Are we in another retrograde?

Over this last two weeks things have been very rocky. We have lost a lot of stars, and I have experienced loss on a personal level with the passing of people around me and now finding out that one of my escapes that I look forward to weekly may no longer be an option for me.

I've lost 3 people in my personal life, and two of my friends have passed, and a friends wife passed yesterday. IDK what is going on but it's starting to trigger my depression, and I am trying to remind myself that it is outside of my control and that it's not "personal" but damn it I am having a hard time not taking it that way.

I have also been cleaning my house in preparation for my mom coming to visit which is putting me under stress, not that I don't want to see her, but the fact that my house is so unhospitable. I have needed to clean my house for years now, and as anyone with mental health issues can attest to, your home typically takes on your mental status. 

The reason I am wondering if we were in a retrograde right now is that typically this time of year, we are supposed to be in one, and it effects our communications, relationships, and finances. Check to all three. But I am making slow progress in some areas of my life which is a good thing. During today's group therapy session, we were talking about self-harm and how things that you don't typically consider "self-harm" are actually forms of it. Such as being reckless, or spending money, overeating, over sleeping, not sleeping enough, not eating enough, self-neglect, and other things. All of which are things that I tend to do, not realizing that it is "self-harm" because I always thought of it like cutting, burning, picking, or something physical, not something as mundane as sleeping.

However, if between sleeping and dragging a razor across my wrists, I think that sleeping is the lesser of the two.

All of that aside, I did reach out to see about getting a new PCP since the lady who took over for my previous PCP is not going to work out for me. This new potential PCP is male, part of the LGBTQIA2S+ Community, and as I am getting a bit older, I noticed that there are male problems that are arising that I need to discuss with someone. And I think that having a doctor who is part of the queer community would also be nice to have since there are aspect that affect members of that community that you don't typically have to deal with in the hetro community. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is going to work out and if not then I will try another doctor.

So I think im going to spend the rest of this evening in meditation, and reflection and just hope that I am able to go to sleep soon and that tomorrow will be a better day.