The plate is getting full

 Man, the last few weeks have been tough. I have been an emotional wreck, and just feeling overwhelmed with everything. My upcoming book feels like it is a thousand-pound weight laying atop of me, and really missing my dad, my grandma, and just spending way to much time in the rearview mirror as of late. 

My sleep has been all over the place, I feel exhausted ALWAYS. My eating has been crappy, and my whole body has various "check engine" lights going off. I don't know what the deal is. Maybe it's just me being manic, or maybe its depression, or maybe it's because it's a day that ends in Y?

I've wanted to swan dive into my past marijuana addiction so badly the last few weeks. Like all I want to do is pack a bowl, and light it up, and smoke until I can't breathe, drink copious amounts of alcohol, and rinse and repeat. And I know that isn't going to solve anything but reset the calendar on almost 4yrs of sobriety and make me hate myself. Im not against ever smoking again, but it was becoming a huge problem for me, and I forced myself to quit. I still have all of my pipes, bongs, and even a few nugs and a vape pen with 4 cartridges. I keep it to remind myself, and to prove to myself that I dont need it, even if i want it (now if I could only do that with junk food lol.)

I dont know what I need, or want....but I do know that I feel like im burning the candle at both ends!