My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Travel Jitters

So I am about to undergo a trip out to California. It's become my "to do" every 2 years. But as I get older, I find it harder and harder to leave my house for extended periods of time.
Short little day trips are one thing. But having to pack and be gone for more than a few days is really a bit much. I force myself to do it, because I know im going to have fun once out and about. But the jitters or the Resfeber (see def to the right) and generalized anxiety really fucks with me.
This time is a 3 part trip. 1st part is getting to my brothers house 2hrs away. 2nd part is a 12hr car ride to Northern California to my moms new house. 3rd is the trip home via plane. Which involves me having to go to San Francisco (which I am really excited about), and flying into Seattle. Then having to take either a taxi, or uber to the ferry, and then meeting up with someone on the other side and driving back home. So in total, my mom will be home way before I ever get home. My flight to So. Cal was 2.5 hours, so Im assuming my flight from Nor Cal is going to be about an hour give or take.

Just really bugging right now, but keeping my fingers crossed all turns out good.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Just some thoughts

So lately I've felt like I need to just get out and travel. Well it looks like that is going to be happening as I have plans to go to California this summer. It looks like I will be going out sometime in May or June. Im both excited and apprehensive about it. The apperhention comes from my general anxiety, and I know im going to have tons of fun when im there, just the whole having to deal with the airport, and getting from my house to the airport, and TSA and all that other crap. And then on the return having to do it all over again.
I have all these aspirations to go to the East Coast, and to go here or there, but honestly, the anxiety of doing it really gets to me. Even doing a 3 hour road trip gets to me at times. But I know it will be all good and that the ends will justify the means. Plus I have never been to Northern California, so its going to be all brand new for me. And theres talks of staying a night or two in San Francisco which sounds super fun.
Also this summer, my friends want to do a Staycation and do a few camping trips, and a trip to Anacortes. The few times I've been to Anacortes it has been fun. And I have never been camping with my friends, so that will be fun. I just hope everything pans out the way that we all think it should. On another note. I feel like i am losing my weight loss battle. I feel like I am just macking way to much food at night, and that coupled with the fat that I dont really exercise all that much is starting to give me less and less hope. But I am going to try to continue doing the best that I can and power through it. The doctor said that I had lost 15lbs, so I am hoping that my anxiety isnt going to get the better of me and I just stop with the progression that I have made so far.
Currently I have a lot of uneasy feelings and feelings of being hallow. I dont know what to do to fix it, so I am hoping that getting away from my house and life for a few days. will do me some good.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

One week after meal prepping

Well its been a week since I started doing meal prep, and I have to say its quite interesting. Like trying to make up a weeks worth of meals all in a day is really difficult. Last night I cooked up steak and chicken, and added to it bacon wrapped asparagus and rice, as well as broccoli and cauliflower.

I didnt do mashed potatoes because they didnt taste to good, and when I put them in the microwave, they got gritty.
Im probably going to prep some lunch meals too. I find that if I dont eat something at home I go out for it. I have limited myself to eating fast food once a week, unless out with friends.

I've found that im not as hungry as I thought I would be. Hopefully that continues to be the case, but if not *shrug*. I have an upcoming Dr appointment that im going to weigh myself.  But one thing that I noticed is that I am getting "flavor burnout". Like eating my last chicken meal was damn near torture. So I am going to do another week of beef/stake and chicken and then next time do something like pasta and things like that.

I have found that I am craving chocolate and salt right now. So I dont know what that is all about but hey, hopefully the small steps im taking will add up to something.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Starting over [dieting]

Well today marks my "first official" day of trying to diet again. I am not really going to "diet" persay, more like watching the quantities of food that I intake, so a lot of portion control. Which that is the biggest bitch for me because my body doesn't make that hormone that tells you that you are full. So I've been doing my best to not over eat, and only sticking to 3 meals a day with 4 snack options thrown in there.
I am also going to be utilizing MyFitnessPal again, which has me on a 3000 Calorie a day restriction. My goal is to lose enough weight to get back down to 350-375. I am currently at 485. At the time of writing this post, all I have had for a breakfast is a cheese stick, and 4 corn chips.
I am also going to try to get back into the gym, or at the very least do some walking at the park daily. I am not placing any kind of restriction on myself or what have you. I have a "Im going to do my best" type of attitude about this venture. I am hoping that I can and will be able to stick with it and keep it going. I've got to do something, because I just can't go on the way that I am. So this whole venture isn't spurred by trying to meet someone, or anything else. Its for (my) self, by (my) self. So that way if I stop following the plan that I am putting into motion, then there is no disappointments, no broken promises, just me stopping.

I know very "unaccountable" but it is what it is. I so far have 4 days under my belt on this new path that I am walking. By me saying that today is my official day of putting effort into it, that means that today is when I am going to start logging my steps and progress if any. If you have been a reader of my blog for a while, then you will know that when I first started this, how dedicated I was and how I was journaling and keeping track and records etc. So I printed out my logbook information and made my first entry into it. I have a food diary, a pedometer log, and a glucose log.

So wish me luck. Im going to need it.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Weight loss is a bitch

So in my last post I wrote about going to see and Endocrinologist to see about having the gastric balloon done. He said that because I am on Medicare that they will not cover it and that it is basically written into the law governing Medicare and Weight Loss that they can not cover the balloon because there have been some deaths associated with it.
I think that is absolute bullshit. I should be able to sign a waiver form saying that I understand the risks and that I nor my family or other representing agency can or will sue afterwards. Doctors have been telling me since the late 90's that I need to consider weight loss surgery. But back then 350lbs didnt seem so horrible. It felt like I was still able to maintain and lose the weight "naturally". Well now that I am 485lbs (as of 3/5/18) things are starting to become harder.
The original purpose of this blog was to write about my struggles with weight loss and hunger. It has kind of veered off course since its start. I am going to try to do the whole "diet" thing again. In the past I have kept a record of my walking, my blood sugars, and a food journal, along with digital logging through MyFitnessPal.com but it has been years since I've used MFP.
So starting Monday  March 12th (my grandpa's birthday) I am going to try and get back on track. That means trying to get back in the gym, doing some walking daily, and trying portion control and meal prep. The diet thing that I am going to try is Atkins. I did it once before and lost like 30lbs before stopping. My main goal of weight loss is to get back to 350lbs, for a goal of 135lbs total loss. I am hoping to have it done by October/November.
So I am going to be praying to every god/goddess ever known to man to help me get through these next few months without straying or falling off the wagon as it were.

Friday, February 23, 2018

Its almost March

As I sit here entangled with an online bully on a video I posted to YouTube over 6 years ago now, I realize all the stuff that I have going on in my life and the somewhat hopeful optimistic outlook I have. On March 5th I go and talk to an Endocrinologist about possibly having weight loss surgery done. I am looking into the Obalon Gastric Balloon (that link takes you to a YouTube video about it.) and am kinda of nervous about having this procedure done, if I qualify for it.
I feel like there are a lot of changes coming for me this year, all of them good I hope. Also I've been "adulting" alot lately. Had to get my drivers license renewed which is always a pleasure. I dont know why I get so nervous having to renew them. You would think that I should be use to it by now, seeing since I've been driving since I was 15 and am going to be 37 in a few weeks. But thankfully the small town I live in, there was like 5 people total (that was including the lady working there) in the office at the time, and I got my license like a week later. I am also about to undergo getting my passport for the first time. I am really nervous about that. But at the same time super excited too.  Because I live like 40 miles from Canada and I have never been. The last time I was out of the country all you needed was your ID and a Birth Certificate. But it also means that when and if I go back to California, I can go down to Mexico and go eat at my favorite place in TJ called Tillys and have my punch bowl peach margarita and taco platter. But yeah there are a lot of things coming up and things that I am doing to prep myself for them. Just trying to stay positive and humble, and keeping my head down, and making sure to thank the universe and my higher powers.

Off to see what kind of trouble I can get into now.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Helping someone grieve

Recently there has been a lot of death in my life. First, I found out that a friend/ex-roommate of mine committed suicide. Then, a friend of mine has a son, whose best friend passed from a brain tumor at the age of 11. Then my other friend, found her mother in law dead this morning. I have been trying to help my friends cope and deal with the loss in their lives. My friend "Stacy" (name withheld) has been the hardest to help. Her son, only 11 or 12 himself, is having to deal with the loss of a friend and someone who he had a special relationship with, has been the toughest. Death is never easy at any age. But to try and help a child, who is suffering and hurting past the point of a kiss and hug to fix is something completely different.
I never experienced death or loss as a child. It wasn't until I was 14 that I had experienced it first hand, with the passing of my Grandfather ( Dad's side) and Grandmother (on my biological mothers side) that I had ever attended a funeral. In my family, your emotions were to be put to the side. You weren't really "allowed" to be sad for any period of time, outside of the first week or so of the loss.

Being Bipolar, I think really kept me from processing the emotions the way that I should. As a friend I just offer my shoulder to cry on, and a listening ear. I try to take into consideration that who ever is talking to me during their time of need. They only needs me as a sounding board, nothing else.
I feel like a hallow monster though, because as much as my heart is breaking for that person, I sit there stone faced and many times emotionless just so the other person feels ok, when inside im torn up.
My walling things up only to have them hit me full force later, has been the bane of my existence. I teared up talking with Stacy, about the pain and suffering that she is going through on behalf of her son's pain. Telling someone who is baring their heart and hurting soul to you, that everything is going to be ok, is like adding gas to fire. We all know its going to be "ok" but saying it seems to be the only response that we are able to give when words fail us. My heart is breaking for Stacy and her family, as they are having to deal with this.

Selfishly though, I am trying not to put to much of my own emotion into this time, as I know it would drag me into my depression even deeper and dredge up some old memories that I am able to hide away. Because I too can lament about the losses in my life. The pain of absents, and the feeling of loneliness afterwards. All I can do is hope and pray to whatever god is listening, that the hearts of those who are suffering from loss right now, can be eased and heald quickly.

Take time to take stock of the people in your life. Forgive them of what you can. Let them know that you love them, while you can. Say the words that you hold yourself back from saying, because tomorrow may be to late.

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