Hello Cupcake It's Me new App for Android

I just wanted to inform you that I have  created a new Android App called Hello Cupcake It's Me Follower. What this App does is puts all of Hellocupcakeitsme.com at your finger tips. So now you are able to connect to all of my content on FaceBook, YouTube, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, and the blog, all from your mobile device.

Another feature of this app is that it also doubles as a fully functional web browser. So not only are you connected directly to my entire social media, but you can also browse your favorite sites. Still even better yet, this app is really small and phone friendly.



[caption id="attachment_3043" align="alignright" width="196"] Scan this to download[/caption]

You have the 6 Insta-Tap™ social icons, and then below them you have your URL address bar. Please Install this great app and provide me with your feedback. You can scan the QR Code or use this link Click Here to Download.

 

Download the .apk file directly from here

 

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Vacation and Family Time

So recently my mom came to stay with me and it was the very first time that she has since I have moved out of the house. A few years ago before my dad got really sick and passed on I had asked that they come and see me, but they were not able to at the time. So getting to see my mom in my new stomping grounds was kinda cool. First it was my brother who only stayed with me for a day and then was off exploring the Olympic National Forest with his girlfriend. But my mom came and stayed with me for a full week.

At first I was really nervous because I had never been to Seattle on my own, let alone to SeaTac Airport. So that was a learning experience. Having to navigate the busy streets of Seattle and Pikes Place Market just to get to the Light Rail was an adventure all of its own. I have never taken the train to the airport so I didn’t know the first thing about finding it let alone how to ride it. But after I asked a few questions, I was able to find it and get to the airport a few hours before she arrived.

It was kind weird and normal all at the same time having her here. It was like she just fit right in and everything was cool. With my brother it was a bit surreal, but not with her. I really enjoyed playing tour guide and showing her around Northern Washington. For one of our trips we went to Forks, WA. and La Push, WA. and did the unofficial “Twilight” trip. Actually there was a tour guide in Forks that would have taken us around but it was a 3hr tour, and well having been a fan of Gilligan’s Island, didn’t sound like we should chance it lol. But Forks was very disappointing to say the very least. You blinked and you were through the town.

As we were driving along going to La Push, we saw a lot of the influences of the Twilight movies as there were signs saying “No Vampires beyond this point” and “Wolf Den’s” on a motel, and “Jacob Blacks Grandpa lives here” sign on a house by the beach.

It was just really amazing to me how breath taking that whole area is. I am not really amazed by Washington’s beauty anymore as I have come to expect it every time I walk out the door. Not to say that I don’t find it beautiful anymore.

Where the vacation part plays in for me is that I took some time off from my ‘job’ to just spend time with her and enjoy the fact that I had someone to do something with. I was really beginning to feel worn out just because I was working so much, and just trying to make as much money as I could so that I had some cash on hand when she came up. Well moms being mom’s I wasn’t allowed to open my wallet LOL. So I must say it was really nice having her here and getting to show her the beautiful sights of Washington. Now its going to be a matter of getting back into my daily habits and reluctantly going back to work :(

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Small steps…Right direction

I don’t know what it is. it seems like the last few weeks I have really tried to become independent but it also feels like I have become even more dependent. You see for the last couple of weeks I have tried being completely on my own, and not rely on anyone for help. I have kinda accomplished this but at the same time no.

This month has been a month of learning and growing. I have learned that I DO need people in my life, but I have also learned that if I push myself I can do things on my own as well. I have always been a dependent person in one way or another. I have never really had to do things for myself and live with the consequences of my actions, because there has always been someone there to fix whatever I messed up. At first I thought that my pulling away from everyone was just me sinking into depression and just cutting myself off. But as the days went by and I started having to fend for myself and figure my own shit out, I realized that it was me actually DOING for myself for the first time EVER.

Sure I’ve had roommates and things like that in the past, but that was just another form of someone taking care of me or watching over me. July has been a very eye opening month and I must say its been good. I still want people in my life doing things for me, and I still do to a certain degree. I have noticed though that where before if I didn’t have them I would spiral into a vortex of depression and woe, but now its like ok so this person cant/wont help me right now, fine I will do it on my own. It really is a new experience.

Being a Pisces I have that need to be connected and coddled, and being on the cusp of Aries I have that fiery rage that sometimes keeps people at bay or even chases them away. It is something that I have learned to deal with  my whole life. The need to be smothered and the wanting to be alone. It’s a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. But for the most part its more positive than negative as of late.

The one thing that I noticed however, is that as I am going through this self metamorphosis is that I am seeking out new experiences. I am taking small steps to realizing some of my goals. I wanted to open up a small home business doing spiritual advising, and I had my first client come over the other day and it was nice. I want to continue that trend. I love the feeling I got from having them come over and being able to be relaxed as well as hospitable and enjoying myself.

I honestly don’t know what the point of this post is other than the fact that I havent updated in a while and have a bunch on my mind. But there it is.

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All over the place

The last month or so I have really just been all over the place with my thoughts and emotions and creativity. I recently started a new side business called Olympic Vape, which is a home based business that specializes in making E-Juice for E-Cigarettes.

It all came to me a few months ago when I was asked to do a product review for Vapourlites which is a UK based company who sells liquids for electronic cigarettes. Well I had began seeing this new form of smoking popping up everywhere and decided that I wanted to take a shot at it, and thus Olympic Vape was born. Since then I have been working hard at developing a product that is high quality and cheap to manufacture.

I also have been working on my health and trying to get things back on track with that. As some of you may or may not know I have Low T (low testosterone) as well is Hypogonadism, Diabetes, Depression, PTSD, Bipolar, and a few other wonderful fancy words. So because of my Low T I have had to go in bi-weekly and get an injection in my butt which has been less than thrilling. The first week I had it done it hurt like hell. Not the initial shot itself but my pants touching the injection site and then rolling over and hitting it just right at night, NO FUN. So with having taking these shots, my T level is back where it needs to be and I really havent noticed much except for changes in my restroom activities (and i will leave it at that…)
The other thing I’ve been battling with is my damn blood sugar. There were about 3 days that my glucose levels were just at extremes, I was either to high or to low, no happy medium. Well with my sugars taking me on a rollercoaster ride, I did nothing but sleep and eat ibuprofen to try and control the migraines that came along with it. Im trying to monitor what I eat, not really dieting, but just trying to keep from constantly eating like I normally would. I don’t produce the hormone that tells you that your full, so I am constantly hungry. Because of this it contributes to my obesity.

So this is what has been happening behind the scenes. I haven't made any new videos in a while for the YouTube channel and I know I need to do that more often. But yes this is what's going on in my life as of late. I will try and keep every one updated as I go. I have about 8 weeks more with the T shots, at which point we are going to look at my over all health again and see where to focus on next.

Related articles

• Vaping Or My Life Without Tobacco (ismygeekshowing.wordpress.com)
• Smart Tips For Finding Products (zohrbak.com)
• Call To Action: FreeToVape.org (ismygeekshowing.wordpress.com)

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Eyebuydirect.com GREATEST VALUE for glasses

Hey everyone if you need glasses go to this link http://www.eyebuydirect.com/228428 they are super cheap and excellent quality. They are where I buy all my glasses from. And if you enter in promo code freeshipping you don't pay shipping on standard shipping. I just got a new pair for $11.00 using the promo code.

I have told you all about these wonderful people time and time again. I just find myself using them more and more due to the amazing quality and service I get from there. I am not usually one of those people who just go about bragging on services and things but I really do love them.
I had to have my biannual diabetic eye check up, and even with my insurance I was going to have to come up with $40 just to cover my glasses. I asked my optometrist for my prescription including my pupil distance and then used it over at Eyebuydirect.com and found a pair of glasses with anti-scratch and UV for $11.00 including shipping. Where else can you get a great deal like that?

The cheapest way I have found to get your eyes examined and get glasses typically for under $100 is by going to Wal-Mart Vision Centers getting their $50-$89 eye exam and then buying your glasses here. And if you wait for the back to school sales you can sometimes get BOGO sales on your glasses, and get your eye testing done even cheaper. 

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The Hands of Time

The Hands of Time 

by M. Peterson

Hands of time need not be those of a clock

Gazing upon my hands, once youthful, vibrant, lively 

Now show the progression of age

The slow decrepity that has begun to make itself to home

Lost am I whilst I look upon them

Youthful heart and mind, yet bodily decline

Imprisoned in a tomb of mortal creation

No bars to its windows just blurred vision

Sharp mind and tongue behind elder tooth

Tight skin now sagging furrowed brow now lightened

Tall poise now a hunched slouch

No greek would carve this form from marble

Nor chip any fine stone to preserve

No poetic sonna spake in rhymed verse to commend

No brush to canvas to suspend

Long twiney fringer curve and bend

Knees pop crackle when bend

Herculean strength gone without a trace

Helplessness beckoned to croned side

Yet who sees this form for what it once was,

Now collector of antiqued dust

Some olding thing once prized

Slowly faded as some forgotten artifact in a daily museum

Who sees past these shallow years to the soul that withers

Who sees the silent memories fade

Who speaks to relics

Who mores the luster, save I

Who accounts the long marrowed hours, while the world revolves

Upon gossamer memorandum this humble vessel stands

Awaiting crawling things to soon ascend

To take flesh and bone to mother again

What root or tangled vine shall spring from death sublime

Will it be some pretty thing plucked by reapers scythe

Or some gnarled shrubbery

Who knows but the hands of time.

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Purposely silent

It isn’t because I have had nothing to say the reason there was a gap in my posting from 4/27 to 5/19 it was a silent tribute to my father. I wrote the long but heartfelt tribute to him and I just wanted it to linger for awhile before that post became buried in the digital archive.
So with that being said, its time for me to play catch up. As many of you know, I attend counseling sessions at least 2-3 times a month. Well due to mismanagement of funds, and other interoffice drama, my mental health provider *the only one for the county* has been really dropping the ball lately and causing massive problems and confusion. So I haven’t had a session for almost a month, until the other day. I had felt like I was back in the old days before I started seeking ‘professional’ help. I was dealing with things on my own again. Battling demons, and just reflecting inward, just trying to make sense of all the emotions that I have.

I am also a bit stressed out (but in the best way possible) due to the fact that I have family coming to visit me in June. My house is in a constant resting state of chaos, and clutter. It isnt bad enough to have a TV show but isnt neatly put together for comfortable entertaining either. And it isnt like I don’t have the room or the want for this visit, but it’s the lack of energy to put it all together and make it nice and neat for them that I don’t have. So im hoping that by some divine will that I am able to get things put in order well enough to have them feel comfortable enough to visit and want to stay, so they wont have to get a motel room.

Along with that I have been immersing myself in arts and crafts again, and trying to spark up a new business making E-Cigarette Liquid (aka E-Juice) which is not as hard as one might think to make, but what is hard is the waiting for supplies to be shipped. I long for the time where you push buy on a webpage and with in minutes its at your door.
But that is neither here nor there right now. I have made a few liquids and have passed them on to a few friends to do a test market of sorts. So for right now I am still in the ‘developing’ phase of my new enterprise.

So for now this is what has been going on in my world in a nutshell with a few things omitted for time and readability.

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One year ago today-a tribute to my father

One year ago today my father passed into the next life. Leaving me and my mother behind. He was a good strong man, who worked hard pretty much every day of his life. A good man who had a heart of gold, but a fiery temper that he loosed upon those who angered him.

He would bend over backwards to help a friend. He was always quick to impart his advice (sometimes even if it wasn’t wanted.) He had faults like everyone in this world, but he was his own worse enemy. He was not a diplomatic person, often speaking before thinking, and later beating himself up over what had been said in haste. But he was my father, a man that I looked up to, even if I never told him. He use to get on me because I was an emotional rock, and would never really show emotions and get overly happy or sad about things.

It wasn’t because I cant or don’t have emotions, but he never understood my being bipolar.And when I did express emotions it was always in extremes and never in moderation.

I never doubted that he loved me, though there were times when I would wish that he was able to show me differently than what he did. But he only ever wanted for my happiness and for my success in life. Both of which I sometimes fear I will let him down in. But I try my hardest to push on, and to take to heart the things that he did teach me and tell me. I remember back on all the good and the bad times. And to have him for just an hour, even five minutes would be more than I would ever be worthy of.

I will admit that I am still kind of bitter at the fact that he is no longer around. And thinking about the things that we still had to say to each other, the things I wanted us to do. But well between his health, and the distance between where we live, kept that from happening.
My one wish was for him to come and visit me the year before he got really sick. I begged and pleaded with him, but I know he couldn’t have made the trip. Hind sight being 20/20 I probably should have gone to see him.

I found myself the other day correcting some teen who was giving their parents shit. I told them “you need to cherish them, you never know how much longer you are going to have them. I remember saying some of the same things to my dad, and now that he is gone I would take it all back and give up 20yrs of my life just for him to have 10 more.” I don’t think it really sank in the gravity of what I said, being that I was saying it to a teenager probably not. I know had someone said that to me as a teen I probably would have taken it to heart, but well I was very mature for my age too.

It is my hope that I can be half of the man that he was. It really wasn’t until his funeral that I realized the scope of this mans life. I saw and met people from his past that he talked about almost daily. Putting faces to the stories that I had committed to memory really brought to life the everything that he had told me.
People all came up to me and lamented stories of he great character and hard work and the good hearted deeds he under took in helping them when they were in need. He very first boss that he ever had when he moved from Santa Anna to Desert Shores was there. People who he had worked for and with all showed up. Listening to the heart filled stories everyone shared, and the strength he inspired was just a golden testament to his life.



I just hope that I have that much impact on peoples lives. That people from every stage of my life will show up and tell tales both good and bad and in between of my time with them and impart some happiness in a time of sorrow.
It really is hard to believe its been a year. It seems so much longer, and shorter all at the same time. His passing did do one thing for me though. It brought me and my brother, and mother closer together. So if a positive must be found I guess it could be in that. But still its hard. I have a voicemail that I have tried to save of him wishing me a happy birthday a month before his passing. I hope I never lose it. I keep a necklace with his ashes in it, around my neck at all times. Probably one of the most loved pieces of jewelry that I own, and I have my mom to thank for finding it.



So even though today is going to be hard on me to get through it, I will still be happy for the time that I had with him. For the lessons learned. For the memories we made. And whenever I miss him to much all I need to do is look in the mirror and I can see him looking back.

I know he is in a better place, with my grandmother and grandfather. His brother, and his best friend. And someday maybe I will see him again, but hopefully not to soon. And if I ever have children, I hope to be 1/10 the dad he was to me.

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To much…not enough

So sleeping seems to be eluding me as of late, and when I finally am able to fall asleep I go into a deep coma of weird dreams and strange visions that are likened to that of Alice in Wonderland on acid.

So instead of actually sleeping what do I do? Well I lay awake and think about all the things that I would like to do, and what I need to do, and stress over how to get them done. Then I start recalling every fight I have had, every struggle I have had, every mean and horrible thing that has ever been said or done to me, and then in true bipolar/ptsd fashion I obsess over it by then thinking about what I should have done/said at the time, which just gets me worked up, and the cycle continues until I mentally exhaust myself.

Then in the morning I typically either wake up feeling ‘ok’ or so damned drained that all I want to do is sleep the whole freakin day away (which is what typically happens.) I really do hate the ups and downs of being bipolar, and having sleepless nights and insomnia. I know part of the being constantly tired is due to being diabetic, and I get that. But I have no idea where the sleeplessness comes from. Which you would expect to be a total contradiction due to the fact that one disease makes you tired but the other one keeps you awake. So many days I feel like a zombie, or I can function for several hours, take a nap, and then continue on. Some days I try to power through without a nap and those are the days where im just kinda blah.

Well today is one of those days where I wasn’t able to get out of bed all day. I was able to get up maybe 3 times. One of the 3 times I forced myself to go out side and do some yard work, after which I came back in and died in bed. So in total I spent maybe 14hrs in bed today. Woot for being productive.

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Week of learning

So another week has come and passed. It has been a decent week. A week that I feel has been fulfilling and just pleasant. I have had a few up’s and downs, and have helped some people through hard times, and been the ear of confidence and just someone to turn to. I have heard the woeful tales of a relationship that may end, the heart breaking news of a friend passing. The moments of joy and sadness that seem to blend. I have found new ambitions, and new desires. I have found a resolve within me that I thought was dead, though it may still take a while for it to be fully realized. But I feel the flicker of warmth where a fire may soon be. There are still many baby steps that I need to take, but the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.You see, nightly I listen to the broken hearted, the over worked, and the lonely tell me their stories and their woes. Opening up to me because they need answers. So I divine their fates, and tell them a story, of what could be, and what is to be. Sometimes they heed my warnings and advice others they don’t. Helping others helps me. I find in their day to day lives the answer that I seek in mine. I am not able to see my life as I do others, but I see in them the situations that I am dealing with and by advising them I am advising myself.
Much like Alice before she drank from the bottle to go through the door “…I am simply giving myself some good advice” However, I find it more of a direct connection to the universe and that my words are not only the fortunes that I must tell others but within are fragmented truths and answers that seem to fit into my life as well.

Health, Home, Happiness…These are the 3 H’s that I am working on. In order to live a good life one must be fairly healthy. This means that I need to start working on being more healthy. I have begun to take vitamins and trying to keep my sugars within range. Home, every day I do something different in my home to clean it or organize it so that it looks better day by day. Happiness, I am finding that by doing the first two that the third is falling into place. After these I intend on working on Me, Myself, and I.
I know this sounds selfish but really its more about being the best me I can be. Me, I need to start doing more for me. I need to be good to me, and take care of me. Myself, I need to be honest with myself, and discipline myself, motivate myself, and challenge myself. I, I need to be a better friend, I need to revisit some of the things I liked to do but don’t any more. I want to be more creative and artistic.

So as this week draws to a close and Monday opens the doors for a new week I just look back at the growth that has happened the last few days and pray to the gods that this next week will be just as inspiring, and fulfilling and fun.

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One Step forward…two steps back

I am feeling like im not making to much progress in my life right now. I have undergone this change in which I am trying to clean and organize things in my life. But it seems like every time I make the slightest bit of progress, I back slide. I have resolved to try and keep moving forward regardless of personal self sabotage.

I have a goal in mind and though it seems like nothing to many people for me it’s a large step. I want to eventually have my home nice and clean and put together so that I can start having people over, and it look nice and organized. I also have been lacking on my updates both here on the blog and the YouTube channel but well I cant do it all at the same time and have to allocate my energies. My over all end result is that by this time next year, I am hoping to have everything in place to maybe start dating again. Which is something else that I am struggling with.

I have been single and celibate for almost 10 years now, and where I am happy being on my own, I am finding that there is a lack in my life that may be filled by having someone there. Another one of my projects that I am hoping on beginning is writing. I have wanted to author a book for a long time and feel that I may be at a point here very soon to start scribing those pages. However, I am not sure the topic as of yet. I am not sure if I want to write some fiction, a self help book, a new age inspired book, or what.
I have been inspired lately so I guess I should take that inspiration and run with it. Might be something that I can co-author, I don’t know. But with the world of desktop publishing and e-reader’s and the like, it shouldn’t be to hard to get published. No the hard part is the resolve and dedication and the focus to actually bang out a book.

Well for fear of rambling I am going to stop here for now.

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Contents under pressure

For the last week and a half I have felt like I am under a ton of pressure. Not like stress or work related but emotional pressure. I have just had a ton of things land on me and cause me grief. I have fought with my family, gone to dark places in my mental health and so much more. Being bipolar and suffering from massive manic depression it can be a rollercoaster to say the least.
There are members of my family who don’t understand the mental anguish that they cause and if they do then they just don’t care which I think might even be worse.
But when I say that I am in a dark place it means that thoughts of hurting myself or suicide have come to mind. Thinking that ‘maybe if I just hurt myself, maybe then they’ll notice’ but that is really not good thinking and looking at that statement now that im not manic at the moment, I realize that its like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Its just not good for me to be that upset. I know I have blogged about being depressed and stuff like that at times, but its just something that I deal with daily. Yes I do take medication for it, but sometimes the meds lose out to the biologically illogical.

My one wish would be to make everyone understand how bad it can/does get, and that many times im not being a jerk its just that im having emotional overload and cant function correctly. I don’t know how else to put it. But really outside of being depressions bitch, I have been otherwise pretty well. No major health problems, which is always a good thing. I did a more kinda ‘in-depth’ video on YouTube about it. So if you want to see it head over to the channel. Anyways hope all is well with the rest of you :)

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Monitoring my heart…a less than grand experience

So I have been placed on a heart monitor for the next 48hrs from Tuesday to Thursday. As Im writing this I feel like I am a Cyborg or something. I have these electrodes connected to my chest and to my sides, all in an effort to see why my heart has been ‘fluttery’.
Now mind you, I totally spaced on the fact that before my dad passed away this last April, that they found that he had an A-FIB heart. So because our genes are so strong, I have learned that if it happens to one member of my family, that chances are that it will show up in another one of us. Take my uncle Bruce for example. My grandmother was diagnosed with Parkinson's and what happens several years later my uncle comes down with it and a host of other problems. My grandmothers brother Johnny had Diabetes back when they called it “Sugar Disease”. My Grandpa had it, my dad had it, my uncle had it, my mom had it my grandma and aunt on my moms side has it and so BINGO who has it but this guy right here. So yeah.

Being hooked up to what looks like an early 90’s pager is not as fun as you might think. And taking a nap let alone sleeping, is like battling an Octopus. Best part of all (well there’s 2 really) is that if one of the electrodes fall off, I have to redo the whole test for another 48hrs, and I cant shower for two days, only sponge baths.

I had to go do some shopping with my sister for her business and I actually had someone ask me if I was wearing a pager, when I explained that it was a heart monitor they kinda looked at me like I was kidding and then had a look of “oh well it must be because your fat” look. But you know what, yeah it might be because im over weight or it could be because well I don’t like my heart tap dancing out of my chest at random times keeping me from really being able to breath. I know that there is a lot that I need to do in terms of losing weight but you know what damn it, its not easy. Though I havent been trying all that much lately but I am hoping to change that really soon, since the Pacific North West is moving out of its winter months and into more ‘warmer’ months.

But aside from that, I am stuck with this demonic beeper for the next few days and I am so not looking forward to it. I just hope the damn thing doesn’t fall off and I have to do it all over again. Though I just would have to chalk it up to the rest of the health concerns that I’m experiencing. But for now I will leave this post as is and possibly do a follow up YouTube post about it.

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Lost

So many times I find myself laying in bed thinking about the future and what I’d like to do with my life. I think of all the possibilities and then realize that chances are that I will never accomplish them, or get to do any of them.
It’s a very sad feeling to have aspirations for yourself and knowing that you will never achieve them because well time is just running out. Some of the things that I want to do should have been done years ago. Typing that last sentence made my stomach turn. Im looking at the back of my hands and noticing the fine lines becoming more wrinkled, the progression of time taking me to that point where I will soon be at the end of my life. I look back and see the long days of my life and though I have had many adventures, what have I really done with myself and my life? I don’t have a real job, I don’t have a family, I don’t own my own home, I don’t have a car, I have nothing but the few meager possessions that I’ve accumulated.

I want to leave this world with people knowing my name. Knowing that I left my mark on it. For people to say “….he lived his life to the fullest” and actually mean it. Not just give lip service. However, its to late in the game to get most of the things I want to do done. And because of my disability I can not work, save money, and set goals. My bucket list reads more like a list of wide eyed fantasies dreamt up by a child. I feel so young, but in the same token I feel so old. Every day feels like months, which makes me both happy and sad.
I rather my life drag out (as long as Im not dying in a hospital bed) than to be over in a flash. My therapist asked me the other day “what is it that you want to do” and I could have honestly told her, but being honest with her wouldn’t do anything but make me feel worse about the fact that I probably will never do anything worth while. I spent my whole life in this Peter Pan state that while my mind and childish love for things has never grown, my body on the other hand has. I look at people who I went to school with, and their siblings and see that each of them have families and homes, and jobs, etc. and I think to myself, why was that never something that I wanted? Why was that something that I never strove for? I have always felt different, like I was important and that I was meant to do something special. But here I am, 32 soon to be 33, a depressed, horribly over weight, diabetic, slob who has nothing of value, and just plain nothing to offer anyone that could be of value or importance to someone.

I sleep to escape my life, and the limitations that are therein. But in doing so, I find that my days and nights slip away. I find it an increasing struggle to even get out of my bed. My body aches all the time from constantly laying in bed. My back has gotten to the point where I can barely stand or walk without it causing serious pain. I know its all part of my own doing and my own demise. For the last few years since July 20th 2008, I have questioned myself. Questioned why I fought so hard to stay alive and not just let go when I was in the hospital. Im not suicidal or anything at the moment. But when I was laying in that hospital bed, I was visited by something that wanted me to let go. It was there to take me where ever it is that we go when we die.
I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t in pain, I was peaceful, coherent, and logical. I realize I didn’t come back because I didn’t want to die, I came back because of the people who were in my life at the time. I came back and fought for them.

Ive been told many times since my stint at the hospital that I have changed, and that Im more cruel and mean and angry. It could be true. But I know what I saw while I was in that twilight between life and death, and even the week following my release. I returned home, it was negative, heavy, and dirty. I saw sadness, and misery and pain everywhere. This is the first time I have written this out. Its hurting me to relive this. Its making it hard to continue to write. I honestly have lost the topic let alone the point that I was trying to make. What hidden sadness that I was trying to express. All that I do know is that I am going to stop before it gets much worse.

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The Appeal of Her–a movie review

I just got done watching the movie Her with Joaquin Phoenix. I must say that this movie hit a little to close to home for me. The movie revolves around a heart broken man who is in the midst of divorce and isnt sure how to move on with his life. Then he learns of a new Artificial Intelligent Operating System (AI OS) that is being marketed as the very first personal computer operating system.

After installing the software to his computer, he and the OS begin conversing, asking simple ‘get to know you’ questions. He at one point asks if she has a name of which she chooses Samantha. As the movie progresses Joaquin and Samantha begin growing closer and form a relationship. As an AI, she is able to expand and learn past her programming. So they begin “dating” and he shows her new experiences, and he falls in love with her because she understands him and is able to fill that void in his life.

Well I began thinking about it, and I could see myself in Joaquin Phoenix’s shoes if that were me and an AI OS. Here you have ‘someone’ who is with you at any given moment, who has the ability to ‘feel’ and to ‘enjoy’ your company and time you two spend together. I could see myself becoming wrapped up in something like that, because of the emotional connection vs the physical. If you think about it, we pretty much already have those types or relationships.
With things like Facebook and Twitter and Social Networking Sites, we develop virtual relationships with people that many times we don’t ever know in real life. Yet we come to depend on our daily interactions with them. We love seeing their photos, their status updates, the funny random things that they post on their profiles, but whats to say that they are actually ‘real’? We take for granted that they are real but what if it was just a computer program and Photoshop that makes up that person that we have come to know and love on some level?

I could see depressed and lonely people latching on to their computer systems and falling madly in love with the digital persona. I for one know that I would/could. But with the development of such a system, I fear for the human race, as we would become so self absorbed in our digital romances and lives that all physical interaction would cease to exist, except for maybe persons who could not afford computers and the OS, or those people who are anti-technology.

But all in all it was an amazing movie that had complex emotions and feeling, and personal undertones of how people who suffer from depression and loneliness seek out comforts and build bonds with things that are sometimes either inanimate or that feel real.

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Now that the holidays are over…

Well christmas 2013 has come and now gone. Its kinda funny. I remember each and every christmas since about 4yrs old.

The holidays always marked good times in my life. It was how I divided up my year and they also marked for me how long it was until my birthday and summer vacation.

Now they have become a grim reminder that yet another year has ticked by and now I am older, and more lost than the year before. I have many ambitions for 2014, but I think that is hind sight. We always go into the new year with hopes of not repeating the previous. With an almost naive hope and childlike wonderment, we make grand plans of what we want to do, and then fail ourselves 3 weeks into the new year. I don’t mean this to sound so cynical as it is coming out. I am actually in a really good mood. I am reflective and listening to good music. Its just the eternal darkness in me otherwise known as Bipolar.

But no, this holiday, though sad because of the recent passing's of loved ones, has been decent. I have made myself a promise that every year I will watch my dads favorite christmas movies, which are Home Alone 1 & 2, and A Christmas Story. I will also watch my favs like The Santa Claus, and Christmas Vacation.

For now I will just say, I wish that it was longer, and that I was able to spend it with all my family and friends but am happy with it right now.

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Lexapro week review

So it has been an entire week of me taking Lexapro and I have to say that I really am impressed with this medication.
I was really skeptical at first, because the 15 (not really) other medications that they had me on were not working. If anything they were causing serious problems, such as short term memory loss.

I have noticed that the beginning of it that I was really tired and would get super light headed and feel stoned. But now that is wearing off and Im left with an over all sense of ‘ahh’. I have noticed that im not as angry or upset, and just feel more peaceful.
The one thing I do not like is that it gives me weird energy. Like I will try to go to bed and I will have a ton of energy still and not able to really fall asleep quickly. But all in all I do have to say that it seems to be doing its job.

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What side are your lines?

Mine will be on my left. I will also have some on the right. Those lines will be hearts and stars, signifying that the hopes and dreams of those suffering will one day come true.

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Day 3 of taking Lexapro and Victoza

OMG kill me….I just threw up the last day and a half worth of food that I ate. I took 1.8mg of Victoza like Im supposed to. Well lets just say instead of digesting the food I ate, it sat on my stomach like a rock.

I am backing my dose down to the 1.2mg. That seemed to work great for me. As for the Lexapro, Im still loving it. I am having some major sleepiness a few hours after taking it, so Im going to see about doing it at night, or taking it at midnight since im typically up at that time of night anyways, then it should help me sleep through the night.

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Holidays

So with the holidays coming up there are a lot of stresses that are compiled and added to my already seemingly endless stress and depression. Being on a very tight almost nonexistent budget I feel the stress of the holidays more than anyone.

You see, growing up for me the holidays were always so amazing. Up till a few few years ago I would sit and gaze at the Christmas tree with wide eyed wonder, thinking about all the great things there would be under there and how magical it was. Even now that I am older (and depression allowing) I still do. But the holidays are losing their magic for me. I am not a very materialistic person, but there are things that I like and want, but many times there isnt even a little something under the tree for me anymore.
I always try to make something or get a little something for the people in my life, as a way of saying ‘hey I love you and was thinking about you…’

So when it comes to having money or being able to do for others it is something that I take really seriously. I know maybe it might be a little selfish of me or even wrong of me to expect something, but well damn it, I do. The last few holidays I have put on a brave face and not shown it, but it has hurt me.
Even so, every year I dread putting up holiday decorations, or doing anything really, especially now that I live alone. I don’t see the point of putting up a tree, or lights because well it’s only me, and I have no one to share it with. So holidays are tough on me. This year is going to be really hard on me, as it’s the first year without my dad.
I wanted to get out to see him last year but didn’t have the ability to do so. But that’s life, here today, gone tomorrow.

So as the holidays are drawing closer and closer, I am finding it harder and harder to get up out of bed, and put on a cheerful smile and pretend that I am happy. Pretend that I am interested. Maybe things would be different if the situation was different. Who knows.

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