A period of

So I realized this morning as I was waking up, that I haven't updated my blog in awhile. I make sure to update my YouTube channel and my Podcast but somehow overlooked my poor blog. 

Well if you have been following along with me for any length of time then you know I can get kinda distracted and forgetful. But for those of you who are new and for those of you who dont follow my other social media, its been a really good few months. Feb 16th was Bella's one year passing, and the 23rd was Ba-Boy's one year adoption anniversary. So both of those days were very emotional for me. I still miss the hell out of Bella, and Facebook with its constant reminders and photo/video suggestions really keeps her memory alive.
I've not been as depressed as I normally am, which is something I am very thankful for. I am just experiencing sadness, which is nice. I know that you are probably scratching your head thinking to yourself "how is sadness a good thing?" But there is a difference between depression and sadness. Many think they are one in the same, but they are not. Sadness is happenstance. Typically brought on by an event that has just happened or finding that your pet has passed. Depression is more a whole body thing. Its chemical, and mental. Its your brain saying that "you are unloved", "you are a failure", "you are stupid for wanting better than what you have, because you dont deserve nice things", "you are ugly that is why no one wants you", "your friends are not really your friends they only entertain your presence...." The actor Jim Carrey said "Depression is you needing Deep Rest from the character that you have been playing, and trying to be strong for everyone but yourself.." I am paraphrasing it, but that is the jest of it. So being able to just experience sadness without it turning into me literally spending weeks in bed wanting to kill myself, and just being able to cry and move on has been wonderful and amazing. 

My new cat Bernard aka Ba-Boy has been a true help with most of it. I honestly believe that I wouldn't have been able to go much longer after Bella's passing without having someone else in the house with me. That constant companionship and just knowing that he is here with me really puts me at ease. And as you can see from the picture above, I think he kinda likes me too. 

Ive started doing things that use to bring me happiness and enjoyment, namely crafting. I found that a lot of my abilites have all but atrophied, but are starting to come back. I really want to try to get back into painting which is something I think im going to save for this summer when the weather is warmer and nicer and I can go out into the woods and just paint. I have started taking care of myself more too. Ive been going to the YMCA several times a week and swimming and doing water aerobics and meeting new people. And with that comes more self care, something that I was desprartly lacking there for the last few years. I've to date lost about 17lbs. Im feeling better about myself, and am even planning on getting back out and walking this April. I miss walking the trails, and seeing the hidden side of my surrounding town and countryside. The little hidden gems that you dont see everyday as you are wizzing by in a car at 50mph. 
Of coming face to face with a large Buck who is grazing on the undergrowth of the forest. This is one of the deer that live in town, and I wasn't walking, I was in the passenger seat of my sisters car when I spotted him.
 I love seeing nature, and to experience these forest puppies is damn near divine. So yeah I have some goals and asperations that I am going to attempt. I am being gentle with myself and not placing any major deadlines on things. Just do the best I can with what I have when I can. And so I have been doing just that. If you havent checked out my Podcast I would really encourage you to do so it can be found at Https://ancor.fm/hellocupcakeitsme or on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, CastBox, Pocket Casts, RadioPublic, and Stitcher,

And please go give the YouTube channel some love too www.youtube.com/hellocupcakeitsme

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2022 a Review

 2022 has seen a good many up's and down's. We've lost some pretty amazing actors, actresses, singers, composers, friends, and family. We've seen uncertainties and unrest carried over from the Covid scare. We've had many achievements in the fields of industry after the pandemic lockdowns. We have gone even further into the cosmos and seen new sights that were not meant for our undeveloped mortal eyes. We have seen war, patriotisms, extremism, and a reemergence of a drowsy hatred revitalized by political platforms. We stand now as a nation of divided freedoms, ideals, and self appointed importance's. We find ourselves creeping headlong into a future where a divided dream is hoped for excited outcome. But we lack the knowledge that a fractured dream is nothing more than a pretty nightmare. Power for the sake of holding others at bay, will never allow for advancements. It isn't until we correct our vision, that we can see the true commonality that binds, and holds us all together. Sure we may differ from person to person. But the common thread that binds us all and weaves us into the tapestry of life are spun from the same fiber. There is a blurring of the spiritual and the political which makes for a powder keg of troubles. Those claiming that the nation should be one of faith, and those claiming that it should be of politics, and still those who believe that divinity and political should stay separate. Those who looked back upon the pages of history and saw the fatal footsteps lead by the past regimes and seeing that those boots worn by the people of present are falling instep with systems that proved to not work. 

Its also been a retrospective period of time. I have often caught myself looking in the rear view mirror more than I probably should this last year. Wondering about the what if's and the maybes. Wondering what would have happened if I had taken that proverbial "left turn at Albuquerque." I have also found myself wondering at the outcome of me never having left my home state. What my life, such as it was at the time, would have been like now in the last days of 2022. And further still, what would have happened if I had not thought that I had fallen in love, and quit schooling. Would I be the English teacher my father so wanted me to be? Would I have some how still messed that all up? What if I had not dropped out of the Med Tech schooling? Would I now be the Phlebotomist that I had trained to be, after my feeble attempt at returning to college? Would I be working some dead end retail job? Where would my mental health be in all of this? Would I still be masking myself and my true feelings to prove that I was "ok"? 

There are a lot of things that have come up over this past year that has really caused a pause and a good hard look at those pathways and bridges that are no longer accessible to me, either through timing or through them being shut to me forever. I guess that is why they say "in hindsight"? But that is also the folly of youth isn't it? To think that tomorrow has so many possibilities, not realizing that when tomorrow is today, a quarter of a decade passed. 
The romance of youth is the dream that you can do anything that you set your mind to. The reality is that sometimes those dreams are forgotten by trying to live life. But all we can do is our best with the time that we still have. I use to think on the phrase "tomorrow isn't promised" with ignorance. I now know the importance of those words. My young ears, and developing mind, didn't understand them then. 

The aspect of ones own mortality is never a conversation one likes to have with oneself. The idea that within the blink of an eye, everything that makes you, well you, can be snuffed out by some supernatural force. Whatever miracle that created life, can suddenly stop it. Be it divine intervention, cosmic coincidence or some yet unknow scientific biological time clock that says 41 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days is enough time for the energy that inhabits my body or soul That as quickly as my life sparked into action, it goes away just as fast. Leaving behind the shell of what and who I once was. 

Somber to say the least. But it is with happiness that I take these next steps into yet another new year. A linear march forward by mortal constructs. The idea of resetting the clock, and starting all over with a whole new year. A blank canvas of possibilities. Of fresh starts, and new adventures. The tossing aside of compass's and maps. To blaze a hopeful new trail for ones life. And the secret hope in some higher power, that you are granted the strength, fortitude, and stamina to see out these changes, the new paths, and what is to come around the corner, and over each new horizon, as the sun, moon, and rain falls, sets and rises on the just and unjust alike. 

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Random musing

 Good morning people

Remember that your journey in life has many ups and downs. Sometimes you'll climb those ups with ease, and sometimes you'll slide back down. The main thing to focus on is the destination. Enjoy your journey too. Embrace the suck. And learn your lessons along the way. Offer a helping hand even to those who wouldn't do the same. We all are at different places in our own personal journey. We all come into each other's lives for a reason. Some come to teach us, some come to learn from us, and some come to just be characters along the way. There are no negative sittuations, only teachable moments. Yeah they cause us to feel bad about what's happening, cause us to feel  depressed, or even cause us to cry. But those tears cleanse our souls and make us grow. Take time to look in the rearview mirror, but don't forget to look ahead too. Only glance at where you've been, and how far you've come. We can make a thousand excuses and blame everything in the world, but if you aren't putting one for forward, then you'll never take those steps needed to continue moving forward, even a flat tire can still roll.

You can't let the chains of the past and the neverending what if's hold you back. Forgive yourself and forgive others so that you can rid yourself of those unhealthy trauma's and energies. So what if someone did something crappy to you, do you think that their actions against you is keeping them from living their life? NO! So why should that situation keep you from moving forward and living your life. Forgive them for yourself and put that pain to rest. It's not serving you, it's not helping you, it's not doing good for you. Grow from the pain, learn the lessons therein, and move past the trespasses.  Don't become jaded or complacent either. Only you can push past your barries, otherwise you before stagnate and let precious time slip by. We are only given so much time, no one knows when their clock will stop.

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I did a thing

 So I've done a thing. I joined the YMCA and it's been a really interesting choice so far. So I've needed to start working out since I haven't been able to walk. So I've started doing water aerobics. Y'all when I tell you it's been kicking my butt, that's a bit of an understatement. My legs hurt so bad. But I'm sure it'll get better the more I do it.

I'll be covering my adventures on YouTube channel www.youtube.com/hellocupcakeitsme and on the podcast www.anchor.fm/hellocupcakeitsme 

Right now it's only Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. But I'm hopeful that it will pick up and be offered 5 days a week.

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My Cirkul Water experience

I dont endorse or tell yall about things I dont try and like myself. And its no difference with this product. Not only is it budget friendly but I just love it.

Lets face it, drinking water is no fun. After awhile you just go through the motions. But why would you when you could get yourself Cirkul? What is Cirkul? It is a great way to drink more water and add a little flavor while doing so.

What makes Cirkul unique (besides the spelling?) is the Sips cartridges that provide you with up to 6 20oz bottles of flavor infused water, not only make you want to drink more water, but in doing so you are saving on plastics and other landfill. You also get to dial in the flavor. So if you like really strong strawberry taste, then your setting may be a 6 or 9 for max flavor. Do you only want a hint of Peach Mango? Then a 2 or 4 is the setting for you. Do you only want a sip of water, then dial it to 0 and get your drink on.

The other thing that is amazing about Cirkul is that they have a new water filter cartridge that is only $10 and will filter more than 15 gallons of water. So you can have the purest water, and the most amazing flavors at hand whenever you need to take a drink of water.

And when you use the link below you get a great discount, and free shipping. So take a moment and check out all the great selection of flavors, bottle options, and become a member of the #CirkulFamily

https://drinkcirkul.com/share/Michael-V6104628265050

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Back at it

  Well I am going to give it another go. I have been sedentary for two years now. My back, my legs, and other parts of my body have begun to suffer. I can barely stand for any length of time. I find it difficult to walk. I was doing so good, and that god damn kidney stone took it all from me.

If I continue on the path I am now, I will probably be totally immobile within the next year or two. So this is day 2 of me doing my little bit of exercise. Of drinking 1 gallon of water a day with apple cider vinegar in it, and making sure I dont go over my daily caloric intake.

Im not the praying type, but I do hope that I can find the strength and stamina to do this again and keep it up this time.

Help keep me motivated. Follow me over on YouTube and on the Podcast

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The 4th of July

Many people celebrate the 4th of July for different reasons. Some its a holiday to get drunk and have a BBQ, others its for the celebration of our freedoms. For me, it is a little bit of both. But mostly as a time of getting together with friends and family to celebrate being together. And it will always hold a special place in my heart. My dad absolutely loved the 4th of July. 
Early in life he established it as a great traditional pass time for me. Every year we would go to the firework stand and get as much as his hard earned money could buy us. And with eager anticipation I would stare wide eyed at all of the pretty packages of explosives, like a kid looking at presents under a christmas tree. Night time couldn't come soon enough. I would count down the seconds leading up to sunset and the hour afterwards so that for just a few moments, a years worth of hard work and savings would burn up in loud noise and colorful arrays of flaming brilliance. 

It was my dad's time to be a kid again. To light each of the little boxes, and shoot into the sky fountains of multicolored sparks and deafening booms. He would laugh and run back and forth between them. Being a child and naive of the hardships of making money, and raising a family, and all the responsibilities of being an adult, it was to me, never enough. I always wanted more and more fireworks. I dont think that it was from a place of greed, but from a place of happiness and seeing him enjoy himself, and how it typically brought the family together. 

Even once I was in my teens and even in my early adulthood. We would gather to watch fireworks even if we didnt set them off ourselves. I could feel his excitement as we would watch them. Now that he is gone, the 4th isnt really the same anymore. I still gather with friends and family. And I hold his laughter in my heart. 

So today when you gather with your friends and family. Dont say harsh words. Remember the time that you have with them and make great memories. Dont blow anything off  either!

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Pride Month

June has been deemed Pride Month and as such so on the YouTube channel I am showcasing a member of the LGBT+ Community on each video. The first video I did today was on Brandon Teena, who was a transgender man who was murdered and raped you can watch the video here. 

The next video is on Mathew Shepard. I am hoping to shed light on hate crimes and help others to LGBT History. So I hope that you will take some time to go visit the YouTube channel and learn about these amazing men and women.

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Feeling Blissful

Over the last few days I have felt rather blissful. Im still battling the last leg of Covid. I'm past my 10 day infectious stage. But I have this damn lingering cough, sore throat, and ear infection. The doctor's will not do shit about it, and I honestly believe that its "punishment" for not being vaccinated. But one good thing did come from getting Covid. I was given an iPad Air 2 and a MacBook Air. I've never been an Apple person. But I now find myself in possession of 3 iPhones, 2 MacBook's, an iPad, a iPod Shuffle, and a 80gb 5th Generation iPod Video. Out of all of those devices, the iPod Video was the first. I got it as a gift from my sister back in 2005. Yes they all still work. 

Ive been using the iPad to go to school and do classes online through Alison.com and for playing my favorite matching game Match Masters, and just recently, to watch videos on it. With the MacBook Air, I had to reinstall the whole OS and upgrade it from OS X Lion to High Sierra. I also had to upgrade the battery on it as it was bad and wouldn't hold a charge. So I was able to find a new replacement battery on eBay for $18 with free shipping and the tools needed to open it up and preform the upgrade. I watched 9 different YouTube videos on how to do the battery and how to reformat the computer and do a clean install on it. 

Mind you I am a PC person and the bulk of my computer repair and operation knowledge lies therein. So all of this is new territory for me, and I must admit that I really have enjoyed learning a new system. I want to do more with the newer MacBook. I want to upgrade the hard drive (SSD) on it and install new memory to boost it from being 128gb SSD and 4gb ram to 1tb and 16gb ram. But finding the funding to do so is very difficult. The cheapest 1tb SSD I have found is about $120 and the ram about $60. And well living on the $0.00 that I do, it may not happen anytime soon.

My friend made the Magneto sticker for it, she works at a vinyl shop and did it for free saving me $15 its only off by a fraction of a centimeter, but its ok, I love it. I agonized over trying to decide on which sticker I wanted on the back, and out of about 15 choices, I chose Magneto, and asked her if she could do it and here it is.

Outside of the whole geeking out on computers and what have you. I have been geeking out over the show Downton Abby. I haven't been that drawn into a tv show in a long time. And now that I have finished the whole series on Netflix, I am debating on going to the movies to see Downton Abby the New Era or wait for it to come out on DVD. And other than that, my cat has become more at home, and constantly showing me new sides of his personality. I will fully admit that I am not as attached to him as I was Bella, and I hope that someday I will be. Dont get me wrong, I freaking love that dork, but its not the same right now as it was for Bella and I. But I have only had him less than a full 3 months. So Im sure with time Ill grow to love him just as much. Here is a video of him being extra geeky and this is legit something he just started doing.

 

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What to do

 So as per usual I get a midnight phone call about the biological egg carton, telling me that she is back on her way to the hospital and that she is being well HER!

I honestly don’t know what to do about her, let alone do I actually want to do anything about her. My night was peaceful and nice, just watching the Simpson’s and playing with my cat. Now a kind of gloom has set in. It’s not the stress of “oh my poor old mom is in the hospital what ever shall I do” its more of, well shit, now what. She’s on a self destructive journey and has it in her head that living on the streets at 71yrs old is going to be the best thing for her. The people she is staying with currently are doing their best, or so they tell me that they are, to take care of her.

I really would like to see her placed into a facility and just become a ward of the state as it were, so we wouldn’t have to worry about the what if’s all of the time. But honestly I have no idea what the next step is, let alone the future. Just sweep it under the rug for now I guess, until something can be done.

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