Getting back on track

 So, after my bout with depression I have somewhat sprung back into sync with my Fitness Challenges and working toward my goals.

I have, since my last post, finished my Suicide Awareness and Prevention challenge. With this, that finalizes fitness challenge with #virtualpaceseries for the month of October. These 32.94 miles that I've done have taken me on my own journey into my thoughts of #suicide and the stigma around mental health and the loneliness of men's mental health.

Anyone who knows me can say I'm anything but typical in the male department. But I still have that unique understanding and that #maleego #malepride of having to be tough and shoulder the burden and not be one in return. To take on everyone else's issues while barely holding on to my own. To be the man my dad wanted to be, and feeling like I fall short of that daily.

Spending serval hours a week, sitting across from two different therapists, psychoanalyzing the fractured memories and traumatic past to try to put together somebody who the world can look at and say "that's my friend...that's somebody that I can count on..."

So every step I took this last month. Every hard day. Every muscle ache. Every tear that fell because my depression flared up. I dedicate these steps and miles to the countless people, all the men, women, they's, them's, and everyone in between, to you. You're not alone. Keep moving forward. Even if the only thing you can do is just make it to the next second/minute/hour/day, is brush your hair. Eat your 5th bowl of cereal. Re-watch that one comfort movie/ show for the thousandth time. Keep going; your story doesn't stop here!

Reach out to someone you can trust and get it up off of your chest. They would rather help carry your darkness than your coffin. It's vulnerable and hard, but you're worth the personal discomfort! It doesn't make you weak. It proves how strong you are!

Now the next challenge for the month of November is my Day of the Dead fitness challenge with #VPSFitness

#mentalhealth #walkingforfitness #walkingforlife #walkingfordiabetes #corestrengthening #corestrenght #diabeticwarrior #diabeticwalking #smallsteps #smallstepstobigchange #keepmoving #plussizehiker #plussizehiking #notsponsored #notsponsoredbutshouldbe #challengeyourself #walkingforacause #virtualchallenges #selfdedication

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Motivation where?

 So, after this last bout of depression, I have lost most if not all of my motivation. I have done nothing more than eat and sleep the last few weeks. And it is starting to get to me. Yesterday I ate all day and laid in bed. I was invited out, but the actual thought of having to put clothes on, and venture outside was more than I could muster, even though I desperately needed to get out of my house. The most I've done since Friday is open the door for a moment look around outside and close it and go back to my bedroom. 

I have been eating my meals in bed again. I have just nested. I don't like this, but I cannot seem to find the will to get out of my house let alone my bed unless I absolutely have to. I've even stopped swimming as much as I have been, using my friend's injury as an excuse, to my factual excuse of just not having the money for gas to go into town 4 times a day like I need to.

However, if this self-imposed hibernation is going to continue, then I need to put my "down time" to work and at least do some chores around the house. 

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The return of depression

So as wth every fall leading in on the winter months, my depression has seemed to return. I find it funny that it should return only days after I completed a Mental Health Challenge called Choose the Light, with this company called Virutal Pacer Series.

I don't pretend to uderstand why my depression comes and goes. However, I am beginning to be able to pin point its orgins pretty well. And this bout started October 4th during a music event being held at the bar I like going to. Now all that I can do is just sit back and wait for it to come to a conclusion. 

While that is taking place, I do not know what I should be doing with myself at the moment. I feel like I should be writing. I feel like I should be taking some classes. I feel like I should just sleep until March. And I feel like I should really dig my heels in and just throw myself head first into all of it and  just power through the whole ordeal

Either way I know that its going to be a long winter if thi

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 October 1st I started a new Challenge with Virtual Pace Series called "Choose the Light"

This challenge is one dedicated #suicideawareness As you may know I deal with mental health issues and suicide ideology, which is something many others struggle with too. 

So, it's my hope that during my time set to raising awareness that I'm able to not only help myself as we transition into the winter months and the gloomy season, that I'm able to help others in their time of need and to be able to reflect on my own struggles and learn to ask for help regardless of how depressed I am.

Mental health is something that we all experience from time to time and for most (myself included) it's a lifelong battle. If you have been a consumer of my content for any period of time, then you'll know this about me. So, when I saw that there was a challenge that was dedicated to mental health and suicide, I knew this had to be something that I took part in. 

I have already done 5.91 miles toward my 5k or 3.1 miles goal which has completely exceeded what I originally signed up for, so I think the furthest that I can go for this challenge is Half marathon which is 13.01 miles or 21.09K. At the very least I am going to push for the 10k or 6.2 miles.

For those of you in the United States if you are dealing with Mental Health issues or are in crisis, please call 988 for the National Crisis Line. If you are a member of the Queer Community and want to speak to someone who is more familiar with the unique issues Queer persons experience, please reach out to The Trevor Project 24/7 Suicide Hotline for LGBTQ Youth - We’re here for you Now www.thetrevorproject.org tel:1-866-488-7386 sms:678678 or https://chat.trvr.org/ 

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Fall once again

 So, life has been fairly good the last few weeks. There was some stress and duress and a small bout of depression and anxiety, but thankfully nothing like Fall of 2024 when I was the most suicidal, I had been ever. This time last year I had so much piled up on me that it was just overwhelming. I had my book that was about to be published, that was far behind the deadline that I was comfortable with. My father's birthday hit me hard that year. Plus, a person who I thought was a friend, ended our 14yr friendship, plus caused another person to remove themselves from my life.

I just keep thinking back and trying to figure out why things were so difficult then vs now. Sure, I've had my ups and downs this year, but strangely nothing as bad. I feel healthier than I ever have been. I'm losing weight, and I am able to walk longer and further than ever before. I can actually feel the muscles developing under the fat. When I place my hands on my sides it feels strong and not squishy and pillowy. I've challenged myself to swimming at least a mile a day. I took on not one but two different fitness challenges. One that I have to walk 50 miles from September 1st to October 31st, and one that I have to swim 5 miles for The American Cancer Society. 
As of writing this post, I have completed 4.60 miles of the ACS challenge, and 13.71 total for my #fall50challenge

I think the other thing that has helped me this time around is that I am back in therapy and seeing two different therapists. If you have been following along with the YouTube Channel or the Podcast you will know about this journey and the new self-discoveries made during this. I'm still working on my writing projects. I still need to re-edit my currently published book Carpe Diem Scroto 365 Daily Affirmations, but have been working more on my two upcoming books Carpe Diem Viate, and The Healed Child and the Toxic Environment/The Healing Child and the Toxic Parent (working titles) both of which I am putting a lot of time into. Right now, The Healed Child is the one I am focusing the most on at the moment. It is picking a lot of the scabs that have healed, and dredging up old memories, and having to take a moment to sit with them, digest them, and put fingers to keyboard to type it out, and then change it to protect those persons who are still alive and that could be affected by my use of real world, lived life experiences. 

So that is life in a nutshell at this moment in time. I hope you take some time to check out the YouTube Channel and the Podcast, and give the books website a gander. 

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previously in my life

 The last 45 days has been filled with so much going on. Members of my family being diagnosed with multiple forms of very aggressive cancer. Other members needing vascular and joint surgeries, and more.

I have gone from swimming for "fun" and doing light water aerobics, to making it a goal of swimming at least 1690m (1 mile) with today being 1925m which is 1.1961 miles. I have declined on the number of days that I have been out walking, due to it being ghastly hot here in the PNW, so I've been doing water miles instead of terra miles.

I've joined a fitness challenge called the Fall 50 through a company called My Adventure Challenge. So, starting September 1st until October 31st I have to walk 50 miles, which roughly equates to about 2 miles a day or a mile a day for 50 of the 60 days that I have been allotted.

I'm nervous, excited, scared, and just over all anxious, as the weather seems to be transitioning from Summer to Fall rather quickly. The challenge is honor system based, however, I'm going to be following it like it is a structured and regulated event. With the caveat of possibly converting my aquatic milage into my over all daily milage because both, in my opinion are valid. 

I have also joined several hiking groups on Facebook after getting the idea to search them out, after I made a "brag" post about how my current backpack fits me after losing some weight. I am not sure what the official weigh in is, but im guesstimating its roughly 35lbs since June 16th. 

I've been working on my new blog and social media for my backpacking stuff. I am hoping to create a positive platform that encourages people of all body types, and abilities to come together and enjoy their backyards, or to get the more involved in the community and share their goals, triumphs, and setbacks. Thankfully I have found a group like this on Reddit. Which I must say, I am beginning to like way more than Facebook.

Anyways what are some of the goals you've set for yourself so far this year? Have you accomplished them? I would love to hear about them.

Make sure you tune into the podcast https://podcast.hellocupcakeitsme.com or wherever you listen to podcasts by searching Hello Cupcake It's Me a Podcast, and check out my new TikTok 10 minute Tuesday videos, and of course YouTube every Wednesday and Saturday.

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Some early morning musings

 I have been doing my best to get back walking and to get back to a time where I was able to get out and see things I had never seen before. I was a bit happier, but still dealing with a ton of mental health issues. I am still dealing with my mental health but I think that I have a better grasp on it now than I did 5yrs ago. This doesn't mean that I am 100% cured or anything.

The last 6 months of 2024 and the first 6 months of 2025 have really been tough lessons to learn and to grow from. The latter part of 2024 found me almost checking out for good, even though I was still pushing to try and get my book published. Now that it is live and published and open for the world to find, I find it somewhat ironic that as a mental health advocate, and now a published author, that I was so close to self harm. However, that is the sad, dark, bitter truth of living with depression. You never know how you are going to react when your brain just starts acting dumb.

But as I sit here and type this at 8:07am on a Tuesday morning before starting my day, I am taking a moment I guess, to just allow the grateful and silent prayer click away on my keyboard. Watching the cars drive by on the busy street with no knowledge of me or my inner workings. Each a contained universe unto themselves. Im thankful that I have had the strength to pull myself through that darkness each time I have. Im not sure that I can or will always be able to. But for now, I'm good. 

With each reluctant step I take in my daily intentional walking, I realize that Im getting stronger, a little better, and a little closer to my ultimate goal of getting ready to undertake my next big challenge. Walking the 130 miles of The Larry Scott Trail, The Olympic Discovery Trail and the Olympic Adventure Trail (all the same thing just named differently in other areas.)

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Working on myself and listening to an audiobook

I have been doing my best to walking nightly. Each of those nights I have pushed myself a bit harder and harder each time. I've been trying to do at least a mile a night when all I was doing was walking about 1/2 mile for the week prior to this last one.

But my daily movement today equaled 1 mile. However, with my intentional walking, all I could manage was 1/2 a mile, and you know what? I'm OK with that! I'm not going to be able to climb every mountain! But what I can do is take a few meaningful steps to reach that summit. 

I'm not here to impress anyone. I'm here to try to get back to that place i once was. There's no

expiration on dreams and goals. Every little bit builds towards that future im striving for. The ends justify the means! 

But if I fall short of those aspirations, I'm good with that too! For now, I'm trying. Tomorrow I may quit. But today, I did my best! 

Listening to the audiobook Wild by Cheryl Strayed on my old 5th generation iPod, that was given to me by my sister brand new from her college bookstore, when she got enrolled. I now have a copy of that book in physical paperback, audio, PDF, eBook/Kindel and even have a physical DVD of the movie adaptation and a downloaded copy of the movie on my laptop and my tablet.

I don't know what it is about that book, and story that enthrall me the way that it does, but I just love it. I find inspiration in it. The wonderful tale it tells, and to be honest this is the first time since discovering the movie, that I have taken the time to read/listen to the book. 

When you work out or go walking, what do you listen to? If I'm in the forest where I know there are big cats, or bear, I tend to just listen to nature and do my own thing. 

#mentalhealth #walking #walkingaround #walkingforhealth #walkingforweightloss #walkingforwellness #walkingforfitness #walkingforlife #walkingfordiabetes #corestrengthening #corestrenght #diabeticwarrior #diabeticwalking #smallsteps #smallstepstobigchange #keepmoving

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New Blog

 I must start out by saying that I wasn't sure that I was going to link Hello Cupcake It's Me to the new blog or not. Many of you who have been following for a while now may be thinking "you rarely update this blog so why should we follow the new one?" and that is a fair point. However, my new blog is centered around my newest #mentalhealth diagnosis of #DisassociateIdentityDisorder or #DID

I'm not going to go into great detail about what DID is, as I cover it in my very first blog post. Currently there are about 8 post at the time of writing this post. As I learn more about this latest diagnosis, I will be posting more on there. Many of the posts come directly from my Reddit account, where I have found an amazing community that has been helping me better understand this part of me. And where I post a bunch of my life here on this blog, I feel that it is best to keep the two separated.

If you would like to check out the new blog you can do so by clicking the picture below or by clicking this link DID We Exist 

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Time is passing differently

 Lately it seems like time is passing differently for me. I'm either 3 days ahead or 5 days behind. Everything in my body is telling me that it is February or March, yet the calendar is telling me its almost June.

I go outside and see all of the summer flowers and trees blooming, I see all of the signs of it being summer. But for whatever reason, it doesn't feel like summer to me. Is this part of my unresolved grief over my biological mother passing? Is this because I didn't do my typical birthday stuff this year? Is it that March was supposed to be the launch of my book, and I published it back in November 2024? Is this some side effect of my new mental health diagnosis? Or is it that every day I wake up to see something new wrong with the world, and how this current administration has removed, abolished or otherwise caused some type of long reaching rippling effect that has yet to be fully realized?

I slept for about 4 days a week ago, and my soul still feels tired. I feel emotionally, spiritually, and physically bound, and tired. A tired that transcends mere taking a nap to revitalize oneself.  But I feel out of touch with everything around me. Whatever it is, I do know that I need to get back in sync with my life and the things around me.

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