My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right A B Start

So as of late, since my break up really, things have been pretty good. I have had little bouts of depression here and there but for the most part have been pretty "good". I have made a few new friends. Been more social. Been invited to join in a spiritual outing with like minded folks, my general overall luck feels for the most part to have changed for the better. My humble collection of #FunkoPop has grown to more of an obsession at this point check out my website that I made for it My Funko Pop Life
But there are still some things that havent changed. I still try to help others only to get dumped on. I try to show others that I care about them, only to get dirt kicked in my face. I try to be a "good person" only to basically be made to feel like my efforts are for not. But hey it could be worse right? It seems like no matter what I do I cant ever seem to balance the scales. So at this point I think im going to quit trying. I mean really all it does is cause me to do this vicious dance. I feel like Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle
You know, especially if you follow me on YouTube (which you should click the link so you could) you know that I dont have much, nor do I pretend to, or really want to. So when I get something for someone, especially if it is really cool, or something that they need or want, the only thing I really "expect" is at the very least a "Hey thank you for that" or something small like that. I dont expect a ticker tape parade, or a monument erected to me, etc.
I dont do things for people for over the top praise, or for any recognition outside of a informal "thank you", and I sure as hell dont do it to loom it over their head, or in hopes of getting something in return. I do for others because I can. Because it makes me feel good to help them, or get them something special/nice, when and if I can. I am a giver by nature. I like to give gifts. I like to bring little blessings into peoples lives. It might be something stupid as a heart drawn on a rock, or something grand, but its genuinely done with love in my heart. So when I do something for someone and its basically slapped away, it kinda stings and makes me think "why should I continue to do for this person?" But then there is that BDSM side of me that will come crawling back a few days later like a hungry dog looking for its masters scraps.

So yeah I just needed to bitch and get some of this off my chest. Im not feeling 100% better but meh, it is what it is i guess. As for the title of this post...i couldnt think of anything so I put the Konami Code lol

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Feeling Thankful

You know its not to often that I post religious or spiritual things. But right now I am just feeling blessed. Even with the fact that Mecury is Retrograde right now, and things got a bit bumpy for about a week or two. Coming out of this last bout of depression has really made me thankful for the things that I have going on in my life right now. They are stellar but they are not the worse either.
I am finding peace in all things. Trying to be the good person I know I can be and have been in the past. Trying to be there for friends and family. Slowly trying to piece myself together. I am taking a really long time with this one. I need to make sure that all the broken pieces actually need to be reassembled or refabricate them. My PTSD kicked the shit out of me this last time. But I think i was my own fucked up mental health's way of helping me through some of the crap that Ive been dealing with. So right now I am writing this as I am about to go to bed. Before I say my nightly thank yous to the Gods. I just felt that I needed to put into writing that every thing is going to be ok. It might not be 100% but it will be better. And with each step, with each day, I will eventually find some semblance of happiness and content again...

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Just feeling strange

It seems like I just can not get the fuck out of bed lately. Like I slept for 2 days straight basically only getting up to eat and go to the bathroom.
Typically when im depressed I do this. But that is just it, I dont really "feel" depressed right now. There are a lot of things on my mind. Ive been thinking about things that I need to do and want to do, but I dont believe it is in a depressive manner, but could be?
Ive tried talking to a few people about it and have pretty much been met with a wall. Meaning they dont seem to care or want to talk about it. And to a point I get it. No one wants to really sit down and listen to someone bitch about their seemingly "good" life. Even though I know the people in my life, love me, it still feels like im alone.
I thought maybe when I got a car and was able to go places more often, and wasnt always so reliant on people having to come get me, that I would feel better. Well I dont. I love having a car and being able to come and go when I want to. But it seems like ive somehow isolated myself or have been isolated even more so now. Like I get this look of "why are you here" when people show up at a place and Im there. I know im probably just imagining it, but I hope that its not how they truly feel.
I find that im not doing some of the things that i normally would do to make me feel better either. Like painting. Havent done that in about 4 weeks. Vlogging for the YouTube channel, it took me 3 weeks to post a video I made 2 weeks prior to that 3 week period. I havent been keeping up with this blog. Been doing ok with my other blog that I do product reviews on. And even started up a new blog, but that has died out now too.
I feel like ive got the summer time blues right now. And maybe that is all it is. All that I do know is that I am more than ready for it to be over with. I think I just need to find some water to go float around in and try to connect with nature or something. All that I do know is that im tired of being tired. And of feeling like im a drag on everyone.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Seattle Pride 2017

HOLY HELL what a crowded get together that was. So Seattle was my first "Official Big Pride" that I have ever gone to. A few weeks ago I went to the Port Townsend Pride Parade which was the very first pride that I had ever gone to. Me and my friends are planning on going to yet another pride in a few weeks in Bremerton WA.

OMG it was so hot in Seattle that day. Everything was going great but some god damn protesters had to stop the parade and "be heard" and after all of that me and my friends decided to just say FUCK IT and we walked down to Pike Place.

We went and got some ice cream, walked around the market a bit and then walked back to the ferry where the cooler sea breeze was enough to cause an orgasim. We then made our way back to a mexican restaurant had some really good food, went to the Dollar Tree, and then home.

It was a super long day for me, as I had woke up at 2:30am that morning and didnt go to sleep until 10:30pm. Plus all of the walking, and climbing stairs, and walking down super steep streets. But in the end I had a total blast. I felt bad at times because I was starting to get heat stroke and had to stop and sit every so often, but I feel ok about the fact that i was for the most part able to keep up.

Now today, the day after, my legs hurt so freaking bad. I want to do nothing but sleep. And so im going to rest for the rest of the day (maybe the month)

Friday, June 23, 2017

Painting it away

As of late, I have gotten back into painting. I am trying to do a picture a day. I typically paint on and off through out the year.

I use my art as a way to escape and to refocus my energies. Especially if I feel a bout of depression or a bipolar episode creeping. I will turn on some music, and if I dont have canvas to paint on, I will go through my collection of paintings and find one that I am just not in love with and paint over it. So I have done 6 paintings in the last 3 weeks.

The one shown here on the right is one of my latest (I've done 2 since this one but wanted to share this one.) For those of you who dont recognize who or what this is from, do a Google search on Goku or Dragon Ball/Dragon Ball Z.
This portrait kickstarted my painting silhouette's. The last 3 or 4 paintings are all silhouette's too. I really like they way the turn out, mainly because I can not paint faces well, but you still get the idea of who or what it is supposed to be. And well because Im a fan of DBZ I wanted something to represent that.

I find that listening to music and doing something creative helps me from really slipping into a super bad funk. Sometimes though it doesnt help and that is when I just force myself to go to bed and if I wake up still feeling angry, or depressed then I try to call friends or family to help defuse. And then there are just those days in which nothing helps and I just have to be a raving asshole that day. Or be a depressed emotional lump.

But I just wanted to share some art, as I dont think I have done so for a bit.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Nondisclosure Agreements

Asking a blogger, let alone anyone to really consider signing a NDA is really a dick move. What is an NDA well in short, it is a form that is signed in order for information to be passed between two parties. Sometimes you will find this when one company needs to crowd source a project or something like that. Why is it a dick move? Well, honestly, you are keeping someone from really speaking their mind, and giving input to the general public about the probability of investing into a sinking ship.

I recently was contracted with a company to give my honest feedback about a product. Now this is a famous world wide product, however, the item that I was asked to look at and give feedback on has A LOT OF FLAWS, yet production of this item is already underway. When I had brought up some of the issues that I had with said item I was basically told “oh well, it's not what we are looking for but ‘dearly noted’ so make sure not to include that in your evaluation or write up.” Thankfully my NDA has an expiration date in which time I will be posting more details about said item.

Companies want information from you, yet they want to give you the big ol middle finger before accepting your honest valued opinion. Now I know some NDA’s are to keep trade secrets. However, look how far that gets some companies. The minute their product launches, you have hundreds of other companies making the same exact product with their label on it for a fraction of the cost. With iPhone, I watched a video on YouTube the other day where a guy living in China went to their open air market place and had an iPhone 6s created for less than $125 USD when at the time the 6s was well over $600USD

All a NDA is doing besides keeping me from talking about your product to possible new investors, clients, or customers, is saying that you don't trust me. You think that if you really had that “million dollar” idea, that someone else hasn’t thought it up or has it in the works already, honestly you are not that unique. You are saying that I could have legal actions taken against me if your product or idea gets leaked, even if it's not my fault.

So before you go asking a product reviewer or blogger to sign a NDA or other related document, really think about what doing so is asking them. Its basically a shut up order that is not fair, nor good practice.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

A long Journey

So its been a very long time since I was able to properly update the blog. I have had numerous issues with it over the last year or two. One of the biggest issues was the fact that my IT person deleted all my old posts when trying to back everything up for me. The hosting was always up and down. And I just couldn't get logged in at times to update. And then when I was able to, the damn wordpress site would lock up and crash. So now after having hired someone to work on the blog for me, I am now moved over to Blogger and things should be back to normal.

Since last posting about whats really going on in life, which was The Horrible Hoarding in which I had mentioned that I had started working on my house and doing cleaning and what have you. So prior to that and something im not sure that I posted about, I had gotten into a relationship. Now this happened back in Jan 2016. Well as of May 25th of 2017 that is no longer the case. There were to many things that just couldnt be agreed upon or fixed. They didnt understand my mental and physical health conditions, and I couldnt seem to understand their “needs”.

This has been the first time in my life that I have ever willingly walked away from a relationship and not been the one who was dumped or left broken. And I sure as hell dont wish that the other person to be broken about it. But it just got to the point where I was just DONE. I felt like I was fighting and trying all the time, albeit that they felt differently, it was still something that I felt I did, and that I gave my all. So as long as I feel this way, that is how I see the closure of this relationship. Now I wanted to be with this person for the rest of my life. I was so attracted to the mental stimulation, the creative spark, the beautiful soul, and the ambitions of this person, and even overlooked some of the other things that we were not compatible in, like politics (I have Democratic views, they are Republican), current events, Gay/Trans Rights (I being for, they being against most) , and many other issues.

Friends and family always said “Michael, I dont know how the hell you are dealing with this. You dont put yourself out for anyone, EVER. I have never seen you put so much effort into anything, especially a relationship.” – My Mother and Sister. “Michael you are so much better than the drama. They dont realize how special and worth it you are and if they let you slip they are crazy” – My friends

So like I said I feel good with the decision to walk away. I am sad that the relationship didnt work out, as I had high hopes, but well good intentions and roadways to hell and all that right? The other big bummer about it was that I got close with the parents, and now I dont know if I will be seeing them ever again. Yeah Im that weirdo that was going to be happy with the In-Laws, if we had ever gotten married.

So now that I am back on the “market” I am going to do things a bit differently. Prior to this relationship, I had been single from June 2004 – January 2016. So in that time I learned alot about myself and who I was, what I wanted, and what I needed. So this time around, Im going to openly, actively date or at least look for a new relationship. And if I find one in a month or in a year then great. Meantime, Im going to focus on my blogging, and my other little side “hussles” and get my health back under control. Do some traveling. And keep going to the gym for as long as I can get the membership taken care of.

So here is my first official blog post as a newly single person. And my first official blog post on the new Blogger server/platform.

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