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It suck when your brain turns against you, and you know that its "not as bad as it seems" but yet you can not break free of the crippling sadness that holds you in place. You overthink, over analyze everything that is said to you, has been said to you, or could be said to you. You feel as if you are nothing in a whole world of something. Like you are just taking up space, and in everyone's way. Like you are their own personal cross to bare and that by saying anything about how you are feeling at the moment would only cause them to drown, so you let them stand on your shoulders with all of their BS while you suffocate under the weight of your own feelings of doubt, and inadequacy. You try to be there for everyone but yourself, because helping others helps you slightly forget about all of your pain and suffering.
Then you take to social media, and you see what others are posting, and you relate it to conversations that you had with those people earlier in the week. Your depression and the darkness that it lives in, echo each typed word you read, as if it is a direct attack on you. That every word has a wealth of meaning behind it. You picture the people typing it, doing so with you in mind. And this could be the case, or this could all be fiction. But you hold back asking for clarity because you are afraid of the answer. Yet somehow the feeling of sorrow, and anxiety and the pain of it all is easier to deal with then hearing with your own ear the inflection and convictions of someone actually saying those things to you. So you do you best to brush it off and tell your rational self that its got nothing to do with you. Yet those dark echo's tell you otherwise.
You find no comfort in things that usually bring you some small ray of happiness. You go throughout your daily motions because your programming will not allow for you to miss a day of painfully smiling and joking, even though inside you are dying, and crying out for help. The darkness holds those words at bay, and puts on a mask of normality and makes you say things that are not true, because really who wants to be bothered with your problems right?
How are your trivial problems to measure up to someone who has real issues? And why should others care about you, even though whenever you post or hint at something being wrong on social media their outpouring of support is topically there, but in reality "thoughts and prayers" is the same as "shut up" and just as stinging.
So you lay awake night after night, watching the marching shadows dance across your walls, from one side to the other. You dont reach out any more, only to find that it seems as if no one actually cares at all. Or you get mixed signals. People reach out to you, but only for a moment and then its back to radio silence and that voice. That horrid, cold, distantly and strangely welcoming voice speaks up "see, they dont really care about you, just seeing if they need to bare you yet another day" and then the little progress you made to getting back to happy is gone. You once again have been seduced by those horrible words. That poetry of lies. The heaviness weighs you down again. Its like a warm embrace from a lover. It hurts so good. You look at the myriad of prescriptions within arms reach, and the cold sharp things even closer. You wonder. You scheme. You daydream. You think of how easy it would be to slip away and leave them with the pain of your passing, if there would be any true pain, and not the obligatory kind and "thought provoking" words said in your absence. You know, those "I wish that they would have reached out to me" and things like that. When chances are they were part of the ingredients that added to that final supper. That their actions are what turned bad into worse. Or that you tried reaching out to people, only to have your sadness throwing into your face or callous words like "others have it way worse" or "you have nothing to be sad about" or "just put on your big boy/girl panties and deal with it" or "you are in control of your emotions, so just man up and deal with shit you are an adult not a kid anymore." All words of kindness, all words of love, all words that inspire hope, no?
Doesn't matter what the teams of medical professionals have said about you and your "conditions" as long as you "buck up" and dance in choreographed movements with what is acceptable for their world and for the societal standards. You are not allowed to burden others with any emotion other than happy, and on occasion anger. You are never ever to answer truthfully when others ask "how are you" you have to give the canned robotic "Im doing well and yourself" and never leading in with more pressing questions or things that would over extend the topical salutations of "good" and keep it moving. Because "time is money" and because you are "worthless" you have no value, so therefor you can not have my time. So then once again comes the dulling of the colors, that bitter voice from within the shadows, and all the nuances that go with being "good" and keeping it moving.
No one celebrates seeing you the next day. No one acknowledges your invisible war, nor does any wish to see those scars, both visible and not. Only judgement that they will give, is in how you act at that moment they interact with you. If you fall out of sync with their timed dance, and offend their sensitive natures, then you are shunned yet again. They are so quick to see all the flaws that you cover with the makeup of humor and out going personality. They are so quick to say the key phrases, that like Alibaba's command, opens the floodgates that just barely holds everything in.
How is it that we give so much power to people, that with an almost effortless gesture, they can build our whole world or destroy it within a second. How is it that they've gained so much sway? Why is it that they wield it so carelessly, like a toddler with a gun. Why is it that their words invoke love, pain, or wrath? How did we become such creatures that need these interactions and crave their presence?
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