To much…not enough

So sleeping seems to be eluding me as of late, and when I finally am able to fall asleep I go into a deep coma of weird dreams and strange visions that are likened to that of Alice in Wonderland on acid.

So instead of actually sleeping what do I do? Well I lay awake and think about all the things that I would like to do, and what I need to do, and stress over how to get them done. Then I start recalling every fight I have had, every struggle I have had, every mean and horrible thing that has ever been said or done to me, and then in true bipolar/ptsd fashion I obsess over it by then thinking about what I should have done/said at the time, which just gets me worked up, and the cycle continues until I mentally exhaust myself.

Then in the morning I typically either wake up feeling ‘ok’ or so damned drained that all I want to do is sleep the whole freakin day away (which is what typically happens.) I really do hate the ups and downs of being bipolar, and having sleepless nights and insomnia. I know part of the being constantly tired is due to being diabetic, and I get that. But I have no idea where the sleeplessness comes from. Which you would expect to be a total contradiction due to the fact that one disease makes you tired but the other one keeps you awake. So many days I feel like a zombie, or I can function for several hours, take a nap, and then continue on. Some days I try to power through without a nap and those are the days where im just kinda blah.

Well today is one of those days where I wasn’t able to get out of bed all day. I was able to get up maybe 3 times. One of the 3 times I forced myself to go out side and do some yard work, after which I came back in and died in bed. So in total I spent maybe 14hrs in bed today. Woot for being productive.