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living with diabetes and dealing with mental health
Positivity: The Power of a Positive Mindset
A thought about thoughts that are unkind
A Positive Uptick
So over the last few days I took to cleaning my house. It has been a very meager endeavor however, a productive one none the less. Now many people would not think it is a "big deal" and isnt post worthy. But why it is a "big deal" in my universe is because I literally do not clean as it triggers my depression and unpacks a lot of repressed childhood trauma and negative emotions.
So my cleaning is a good thing, as it shows that my mental health is in a fairly good place at the moment. "Well that is just an excuse for laziness" and where you may think that, it isn't the case. Studies show that the executive functions of the brain are basically shut down during times of prolonged stress, and mental duress. I am not an inherently messy person, I like the idea of organization and having things neat. But I lack the drive most times to execute the task. Also growing up, cleaning was used as a form of punishment, and there were a lot of negative connotations that went along with it. So whenever I do clean, like I said above, it triggers those memories and I feel like I am in trouble.
So for the last 3 days I have been taking very small sections of my house and trying to clean and "improve" them. This last weekend, I swept the bathroom floor, beat the hall way runner, and vacuumed it. I cleaned around my desk, the floor of my desk, my coffee table, and a small section of my living room. I put all my insulin pump supplies into some plastic storage drawers that I bought about a year ago, and did my dishes. I ended up throwing away two 55gal contractor trash bags full of stuff. I still have a ton of things to do. But I am pretty proud of myself, at the moment.
A cautious happiness
So over the last few days, it has come to my attention that it has been almost 6 month since I started going to the YMCA. And its been almost as long since I've really experienced any depression too. Its been nice not having my brain yell at me every second of the day telling me that I would be better off dead, and that no one loves me, and that I am a burden, etc.
It has given me a few moments of clarity and has given me leeway into having the energy to work on my mental health book. I really am placing a lot of energy and time into this thing and I hope that something comes of it. At the time of writing this I have 81 days worth of daily quotes and inspirations. I know that I still have a ton to do in order to get it to rough draft. But its been nice working on this. Daily when I wake up, I take out my phone and I write what I am inspired to do so that morning.
I have sent a few pages of it to an AI Language Model to see what it thought of the transcript so far and it came back with some very positive feed back. Now if only human's will do the same that is something completely different.
I recently asked my niece if she would consider doing some illustrations for the book, and she has agreed to do so. Right now my main driving factors in life are going to the YMCA, Tuesday Night Trivia, my YouTube channel, my Podcast, my feeble attempt at learning American Sign Language, and my book. Kind of a sad simplistic life I know. But considering what my life was like prior to 2012 I'll take it. About the only things that I miss from that time period is my friends, and going to college. Above that, there really isn't much else.
I have thought about yesteryear and some of the other things that have led me to this point in my life. Most of it good, a little bad, but regardless its been an interesting road along the way. I often ask myself, what next? But it truly scares me to think to much into the future nowadays. Just trying to think about what im going to do on the coming weekend oftentimes is to much. I've also had this yearning for fellowship. Of surrounding myself with likeminded folks and being able to have a group. Dont get me wrong, I have plenty of friends, but no one that I can really vibe with outside of certain situations. I dont know how to go about filling that void. Maybe as the weather changes for the better and we transition into spring, I will get a clearer mindset.
Laughter really is the best....at times
So recently I was given a specialty sourdough pancake gift set. It consisted of a bottle of dark stout beer and the pancake mix. Both were in glass beer bottles, and locally made. I was rather excited to receive the gift, and thought that it would be fun to try them, as I never thought of using a beer to make pancakes before and I am not a beer drinker, especially dark stouts or well any beer for the matter.
I set up my workstation to prepare for the cooking of these pancakes, and I go to open the bottle with the dry mix and it explodes all over me. Instantly I begin laughing like a crazy person as this mushroom cloud of pancake batter float through the air. I look down and my whole shirt is just covered in pancake batter, it looked like a snowman sneezed on me. After a few minutes of laughing, I go outside and dust myself off and return to making my breakfast.
Its not often that I laugh over situations like this. Normally in the past it would have sent me into a bipolar rage. But thankfully my brain said "no this is funny as hell." So yeah, laughter in this case was the best for me and I am thankful that I found the humor in it and not the "Hulk smash the world" aspect of it that my mind usually turns to.
After making breakfast, I began cleaning up which in turn caused me to wash the dishes that I had been neglecting for a few days. Which then activated my ADHD brain and caused me to hyper focus on cooking and cleaning. So that is how I spent the entirety of my Saturday. Cooking and cleaning and being in a good mood, listening to music.
What is something that happened to you that caused you to just start laughing, when other times it may have caused you to be really angry?
Let me know in the comments section below, or head over to the YouTube channel www.youtube.com/hellocupcakeitsme or over to the podcast http://podcast.hellocupcakeitsme.com to let me know.
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Games I play and we can play along together
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I'm playing Pokémon Go my Friend Code is 841 3604 4066
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Hey, I also use this great app Daylio that enables you to keep a private diary without having to type a single line. It is free and you can get it at https://www.daylio.net
A period of
So I realized this morning as I was waking up, that I haven't updated my blog in awhile. I make sure to update my YouTube channel and my Podcast but somehow overlooked my poor blog.
Well if you have been following along with me for any length of time then you know I can get kinda distracted and forgetful. But for those of you who are new and for those of you who dont follow my other social media, its been a really good few months. Feb 16th was Bella's one year passing, and the 23rd was Ba-Boy's one year adoption anniversary. So both of those days were very emotional for me. I still miss the hell out of Bella, and Facebook with its constant reminders and photo/video suggestions really keeps her memory alive.
I've not been as depressed as I normally am, which is something I am very thankful for. I am just experiencing sadness, which is nice. I know that you are probably scratching your head thinking to yourself "how is sadness a good thing?" But there is a difference between depression and sadness. Many think they are one in the same, but they are not. Sadness is happenstance. Typically brought on by an event that has just happened or finding that your pet has passed. Depression is more a whole body thing. Its chemical, and mental. Its your brain saying that "you are unloved", "you are a failure", "you are stupid for wanting better than what you have, because you dont deserve nice things", "you are ugly that is why no one wants you", "your friends are not really your friends they only entertain your presence...." The actor Jim Carrey said "Depression is you needing Deep Rest from the character that you have been playing, and trying to be strong for everyone but yourself.." I am paraphrasing it, but that is the jest of it. So being able to just experience sadness without it turning into me literally spending weeks in bed wanting to kill myself, and just being able to cry and move on has been wonderful and amazing.
My new cat Bernard aka Ba-Boy has been a true help with most of it. I honestly believe that I wouldn't have been able to go much longer after Bella's passing without having someone else in the house with me. That constant companionship and just knowing that he is here with me really puts me at ease. And as you can see from the picture above, I think he kinda likes me too.
Ive started doing things that use to bring me happiness and enjoyment, namely crafting. I found that a lot of my abilites have all but atrophied, but are starting to come back. I really want to try to get back into painting which is something I think im going to save for this summer when the weather is warmer and nicer and I can go out into the woods and just paint. I have started taking care of myself more too. Ive been going to the YMCA several times a week and swimming and doing water aerobics and meeting new people. And with that comes more self care, something that I was desprartly lacking there for the last few years. I've to date lost about 17lbs. Im feeling better about myself, and am even planning on getting back out and walking this April. I miss walking the trails, and seeing the hidden side of my surrounding town and countryside. The little hidden gems that you dont see everyday as you are wizzing by in a car at 50mph.
Of coming face to face with a large Buck who is grazing on the undergrowth of the forest. This is one of the deer that live in town, and I wasn't walking, I was in the passenger seat of my sisters car when I spotted him.
I love seeing nature, and to experience these forest puppies is damn near divine. So yeah I have some goals and asperations that I am going to attempt. I am being gentle with myself and not placing any major deadlines on things. Just do the best I can with what I have when I can. And so I have been doing just that. If you havent checked out my Podcast I would really encourage you to do so it can be found at Https://ancor.fm/hellocupcakeitsme or on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, CastBox, Pocket Casts, RadioPublic, and Stitcher,
2022 a Review
2022 has seen a good many up's and down's. We've lost some pretty amazing actors, actresses, singers, composers, friends, and family. We've seen uncertainties and unrest carried over from the Covid scare. We've had many achievements in the fields of industry after the pandemic lockdowns. We have gone even further into the cosmos and seen new sights that were not meant for our undeveloped mortal eyes. We have seen war, patriotisms, extremism, and a reemergence of a drowsy hatred revitalized by political platforms. We stand now as a nation of divided freedoms, ideals, and self appointed importance's. We find ourselves creeping headlong into a future where a divided dream is hoped for excited outcome. But we lack the knowledge that a fractured dream is nothing more than a pretty nightmare. Power for the sake of holding others at bay, will never allow for advancements. It isn't until we correct our vision, that we can see the true commonality that binds, and holds us all together. Sure we may differ from person to person. But the common thread that binds us all and weaves us into the tapestry of life are spun from the same fiber. There is a blurring of the spiritual and the political which makes for a powder keg of troubles. Those claiming that the nation should be one of faith, and those claiming that it should be of politics, and still those who believe that divinity and political should stay separate. Those who looked back upon the pages of history and saw the fatal footsteps lead by the past regimes and seeing that those boots worn by the people of present are falling instep with systems that proved to not work.
Its also been a retrospective period of time. I have often caught myself looking in the rear view mirror more than I probably should this last year. Wondering about the what if's and the maybes. Wondering what would have happened if I had taken that proverbial "left turn at Albuquerque." I have also found myself wondering at the outcome of me never having left my home state. What my life, such as it was at the time, would have been like now in the last days of 2022. And further still, what would have happened if I had not thought that I had fallen in love, and quit schooling. Would I be the English teacher my father so wanted me to be? Would I have some how still messed that all up? What if I had not dropped out of the Med Tech schooling? Would I now be the Phlebotomist that I had trained to be, after my feeble attempt at returning to college? Would I be working some dead end retail job? Where would my mental health be in all of this? Would I still be masking myself and my true feelings to prove that I was "ok"?
There are a lot of things that have come up over this past year that has really caused a pause and a good hard look at those pathways and bridges that are no longer accessible to me, either through timing or through them being shut to me forever. I guess that is why they say "in hindsight"? But that is also the folly of youth isn't it? To think that tomorrow has so many possibilities, not realizing that when tomorrow is today, a quarter of a decade passed.
The romance of youth is the dream that you can do anything that you set your mind to. The reality is that sometimes those dreams are forgotten by trying to live life. But all we can do is our best with the time that we still have. I use to think on the phrase "tomorrow isn't promised" with ignorance. I now know the importance of those words. My young ears, and developing mind, didn't understand them then.
The aspect of ones own mortality is never a conversation one likes to have with oneself. The idea that within the blink of an eye, everything that makes you, well you, can be snuffed out by some supernatural force. Whatever miracle that created life, can suddenly stop it. Be it divine intervention, cosmic coincidence or some yet unknow scientific biological time clock that says 41 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days is enough time for the energy that inhabits my body or soul That as quickly as my life sparked into action, it goes away just as fast. Leaving behind the shell of what and who I once was.
Somber to say the least. But it is with happiness that I take these next steps into yet another new year. A linear march forward by mortal constructs. The idea of resetting the clock, and starting all over with a whole new year. A blank canvas of possibilities. Of fresh starts, and new adventures. The tossing aside of compass's and maps. To blaze a hopeful new trail for ones life. And the secret hope in some higher power, that you are granted the strength, fortitude, and stamina to see out these changes, the new paths, and what is to come around the corner, and over each new horizon, as the sun, moon, and rain falls, sets and rises on the just and unjust alike.
Random musing
Good morning people
Remember that your journey in life has many ups and downs. Sometimes you'll climb those ups with ease, and sometimes you'll slide back down. The main thing to focus on is the destination. Enjoy your journey too. Embrace the suck. And learn your lessons along the way. Offer a helping hand even to those who wouldn't do the same. We all are at different places in our own personal journey. We all come into each other's lives for a reason. Some come to teach us, some come to learn from us, and some come to just be characters along the way. There are no negative sittuations, only teachable moments. Yeah they cause us to feel bad about what's happening, cause us to feel depressed, or even cause us to cry. But those tears cleanse our souls and make us grow. Take time to look in the rearview mirror, but don't forget to look ahead too. Only glance at where you've been, and how far you've come. We can make a thousand excuses and blame everything in the world, but if you aren't putting one for forward, then you'll never take those steps needed to continue moving forward, even a flat tire can still roll.
You can't let the chains of the past and the neverending what if's hold you back. Forgive yourself and forgive others so that you can rid yourself of those unhealthy trauma's and energies. So what if someone did something crappy to you, do you think that their actions against you is keeping them from living their life? NO! So why should that situation keep you from moving forward and living your life. Forgive them for yourself and put that pain to rest. It's not serving you, it's not helping you, it's not doing good for you. Grow from the pain, learn the lessons therein, and move past the trespasses. Don't become jaded or complacent either. Only you can push past your barries, otherwise you before stagnate and let precious time slip by. We are only given so much time, no one knows when their clock will stop.
I did a thing
So I've done a thing. I joined the YMCA and it's been a really interesting choice so far. So I've needed to start working out since I haven't been able to walk. So I've started doing water aerobics. Y'all when I tell you it's been kicking my butt, that's a bit of an understatement. My legs hurt so bad. But I'm sure it'll get better the more I do it.
I'll be covering my adventures on YouTube channel www.youtube.com/hellocupcakeitsme and on the podcast www.anchor.fm/hellocupcakeitsme
Right now it's only Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. But I'm hopeful that it will pick up and be offered 5 days a week.