in my life. First, I found out that a friend/ex-roommate of mine committed suicide. Then, a friend of mine has a son, whose best friend passed from a brain tumor at the age of 11. Then my other friend, found her mother in law dead this morning. I have been trying to help my friends cope and deal with the loss in their lives. My friend "Stacy" (name withheld) has been the hardest to help. Her son, only 11 or 12 himself, is having to deal with the loss of a friend and someone who he had a special relationship with, has been the toughest. Death is never easy at any age. But to try and help a child, who is suffering and hurting past the point of a kiss and hug to fix is something completely different.
I never experienced death or loss as a child. It wasn't until I was 14 that I had experienced it first hand, with the passing of my Grandfather ( Dad's side) and Grandmother (on my biological mothers side) that I had ever attended a funeral. In my family, your emotions were to be put to the side. You weren't really "allowed" to be sad for any period of time, outside of the first week or so of the loss.

Being Bipolar, I think really kept me from processing the emotions the way that I should. As a friend I just offer my shoulder to cry on, and a listening ear. I try to take into consideration that who ever is talking to me during their time of need. They only needs me as a sounding board, nothing else.
I feel like a hallow monster though, because as much as my heart is breaking for that person, I sit there stone faced and many times emotionless just so the other person feels ok, when inside im torn up.
My walling things up only to have them hit me full force later, has been the bane of my existence. I teared up talking with Stacy, about the pain and suffering that she is going through on behalf of her son's pain. Telling someone who is baring their heart and hurting soul to you, that everything is going to be ok, is like adding gas to fire. We all know its going to be "ok" but saying it seems to be the only response that we are able to give when words fail us. My heart is breaking for Stacy and her family, as they are having to deal with this.

Selfishly though, I am trying not to put to much of my own emotion into this time, as I know it would drag me into my depression even deeper and dredge up some old memories that I am able to hide away. Because I too can lament about the losses in my life. The pain of absents, and the feeling of loneliness afterwards. All I can do is hope and pray to whatever god is listening, that the hearts of those who are suffering from loss right now, can be eased and heald quickly.

Take time to take stock of the people in your life. Forgive them of what you can. Let them know that you love them, while you can. Say the words that you hold yourself back from saying, because tomorrow may be to late.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

My first blog post of 2018

2018....God damn where has the time gone? You know I can still remember writing 1994. For whatever reason when I think of 1994 I am automatically sent back to my Freshman year of High School. I was sitting in English class. We were writing a paper about something we just read.  I have no clue as to why that memory is etched into my head but well it is.

So 2017 was a year of tremendous ups and downs. My relationship of almost a year and a half came to an end in June. Had a lot of fun with my friends out at the lake. Saw a lot of great movies. Did some traveling. Took the train down to Portland, OR. Got 2 cars. One of my cats passed. Made new friends, said goodbye to others. Lost 2 Uncles. Watched my niece take her first steps into the adult world, by starting College while she is still in High School. Had some new health problems. Gotten closer with some of my friends.  Reconnected with others. Closed out some chapters in my book that had been opened for way to long.  So yeah here I am in 2018, somewhat "newer" somewhat "wiser" and somewhat "happier", even though my depression has all but kicked me in the balls over the last 4 months. Things could be (and have been) worse.

At the time of typing this, I have the probability of a new relationship forming. However, I dont know exactly how it is going to pan out. I am just enjoying the flirtation, and the texting. I kinda let the ball drop on trying to get my YouTube viewership and subscribers up. But I just uploaded my first video of 2019. For a while there I was doing 2 videos a week, but I think im going to try for at least 1 a week and see how that works out. I still have a lot of things that I need to do before getting it all set up the way that I want it to be, but hey everything in moderation right?

I also have joined the land of AI (artificial intelligence) in the home by getting 2 Amazon Echo Dot's (aka Alexa) for christmas. Its so cool and weird at the same time to have your home automated by a disembodied voice that harkens to your commands. But at the same time the nerdy geek in me is pissing himself with joy. So yeah right now she controls the lights in my house, and the security cameras. I have her linked up to my family GPS so I get updates on the family whenever they leave their house, get to work/school, and when they arrive at the store. I know it sounds intrusive on my part, but they all have the same app and can see what I do too. I just have Alexa that announces it to me.

I am still collecting Funko Pop (my personal website dedicated to them) and my collection is almost worth $1,000 and I have right now 103 pieces with another 3 on the way and picking up 2 more in a few days. Which with the addition of these 5 my collection should be worth just over 1k. I am always on the look out for new guys that I dont have. This Bob Ross is one that I actually have, but I used a stock image from Google because I didnt want to unbox mine and take a picture.

Health wise (since I mentioned it above) I am "ok". I just recently fucked up my neck and it has been giving me killer migraines. So much so that I seriously thought about suicide just to not have to fee the pain any more. I spent an entire weekend in and out of the ER right after Christmas, and a full day admitted into the Hospital. They still have no clue wtf I did or how to fix it. So they keep pumping me full of pills and sending me to physical therapy. I dont mind the PT because 1.) the therapist is good looking (shallow i know) and 2.) I get a full 1hr deep tissue message out of it. Life could be worse. Well it has been let me tell you that migraine is no damn joke. I've had 3rd Degree Burns and this hurt worse. My Diabetes is getting better thanks to the insulin pump (even though I have a love hate relationship with the damn thing.) I was also placed on a CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitor). But something is wrong with it, so I am going to wait until my next visit to get it fixed.

So there you have it. The good, the bad, the worse. So for now I am going to wrap this up. Remember if you have something that you would like for me to check out, or just want to say hi, send me an email to hellocupcakeitsme@gmail.com and make sure to visit and subscribe to the YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/hellocupcakeitsme

Friday, December 1, 2017

Wasn't trying to be a hero

So last night I was on Facebook when I saw a thing about a young autistic boy who had gone missing from my area. Something in me said that I should go out and look for him, and that even if I didn't find him at least it would be a good time of night to go for a drive. Living in an area where there's a lot of woods and Wildlife another dangers, I just thought of my niece I would hope that someone totally unrelated to my family or friends would take the time out of their day to go look for her. I had read a couple of the comments on the post related to the boy being missing since 5:30 p.m. and learned his name from those posts. So I grabbed what flashlights I had hopped in my car, said a prayer, and took off. I went to one of my favorite beaches thinking that the kid might be there. I begin calling out his name, and thought that I heard someone yell back about 1/4 of a mile up from where I was. So I drove it's fast as I could I'm pulled over about 1/4 of a mile up and start calling his name again. This time almost clears day I heard a frail little voice yell back "I'm down here, I'm hurt, and I can't move my leg". I assured him that I was there to help him and that I was going to call and let the police know that I had found him that his mom and dad were very scared and that there was a bunch of people out looking for him. I called 911 and told the dispatcher where I was and gave all my information. A few moments later guy from search and rescue one County over had come up to help his girlfriend look for the boy and I flagged him down and pointed out where the kid was. They played Marco Polo, one to keep the kid calm and two to help him find where he was located. Be in the middle of the night and in a very secluded area, there was almost no light. Part of the joys and curses of living in the country. I'm just glad that I listen to my inner voice and took the initiative and the time to get my car and actually go out and look for him. I wasn't sure if I was going to find him but there was something in me that just said that I needed to go and look. I'm glad that I did because the story could have had a much different ending. So Good Deeds being done, a family gets to stay whole and happy this holiday season.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving

Regardless of where you are in the world, what religion, or beliefs you have. I would like to wish you, your family, and loved one's peace and wellness. May you find health, happiness and blessings.

Thanks for being a reader.

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