My Mental Health has gone down hill

So over the last few weeks, my mental health has taken a steep decline. Up until July 11, 2023 I had almost 9 months of good mental health days. I was happy, and feeling optimistic and just good. But it all started with my car breaking down and the subsequent falling of dominions thus after. 

After my car broke down, I started having to figure out how to get from point A to point B, and how to get it fixed. Then while all of that was happening, I had to figure out how to secure the funds to get it fixed. Being on SSDI makes anything outside of my already tapped out meager income damn near impossible to deal with. Then comes the darkness of the mental health.
For the last few weeks, my depression came back with a furious vengeance. I started having thoughts of suicide, and feeling like I was less than, and having panic and anxiety attacks. My bipolar mood swings would take me from extremes highs to lows within a moment. I have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained. Then I had the added issues of household problems. Things that I have yet to get fixed. But I have started tackling the biggest of the issues which is the clutter around my house. 

On top of all of this, the hardest thing to deal with has been the suicidal ideation. The constant barrage of intrusive thoughts and the "voices" telling you that you would be better off dead, and that you are a waste of space, that you are a burden to everyone around you, and that no one really cares about your problems because they are stupid and unremarkable. 

With the ideation, I play out these horrible, detailed events of my actions. What I would do, how I would do it, where I would do it, and what I would say in my letters. Years ago I wrote suicide letters to all the people in my life at the time that I felt I needed to say good bye to, and just leaving them with a last word. A few years ago, I came across them again, and I read each one. I cried doing so. But then I found the strength to burn them. As I lit each one on fire, and watched it turn to ash, I felt that I was leaving behind that part of my old self. I almost rewrote them. This time with the perspective of someone who has pushed harder, worked harder, loved and lived harder than that person who wrote those letters years ago. 
I felt like that younger person, while they only understood from their point of view, hadn't lived enough to really understand the person who had lived almost 10 years longer. Not discounting the experiences that I had then. But the things that had happened between then and now were somewhat different. That person still had a father, and hadn't made three trips back to California since his passing. That person, hadn't made friends on an international level. That person had never been on a cruise, or seen the sights of the far north. That person hadn't pulled through a very abusive relationship. So at this time, one can only wonder at what another 3 years would be like? 

Im not saying I will never lose the fight. That someday my life will end by my own means. But there is a grain of hope, that pushes me forward. A macabre defiance to see just how bad things will get, and what the final tipping point was. I don't hold on for others. There's really nothing "keeping" me here, outside of lacking the actions of my convictions. I stay because there is a part of me that "needs" to. But to what end? That I am unsure of. For now I am steadfast in my decisions to keep moving forward. To allow the morbid curiosity to drive me to see how far down the rabbit hole I will go. To hopefully see the progression of time until it is done by nature, not by self.

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Stress and Mental Health

Mental health is already a beast to deal with on its own. However, when you couple it with stress and other external factors, it becomes a tipping point for many. 

Today, I want to open up and share a very personal and heartfelt discussion about mental health and the struggles many of us face. It's important to remember that you're not alone in this journey; we all experience moments of stress, anxiety, and overwhelming emotions. The key is to embrace our mental health and find ways to navigate the stormy seas together.

I understand firsthand how intrusive thoughts can be relentless and all-consuming. Sometimes, it feels like the weight of the world is pressing down on our shoulders, and the idea of seeking help can be daunting. But trust me, dear friends, it's okay to ask for help. We are all warriors, and warriors need support on their journey.

When those moments of overwhelming stress strike, here are a few techniques to deescalate the manic whirlwind and find your center:

1. Deep Breaths: Take a deep breath in, hold it for a moment, and exhale slowly. Repeat this process a few times to calm your racing thoughts.

2. Grounding: Connect with the present moment by feeling the ground beneath your feet. Acknowledge your surroundings and remind yourself that you are here, in this moment.

3. Nature's Embrace: Step outside, feel the sunshine on your skin, and immerse yourself in the beauty of nature. Nature has a way of soothing our souls and easing our minds.

4. Reach Out: Never hesitate to reach out to someone you trust when you need a listening ear. We all need a little support from time to time.

Remember, it's okay to feel vulnerable. It's okay to have bad days. What matters is how we take care of ourselves and each other during these moments.

If you ever find yourself struggling with intrusive thoughts or feelings of despair, please remember that help is just a call or click away. Organizations like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK) offer free, confidential support 24/7.

In addition to seeking help when needed, let's explore some free and empowering ways to cope with daily stress:

1. Mindfulness Meditation: Embrace the power of mindfulness and meditation to find peace within yourself.

2. Art Therapy: Express yourself through art, whether it's painting, doodling, or writing in a journal.

3. Laughter Therapy: Watch a comedy show or share a good laugh with friends. Laughter truly is the best medicine!

4. Daily Affirmations: Speak kind words to yourself and cultivate a positive mindset. "I am strong. I am resilient. I am worthy."

Now, let's find solace in knowing that even the brightest stars have faced their own battles with mental health. Celebrities like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Lady Gaga, and Ryan Reynolds have openly shared their struggles with anxiety and depression. Their stories remind us that mental health is a journey, and it's okay to seek help and support along the way.

Remember, you are worthy of love, happiness, and healing. Your mental health journey is unique and beautiful. Embrace it, seek support when needed, and know that brighter days are ahead. Let's walk hand in hand, supporting each other on this path to inner peace.

So let's be kind to ourselves and each other. We are not alone in our struggles, and there is strength in our vulnerability. Remember, there is beauty in the process of healing, and your story matters. You are a warrior, and together, we'll navigate the waves of stress and mental health challenges. Let's find hope, joy, and love in the journey, one step at a time.

Sending you all a warm embrace and a reminder that you are never alone in this beautiful mess we call life. Together, we rise above the storm. You are loved. You are valued. You are enough. Keep shining! 💖✨ 

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When the time comes, are you ready?

Thinking about your end of life preparations is never an easy topic or thing to do. But in reality we dont know when our time is up. For years, this very thought has weighed heavily on my mind. Will my family know what to do with my things? Will they even know where to start with my online life? Will they know how to access my banking information? Will they have enough money to deal with my funeral? 

I began keeping all of my important documents in a briefcase next to my front door, so that they are easily accessible if I need to leave my house quickly. This came from losing everything to a house fire and not having backup copies of the most basic information. Do you know where your social security card is? Do you know where your birth certificate is? Do you know how to go about getting a new birth certificate? Do you know where the registration and title to your car is? Do you have backup ATM cards? These are all things that should be in one area and ready to go at a moments notice. Because trust me, in an emergency situation, you dont have time to gather everything important. 
You should have digital copies of everything too. Have them saved on the cloud somewhere, and even on a thumb drive. I keep a micro SD card filled with all my personal information including my passwords and login's, a copy of my drivers license, passport, birth certificate, medical cards, ATM/Credit cards, and any other relevant information, in my wallet. I also keep a digital copy in my briefcase too.

I keep a digital copy of these things too on my phone. Most phones have the ability to make password protected folders. Or there are free programs that you can download that allow you to secure folders and files on your phone. When I travel, I always make sure to keep updated pictures of all my ATM cards front and back on my phone. When I went on a cruise, I made sure that I took a picture of my passport too, just incase I lost it along the way I could have them at least run my number and see that the picture that came up on screen and the information all matched. Im not sure if it would work that way but its better to at least have that information and try vs not having access to any of it right?

The reason I'm writing about this right now is because I just spent the better part of a hour updating all of my personal end of life files and saving the backup copies to their respective places online and within the house. 

You need to talk to your friends and your loved ones about your End of Life wishes and have a plan set up. Also take some time to go to the hospital and set up a file there. Tell them you want to set up emergency contacts and list people and their "power" over your decisions. I have several people including their phone numbers, addresses, and emails set up for mine and who can make decisions and who can not make decisions. Not only does this help the medical staff, but it also keeps people from coming in and making demands of your treatments, who may otherwise not know anything about what you need or want.

You can never be to prepared. Make sure that you do everything you can to help your loved ones through your emergencies and passing.

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June is National Pride Month

June is National Pride Month, but with living within the LGBTQ+ Community comes a gambit of issues that cause many to feel like they should "self check out". There's so many reasons not to, even though you have religious bigots, and politicians trying to condemn and take away rights and freedoms that are not theirs to abolish. 

You matter! Your life matters! Your unique soul makes the world a brighter place. If your loved ones or the people around you are exhibiting those types of behaviors, please find the strength to carry on. If you are still living at home, one day you'll have a home filled with love and safety, surrounded by the family you create and deserve. 

But some tips to help you deal with mental health issues,  and dealing with anti LGBTQ issues

1. listen to some music

2. try to do something creative like paint or do a craft project

3. try going for a walk 

4. watch a funny movie/show/stand up

5. reach out to friends and family that you feel safe around, even if you are not feeling it. Sometimes just connecting with others helps us get out of our manic modes.

6. If you cant come out our feel unsafe doing so, join social media groups of like minded people to find that community and peer support. 

7. Take a nap. Sometimes just resting well help mentality reset things.

These things can help, but not always. If the depression is situational, just keep telling yourself its going to pass. You are your biggest cheerleader when you are in this state. You've got to dig deep, and find that strength to pull through. If you cant find the strength and just need to talk to an outside party or need a touch stone that isnt within your circle of friends or family here are some resources for you:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

​1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line

​Text HELLO to 741741

Alcoholics Anonymous

​(202) 966-9155

Narcotics Anonymous

1-800-543-4670

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Spanish)

1-888-628-9454

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-7233

Veterans Crisis Line

1-800-273-8255

National Sexual Assault Hotline

1-800-656-4673

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Options for Deaf and Hard of Hearing)

1-800-799-4889

Child Abuse Hotline

1-800-422-4453

​Trevor Lifeline LGBTQ+

    1-866-488-7386

​

Trevor Crisis Text 

Text the word START to 678678   *Standard messaging rates apply

Trans Life  

​1-877-565-8860

Elder LGBTQ+

1-877-360-5428

There's a whole world of love and support. Don't think that by reaching out to someone for help makes you less than or weak or a burden, because you are not a burden! You are loved, you are seen, you are needed, you are worthy, and you are enough!

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Maintaining a positive head space

Maintaining a positive head space can be a challenge for anyone, but for those dealing with mental health issues, such as depression, it can feel nearly impossible at times. However, it is possible to cultivate a positive mindset and maintain it even when facing difficult circumstances. Here are some tips for maintaining a positive head space when dealing with depression and other mental health issues.

1. Practice self-care: Self-care is essential for maintaining a positive head space. It can include things like taking care of your physical health, getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in activities that bring you joy.

2. Set realistic goals: Setting realistic goals can help you feel a sense of accomplishment, which can boost your mood. Start with small, achievable goals and gradually work your way up to more significant ones.

3. Surround yourself with positivity: Surrounding yourself with positive people and environments can help lift your spirits. Try to spend time with friends and family who are supportive and encouraging.

4. Challenge negative thoughts: Depression often leads to negative self-talk and thought patterns. Challenge these negative thoughts by examining the evidence for and against them and replacing them with more positive and realistic thoughts.

5. Stay active: Exercise is a powerful mood booster. Swimming is an excellent option for those with diabetes as it is a low-impact exercise that can help manage blood sugar levels.

6. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness involves being present in the moment and paying attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Mindfulness practices such as meditation, yoga, and deep breathing can help you stay grounded and centered.

7. Seek professional help: Depression is a serious condition that often requires professional treatment. If you're struggling with depression, don't hesitate to seek the help of a mental health professional.

8. Build a support network: Building a support network of friends, family, and mental health professionals can help you stay positive and motivated.

9. Focus on the present: Dwelling on past mistakes or worrying about the future can contribute to feelings of depression and anxiety. Focus on the present moment and enjoy the small joys of life.

10. Celebrate your successes: Celebrating your successes, no matter how small, can help boost your self-esteem and confidence. Take time to acknowledge and appreciate your accomplishments, no matter how insignificant they may seem.

So maintaining a positive head space when dealing with mental health issues like depression is challenging, but it is possible. By practicing self-care, setting realistic goals, surrounding yourself with positivity, challenging negative thoughts, staying active, practicing mindfulness, seeking professional help, building a support network, focusing on the present, and celebrating your successes, you can cultivate a positive mindset that can help you navigate life's challenges with greater resilience and strength. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself, and never give up hope.

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living with diabetes and dealing with mental health

Living with diabetes can be challenging, both physically and mentally. Diabetes is a chronic condition that affects the body's ability to produce or use insulin, a hormone that regulates blood sugar levels. It can lead to various complications such as heart disease, nerve damage, and kidney problems if left uncontrolled. However, the impact of diabetes on mental health is often overlooked.

Diabetes and mental health are closely intertwined. People living with diabetes are at a higher risk of developing mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. The stress of managing blood sugar levels, medication regimens, and lifestyle changes can take a toll on a person's mental health.

If you're living with diabetes, it's crucial to prioritize your mental health. Here are some tips for taking care of your mental health while managing diabetes:

1. Seek professional help: Don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional if you're experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety. They can help you develop coping strategies and provide support through challenging times.

2. Stay active: Exercise is not only good for your physical health but also your mental health. Regular physical activity can help relieve stress and improve your mood.

3. Connect with others: Join a diabetes support group or connect with others who are living with diabetes. It can help you feel less alone and provide a sense of community.

4. Practice self-care: Take time for yourself each day to do things that make you feel good. This could be taking a warm bath, reading a book, or going for a walk.

5. Monitor your blood sugar levels: Uncontrolled blood sugar levels can contribute to mood swings and feelings of anxiety. Make sure to monitor your blood sugar levels regularly and work with your healthcare provider to keep them in a healthy range.

Living with diabetes and prioritizing mental health care can be a balancing act, but it's important to remember that taking care of your mental health is just as important as managing your physical health. With the right support and resources, it's possible to live a fulfilling life with diabetes.

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Positivity: The Power of a Positive Mindset

Positivity is a term that is often thrown around, but what does it really mean? Simply put, positivity is a mental state characterized by the presence of positive emotions, thoughts, and beliefs. It is the opposite of negativity, which is characterized by negative emotions, thoughts, and beliefs. Positivity can have a profound impact on our lives, from our mental health to our physical health, our relationships, and our success.

Research has shown that positivity can help us to cope with stress, improve our mental and physical health, and enhance our overall well-being. So, how can we cultivate a positive mindset in our lives? Here are some tips:

1. Practice gratitude: Gratitude is the practice of focusing on the good things in our lives, even when things aren't going well. It has been shown to improve our mental health, increase happiness, and reduce stress. Start a daily gratitude practice by writing down three things you are grateful for each day.

2. Surround yourself with positive people: Our social environment has a significant impact on our mindset. Surround yourself with people who are positive, supportive, and uplifting. Avoid those who are negative and toxic.

3. Practice positive self-talk: The way we talk to ourselves can have a big impact on our mindset. Challenge negative self-talk and replace it with positive affirmations. For example, instead of thinking "I can't do this," try "I am capable and will give it my best shot."

4. Engage in activities that bring you joy: Doing things we enjoy can boost our mood and increase positivity. Make time for activities that bring you joy, whether it's a hobby, spending time with loved ones, or exercising.

5. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of being present and fully engaged in the current moment. It can help to reduce stress, improve mood, and increase positivity. Try incorporating mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, into your daily routine.

6. Set goals and focus on progress: Having goals can give us a sense of purpose and direction. Break down big goals into smaller, more manageable tasks, and focus on progress rather than perfection. Celebrate small victories along the way.

7. Take care of your physical health: Our physical health can have a big impact on our mental health. Prioritize getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and exercising regularly.

In conclusion, positivity is a powerful tool that can help us to overcome challenges, improve our mental and physical health, and enhance our overall well-being. By practicing gratitude, surrounding ourselves with positive people, engaging in activities that bring us joy, and prioritizing our physical health, we can cultivate a positive mindset and live a happier, more fulfilling life.

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A thought about thoughts that are unkind

Depression and other mental health issues can be debilitating and affect every aspect of a person's life. They can make it difficult to concentrate, make decisions, and even perform routine tasks. However, it's important to remember that these feelings are not permanent and can be overcome with the right tools and mindset. Here are some tips on how to best overcome mental health issues:

1. Seek professional help: Depression and other mental health issues are medical conditions that require treatment. Speak with a mental health professional to determine the best course of action for your specific needs.

2. Practice self-care: Taking care of your physical health can have a positive impact on your mental health. Exercise regularly, eat a balanced diet, and get enough sleep each night.

3. Connect with others: Isolation can make depression and other mental health issues worse. Make an effort to connect with friends and family, or consider joining a support group.

4. Set realistic goals: When you're struggling with mental health issues, it can be tempting to set big goals. However, this can be overwhelming and lead to feelings of failure. Set smaller, more achievable goals instead.

5. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness is a practice that involves being present in the moment and accepting your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This can help you better manage your emotions and reduce stress.

6. Identify triggers: Certain situations or people may trigger negative feelings. Identify what triggers your depression or anxiety so that you can avoid or manage those situations.

7. Find purpose: Having a sense of purpose can be beneficial for mental health. Find a hobby or activity that brings you joy and fulfillment.

8. Challenge negative thoughts: Depression can cause negative thoughts that spiral out of control. Challenge these thoughts by asking yourself if they are true or if there is evidence to support them.

9. Get outside: Spending time in nature can have a calming effect on the mind and reduce stress.

10. Limit social media and news consumption: The constant stream of negative news and social media posts can worsen mental health issues. Limit your exposure to these sources of information.

11. Practice gratitude: Focusing on what you're grateful for can help shift your focus away from negative thoughts.

12. Consider medication: In some cases, medication may be necessary to manage mental health issues. Speak with a mental health professional about your options.

13. Get support from loved ones: Let your loved ones know what you're going through and how they can support you.

14. Accept your emotions: It's okay to feel sad or anxious sometimes. Accepting your emotions can help you better manage them.

15. Celebrate small victories: Celebrating small victories can boost your mood and help you feel accomplished.

Remember, overcoming mental health issues is a journey and not a quick fix. It takes time, patience, and effort. Be kind to yourself and don't give up. With the right tools and mindset, you can overcome depression and other mental health issues.

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A Positive Uptick

 

So over the last few days I took to cleaning my house. It has been a very meager endeavor however, a productive one none the less. Now many people would not think it is a "big deal" and isnt post worthy. But why it is a "big deal" in my universe is because I literally do not clean as it triggers my depression and unpacks a lot of repressed childhood trauma and negative emotions. 

Because of this my house looks much like an episode of hoarders or some other show you'd see on television about extremes. But what many don't realize is that when one suffers with depression or other mental health issues, "normal" things like self care go out the window.
So my cleaning is a good thing, as it shows that my mental health is in a fairly good place at the moment. "Well that is just an excuse for laziness" and where you may think that, it isn't the case. Studies show that the executive functions of the brain are basically shut down during times of prolonged stress, and mental duress. I am not an inherently messy person, I like the idea of organization and having things neat. But I lack the drive most times to execute the task. Also growing up, cleaning was used as a form of punishment, and there were a lot of negative connotations that went along with it. So whenever I do clean, like I said above, it triggers those memories and I feel like I am in trouble. 

So for the last 3 days I have been taking very small sections of my house and trying to clean and "improve" them. This last weekend, I swept the bathroom floor, beat the hall way runner, and vacuumed it. I cleaned around my desk, the floor of my desk, my coffee table, and a small section of my living room. I put all my insulin pump supplies into some plastic storage drawers that I bought about a year ago, and did my dishes. I ended up throwing away two 55gal contractor trash bags full of stuff. I still have a ton of things to do. But I am pretty proud of myself, at the moment.

Does this mean that my depression and mental health are cured....no! It just means that I am having a positive uptick right now and am feeling pretty good about myself and the humble accomplishments that I have made. 

Outside of this sudden cleaning spree. I have been working on my daily motivational book. I have so much that I need to do for that book, but I am almost at Beta Reader phase, which in itself is pretty exciting. I have an illustrator set up for doing the artwork. I have some helpful forms/inserts ready to be placed into it, and feeling good with the formatting that I've done. So all in all good things a brewing. 

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A cautious happiness

 So over the last few days, it has come to my attention that it has been almost 6 month since I started going to the YMCA. And its been almost as long since I've really experienced any depression too. Its been nice not having my brain yell at me every second of the day telling me that I would be better off dead, and that no one loves me, and that I am a burden, etc. 

It has given me a few moments of clarity and has given me leeway into having the energy to work on my mental health book. I really am placing a lot of energy and time into this thing and I hope that something comes of it. At the time of writing this I have 81 days worth of daily quotes and inspirations. I know that I still have a ton to do in order to get it to rough draft. But its been nice working on this. Daily when I wake up, I take out my phone and I write what I am inspired to do so that morning. 
I have sent a few pages of it to an AI Language Model to see what it thought of the transcript so far and it came back with some very positive feed back. Now if only human's will do the same that is something completely different. 
I recently asked my niece if she would consider doing some illustrations for the book, and she has agreed to do so. Right now my main driving factors in life are going to the YMCA, Tuesday Night Trivia, my YouTube channel, my Podcast, my feeble attempt at learning American Sign Language, and my book. Kind of a sad simplistic life I know. But considering what my life was like prior to 2012 I'll take it. About the only things that I miss from that time period is my friends, and going to college. Above that, there really isn't much else. 

I have thought about yesteryear and some of the other things that have led me to this point in my life. Most of it good, a little bad, but regardless its been an interesting road along the way. I often ask myself, what next? But it truly scares me to think to much into the future nowadays. Just trying to think about what im going to do on the coming weekend oftentimes is to much. I've also had this yearning for fellowship. Of surrounding myself with likeminded folks and being able to have a group. Dont get me wrong, I have plenty of friends, but no one that I can really vibe with outside of certain situations. I dont know how to go about filling that void. Maybe as the weather changes for the better and we transition into spring, I will get a clearer mindset.

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