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Hello Cupcake It's Me a Podcast
As of right this minute I will not be doing exclusive podcast shows. However that may change in the future.
So go check out the new podcast https://anchor.fm/hellocupcakeitsme
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A bit of progress (I think)
So it has officially been two weeks since I've started monitoring my eating and trying to get out and walk and I will admit that I am starting to feel good again. Im taking my supplements and drinking water with apple cider vinegar in it and cutting back on my snacking, and trying to limit the sugar intake.
I believe that I have already lost about 5lbs. And since getting an air fryer, I have been cooking most of my meals exclusively in it. My afternoon naps are maybe 45 minutes if even that long. I lay there just long enough to rest and then I am back up and at it.
I still am not able to do a full mile walk. When I did force a mile out of me, I suffered the rest of that day and most of the next. So I am going to continue to take it slow and work back up. I was given some CBD lotion, so im going to start using that like I once did. Because I remembered when I started walking, I was using that once or twice during the walk. I would put some on, wait a few minutes for it to get to working and then I would reapply once I got to the end of the trail and had to turn around and go back. I am hoping to be able to do my 2 mile a day walk. I love that stretch of forest, and all the green and birds singing really make it nice.
So all i have to do is keep up and continue doing my best. Every step counts.
Why is it so expensive to be healthy?
Why is it so damn expensive to try and be healthy?
It honestly must be a conspiracy to keep you fat and unhealthy. Like you can buy 4 cheese burgers for $3.00 but its $5 for a salad that was prepared and packaged 5 days ago.
Then you buy vitamins and supplements to try and keep healthy too and you are looking at upwards of $8 per bottle. And then every fad diet has its own branded "specially formulated" pill to take, so everyone jumping on that bandwagon is going to buy that pill which chances are has nothing more than a multivitamin or the equivalent of a Flintstones Children's Chewable but in a fancy flashy package.
At day 3 of me getting back out on the trails and doing my walking, and looking at the mountain of vitamin bottles and supplements that I am taking. Im just thinking of how much weight my wallet is losing in the pursuit of me losing weight.
Regardless of where I purchase my supplements (mostly Dollar Tree) it still adds up. But what do you do? Got to keep pushing on right?
Starting over again - getting back to walking
I just want to get back to being able to walk like I used to when I was doing two or three miles day and only being winded like toward the end of that two and a half mile marker I wanna be able to get out and start walking daily.
I'm so sick and tired of just being winded doing the simplest things. And it really sucks because I used to be able to just get up and go and I looked forward to doing my walk for the day and there were days where I even did walks twice a day. And now I'm dreading even trying to do one walk a day.
I'm not going to force myself into doing anything else of our major maybe starting off doing Monday Wednesday Friday type of schedule and then eventually building up to adding in Tuesdays and Thursdays. But you know they say determination is the key factor and I'm hoping that I don't lose that key again. Going on 41 and feeling like I'm in my 90s is not fun.
I still have a lot of life left in me at least 30 something years by my account. So I don't really know what the point of this whole post is except for two chronicle that I'm going to start trying again. Something I should have started back up moments after falling ill and getting better.
So hopefully whatever God happens to watch over us will continue to give me the strength perseverance and fortitude to continue to move forward and to lose the weight and become a healthier version of the person I am now.
I mean I've done it before I should be able to do it again right?
Remotely dealing with an aging parent
Its tough when you have to deal with a loved one being in the hospital. No matter what your relationship with that person may or may not be. Over the last week and a half, I have been dealing with my biological mother being in the hospital and drama of all that entails.
It started with a phone call a few weeks ago "your mom isn't doing to well" and went from there. For any of you who watch my YouTube videos, or have read any of my past updates, you will know that I have a strained but functional relationship with my biological mother.
My whole life I collected mother figures, and have never really considered my birth mother to really be my "mom". Nevertheless, I still don't really want to see her hurt, or being taken advantage of. So to get a random call out of the blue making blanketed statements about her and her health, really didn't surprise me. This considering that she has habitually used meth my entire life and probably for a long period of time prior to that. That in my 40yrs on this earth, I have only known her to maybe be sober from about 91-96. And even then I can not state my life on it. This is the woman that when I was 16yrs old, decided to chose drugs over me. To chose the drug dealer, whom I knew and was friendly acquaintances with. Not that I used drugs, but those who I chummed around with as a teen did. The man who I would watch snort up an entire 8-Ball of speed to wake up, and to go to sleep with. A man who when he wasn't smoking or snorting meth, was drinking 40's and partying with my friends uncle. A man that she married, on the heels of telling me that I was unwanted, unloved, and a mistake, should I not back her on her feelings and wanting's. A woman, who would go several long years without so much as a phone call. A woman who missed birthdays, holidays, and my high school graduation.
So to say that there is love loss there is a bit of a dead fish in water. Its not that I dont love her, I just dont love this woman who I've come to know over the last 30 something years of my life.
She was never the kind loving mother that television shows would make a mother out to be. Never the one to kiss a boo boo, or to readily tell you that she was proud of or that she loved you. Those were after thoughts. Like a period at the end of a sentence. like a child being reminded of "what do we say".
So it bewilders me that I would put in the amount of effort that I have making sure that all of her medical is taken care of. That she has a whole new doctor, and a doctors appointment set up for when she gets out of the hospital. But perhaps its my "fixing" nature. Perhaps its my way of trying to punish myself yet again in hopes that she will stay on the pathway that has been foraged for her. But logical mind knows better, but the heart still screams for this non-existent hope. Logic tells me daily, do not overly involve yourself, its going to blow up in your face. She's only going to do what she needs right this moment to keep her needs met.
The ultimate fear is that somehow, some way, she is going to be brought closer to my little Edan. That her poison is going to infect everything that I have struggled to create and grow. That my past, where I was Her son, awakens, and somehow her transgressions now become the crown that I bare. That those who dont know Her son, will pass judgement upon me, regardless of the years of knowing the person that I present myself to be. That her darkness will cloud an already cloudy day, and seep into every crevasse of a life that I built. I left "California" behind me. I tried to become someone new. Only to have "California" constantly on the horizon, like the sword of Damocles hanging over my head.
But one shouldn't feel this way about a mother. Yet this is what I fear. Having her back in close proximity to my fragile ecosphere. Thinking about what my exit plan would be, should she somehow darken my doorstep. Where is it that I would run this time? Where is it that would have me? That I could restart yet again?
So while other aspects of my life are good. There are those that I am trying to keep separated. Only to have real family drama unfolding in another part of my life. Trying to keep the ones that truly matter to me from falling apart, and to try and find the right words to speak, as to not cause the fault lines to further fracture. To not burden anyone else with my own problems, and my own short comings. Trying to be the rock, when my foundation at any given moment is build on a bed of quicksand. So it makes me thankful for those moments where I am not battling my own mental health. For should all of this be happening while im typically at my lowest, this would not be good.
So I put on a strong brave face. I continue to be the "carefree" person that everyone expects, when just behind the mask, im screaming in silence and crying to the point of dehydration. But as long as the outer shell appears fine, then the dance can go on.