Cautiously Optimistic and pushing through

 It seems as if life has been going two separate directions and i am caught in the undertow of it. Were the rest of the world is speeding by, and we already find ourselves knocking on June's door, I still feel as if it were December. So, my internal clock is off, and I think it's partly due to the Disassociate Identity Disorder and just being in a mental pause right now. 

There is a ton that some part of me wants and needs to complete but then there are the other sides of me that are warming their hands by the dumpster fire that I symbolically find myself in right now. I am trying to make some big changes in my life and at the same time it feels like I am dragging these weights around that are keeping me from moving forward and that by doing so I'm falling into this complacent pseudo hibernation mode.

Dusting off the "professional" side of me and trying to connect the dots to make lateral moves is nice and refreshing as it is a side of me that I tend to really love. Spending hours in front of the computer doing research and networking, sending emails, and just being "office" productive. Meanwhile, my other personalities want nothing more than to be that teenager sitting in front of the tv playing video games and waiting for mom to come home and make dinner. While still the other parts of me want to retreat or fix up the living space and go full domestic mode. And then there is the "Main Me" that is feeling off of this internally and having racing thoughts while also having needs and wants that do not align with any other part of me.

My physical health is declining due to the lack of daily movement outside of swimming. I'm no longer walking or doing any physical activities like I was and lost all motivation for that AGAIN and I'm mad at myself for allowing that to be lost.

So, what is the solution? I do not currently know. All that I do know is that I am basically running on endorphins and spite.