2021 in Review

 As we count down the last remaining hours of 2021 I find myself reflecting over the last 365. I am reminded of the people who have left my life, as well as those who have come into it. The strain some relationships have undergone, and the strengthening of others.

I look back to just a few weeks ago when my depression was at a 30 on a scale of 0 - 10 and how shitty things felt and how hopeless I was. It seems like each depressive episode is getting harder and harder to pull out of. Perhaps I need a change of scenery, or to take some type of medication?
Its my familiar ties that anchor me to where I am at. The hatred of packing it all up and going. The destabilization of my roots to be transplanted in new soil in hopes of growing. Younger me craved such adventure. But as I approach my 41st year on this rock, I find that I am beginning to want less and less adventure, and just want safety and serenity. 

I look at late January of 2021 going into February when I was doing well on my walking, having had lost some weight, and feeling good about myself and then developing a kidney stone (of which I hope that was the first and last time that shit ever happens) to where I am now with my health. I allowed the ease of not doing to become my daily bread and butter. Where before, by 9am I had already walked 3 miles, come home and felt great about myself, and then by 6pm had gone out and walked another mile or two. Now being winded walking from my bedroom to the mailbox.
I hate myself for allowing this to transpire. But depression and health issues will do that. I look at my life and try to find where it made that "left turn at Albuquerque" instead of going the direction I had hoped it would. I recall as a  young teenager, thinking about how my life would be. I could see myself working at some Fortune 500 company in Marketing and Advertising. Being part of the Glam-arati and having a large home and flying home to visit with my parents and sister once a month or so. Not a depressed, fat, diabetic no body. 
But I have made peace with the cards that have been dealt to me, either by a rigged deck, or by my own decisions. And I fully admit that in some cases I held myself back, and didnt chase after some idea or yearning that I had. And maybe that is how things got off track? That I questioned myself instead of taking that leap of faith? But either way, im pretty sure that Ive got maybe another 30 - 35 years or so left (if the mortality rate of the males in my family are any indication) that I can maybe do at least one or two more things. Most have bucket lists and at this point I just have a fuck it list. Will I ever get to go to the UK? Probably not....FUCK IT! Will I get to go to Disneyland again? Probably not...FUCK IT! You know a "fuck it" list. 

But with all the ups and downs that 2020 and 2021 have given us. With the pandemic and which ever side of the coin you land on. We can all just agree, that we are doing the best we can, and to expect anything more than that is just, well, extra. 

So as you go into this new year, dont drag the mud of the last year into it. Forgive, make peace, reconnect with yourself and your higher power, whatever that looks like for you. And grab your new year by the balls and fuck it up!