Holidays

So with the holidays coming up there are a lot of stresses that are compiled and added to my already seemingly endless stress and depression. Being on a very tight almost nonexistent budget I feel the stress of the holidays more than anyone.

You see, growing up for me the holidays were always so amazing. Up till a few few years ago I would sit and gaze at the Christmas tree with wide eyed wonder, thinking about all the great things there would be under there and how magical it was. Even now that I am older (and depression allowing) I still do. But the holidays are losing their magic for me. I am not a very materialistic person, but there are things that I like and want, but many times there isnt even a little something under the tree for me anymore.
I always try to make something or get a little something for the people in my life, as a way of saying ‘hey I love you and was thinking about you…’

So when it comes to having money or being able to do for others it is something that I take really seriously. I know maybe it might be a little selfish of me or even wrong of me to expect something, but well damn it, I do. The last few holidays I have put on a brave face and not shown it, but it has hurt me.
Even so, every year I dread putting up holiday decorations, or doing anything really, especially now that I live alone. I don’t see the point of putting up a tree, or lights because well it’s only me, and I have no one to share it with. So holidays are tough on me. This year is going to be really hard on me, as it’s the first year without my dad.
I wanted to get out to see him last year but didn’t have the ability to do so. But that’s life, here today, gone tomorrow.

So as the holidays are drawing closer and closer, I am finding it harder and harder to get up out of bed, and put on a cheerful smile and pretend that I am happy. Pretend that I am interested. Maybe things would be different if the situation was different. Who knows.