HELLO CUPCAKE ITS ME

My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

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Monday, September 23, 2019

Fuck Depression

This picture accompanying my post is how I felt the last few weeks. My damn depression and bipolar was off the freaking hook. Last time I posted (8.21.19) I posted about being a bipolar monster. Well shortly after that, my depression kicked in like a motherf**ker.
And to compound the whole experience, I had situational depression and bipolar triggers that have been happening on top of that.

Now any of you who have followed my adventures through life on this blog or on the Youtube Channel know the struggles I have with my housing, making ends meet (I know that this struggle isnt unique to me alone), and with my mental as well as physical health.
Well part of my mental health issues revolve around PTSD and part of that PTSD is fear of being homeless. The reason I mention this is because one of the triggers that sent me deeper into the rabbit hole of "dear god just end me now" was that my kitchen sink broke. I knew that one side of the sink leaked and so I never used it. But I had no idea that the other side had started leaking. You are probably thinking "well Michael why didnt you just call your landlord?" Well any normal well adjusted person would have. But part of my phobia and anxiety is that my landlord will come into the house, see the problem that I called him for, and kick me out. I was raised "fearing" when the landlord came over. The air in the house would get thick, and stress levels went up. To which, being a kid, others anxieties were usually taken out on me in the form of yelling at me to "get out of the way" or "go to your room". Even though 10 times out of 10 it wasn't my fault, I carried that fear into my adult life.

Having to talk to any "authority" figure is difficult for me, unless we are the same age or within the same age range. But if they are older than me, say like 50 or 60+ then its a different ball game. I do not associate people who are my age as "adults". Its weird. Like they can be married with children, and I will still see them as kids. I dont know if that is because my Grandparents had a huge hand in raising me up, or if it is part of my long list of disorders and syndromes. Either way I do not think of people who are my age (38 at the time of writing this) or younger adults.
I see myself as 15yrs old mentally. I can relate to teens easier than I can adults and my peers. I feel the same now as I did then, just with a few extra "city miles" on the odometer. I've never really told anyone this (outside of my therapist) because I can't fully articulate it in a way that would make sense to my friends and family. When I have tired to talk to my family about it, it has been met with ridicule, so theres a lot that I dont disclose to most people.

But its been one of those things as of late, that people as me "hey how are you?" And mentally im screaming in pain and suffering in silence and want to burst into tears and just open a vein and tell them everything. Every dark secret, every dark thought, everything that I am feeling. But I put that side of myself in the corner and joke with them like I do whenever something bad, negative, or upsetting happens. I use laughter and comedy as forms of self defense. I have no idea where I picked this survival method up at, only that I use it more often than not. In school, I was bullied, A LOT. I was always considered the weird kid, the unpopular kid, the stupid kid, (insert other kids being dick phrases). People use to talk shit about me and to me. "You are so fat, you use the equator as a belt", "your mom is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house", "you're so stupid that you sit on the tv and watch the couch", "you are so ugly that the doctor slapped your mother when you were born", "your family is so poor, that your family got married for the rice." Just some of the more "milder" things that were said to me.
So I learned to take that power away from them by agreeing with whatever was said and turned their taunts into self deprecating jokes to take the sting out of their words. "You're so fat, you jumped and got stuck in the sky" (yeah I never understood the physics nor the logic of this one) to which I would have said something like "you think that is bad? My stretch marks look like a topographical map of Utah."
So yeah, I have that type of emotional well that I tap into. People have always said "oh you just have something to say about everything dont you?" Well when you are the pinata on the playground, and in other parts of your life, you learn to be a quick thinker.  You learn how to have a retort for just about any and all situations. So in serious situations, I sometimes resort to these tactics in order to help me process the feelings that I am having, and to try to lighten the gravity of the mood. Sometimes to others horrors and sometimes to their delight. Needless to say, I have a dark sense of humor. I also put words that are somewhat common place, into sentences and use them as insults that sometime takes the other person by surprise and makes them think about what I said, which in my own sick humor, is funny to me, watching them trying to deduce the meaning behind what I said while a handful of others have already got it, made the connection and are pissing themselves laughing. Point in case, someone in a parking lot and I had this exchange last night:

Her: you ain't shit you fat fuck (after a short exchange back and forth because the bitch almost hit me with her car as I was walking to mine)
Me: *inhales and cracks neck* listen whore, if we were put in Fat-abetical order I would be an A and your galaxy eclipsing ass would be a triple Z. Now moo cow your way back to whatever Golden Corral (a buffet here in Washington State) you put of business when you left. Buh bye
So yeah that is just one way that I "come back" at people. 
So all of that aside. I am feeling better at this point in time. I know that the depression and what have you havent completely gone away and that more is undoubtedly on its way. But getting my sink fixed by a local handyman and friend of mine really helped put me at ease, even though it left me beyond broke. I still owe him $40 on top of what I gave him already for parts and labor. But knowing that im doing small steps to make things better in my house is making me feel good. So I will just keep plugging along and get things done little by little. There are a few things that are going to be to big for me to do on my own that will require me calling my landlord in for. But for now im back to "normal". 
Sorry that I went on that long rant, but it just needed to come out. I keep so much bottled up that I have to vent every now and then.

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