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Lately I have really been thinking a lot about the past. Who has said and done what to me, things that I could have and maybe should have done differently. Things that I should have walked away from, and things I should have explored further.
As of right now, I have realized that I has been since summer of 2017 that I have been with someone. It still feels just like yesterday. I guess that is because for a Pisces and for someone who is bipolar time passes differently. I keep bringing up the past like it was just yesterday. Not only about my past relationship, but with friends and family. I have to constantly stop myself and remember that what I am talking about was literally YEARS ago in some cases.
I have been "unpacking" a lot of emotional baggage too. Im in a "nesting" mood right now and have been cleaning for about 3 weeks. It is a slow gradual process but it is something that is getting done. As you all probably know from my videos and from past blogs, I don't clean very often. One big reason is that it was used as a form of punishment when I was growing up, and so when doing it, I feel like I'm being punished and like I have done something bad. Also during that time, I can not control my thoughts and I start thinking about the past. About what people said to me in Kindergarten, or how someone on the bus 5 years ago looked at me. Or conversations I had with people and the things I wish I would have said.
Its a maddening loop at times I swear. Its like a song that you just can not get out of your head and it plays on repeat.
Also, I have been really hyper aware of peoples thoughts and feelings lately. Like the Mercury Retrograde wasnt bad enough. But it just seems like everyone is in a really foul mood lately, and like anger is at 98%. Today, I had "words" with a friend because of a misunderstanding and something that was outside of my control. And they got totally bent out of shape and pissy with me. I almost unleashed everything that I have been holding back for the last few months and just gave it back to them with both barrels as it were. But I decided to take a step back (ok a HUGE jump back) and simply put into a text, some of the things that needed to be said, in a very diplomatic way, and basically said "i will talk to you in a few days".
The thing about this friend is, I am the only person in their life that seems to honestly give a damn. Maybe its the Pisces side of me, but damn it if they dont invoke the Aries in me. And as shitty as that sounds, I damn near ended our friendship 3 times in the past 2 months. There is a part of me that feels really bad for them. And a part of me that really does kinda understand them. But with my bipolar and other mental issues I have, it makes for a very violent cocktail at times.
But it just seems like everything is in extremes right now. Either people are "to happy" (if there could be such a thing) or seriously bitchy. I honestly just dont get it. Maybe this is my test from the universe. To be the one that walks the middle of the road, and allows others to vent their frustrations on me and to "listen more and speak less". All that I do know is that I am thankful when night comes. It is like my time to relax and unwind and just breathe and hope that the following day is better than the last.
Thoughts?
Check out the YouTube channel as I update there with things I dont here. Https://www.youtube.com/hellocupcakeitsme
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