HELLO CUPCAKE ITS ME

My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

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Fuck Depression

This picture accompanying my post is how I felt the last few weeks. My damn depression and bipolar was off the freaking hook. Last time I posted (8.21.19) I posted about being a bipolar monster. Well shortly after that, my depression kicked in like a motherf**ker.
And to compound the whole experience, I had situational depression and bipolar triggers that have been happening on top of that.

Now any of you who have followed my adventures through life on this blog or on the Youtube Channel know the struggles I have with my housing, making ends meet (I know that this struggle isnt unique to me alone), and with my mental as well as physical health.
Well part of my mental health issues revolve around PTSD and part of that PTSD is fear of being homeless. The reason I mention this is because one of the triggers that sent me deeper into the rabbit hole of "dear god just end me now" was that my kitchen sink broke. I knew that one side of the sink leaked and so I never used it. But I had no idea that the other side had started leaking. You are probably thinking "well Michael why didnt you just call your landlord?" Well any normal well adjusted person would have. But part of my phobia and anxiety is that my landlord will come into the house, see the problem that I called him for, and kick me out. I was raised "fearing" when the landlord came over. The air in the house would get thick, and stress levels went up. To which, being a kid, others anxieties were usually taken out on me in the form of yelling at me to "get out of the way" or "go to your room". Even though 10 times out of 10 it wasn't my fault, I carried that fear into my adult life.

Having to talk to any "authority" figure is difficult for me, unless we are the same age or within the same age range. But if they are older than me, say like 50 or 60+ then its a different ball game. I do not associate people who are my age as "adults". Its weird. Like they can be married with children, and I will still see them as kids. I dont know if that is because my Grandparents had a huge hand in raising me up, or if it is part of my long list of disorders and syndromes. Either way I do not think of people who are my age (38 at the time of writing this) or younger adults.
I see myself as 15yrs old mentally. I can relate to teens easier than I can adults and my peers. I feel the same now as I did then, just with a few extra "city miles" on the odometer. I've never really told anyone this (outside of my therapist) because I can't fully articulate it in a way that would make sense to my friends and family. When I have tired to talk to my family about it, it has been met with ridicule, so theres a lot that I dont disclose to most people.

But its been one of those things as of late, that people as me "hey how are you?" And mentally im screaming in pain and suffering in silence and want to burst into tears and just open a vein and tell them everything. Every dark secret, every dark thought, everything that I am feeling. But I put that side of myself in the corner and joke with them like I do whenever something bad, negative, or upsetting happens. I use laughter and comedy as forms of self defense. I have no idea where I picked this survival method up at, only that I use it more often than not. In school, I was bullied, A LOT. I was always considered the weird kid, the unpopular kid, the stupid kid, (insert other kids being dick phrases). People use to talk shit about me and to me. "You are so fat, you use the equator as a belt", "your mom is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house", "you're so stupid that you sit on the tv and watch the couch", "you are so ugly that the doctor slapped your mother when you were born", "your family is so poor, that your family got married for the rice." Just some of the more "milder" things that were said to me.
So I learned to take that power away from them by agreeing with whatever was said and turned their taunts into self deprecating jokes to take the sting out of their words. "You're so fat, you jumped and got stuck in the sky" (yeah I never understood the physics nor the logic of this one) to which I would have said something like "you think that is bad? My stretch marks look like a topographical map of Utah."
So yeah, I have that type of emotional well that I tap into. People have always said "oh you just have something to say about everything dont you?" Well when you are the pinata on the playground, and in other parts of your life, you learn to be a quick thinker.  You learn how to have a retort for just about any and all situations. So in serious situations, I sometimes resort to these tactics in order to help me process the feelings that I am having, and to try to lighten the gravity of the mood. Sometimes to others horrors and sometimes to their delight. Needless to say, I have a dark sense of humor. I also put words that are somewhat common place, into sentences and use them as insults that sometime takes the other person by surprise and makes them think about what I said, which in my own sick humor, is funny to me, watching them trying to deduce the meaning behind what I said while a handful of others have already got it, made the connection and are pissing themselves laughing. Point in case, someone in a parking lot and I had this exchange last night:

Her: you ain't shit you fat fuck (after a short exchange back and forth because the bitch almost hit me with her car as I was walking to mine)
Me: *inhales and cracks neck* listen whore, if we were put in Fat-abetical order I would be an A and your galaxy eclipsing ass would be a triple Z. Now moo cow your way back to whatever Golden Corral (a buffet here in Washington State) you put of business when you left. Buh bye
So yeah that is just one way that I "come back" at people. 
So all of that aside. I am feeling better at this point in time. I know that the depression and what have you havent completely gone away and that more is undoubtedly on its way. But getting my sink fixed by a local handyman and friend of mine really helped put me at ease, even though it left me beyond broke. I still owe him $40 on top of what I gave him already for parts and labor. But knowing that im doing small steps to make things better in my house is making me feel good. So I will just keep plugging along and get things done little by little. There are a few things that are going to be to big for me to do on my own that will require me calling my landlord in for. But for now im back to "normal". 
Sorry that I went on that long rant, but it just needed to come out. I keep so much bottled up that I have to vent every now and then.

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'Protecting' Psychiatric Medical Records Puts Patients At Risk Of Hospitalization 'Switch' Critical to Wound Healing Identified 1811 2013 4 Ways to Beat Back Pain 5 hour energy 500 calories A simple soliloquy a1c AA aarp ablum accessible wheelchair car accessible wheelchair vans acne acne light treatment acting insulin acu acupressure ADD addiction ADHD adolescent victims adults Adults With Diabetes And Limited Health Literacy Less Likely To Adhere To Prescribed Antidepressants advance advise advising afghanistan Aflac Age Matters in Weight Gain: aids airsoft album review Alcoholic Alcoholics Anonymous All IT Supported alltel alzheimers AM General American College of Gastroneterology American Diabetes Association American Express ami clubwear amiclubwear.com amputation android anger animis anniversary anti radiation cell phone technology antibody antidepressants not working anxiety app application apps arginine arthritis artificial artistic aspirin Assurance Wireless asteroid atherosclerotic lesions Atlanta alcohol rehab Atlanta drug abuse rehab centers Atlanta Drug Rehab Atlanta Drug Rehab Center attack Avengers back on track back to school backup bad habbits baking banana george Banana Power bariatric surgery Barrett's Esophagus Baton Rouge battle depression bayer bayer breeze2 Bayer Contour USB bb gun BBB BE beating depression beauty become motivated before i die behealthy24.com Being sick totally sucks beta cells big blue test big foot Biomedtrics biosensor bipolar Bipolar bipolar disorder Birdman Birdman or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance birth birth defects birthday bladder cancer blog blogging blood glucose blood glucose levels blood pressure blood sample blood sugar blood sugar level blood sugar levels blood sugar monitor blood sugars blue shield Bluetooth bmi Body By Vi 90 Day Challenge body mass index bogo bogo. buy one get one free books bottom belly bracelet Brain Discovery Could Help Schizophrenics Breaking News breast breast feed breast feeding breastfeed breastfeeding brew Broadway budget bug out bugs bullied bullying Bums burn calories buy Caffeine Vape Stix by Energy Shisha california California Pacific Medical Center call center caloric needs calorie versions cancer candychang.com Cannabidiol cannabis car car loan. car; car loan; payday; payday advance; sponsored blog; guest post; carats cardio cardiovasular disease care cause cctv security dvr cd review Celebration celiac cell phone change cheap eyeglasses cheap glasses cheap scrub cheap scrubs check into cash cheif chicago child childhood depression Childhood diabetes childhood obesity children cholesterol christmas chronic inflammatory disease chronic pain cigarette ciglites cigs clinical depression clothing coconut oil coffee coffee prevents diabetes cognitive cold colorectal cancer Comedy Central comfort food community compare computer Computer Services condos connections contour usb meter control cooking corn syrup cosmetics coupons couponten.com crafts creative outlook credit card cupcake cyber bullying daily caloric daily caloric intake dancing dark cloud david pulley Day 3 of taking Lexapro and Victoza day care daycare ddiabetes deals Death debate debit card debt decaffeinated coffee decreased gene activity deep breathing dementia Dental Work and Tooth Pain depressed Depressed Stroke Survivors May Face Triple the Risk of Death depression depression in preschoolers depression isn depression symptoms Despite Free Health Care developing diabetes development diabetes Diabetes / Diabetic News Diabetes + Depression = Increased Risk of Death diabetes exist diabetes foundation diabetes less diabetes management diabetes medication Diabetes Trials Worldwide Are Not Addressing Key Issues In Affected Populations diabetic diabetic alert dog diabetic cook book diabetic cure diabetic education videos diabetic epipen diabetic food log diabetic healing diabetic insulin diabetic logbook diabetic medical review diabetic research Diabetic Retinopathy diabetic shock diabetic software diabetic supplies diabetic. ebook diamonds diet digital camera digital logbook direct Direct Association Between Type 2 Diabetes And Obesity Found direct tv directionless dirve disability disabled disease disorders Disrupting Our Internal Clocks May Lead To A Complete Absence Of 24-Hour Bodily Rhythms And An Immediate Gain In Body Weight Ditto divorce lawyer diy mouse trap dlucose doctors donation doomsday Doughnuts down range Drexel University drinking drive drop out drug drug abuse drugs dry skin DSHS dvd e-cig e-cigarettes e-juice e-reader e-zines eastern medicine eating disorders ecigarettes Economics education Edward Norton effective treatments egg whites egg yolks electri vehicle electrical stimulation Electronic emergency emergency kit Emma Stone emotional employment empty nest EMR endocrine engraved medical id ereader ev everyone else eviction excess weight exercise exercise regularly exercise routines exterminators eye eye care eye disease eye glasses EyeBuyDirect eyebuydirect.com facebook fad diet fad diets family focused therapy Family Time fashion fatty acids favorite foods FDA feel fuller fire fish oil fitness Fitness Professionals Appreciate Online Continuing Education Options Fitness; Obesity; Diabetes; Molecular Biology; Mice; Biology flights florida Florida health kids program flu food Food and Dining food diary food network foods contain forgetfulness four more years free free android apps free diabetic wristband Free Stuff french fries fresh flowers fresh fruit Fresh Vending Machines fructose fructose corn syrup fruit full moon funeral Gadgets gangnam style Gastroesophageal gastroparesis GE X500 Power Series genes genes linked to bipolar GERD gestational diabetes Gestational Diabetes Patients Will Develop Type 2 Diabetes Give Aways giving glasses glooko glucagon Gluco(M) Glucofact glucose glucose levels glucose log glucose management glucose meter gluten free glycemic control glycemic foods glycemic index glycemic indexes godaddy google gout grain foods green tea group guest blog guest post hair loss handicap accessible vans handicap minivans handicap vans handicapped vans happy Happy Birthday Hello Cupcake It's Me happy birthday to me :) happy holidays Harvey Birdman hba1c health health benefits health care healthier fast food healthy healthy foods healthy lifestyle healthy snack hearing loss heart heart attack heart broken Heart Disease; Cholesterol; Stroke Prevention; Diseases and Conditions; Chronic Illness; Heart Disease; Cholesterol; Stroke Prevention; Diseases and Conditions; Chronic Illness; diabetes Heart Disease; Cholesterol; Stroke Prevention; Diseases and Conditions; Chronic Illness; stroke Heart Disease; Cholesterol; Stroke Prevention; Diseases and Conditions; Chronic Illness; Vioxx heart monitor heart on my sleeve heart problems heart rate heath and beauty hello hellocupcakeitsme.com help hemoglobin Her high blood sugar high school High-Fat Foods May Be A Factor In Glucose Control hiv hiv1 hiv2 hobbytron.com holiday holiday's home security alarms home testing Homeless Homeless Shelter Homer Simpson honda hospitalization Household Income Affects Chronic Disease Control In Kids Humalog Human IPSC Humor Humulin R U-500 hunger hungry hurt on the job hyperglycima hyperglycimic hypertension hypoglycemia hypoglycemic hypoglycemic episode iBGStar Blood Glucose Monitoring System Ice Cream Image improvement including mufa foods infection infested infographic information injury inspriation insulated bag Insulin insulin injections insulin patch insulin pump insulin shot record insurance claims internal medicine Interspecies Transplant investments ios ios 5 iphone iphone 4 its iTunes Iwerkz Foldable Bluetooth Keyboard Review Jenna Mables jewelry joann joann fabric and craft store joint pain Journal of Alzheimer's Disease juwait Keek kenguru ketoacidosis occurs kicking the habbit kid kidcare kids Killings kindle kindle fire kitchen counter kombucha Labor and Industry Lamp;I lantus Late-Life Depression lawyer learning issues legal help Lexapro LG Rumor libido life lifestyle changes light box lincoln Link Between Creativity and Mental Illness Confirmed in Large-Scale Swedish Study Lipohypertrophy living loan Lone Star College Shooting loneliness lose weight losing weight loss plan lost low blood sugar low glucose levels Low income cell phone low income glasses low t low testosterone lower glucose lowering lowering glucose levels Luminaze lung health lyrics lyrics of depression Mainframe Support makeup managing diabetes Manic marijuana market mary lambert Master Card maya angelou Maya Angelou dead at 86 me meal plan meal prepping meals require medflash media / television medicaid Medical medical condition medical help Medical Review Medical Studies medical studies. medicare medicare part d medication medicines meditation melody road memory loss men's health Mental Health mental health issues Menu menu options merry christmas metabolic syndrome metabolism metabolites metersync blue miami Michael Keaton microstimulator military minimum purchases mission d.a.d mission dad Mixed Results On Computer-based Support For Diabetes mobility money money saving moods motivation mourning movie review Movie Reviews music music thearpy musings/thoughts/ideas must have MV-1 n-3 Fatty Acids Nanoparticle Suspension and Ultrasound Deliver Insulin Without Regular Injections natural home remdies natural suppliments need needing help needles needy negative thoughts neil diamond Network/Community networking new app new baby New Jersey's Universtiy of Medicine and Dentistry new medication New smart contact lens could monitor glucose for diabetics Nick Jonas night lights nissan no insulin Nook Tablet BNTV400 Review north aferica nova nordisk Now that the holidays are over obama obama phone obama wins 2012 obese Obesity obituries OCD ODD Oil Pulling Olycap omega-3 onetouch online magazines online medical records optical zoom optical123.com Optimus ERM optogenetics oral health oral hiv test oral swab oraquick overcome depression Oxygen paid marketing pancreas parental depression parkinsons party passing Paula Deen pay attention payday payday advance paying kids to attend school pedometer personal food chart Personal Post pest pests photography pills ping plam beach county Plays poet port townsend positive thoughts Postpartum Depression pot prayer pre-owned pre-school pregnancies pregnancy prepper prepping preschool prescription president prevent complications prices processed foods product Product Review products Progress Project 1811 project rudolph proline promo codes promotional Promotions psoriasis Psy public health publich education purchas questioning quit smoking raisins reaching out real butter real-estate really scare rearrange recipes Record red meat red wine reefer reflux regenerate regular exercise rehab remodel research resistance resource resources retail therapy retinopathy revamp review Reviewing the Vapourlites Blueberry/Strawberry E Juice revitalift rich foods risk roller coaster russia rx s.a.d sadness safe sex safelink Safelink wireless sale salt Sandy Hooks Elementary School Schooting saving money savings scar school School Shooting schooling scrubs for cheap seasonal affective disorder Seattle self diagnosis self help self love self medicating senior resources seo sesame seed oil sex Shindigz Coupon Code Shootings shopping Short story shot record sick side-effects simple tips SIN TAX Site Review skin care skin tags skip meals skipping meals sleep sleep apnea smaller meals smart car smart cars smart phone smoker smokes smoking social media social security sodium software sore throat sores south beach south beach diet spiral notebook sponsored sponsored review sponsored; lawyer; family; legal; issues; sponsored/guest post spot removal. ssi Statin Labels stem cell stock pile stomach pain stoner stop smoking store stress stretch marks study submit submitted substitutions successfully lose weight sugar free sugar levels sugary foods suicidal thoughts suicide Supplementation Of Alternative Fuels Could Protect The Brain During Hypoglycemia support surgery survival systemic inflammation taboo tai chi take out tax tea tech teen teen mental health teens television temporary mood test animals test strips testicle testicular cancer testing testing supplies testosterone thanksgiving the learning company the lines project. #thelinesproject thearpy therapy thought Three Devastating Statistics of Diabetes Medical Malpractice title to write love on her arm tone Tosh.O toxins Tracfone trained professional transaction travel treatment trend diets tribute to my father triglycerides tsa tweets twitter twloha type 3 diabetes type-1 type-2 type-2 diabetes U.S. Medicare Part D Can't Explain North-South Disparities UK News ultra long acting UMDNJ underlying reasons Undiagnosed Pre-Diabetes Highly Prevalent in Early Alzheimer's Disease Study unhealthy unhealthy foods up and coming artist up and down upcoming holidays update uric acid usb value of a dollar vans for handicap vans for handicapped vans for wheel chairs mobility vans vans for wheenchairs vape vapor vapourlites vendor Veterans Day Video violation violence Visa Visiting Your Doctor Following ER Care For Chest Pain Reduces Risk Of Heart Attack vitamin d vitamin deficiency walking walking chart walnuts contain washington water waterski weed week in review Week of learning weigh yourself weighing yourself weight weight loss weight loss chart weight loss goals weight loss plan weight loss program weight loss success weight loss tips weight slowly what is it What Your Skin Says About Your Health wheel chair wheel chair vans wheelchair wheelchair vans where to buy cheap scrubs whipped butter winter blues womens health Work Out workman's compensation workout X-Men x500 xanax Xenotransplantation Young people with diabetes dying due to lack of adequate healthcare Yourtel youtube YouTube Internet Sensations Then and Now

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