HELLO CUPCAKE ITS ME

My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

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Maybe it's ADHD

 


So over the last 6 months I have started following a few diagnosed ADHD people on social media platforms like Tik Tok and Facebook, and have begun questioning my own mental health diagnosis as I have found that most often that ADHD seems to be undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. 

I've also recently learned about a thing that some people with ADHD do called "Body Doubling" where they need the presence of another person there in order for them to accomplish a task. I found that I unknowingly do this when I have to clean or do the dishes. I like to talk on the phone. If I am talking on the phone I can get things done, where if I am "by myself" I cant seem to do the task at hand.
So many times a girlfriend of mine will call me at night and I will begin wanting to do the dishes, or do laundry, or some other cleaning task that I have put off. And if the person on the phone wants to hang up, I find that is the time that whatever task I was doing at time is "finished". 

For example, my friend called me the other night, and I started doing dishes. I stopped when she had to hang up and haven't really been near my sink in 3 days. In one Tik Tok video, a guy was showing himself being "painfully bored" and his 'roommate' (played by himself) was like 'dude wtf is wrong with you' and the guy who was painfully bored described in metaphoric terms what he was experiencing. And it was like a light bulb turned on, because I go through those times where I "need" to do something but "cant". 

I do not own this video, but this is almost 100% of how I feel at any one given time.

Posted by Michael Scott Peterson on Thursday, March 3, 2022

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Check out the newest addition to the Hello Cupcake It's Me family. The Hello Cupcake It's Me a Podcast, now broadcasting wherever you stream your favorite podcasts from.

Click here to go to Anchor.fm or Spotify 

 

 

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Hello Cupcake It's Me a Podcast

Well y'all I am now going to be doing a biweekly podcast. I will be taking the YouTube videos that I make and turning them into podcasts, that will be published on Spotify and Google Podcasts. And if you are the podcast listening type of person, now you will be able to follow along in video or audio format. So a lot of what I am going to be posting on YouTube is going to make it into podcast format too.

As of right this minute I will not be doing exclusive podcast shows. However that may change in the future.

So go check out the new podcast https://anchor.fm/hellocupcakeitsme 


 

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Hello Readers.
Now you can help show your support by buying me a coffee. I offer several membership levels, each with their own features and starting at only $5 USD a month.

Help support and keep things up and running and get me a cup of Emotional Support Coffee. 

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A bit of progress (I think)

 So it has officially been two weeks since I've started monitoring my eating and trying to get out and walk and I will admit that I am starting to feel good again. Im taking my supplements and drinking water with apple cider vinegar in it and cutting back on my snacking, and trying to limit the sugar intake.

I believe that I have already lost about 5lbs. And since getting an air fryer, I have been cooking most of my meals exclusively in it. My afternoon naps are maybe 45 minutes if even that long. I lay there just long enough to rest and then I am back up and at it. 

I still am not able to do a full mile walk. When I did force a mile out of me, I suffered the rest of that day and most of the next. So I am going to continue to take it slow and work back up. I was given some CBD lotion, so im going to start using that like I once did. Because I remembered when I started walking, I was using that once or twice during the walk. I would put some on, wait a few minutes for it to get to working and then I would reapply once I got to the end of  the trail and had to turn around and go back. I am hoping to be able to do my 2 mile a day walk. I love that stretch of forest, and all the green and birds singing really make it nice.

So all i have to do is keep up and continue doing my best. Every step counts.

Why is it so expensive to be healthy?

Why is it so damn expensive to try and be healthy? 
It honestly must be a conspiracy to keep you fat and unhealthy. Like you can buy 4 cheese burgers for $3.00 but its $5 for a salad that was prepared and packaged 5 days ago.

Then you buy vitamins and supplements to try and keep healthy too and you are looking at upwards of $8 per bottle. And  then every fad diet has its own branded "specially formulated" pill to take, so everyone jumping on that bandwagon is going to buy that pill which chances are has nothing more than a multivitamin or the equivalent of a Flintstones Children's Chewable but in a fancy flashy package.

At day 3 of me getting back out on the trails and doing my walking, and looking at the mountain of vitamin bottles and supplements that I am taking. Im just thinking of how much weight my wallet is losing in the pursuit of me losing weight. 

Regardless of where I purchase my supplements (mostly Dollar Tree) it still adds up. But what do you do? Got to keep pushing on right?

Starting over again - getting back to walking

So today I started walking again. And it was really nice to be able to get up and get out and move like god damn I feel all of those days and months of inactivity since having the kidney stone. 

I just want to get back to being able to walk like I used to when I was doing two or three miles day and only being winded like toward the end of that two and a half mile marker I wanna be able to get out and start walking daily. 

I'm so sick and tired of just being winded doing the simplest things. And it really sucks because I used to be able to just get up and go and I looked forward to doing my walk for the day and there were days where I even did walks twice a day. And now I'm dreading even trying to do one walk a day. 

I'm not going to force myself into doing anything else of our major maybe starting off doing Monday Wednesday Friday type of schedule and then eventually building up to adding in Tuesdays and Thursdays. But you know they say determination is the key factor and I'm hoping that I don't lose that key again. Going on 41 and feeling like I'm in my 90s is not fun. 

I still have a lot of life left in me at least 30 something years by my account. So I don't really know what the point of this whole post is except for two chronicle that I'm going to start trying again. Something I should have started back up moments after falling ill and getting better. 

So hopefully whatever God happens to watch over us will continue to give me the strength perseverance and fortitude to continue to move forward and to lose the weight and become a healthier version of the person I am now. 

I mean I've done it before I should be able to do it again right? 

Remotely dealing with an aging parent

Its tough when you have to deal with a loved one being in the hospital. No matter what your relationship with that person may or may not be. Over the last week and a half, I have been dealing with my biological mother being in the hospital and drama of all that entails.

It started with a phone call a few weeks ago "your mom isn't doing to well" and went from there. For any of you who watch my YouTube videos, or have read any of my past updates, you will know that I have a strained but functional relationship with my biological mother.

My whole life I collected mother figures, and have never really considered my birth mother to really be my "mom". Nevertheless, I still don't really want to see her hurt, or being taken advantage of. So to get a random call out of the blue making blanketed statements about her and her health, really didn't surprise me. This considering that she has habitually used meth my entire life and probably for a long period of time prior to that. That in my 40yrs on this earth, I have only known her to maybe be sober from about 91-96. And even then I can not state my life on it. This is the woman that when I was 16yrs old, decided to chose drugs over me. To chose the drug dealer, whom I knew and was friendly acquaintances with. Not that I used drugs, but those who I chummed around with as a teen did. The man who I would watch snort up an entire 8-Ball of speed to wake up, and to go to sleep with. A man who when he wasn't smoking or snorting meth, was drinking 40's and partying with my friends uncle. A man that she married, on the heels of telling me that I was unwanted, unloved, and a mistake, should I not back her on her feelings and wanting's. A woman, who would go several long years without so much as a phone call. A woman who missed birthdays, holidays, and my high school graduation. 

So to say that there is love loss there is a bit of a dead fish in water. Its not that I dont love her, I just dont love this woman who I've come to know over the last 30 something years of my life. 
She was never the kind loving mother that television shows would make a mother out to be. Never the one to kiss a boo boo, or to readily tell you that she was proud of or that she loved you. Those were after thoughts. Like a period at the end of a sentence. like a child being reminded of "what do we say".
So it bewilders me that I would put in the amount of effort that I have making sure that all of her medical is taken care of. That she has a whole new doctor, and a doctors appointment set up for when she gets out of the hospital. But perhaps its my "fixing" nature. Perhaps its my way of trying to punish myself yet again in hopes that she will stay on the pathway that has been foraged for her. But logical mind knows better, but the heart still screams for this non-existent hope. Logic tells me daily, do not overly involve yourself, its going to blow up in your face. She's only going to do what she needs right this moment to keep her needs met.

The ultimate fear is that somehow, some way, she is going to be brought closer to my little Edan. That her poison is going to infect everything that I have struggled to create and grow. That my past, where I was Her son, awakens, and somehow her transgressions now become the crown that I bare. That those who dont know Her son, will pass judgement upon me, regardless of the years of knowing the person that I present myself to be. That her darkness will cloud an already cloudy day, and seep into every crevasse of a life that I built. I left "California" behind me. I tried to become someone new. Only to have "California" constantly on the horizon, like the sword of Damocles hanging over my head.
But one shouldn't feel this way about a mother. Yet this is what I fear. Having her back in close proximity to my fragile ecosphere. Thinking about what my exit plan would be, should she somehow darken my doorstep. Where is it that I would run this time? Where is it that would have me? That I could restart yet again?

So while other aspects of my life are good. There are those that I am trying to keep separated. Only to have real family drama unfolding in another part of my life. Trying to keep the ones that truly matter to me from falling apart, and to try and find the right words to speak, as to not cause the fault lines to further fracture. To not burden anyone else with my own problems, and my own short comings. Trying to be the rock, when my foundation at any given moment is build on a bed of quicksand. So it makes me thankful for those moments where I am not battling my own mental health. For should all of this be happening while im typically at my lowest, this would not be good. 

So I put on a strong brave face. I continue to be the "carefree" person that everyone expects, when just behind the mask, im screaming in silence and crying to the point of dehydration. But as long as the outer shell appears fine, then the dance can go on. 

2021 in Review

 As we count down the last remaining hours of 2021 I find myself reflecting over the last 365. I am reminded of the people who have left my life, as well as those who have come into it. The strain some relationships have undergone, and the strengthening of others.

I look back to just a few weeks ago when my depression was at a 30 on a scale of 0 - 10 and how shitty things felt and how hopeless I was. It seems like each depressive episode is getting harder and harder to pull out of. Perhaps I need a change of scenery, or to take some type of medication?
Its my familiar ties that anchor me to where I am at. The hatred of packing it all up and going. The destabilization of my roots to be transplanted in new soil in hopes of growing. Younger me craved such adventure. But as I approach my 41st year on this rock, I find that I am beginning to want less and less adventure, and just want safety and serenity. 

I look at late January of 2021 going into February when I was doing well on my walking, having had lost some weight, and feeling good about myself and then developing a kidney stone (of which I hope that was the first and last time that shit ever happens) to where I am now with my health. I allowed the ease of not doing to become my daily bread and butter. Where before, by 9am I had already walked 3 miles, come home and felt great about myself, and then by 6pm had gone out and walked another mile or two. Now being winded walking from my bedroom to the mailbox.
I hate myself for allowing this to transpire. But depression and health issues will do that. I look at my life and try to find where it made that "left turn at Albuquerque" instead of going the direction I had hoped it would. I recall as a  young teenager, thinking about how my life would be. I could see myself working at some Fortune 500 company in Marketing and Advertising. Being part of the Glam-arati and having a large home and flying home to visit with my parents and sister once a month or so. Not a depressed, fat, diabetic no body. 
But I have made peace with the cards that have been dealt to me, either by a rigged deck, or by my own decisions. And I fully admit that in some cases I held myself back, and didnt chase after some idea or yearning that I had. And maybe that is how things got off track? That I questioned myself instead of taking that leap of faith? But either way, im pretty sure that Ive got maybe another 30 - 35 years or so left (if the mortality rate of the males in my family are any indication) that I can maybe do at least one or two more things. Most have bucket lists and at this point I just have a fuck it list. Will I ever get to go to the UK? Probably not....FUCK IT! Will I get to go to Disneyland again? Probably not...FUCK IT! You know a "fuck it" list. 

But with all the ups and downs that 2020 and 2021 have given us. With the pandemic and which ever side of the coin you land on. We can all just agree, that we are doing the best we can, and to expect anything more than that is just, well, extra. 

So as you go into this new year, dont drag the mud of the last year into it. Forgive, make peace, reconnect with yourself and your higher power, whatever that looks like for you. And grab your new year by the balls and fuck it up!

Depression - what its like

 

The last week or so has really kicked me in the balls. My depression has been at a 14 where it has been typically at about a 5.
It suck when your brain turns against you, and you know that its "not as bad as it seems" but yet you can not break free of the crippling sadness that holds you in place. You overthink, over analyze everything that is said to you, has been said to you, or could be said to you. You feel as if you are nothing in a whole world of something. Like you are just taking up space, and in everyone's way. Like you are their own personal cross to bare and that by saying anything about how you are feeling at the moment would only cause them to drown, so you let them stand on your shoulders with all of their BS while you suffocate under the weight of your own feelings of doubt, and inadequacy. You try to be there for everyone but yourself, because helping others helps you slightly forget about all of your pain and suffering. 
Then you take to social media, and you see what others are posting, and you relate it to conversations that you had with those people earlier in the week. Your depression and the darkness that it lives in, echo each typed word you read, as if it is a direct attack on you. That every word has a wealth of meaning behind it. You picture the people typing it, doing so with you in mind. And this could be the case, or this could all be fiction. But you hold back asking for clarity because you are afraid of the answer. Yet somehow the feeling of sorrow, and anxiety and the pain of it all is easier to deal with then hearing with your own ear the inflection and convictions of someone actually saying those things to you. So you do you best to brush it off and tell your rational self that its got nothing to do with you. Yet those dark echo's tell you otherwise.

You find no comfort in things that usually bring you some small ray of happiness. You go throughout your daily motions because your programming will not allow for you to miss a day of painfully smiling and joking, even though inside you are dying, and crying out for help. The darkness holds those words at bay, and puts on a mask of normality and makes you say things that are not true, because really who wants to be bothered with your problems right?
How are your trivial problems to measure up to someone who has real issues? And why should others care about you, even though whenever you post or hint at something being wrong on social media their outpouring of support is topically there, but in reality "thoughts and prayers" is the same as "shut up" and just as stinging. 
So you lay awake night after night, watching the marching shadows dance across your walls, from one side to the other. You dont reach out any more, only to find that it seems as if no one actually cares at all. Or you get mixed signals. People reach out to you, but only for a moment and then its back to radio silence and that voice. That horrid, cold, distantly and strangely welcoming voice speaks up "see, they dont really care about you, just seeing if they need to bare you yet another day" and then the little progress you made to getting back to happy is gone. You once again have been seduced by those horrible words. That poetry of lies. The heaviness weighs you down again. Its like a warm embrace from a lover. It hurts so good. You look at the myriad of  prescriptions within arms reach, and the cold sharp things even closer. You wonder. You scheme. You daydream. You think of how easy it would be to slip away and leave them with the pain of your passing, if there would be any true pain, and not the obligatory kind and "thought provoking" words said in your absence. You know, those "I wish that they would have reached out to me" and things like that. When chances are they were part of the ingredients that added to that final supper. That their actions are what turned bad into worse. Or that you tried reaching out to people, only to have your sadness throwing into your face or callous words like "others have it way worse" or "you have nothing to be sad about" or "just put on your big boy/girl panties and deal with it" or "you are in control of your emotions, so just man up and deal with shit you are an adult not a kid anymore." All words of kindness, all words of love, all words that inspire hope, no?

Doesn't matter what the teams of medical professionals have said about you and your "conditions" as long as you "buck up" and dance in choreographed movements with what is acceptable for their world and for the societal standards. You are not allowed to burden others with any emotion other than happy, and on occasion anger. You are never ever to answer truthfully when others ask "how are you" you have to give the canned robotic "Im doing well and yourself" and never leading in with more pressing questions or things that would over extend the topical salutations of "good" and keep it moving. Because "time is money" and because you are "worthless" you have no value, so therefor you can not have my time. So then once again comes the dulling of the colors, that bitter voice from within the shadows, and all the nuances that go with being "good" and keeping it moving. 
No one celebrates seeing you the next day. No one acknowledges your invisible war, nor does any wish to see those scars, both visible and not. Only judgement that they will give, is in how you act at that moment they interact with you. If you fall out of sync with their timed dance, and offend their sensitive natures, then you are shunned yet again. They are so quick to see all the flaws that you cover with the makeup of humor and out going personality. They are so quick to say the key phrases, that like Alibaba's command, opens the floodgates that just barely holds everything in. 

How is it that we give so much power to people, that with an almost effortless gesture, they can build our whole world or destroy it within a second. How is it that they've gained so much sway? Why is it that they wield it so carelessly, like a toddler with a gun. Why is it that their words invoke love, pain, or wrath? How did we become such creatures that need these interactions and crave their presence?  

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