The universe and my body are testing me

Some weeks just seem determined to test every ounce of patience you have. This was one of those weeks.

I woke up one morning, checked my blood sugar before eating anything, and was greeted with a lovely little number: 375.

As a Type 1 diabetic, that's one of those readings that immediately makes you stop and think, "Well... this isn't going to be a fun day."

The frustrating part about chronic illness is that your body doesn't always tell you why it's doing what it's doing. Sometimes you can do everything right and still feel like you're playing a game where someone forgot to give you the rules.

That pretty much summed up my week.

On top of that, my back has decided it's no longer interested in cooperating with the rest of my body. The muscles from my glutes all the way down the backs of my legs have been so tight they honestly feel like someone replaced them with concrete. When you're constantly adjusting the way you walk to avoid pain, your back starts compensating, then your hips get involved, and before long everything hurts.

At one point I was literally shaking from the pain. I had taken Tramadol. I'd taken 800 mg of ibuprofen. Nothing touched it.

So... I did what a lot of stubborn people do.

I improvised.

Out came the massage gun, and I started working pressure points, chasing muscle knots, and trying to convince my sciatic nerve that we were still friends. I even laid across one of those spine stretchers with the little massage nubs sticking out of it that look suspiciously like medieval torture devices. Surprisingly... it actually helped.

It's not a cure, but sometimes you stop focusing on finding the solution and start looking for a little relief. Those small victories matter.

Then there was the diabetes adventure.

Over the course of about five hours my blood sugar bounced from the low 100s to over 400... back down... then shot back up again. I kept giving insulin through my pump and nothing was happening. Fifteen units. Twenty units. Still nothing.

Eventually I decided to give myself a manual injection, and that's when I noticed blood leaking around my infusion site.

I pulled the pump off and found exactly what I suspected: blood mixed with insulin sitting underneath the adhesive, along with a blister where the cannula had bent instead of actually making it into the fatty tissue where it belonged.

In other words, all that insulin I'd been giving myself wasn't going where it was supposed to.

Within a short time of replacing everything, my blood sugar dropped back into range.

As miserable as the experience was, it reminded me of something that applies far beyond diabetes.

When something suddenly stops working, don't immediately assume you're broken.

Sometimes the equipment is.

That lesson applies to people more often than we'd like to admit.

I've also finally reached the point where I can't keep pretending my back is something I can just "push through."

For over a decade I've been telling doctors that something wasn't right. Degenerative changes in my spine have slowly become harder and harder to ignore, and now the pain is interfering with everyday life.

I've reached out to my medical team because I need more than another prescription.

Thankfully my insurance covers holistic care, so I'm hoping to build a treatment plan that includes physical therapy, occupational therapy, massage therapy, and anything else that helps me stay functional.

I've spent most of my life advocating for other people. It's about time I became a better advocate for myself.

Speaking of advocating...

This year I wore a shirt to Pride that combined two parts of myself I've kept relatively separate over the years: my love of tarot and my place within the LGBTQIA2S+ community.

If you've followed my work for any length of time, you know I don't make a habit of hiding who I am. At the same time, there are parts of ourselves we sometimes keep tucked away—not because we're ashamed, but because we're still figuring out when and how we want to share them.

Putting that shirt on felt like ripping off a Band-Aid.

And honestly?

It was liberating.

I'm still the same sarcastic, nerdy, mental health-obsessed guy you've always known. Nothing changed except that I stopped editing a piece of myself out of the conversation.

Authenticity has a funny way of making you feel lighter.

The other thing I've realized recently is just how... stuck I've been feeling.

The last real trip I took wasn't exactly a vacation. It was spending the final month of my biological mother's life helping care for her before she passed away.

That wasn't a getaway.

That was saying goodbye.

Since then I've had a weekend Airbnb here and there, but I haven't really gone anywhere.

I miss seeing new places.

Trying different food.

Meeting new people.

Walking around somewhere I've never been before.

Sometimes changing your surroundings is exactly what your mind needs to remember the world is bigger than the problems you've been staring at every day.

I've been looking at places like Salem, New Orleans, California, Illinois... honestly, even a weekend wandering around Seattle sounds refreshing right now.

A change of scenery isn't running away from your problems.

Sometimes it's exactly what gives you the perspective to come back and face them.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I've also been pouring myself into writing.

I'm working on a new manuscript that blends mental health with spirituality in a way that feels authentic to me. I've had several people express interest in collaborating once I get further along, and I'm genuinely excited about where it's headed.

Writing has always been how I make sense of the chaos.

It's therapy with a keyboard.

By the time the day is over, though, I'm usually ready to shut my brain off.

Lately that's meant throwing together something simple for dinner, curling up on the couch, and rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Sometimes self-care isn't some elaborate wellness routine.

Sometimes it's comfort food, a familiar TV show, and giving yourself permission to exist without trying to fix everything for one evening.

If this week taught me anything, it's that resilience doesn't always look heroic.

Sometimes resilience is changing an insulin pump.

Sometimes it's making another doctor's appointment.

Sometimes it's admitting you're hurting.

Sometimes it's finally allowing yourself to be seen for who you really are.

Life is messy.

Healing is messy.

Growth is messy.

But none of those things have to happen perfectly.

If you're carrying something heavy right now—whether it's your health, your identity, your mental health, or just life in general—I hope you'll remember to give yourself the same grace you'd probably give someone else.

We're all figuring this out one day at a time.

And honestly?

That's okay.

If you would like to get a copy of my book you can do so by following this link https://amzn.to/4eXgNiD 

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A Piece of My Story

If you’ve followed me for any amount of time—through the books, the blog, YouTube, social media, the podcast, or just random conversations online—you probably already know a large portion of my story.

You know where I’ve come from.
You know many of the struggles I’ve faced.
You know the battles I’ve fought internally and externally.
You know my heart, my humor, my perspective, and my passion for mental health, self-growth, and trying to leave things a little better than I found them.

Truthfully… you probably know about 85% of who I am already.

This post is about the other 15%.

And no—this isn’t some dramatic reveal or life-altering rebrand.

I’m still me.

Same person.
Same heart.
Same values.
Same mission.

The only difference is that I’m done hiding a part of myself that has quietly existed in the background for a very long time.

So here it is.

I am part of the LGBTQ+ community.

There. No dramatic thunderclap. No lightning strike. No spontaneous collapse of the universe.

Just honesty.

And honestly, for many of you, this probably isn’t surprising at all. Some of you likely figured it out years ago. Some of you may have heard pieces of my story and connected the dots. Some of you might be learning this for the first time.

Wherever you fall in that spectrum, I want to say something important.

This changes nothing about why I’m here.

I’m still going to talk about mental health.
I’m still going to write.
I’m still going to advocate for healing, growth, mindfulness, and self-awareness.
I’m still going to have deep conversations, weird tangents, and moments of humor mixed into serious topics.

I’m still going to be me.

Because my sexuality is a part of me—but it is not the totality of me.

And I think that’s something we as people sometimes forget.

We live in a world that loves labels. Labels can be useful. They can help us understand ourselves and find community. But labels are not identities in their entirety. They’re pieces of a much larger picture.

At the end of the day, I’m still just a person trying to navigate life the same way everyone else is.

Learning.
Growing.
Messing up sometimes.
Healing.
Trying again.

Like many people, parts of my journey have been complicated.

I grew up around ideas and environments where certain things weren’t always discussed with compassion or understanding. That creates internal conflict. It creates confusion. It creates fear, silence, and sometimes shame. And when you spend enough time hiding parts of yourself, you get very good at surviving—but survival and authenticity are not the same thing.

That’s something I’ve learned over time.

There comes a point in healing where honesty becomes necessary.

Not for attention.
Not for validation.
Not for applause.

But for peace.

And peace matters.

A lot.

My entire platform has always been rooted in authenticity, mental health, and self-reflection. I’ve encouraged people for years to be honest with themselves, to challenge harmful narratives, to heal old wounds, and to stop living solely through fear.

It would feel disingenuous to encourage that in others while continuing to keep this part of myself locked away.

So this is me choosing authenticity.

Plain and simple.

I also want to say something to anyone reading this who may be navigating their own journey—whatever that journey looks like.

You do not owe the world immediate answers.
You do not have to have everything figured out.
You do not need to force yourself into neat little boxes.
And you do not need to move at anyone else’s pace.

Growth is messy. Healing is messy. Self-discovery is messy.

That’s normal.

Take your time.

Be honest with yourself.

Lead with compassion.

And remember that you are far more than any one label could ever capture.

As for this community we’ve built together—thank you.

Truly.

Some of you have been here for years. You’ve supported my work, read my writing, listened to me speak, shared your own stories, and trusted me with deeply personal parts of your lives.

That trust means more than I can fully put into words.

I’ve always tried to create a space that feels human, inclusive, thoughtful, and grounded—a place where people from all backgrounds can come together and have real conversations without judgment.

That doesn’t change.

It won’t change.

If anything, I hope this simply allows me to continue showing up more fully and more honestly.

At the end of the day, I’m still the same guy.

Still passionate.
Still imperfect.
Still learning.
Still growing.
Still trying to help where I can.

Still me.

And for the people who’ve supported me, encouraged me, and stood by me—thank you.

For those who may see me differently after this, that’s okay too.

I’ve reached a place in life where I understand something deeply:

Not everyone is meant to walk with us forever.

And that’s alright.

I choose honesty.
I choose peace.
I choose authenticity.

And most importantly—

I choose to keep moving forward.

As always… thank you for being here.

— Michael

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Navigating Daily Life: Health, Personal Growth, and Pride Month Reflections

 Navigating Daily Life: Health, Personal Growth, and Pride Month Reflections

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you're fighting the world just to get the basics done? Some days are a total grind, but others are a win because you finally got some sleep and found your groove. It's all about those small victories, like checking off a long to-do list even when things go sideways.

I'm Michael from "Hello Cupcake, It's Me." If you're new here, I do Wednesday check-ins to keep things real. You can find my podcast at podcast.hellupcakeitsme.com, catch me on TikTok Tuesdays, or read more at hellocupcakeme.com. I also wrote a book called Carpdscrotto 365 Daily Affirmations if you need some positivity in your life.

Today we're talking about the real stuff. I'm sharing my recent battles with doctors, the joy of making art, and some strong thoughts on Pride Month. Life is messy, and it's better when we talk about it openly.

A Busy Day of Healthcare Navigation

Healthcare can be a nightmare. I spent my morning on a rampage of appointments and errands. I saw a new psychiatrist and spent nearly two hours getting things sorted. Finding a mental health pro who actually clicks with you is a huge win. I'd give this new doctor a 98 out of 100. She's an intern, which means she helps with meds before sending you back to a primary doctor.

Then things got weird at the pharmacy. I went to pick up my insulin, but the doctor had cancelled the script. My pharmacy called me yesterday to ask if my dose was correct. I've been taking the same amount for almost a decade. I had to explain that I'm insulin resistant. I use a pump, but I need manual injections for severe corrections when my blood sugar hits 300.

The pharmacy finally understood, but the mistake meant another trip to the store tomorrow. With gas prices being so high, the last thing I want is more unnecessary driving. It's frustrating when you have to be your own advocate just to get life-saving medicine.

I'm also in a tough spot with my primary care physician. The doctor I've seen for ten years just retired. Now I'm a boy without a doctor. I have a couple of leads, but my first impressions weren't great. I was sick during those visits, so I'm giving them a second chance. I might even tell them straight up that my first impression was terrible, but I'm willing to try again.

I also reached out to a friend in Minnesota who is a doctor. We've been friends for over 20 years. We grew up together, from party college kids to professionals. I asked her about becoming a patient via telehealth. I trust her with my life, so that would be the dream scenario.

Finding Momentum Amidst the Chaos

Despite the medical drama, I feel like I crushed the day. I got my rent money order done, did some shopping, and handled my therapy session. There's a certain high that comes from being productive when you've been stuck in a rut.

At the time of this recording, it was 2:30 PM and I was still in my "Zoom attire." You know the drill: a professional shirt on top and boxers on the bottom. It's the official uniform of the home-office era. It keeps the professional image intact while staying comfortable.

I also wore a chunky necklace I made myself. I used some turquoise that a friend gave me. Some of it is real, some isn't, but it looks great against a black shirt. People have been giving me compliments on my style lately, and it honestly makes me feel good. The stone is a focal point and looks heavy, but it's actually pretty light.

The biggest win today was my mental bandwidth. For the last few days, I had zero energy to do anything. It felt like my brain was offline. Regaining that capacity to function is the best feeling. When you have the bandwidth, the chores and bills don't feel like such a mountain.

Celebrating Pride and Confronting Bigotry

It's June, which means it's Pride Month. I love seeing the flags and the stories of love in the LGBTQIA+ community. Reading about how couples meet and seeing allies show up is empowering. It's a beautiful time to celebrate authenticity.

But the hate is already showing up. It's only the third day of June and the anti-Pride posts are everywhere. I don't get why people care so much about who other people love. If you don't like gay or trans people, just stay over there in your own club. Let people live their lives.

What really makes me angry is the violence toward transgender people. I've read about at least three cases of people being murdered or publicly shamed. Seeing people post laughing emojis under news of these attacks is vile. They use dead names and try to argue about pronouns while someone is suffering. It's disgusting.

Some people try to claim that gay culture is "new," but that's a lie. History shows us it's always been here. In ancient Mesopotamia, Greece, and Rome, sexuality was fluid. In Egypt, it was as natural as breathing. These cultures understood and accepted it long before modern laws existed.

There's also a nasty trend of calling homosexuality "pedophilia." Those are two completely different things. In the past, "adults" were often just people who had hit puberty or could fight in a war. Pedophilia is a horrible crime involving children. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. Mixing the two is just a way to smear a community.

To anyone leaving hateful comments: do better. That person you're attacking is somebody's child. They are a human being deserving of respect. You have no say in how they live their best life. If you would treat your own child that way, you shouldn't be a parent.

Embracing Support and Inner Resilience

Even with the hate, the support is stronger. Seeing the community come together is a reminder that we aren't alone. The outpouring of love from allies is what keeps the momentum going.

If you're underage and still at home, and you're afraid to come out, please keep pushing. If you don't feel safe, know that it does get better. One day you will look back and be proud that you survived. The world needs your light and your strength. In a world full of "Karens," be the person who actually cares.

Remember that you're doing the best you can with what you have. Be proud of who you are and the life you've built. Whether you're coming out or just trying to survive a bad week, your existence is valid.

Final Thoughts

Life is a mix of medical headaches and creative wins. Managing your health takes a lot of work, and sometimes you have to fight for the care you deserve. Don't be afraid to speak up when a pharmacy or a doctor drops the ball.

Taking care of your mind is just as important as your body. Pay attention to your mental bandwidth. When you're burnt out, give yourself grace. When you find your spark again, use it to get things done.

Most importantly, choose kindness. Pride Month is a reminder to be authentic and to protect those who are targeted by hate. Respect is a basic human right, not a privilege.

Stay proud, keep fighting, and remember that you are enough. I'll talk to you all later. Bye everyone!

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Navigating Life's Chaos

 

Navigating Life's Chaos: Understanding Traumatic Intelligence and Microaggressions

Ever had a week where everything that could go wrong actually did? Between a messed-up sleep schedule and a bank account glitch, some weeks feel like a test of your patience. But these chaotic moments often bring a chance to learn something new about how our brains work and how we treat other people.

The Week's Unforeseen Twists and Turns

My week started with a total blur. I stayed up until almost 3:00 AM binge-watching a show, totally losing track of the days. I thought it was Saturday night heading into Sunday, so I set my alarm for 9:15 AM. When I woke up at 10:30 and realized it was actually Saturday, I just gave up and went back to sleep for another hour and a half.

While I was awake, I spent a lot of time watching "Half Bad" on HBO. It is a slow UK show about two guys, Neil and Reuben, who are like brothers because their moms are dating. Reuben has a lot of anger and toxins in his life. It wasn't what I expected, and the episodes are long. It takes some real dedication to get through them.

Then came the financial mess. I was in the middle of a group therapy session when my phone started blowing up. Walmart Plus began trying to charge my account everywhere. It hit my bank, PayPal, and Capital One all at once. It even wiped out my PayPal balance.

The root cause was a mess. My mom's bank account had been hacked, and her card was shut down. Since she handles the membership, the system just started grabbing money from every linked source it could find. It was frustrating because that PayPal money was for something specific. Even worse, the stress happened right when therapy was getting good. By the time I fixed the glitch, I only had five minutes left in the session.

Quick Tip: Set up instant alerts on your banking apps. You should know the second a charge hits so you can stop a chain reaction before it drains your balance.

Understanding Traumatic Intelligence

During my writing this week, I found a concept called traumatic intelligence. This happens when someone lives in "fight, flight, or fawn" mode for a long time. It often comes from abuse or a major traumatic event in their past.

People with this kind of intelligence have a sharp eye for details. They can:

• Spot tiny micro-expressions on a person's face.
• Feel the energy of a room as soon as they walk in.
• Tell if someone is lying or hiding a bad mood.

Some people say this is just a survival instinct and not a "superpower." I disagree. Even if it comes from a bad place, being able to read people that well is still a powerful tool. Using these skills can help you understand the people around you on a deeper level.

Self-Reflection: Think about times you knew someone was upset before they said a word. This heightened sensitivity might be a survival skill you built years ago.

The Subtle Art of Microaggressions

I love people-watching at bars or restaurants. I use my knowledge of mental health to see how people interact. This is where I notice microaggressions. These are small, often unintentional actions that send a mean or biased message to someone else.

I remember a story from a year ago. A guy at a bar was complaining that some women "bitched him out" in the hallway. He said he was just adjusting himself and said "hello" to them as he looked up. To him, it was nothing. To the women, he was essentially grabbing his crotch and shaking it at them.

He didn't mean to be creepy, but that doesn't matter. The impact is what counts. You can't tell another person how they should feel about something you did. I tried to explain this to a group of men, but many of them didn't get it. They focused on their intent. I told them they needed to focus on the perception instead.

To avoid this, keep these points in mind:

1. Be aware of your body language in shared spaces.
2. Remember that your intent does not erase the impact.
3. Listen when someone tells you that your action felt wrong.

Navigating Personal Challenges and Growth

Life isn't always a peak or a valley. Sometimes it is just a flat line of day-to-day depression. I'm not in a deep hole right now, but I still feel that heavy pull. It is that feeling where you know it is a beautiful day outside, but you just can't bring yourself to leave the house.

I also have to deal with physical pain. My back is a mess, and my legs feel out of alignment. It is hard to focus on mental health when your body is screaming. My goal for next week is to finally get to the chiropractor. Getting the body in alignment often helps the mind feel more stable.

Actionable Tip: Don't ignore physical pain. Chronic pain can make depression feel worse. Schedule that appointment now so you don't push it off again.

Holding Space for Difficult Interactions

Recently, I had to "hold space" for someone I really don't like. We have a very rocky history. Holding space means listening to someone without judging them or trying to fix them. It means letting them feel their feelings, even if you disagree with them.

I told this person that everyone in the room has a different version of them in their head. You might think you are a great person, but to someone else, you might be the villain. Part of healing is accepting that you are a different person to different people.

We talked for about 45 minutes. It wasn't a "good" talk, but it was a necessary one. They asked how I knew all this. I told them it came from my own healing and studying mental health. After they left, I felt sick and cold inside. It took a lot of energy to stay neutral and kind.

However, I feel like I passed a test. I proved to myself that I can be supportive and understanding toward someone who has hurt me. That is a huge step in my own growth.

This week was a wild ride. It started with sleep issues and ended with a hard emotional test. But looking back, the chaos taught me a lot. I learned that my body needs care, my finances need a tighter leash, and my mind is getting stronger.

Understanding things like traumatic intelligence and microaggressions helps us move through the world with more empathy. It teaches us to be mindful of how we touch the lives of others. Whether it is holding space for an enemy or recognizing our own survival skills, every interaction is a chance to grow.

Since it is June and Pride Month, remember to just be yourself. People will adjust. In a world full of "Karens," be the person who actually cares about others.

If you have questions about mental health or want to share your own experience with these topics, leave a comment below. I would love to hear your thoughts. Keep doing the best you can with what you have.

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Navigating Mental Health Challenges and Personal Growth

Navigating Mental Health Challenges and Personal Growth: A Journey of Resilience

Have you ever woken up feeling like a zombie even after a full night of sleep? That is exactly how my morning started. I felt exhausted, spaced out, and completely drained. It is a strange feeling when your brain wants to do everything, but your body refuses to move.

Dealing with mental health challenges and personal growth is not a straight line. It is more like a messy scribble. Some days you feel like you are winning, and other days walking to a mailbox 500 yards away feels like climbing Mount Everest. This is the raw reality of living with depression and trying to find a way forward.

Understanding and Addressing Mental Health Fluctuations

The Nuances of Depression: Beyond Sadness

Most people think depression is just being sad or gloomy. For me, it is different. It is a weird paradox where I have zero ambition, yet I still want to achieve a million things. I want to be productive, but I cannot find the spark to start.

This version of depression makes you feel stuck. You might not want to be at home, but you also do not want to go anywhere. It is a heavy, numb feeling. It is not always about tears; sometimes it is just a total lack of energy.

The Impact of External Factors on Mental State

Small changes in a weekly routine can trigger big emotional shifts. For example, my therapist had childcare issues, so we moved our Wednesday meeting to Monday. That break in my normal flow seemed to throw me off.

The next day, I was an emotional wreck. Things that usually do not bother me made me cry. Other things that should have made me angry did not even register. It shows how fragile a mental balance can be when routines shift.

The Role of Self-Care and Routine

The Benefits of Physical Activity for Mental Well-being

Physical movement is one of the few things that helps clear the fog. I recently went swimming and covered 1,615 meters. That is just over a mile. I felt sore and tired afterward, but it was a good kind of tired.

Exercise acts as a reset button for the brain. Even when I feel mentally exhausted, pushing my body helps me feel more present. It is a way to fight the "zombie" feeling that comes from sleep medications and mental strain.

Establishing and Maintaining Daily Habits

Getting through the day requires a lot of effort when you are depressed. My morning involves a slow crawl. I go from the bed to the bathroom, put my bag together, and eventually make it to the living room.

I focus on small wins to keep moving. These might include:

• Resetting the internet modem.
• Brushing my hair.
• Doing a bit of work on the computer.
• Checking the mail, even when it feels impossible.

Pursuing Personal Growth and Skill Development

Exploring New Interests and Hobbies

I have wanted to try Tai Chi for a long time. I love the idea of it, but I want to do it with a group. I found a class that meets several times a week. It is a mix of Tai Chi and other styles, which is a bit annoying because I just want the real deal.

I decided to try the Saturday class from 9:30 to 11:00. I know I am being ambitious. Future Michael might not be up for it, but since it is not set in stone, I am giving it a shot. Tai Chi looks gentle, but it actually kicks your ass. Holding those poses for minutes is a real workout.

Committing to Educational and Professional Development

When I cannot leave the house or socialize, I need something to do besides sleep. I am starting my gap training for a certified peer counseling certificate. This is a way to turn my own struggles into a tool to help others.

The goal is to become a Certified Peer Specialist (CPSS). There are about four to six modules to get through. I plan to burn through them quickly. Completing this training will give me a sense of purpose and hopefully lift me out of this funky depression.

Navigating Life's Uncertainties and Future Planning

Reflecting on Past Decisions and Future Aspirations

I spend a lot of time thinking about "what if." I look back at old choices and wonder how things would be different. Now, I am trying to look forward. I will be 50 in five years, and I want to have a plan for that.

Planning for the long term is hard right now. Between the current political climate and my own mental health spells, five years feels like a lifetime. It is difficult to pinpoint exactly what I want for each year, but I am staying optimistic.

The Impact of Financial and Environmental Constraints

Money and gear often get in the way of mental health. I cannot drive my car too much because I do not want to put too much strain on it. Financial issues also make it hard to go out with friends.

These barriers make the isolation worse. When you are already exhausted, these hurdles feel huge. It creates a loop where you want to get out, but the cost and the effort feel too high to manage.

Finding Support and Creative Outlets

The Importance of Therapy and Emotional Processing

Therapy is a key part of my life. Even when the schedule changes, having that space to talk is vital. It helps me figure out why I am feeling volatile or why my mood has crashed.

Writing is another outlet I use. I am currently working on a new manuscript. Trying to make my thoughts coherent and cohesive on paper helps me organize the chaos in my head. It is a way to process things that I cannot say out loud.

Overcoming Setbacks and Seeking Continued Education

Learning can be frustrating. I tried to take an online class about grief and burnout recently. I was only in for 15 minutes before the teacher had technical issues and my internet cut out. I missed the whole thing.

Despite the glitch, I am still pushing for the certificates. I have a habit of getting into "phases." If I start studying mental health on a Monday, I feel the need to keep doing it every Monday. I want to take advantage of these bursts of motivation while they last.

Living with mental health challenges is a daily battle. There are days when you delete your important podcast files by mistake and feel dumb. There are days when you cannot even face your mailbox. But there are also days when you swim a mile and plan for a better future.

The most important thing is to be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can with the tools you have. Whether it is through Tai Chi, a new certification, or just getting out of bed, every small step counts.

If you are struggling, remember that it is okay to be a work in progress. Keep seeking support, keep learning, and keep moving. In a world full of people who only complain, try to be someone who actually cares about others and yourself.

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It sucks

 It really sucks when you are depressed and already feeling crappy, only to have someone that you love who is hurting and you cannot do anything about it. I have been hyper emotional and just overall blah and dealing with my own shit and recently learned that someone I love is going through a ton of potentially life changing issues, that you are powerless to stop, let alone fix.

I know that this is part of life and there's that whole serenity prayer "....grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." and I am having to find comfort in that knowing that things will work themselves out, but at the same time, wanting to force the universe to yield to the needs of my loved ones.

I dont understand why things happen the way they do. How someone can put forth all of this effort to make a good life for themselves and without much though or consideration for the impact of the other. I understand psychopathic and sociopathic people do this all of the time, but it really angers me that I can not fix this situation, as that is my love language. 

 

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Pride Month

 Every June is Pride Month for millions of Queer people around the world. Pride is a celebration of all of the accomplishments, trials, tribulations, and heartache that the community has faced and made it through. In recent years it has become more and more of a political crosshair, hot topic, talking point for many conservative politicians and religious officials. However, the basic idea behind the whole point of Pride is one of freedom and liberty. Freedom to live, to have the very same basic rights as heterosexual couples. The ability to marry, have a family, and just exist.

Views have shifted over the decades, but we still find ourselves fighting over these very basic freedoms. We have people who have weaponized the bible, and other religious texts or ideologies to make their point. You have politicians who are making laws based on these ideals, which in the United States is illegal as Religion and Politics are never to crossover based on the Constitution and other rights that were established when the country was formed. No one has the right to tell another person how they can live their life, as long as it is not hurting others. And someone being a member of the LGBTQIA2S+ community hurts no one, yet violence is hurled upon the community time and time again. We have seen entire establishments bombed and people gunned down. We have found bodies of people who were unfortunately taken from us way to soon. Such persons as Brandon Tina, Matthew Sheapard, are just some of the more famous names that top that list. And for what reason? Because someone thinks that them living their life is wrong?

I have always defended the Gay Community. I have friends, and family who are part of that community. And I stand fast in my defense of them and their rights to live. Because their rights are my rights. What happens in one community eventually translates into another until all persons are finally affected by the laws, and constraints envelope everyone. 

Regardless of your own personal opinions of the LGBTQIA community, we must make steps toward a future where everyone is respected and protected. You may not agree with it, but that doesn't mean that you should want those within that community to suffer. That is someone's loved one, someone's child, and what if that person was your loved one, or your own child? Would you still want them hurt, killed, or restricted in their living?

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WHAT THE ACUTAL FUCK

Today has been a "What the Actual Fuck" type of day. I woke up and was looking forward to going to my group therapy and while we were in session, I get a notification that a subscription was being withdrawn from my account, and then it was blocked, then was pulled from another account, then got blocked and finally taken out of another account which was linked to my bank account which at the time didn't have the money to cover the charge.

In a panic, I left my therapy session to deal with all of this and in the meantime my bank shut off my debit card which has everything in my life attached to it. My credit card almost locked up. And trying to follow the digital breadcrumbs, while being in crisis mode, and trying to navigate through all of the stupid automated prompts, just to get to a live agent, only for them to not fully understand the importance of what's going on and offering absolutely NO help in the long run, it makes an already stressful situation one that is a thousand times worse. 

In an age where everything is digital, one would assume that it would be easy to just recorrect the chain of events that have transpired but no. "I'm sorry Mr. Peterson, I don't have that prompt on my screen, and I do not have an option to do anything but the options that I have given you...." HOW IN THE FUCK IS THAT HELPING ME WITH CUSTOMER SERVICE? Like get your boss or your boss's boss or the president of the company, or the head of the shareholders, or Bob in Accounting, whoever it is call them and get them on this problem and fix shit. I swear the more advance we become, the more stupid people become. Because if it's not written out on their scripts then they can deviate from that. 

So now here I sit. Emotionally exhausted and physically tired, and hungry and still have an entire day to finish, and ZERO desire to do any of it.

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Cautiously Optimistic and pushing through

 It seems as if life has been going two separate directions and i am caught in the undertow of it. Were the rest of the world is speeding by, and we already find ourselves knocking on June's door, I still feel as if it were December. So, my internal clock is off, and I think it's partly due to the Disassociate Identity Disorder and just being in a mental pause right now. 

There is a ton that some part of me wants and needs to complete but then there are the other sides of me that are warming their hands by the dumpster fire that I symbolically find myself in right now. I am trying to make some big changes in my life and at the same time it feels like I am dragging these weights around that are keeping me from moving forward and that by doing so I'm falling into this complacent pseudo hibernation mode.

Dusting off the "professional" side of me and trying to connect the dots to make lateral moves is nice and refreshing as it is a side of me that I tend to really love. Spending hours in front of the computer doing research and networking, sending emails, and just being "office" productive. Meanwhile, my other personalities want nothing more than to be that teenager sitting in front of the tv playing video games and waiting for mom to come home and make dinner. While still the other parts of me want to retreat or fix up the living space and go full domestic mode. And then there is the "Main Me" that is feeling off of this internally and having racing thoughts while also having needs and wants that do not align with any other part of me.

My physical health is declining due to the lack of daily movement outside of swimming. I'm no longer walking or doing any physical activities like I was and lost all motivation for that AGAIN and I'm mad at myself for allowing that to be lost.

So, what is the solution? I do not currently know. All that I do know is that I am basically running on endorphins and spite.

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Whats been going on

 This week finally feels like it’s turning a corner. That cough I’ve been dragging around for weeks is finally easing up, and I can actually breathe without sounding like I’m auditioning for a tragic period drama. Even the inhaler isn’t knocking me sideways anymore, which feels like a small victory.

Saturday was one of those rare, really good days. I got to spend the whole day with my sister — something we don’t get nearly enough of. We ended up at the movies, which is basically my happy place. Dinner and a movie will forever be my idea of the perfect date. Simple, affordable, and it just works.

We saw Devil Wears Prada 2, and honestly, it surprised me in the best way. If you loved the first one, this sequel feels like a natural continuation. Somewhere in the middle of it, I had this moment where I realized how much Anne Hathaway’s role in The Intern mirrors what Andy could’ve become — the boss who once learned from a boss. This version of Andy is older, wiser, more grounded. A few familiar faces show up, and they definitely left the door cracked open for a part three. A couple filler moments, sure, but overall it flowed beautifully.

After the movie, we wandered around, grabbed lunch, and I picked up a Regal Cinemas Cup Funko Pop. I’d show it off, but I’m currently dressed for a Zoom call and not about to go digging through bags. It’ll get its moment.

Sunday rolled in with my usual routine — my weekly 9:30 a.m. call with Mom. We talk for at least an hour, sometimes more, and it’s become one of those grounding rituals I really look forward to. The weather was warm enough for shorts, so I headed to the farmers market for sourdough and honey. The honey was pricey but worth it, especially knowing it came from a local micro‑farm. SNAP EBT matched my $5, so I walked away with $10 in tokens. The bread, however, was long gone. That’s what I get for showing up late. Next time, Saturday morning it is.

Monday’s YMCA aerobics class absolutely wrecked me. And that was the light version. My thighs, knees, calves, shins, hips, and lower back all filed formal complaints. The soreness stuck around through Tuesday, but honestly, I needed that kind of push. Walking isn’t cutting it anymore, so I’m leaning into a mix of aerobics and swimming. Maybe aerobics on Mondays and Thursdays, swimming on Tuesdays and Fridays. Still figuring out the rhythm, but it feels good to be moving again.

Since the market betrayed me on the bread front, I’ve been daydreaming about baking my own sourdough — stuffed with whole garlic cloves and fresh rosemary. The kind where the garlic turns buttery and soft inside the loaf. Egg wash on top for shine. Slice it up next to a caprese salad with Trader Joe’s balsamic glaze (now $3.99 because inflation is rude). And yes, that glaze is incredible on vanilla ice cream. Don’t knock it till you try it.

Today I’ve got an in‑person therapy session, and I’ve been gathering old paperwork to bring with me. I found my Social Security hearing documents — evaluations, scores, notes, depositions. Reading through them was… a lot. Strange seeing yourself through the eyes of professionals who only knew fragments of your life. Still, I’m grateful for the chance to process it all face‑to‑face.

It’s also been a week full of unexpected community moments. A pharmacist asked if I ever finished my book (published November 2023 — wild). I told her I’d sign a copy if she picks one up. Same offer went out to a friend’s sister at the bar. At this point, half the town knows me, so getting a signed copy is basically a local scavenger hunt.

And then there was the parking lot conversation at the market. I ran into someone I’ve seen at her lowest. A helicopter flew overhead for a Flight for Life call — they stage at our tiny airport near the Canadian border — and she teared up. The kind of tears that reminded me of my biological mom’s struggles. She’s clean now but dealing with friends slipping into psychosis. My gut said, “Talk to her,” so I did. We stood there between parked cars having a real conversation — no office, no clipboard, just two humans trying to figure life out.

Before we parted, I shook her hand and said, “I’m Michael. I’m proud of you. You’ve seen rock bottom. Don’t let anyone drag you back there.” She asked if I was an angel. I laughed. “I’ve been called worse.” Sometimes the best counseling happens in the most ordinary places.

So that’s the week — healing lungs, movie epiphanies, sore muscles, bread cravings, therapy prep, and community connection. A reminder that progress isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s a conversation in a parking lot or a loaf of bread you haven’t baked yet.

You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got. Don’t let anyone else define your worth. In a world full of Karens, choose to care.

Thanks for reading.

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Hurt, finding hope, and holding space

It's been awhile since I've posted, so where to begin? 

I've made it my mission to make 2026 the year of investing in myself. I've begun by renovating my wardrobe. Purchasing beautiful new clothing, and making more of a physical investment for myself. I love nice clothing, and having fabulous accessories.

2024 taught me who was in my corner and what happens when I start focusing on my life without those people in it. It also showed me that with hard work and devotion I was able to publish my book. 2025 taught me who I was, and my place in the world, and became the catalyst for mental health care. 2026 I vowed not to allow anyone access to my peace, and to invest in connections and self, not clutter.

This brand new holistic approach that I am taking for myself has also placed me in the midst of being counselor for others which is amazing unto itself. One such interaction happened the night of me writing this post. A new friend is going through a tremendous amount of changes and stress and their mental health is not where it needs to be and just listening to them talk about how dark things are getting for them and being able to see part of myself in their story I understand where they are at and how much work needs to be done and how that work feels so monumental at the same time. And so for several hours today we just spoke and allowed tears to flow and just allowed things to kind of take place where they wherever the conversation lettuce is where we went. And looking at the disassociative identity disorder I felt my therapist side come forward and was fronting and being comforting and being logistical and listening to what was being said not for the ability to react but for the ability to understand I did a lot of what my peer counseling education taught us to do that we listen more than we talk and when we talk we utilize our own personal stories that are relevant to the conversation at hand and to bring our pure closer to us so that it doesn't seem like they are wondering through this vast darkness by themselves and always promoting hope always promoting acceptance and always promoting self advocacy and speaking to their strengths. And where it has left me emotionally drained especially since I have been going through some rather difficult bipolar moments that until just recently I had no idea where this surge in emotional feelings actually connected at and I realized that on February 14th is when I had to place my cat at into the vet and euthanize her and just how absolutely horrible I felt and how quiet the house was and how just absolutely distraught I was and then needing to talk to my biological mom needing to talk to my dad needing to talk to my grandmother and realizing that none of them are here any longer has really stirred up of myriad of emotions. 

But through it all I must comes that I'm getting rather good about the things that have taken place and I look forward to the future.

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Same energy as 2025

 Well, we are halfway through the first month of 2026 and it so far has been the same if not worse than 2025. I know that I have very little to complain about in the grand scheme of things, but I still get overwhelmed with everything. I know that my "bad day" is someone's best day and I have to try to keep that in mind. But since the week before Thanksgiving to now it seems like it has been one uphill battle after another. Thankfully I have a good support system. But I feel like I am a burden to many, even though they are too polite to really say anything.

I have a lot of things that I want to get accomplished this year; however, I am also not going to "white knuckle" it and try to impose my will upon the universe. I am going to just take things one day at a time and hope for the best. They say that this year according to the Chinese New Year is the year of the Fire Horse. So, it is my hope that I am going to just hold onto the reigns of the horse and allow it to blaze a pathway for wherever that takes me. I do not want to try and lead the horse in any one direction. I feel that if I truly surrender my life over to whatever higher power there may be and allow myself to drift in the currents of life, that I will be where I need to be.

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Happy New Year 2026

 

Well here we  are in the year 2026, Happy New Year.

Just 2 days into the new year and seeing the already looming Sword of Damocles suspended over the entirety of the nation, and my life in general.

I refuse to allow others to have access to my peace this year. I have made no resolutions, just goals that I am going to try and keep. Right now my biggest goal is just getting my car back up and running and taking better care of it. Not that I didn't have all the maintained services and oil changes done when it needed to be done. Just in general. My time without it has really been an eye opener. However, thankfully, my DID has seemed to hold off the typical panic attack that I would be having over not being freely independent. 

Also I want to be more present for myself this year. 24 & 25 taught me some hard life lessons, and I started to take my life back under control about June of 25. So we will see what transpires.

What are you most hopeful this year my dear reader?

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The frustrations of adulting

In this day and age, why is it that we still have to be on "hold" when we call into a company? They are not ones to wait to collect payments, or when they want information, or anything really. We're to jump through hoops, listen to countless hours of horrible hold music, and only to get to a representative who either cannot help us, doesn't speak our language so doesn't understand us or we them. Or to wait on hold for over 30 minutes for the call to drop. 

We can gather images from the very depths of space, and see things that no human has ever before, yet you walk into your kitchen and your call drops.

Today finds me trying to get ahold of Medicare in order to change my drug plan, otherwise I will be charged $75 a month from my $9.70 that I currently pay. Now I am not going to complain because I know that there are people out there that pay way, way, way more than I do. But still, I shouldn't have to be on hold until after the holidays. Like I have this vision of them leaving, going home, celebrating the holidays, and here I am a skeleton still listening to their shitty hold music. The mental image is laughable. But at the time of writing this I have been on hold for almost 45 minutes, collectively, after holding for almost 30 minutes prior and having the call disconnect.

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Virtual Fitness Challenges and more

So, since August I have been enrolling in Virtual Fitness Challenge's, and I have found myself really enjoying them. Each of them giving me a new challenge, and a new goal to reach. It all started with My Adventure Challenge, where I had to walk 50 miles from September 1st to October 31st. I was able to complete it within 3 weeks. Doing about 3 to 4 miles a day.

Im really enjoying it. The movement, the knowing that my efforts to lose weight and becoming healthier are going toward some great causes. Each medal is a milestone marker for me. I remember the work and effort that I put into obtaining it. Not just the physical work but the financial work too. And where I do live on a limited income, I am trying to set aside a very little amount each month to join in these challenges.

If you are trying to figure out how and what to do in order to get yourself to start losing weight, or just moving more, all you need to do is open your door and walk the neighborhood. If you can't walk that far, look for exercises you can do while sitting. Theres a really amazing content creator that I follow called Downsizing Natti Instagram YouTube

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Getting back on track

 So, after my bout with depression I have somewhat sprung back into sync with my Fitness Challenges and working toward my goals.

I have, since my last post, finished my Suicide Awareness and Prevention challenge. With this, that finalizes fitness challenge with #virtualpaceseries for the month of October. These 32.94 miles that I've done have taken me on my own journey into my thoughts of #suicide and the stigma around mental health and the loneliness of men's mental health.

Anyone who knows me can say I'm anything but typical in the male department. But I still have that unique understanding and that #maleego #malepride of having to be tough and shoulder the burden and not be one in return. To take on everyone else's issues while barely holding on to my own. To be the man my dad wanted to be, and feeling like I fall short of that daily.

Spending serval hours a week, sitting across from two different therapists, psychoanalyzing the fractured memories and traumatic past to try to put together somebody who the world can look at and say "that's my friend...that's somebody that I can count on..."

So every step I took this last month. Every hard day. Every muscle ache. Every tear that fell because my depression flared up. I dedicate these steps and miles to the countless people, all the men, women, they's, them's, and everyone in between, to you. You're not alone. Keep moving forward. Even if the only thing you can do is just make it to the next second/minute/hour/day, is brush your hair. Eat your 5th bowl of cereal. Re-watch that one comfort movie/ show for the thousandth time. Keep going; your story doesn't stop here!

Reach out to someone you can trust and get it up off of your chest. They would rather help carry your darkness than your coffin. It's vulnerable and hard, but you're worth the personal discomfort! It doesn't make you weak. It proves how strong you are!

Now the next challenge for the month of November is my Day of the Dead fitness challenge with #VPSFitness

#mentalhealth #walkingforfitness #walkingforlife #walkingfordiabetes #corestrengthening #corestrenght #diabeticwarrior #diabeticwalking #smallsteps #smallstepstobigchange #keepmoving #plussizehiker #plussizehiking #notsponsored #notsponsoredbutshouldbe #challengeyourself #walkingforacause #virtualchallenges #selfdedication

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Motivation where?

 So, after this last bout of depression, I have lost most if not all of my motivation. I have done nothing more than eat and sleep the last few weeks. And it is starting to get to me. Yesterday I ate all day and laid in bed. I was invited out, but the actual thought of having to put clothes on, and venture outside was more than I could muster, even though I desperately needed to get out of my house. The most I've done since Friday is open the door for a moment look around outside and close it and go back to my bedroom. 

I have been eating my meals in bed again. I have just nested. I don't like this, but I cannot seem to find the will to get out of my house let alone my bed unless I absolutely have to. I've even stopped swimming as much as I have been, using my friend's injury as an excuse, to my factual excuse of just not having the money for gas to go into town 4 times a day like I need to.

However, if this self-imposed hibernation is going to continue, then I need to put my "down time" to work and at least do some chores around the house. 

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The return of depression

So as wth every fall leading in on the winter months, my depression has seemed to return. I find it funny that it should return only days after I completed a Mental Health Challenge called Choose the Light, with this company called Virutal Pacer Series.

I don't pretend to uderstand why my depression comes and goes. However, I am beginning to be able to pin point its orgins pretty well. And this bout started October 4th during a music event being held at the bar I like going to. Now all that I can do is just sit back and wait for it to come to a conclusion. 

While that is taking place, I do not know what I should be doing with myself at the moment. I feel like I should be writing. I feel like I should be taking some classes. I feel like I should just sleep until March. And I feel like I should really dig my heels in and just throw myself head first into all of it and  just power through the whole ordeal

Either way I know that its going to be a long winter if thi

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 October 1st I started a new Challenge with Virtual Pace Series called "Choose the Light"

This challenge is one dedicated #suicideawareness As you may know I deal with mental health issues and suicide ideology, which is something many others struggle with too. 

So, it's my hope that during my time set to raising awareness that I'm able to not only help myself as we transition into the winter months and the gloomy season, that I'm able to help others in their time of need and to be able to reflect on my own struggles and learn to ask for help regardless of how depressed I am.

Mental health is something that we all experience from time to time and for most (myself included) it's a lifelong battle. If you have been a consumer of my content for any period of time, then you'll know this about me. So, when I saw that there was a challenge that was dedicated to mental health and suicide, I knew this had to be something that I took part in. 

I have already done 5.91 miles toward my 5k or 3.1 miles goal which has completely exceeded what I originally signed up for, so I think the furthest that I can go for this challenge is Half marathon which is 13.01 miles or 21.09K. At the very least I am going to push for the 10k or 6.2 miles.

For those of you in the United States if you are dealing with Mental Health issues or are in crisis, please call 988 for the National Crisis Line. If you are a member of the Queer Community and want to speak to someone who is more familiar with the unique issues Queer persons experience, please reach out to The Trevor Project 24/7 Suicide Hotline for LGBTQ Youth - We’re here for you Now www.thetrevorproject.org tel:1-866-488-7386 sms:678678 or https://chat.trvr.org/ 

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Fall once again

 So, life has been fairly good the last few weeks. There was some stress and duress and a small bout of depression and anxiety, but thankfully nothing like Fall of 2024 when I was the most suicidal, I had been ever. This time last year I had so much piled up on me that it was just overwhelming. I had my book that was about to be published, that was far behind the deadline that I was comfortable with. My father's birthday hit me hard that year. Plus, a person who I thought was a friend, ended our 14yr friendship, plus caused another person to remove themselves from my life.

I just keep thinking back and trying to figure out why things were so difficult then vs now. Sure, I've had my ups and downs this year, but strangely nothing as bad. I feel healthier than I ever have been. I'm losing weight, and I am able to walk longer and further than ever before. I can actually feel the muscles developing under the fat. When I place my hands on my sides it feels strong and not squishy and pillowy. I've challenged myself to swimming at least a mile a day. I took on not one but two different fitness challenges. One that I have to walk 50 miles from September 1st to October 31st, and one that I have to swim 5 miles for The American Cancer Society. 
As of writing this post, I have completed 4.60 miles of the ACS challenge, and 13.71 total for my #fall50challenge

I think the other thing that has helped me this time around is that I am back in therapy and seeing two different therapists. If you have been following along with the YouTube Channel or the Podcast you will know about this journey and the new self-discoveries made during this. I'm still working on my writing projects. I still need to re-edit my currently published book Carpe Diem Scroto 365 Daily Affirmations, but have been working more on my two upcoming books Carpe Diem Viate, and The Healed Child and the Toxic Environment/The Healing Child and the Toxic Parent (working titles) both of which I am putting a lot of time into. Right now, The Healed Child is the one I am focusing the most on at the moment. It is picking a lot of the scabs that have healed, and dredging up old memories, and having to take a moment to sit with them, digest them, and put fingers to keyboard to type it out, and then change it to protect those persons who are still alive and that could be affected by my use of real world, lived life experiences. 

So that is life in a nutshell at this moment in time. I hope you take some time to check out the YouTube Channel and the Podcast, and give the books website a gander. 

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