The 4th of July

Many people celebrate the 4th of July for different reasons. Some its a holiday to get drunk and have a BBQ, others its for the celebration of our freedoms. For me, it is a little bit of both. But mostly as a time of getting together with friends and family to celebrate being together. And it will always hold a special place in my heart. My dad absolutely loved the 4th of July. 
Early in life he established it as a great traditional pass time for me. Every year we would go to the firework stand and get as much as his hard earned money could buy us. And with eager anticipation I would stare wide eyed at all of the pretty packages of explosives, like a kid looking at presents under a christmas tree. Night time couldn't come soon enough. I would count down the seconds leading up to sunset and the hour afterwards so that for just a few moments, a years worth of hard work and savings would burn up in loud noise and colorful arrays of flaming brilliance. 

It was my dad's time to be a kid again. To light each of the little boxes, and shoot into the sky fountains of multicolored sparks and deafening booms. He would laugh and run back and forth between them. Being a child and naive of the hardships of making money, and raising a family, and all the responsibilities of being an adult, it was to me, never enough. I always wanted more and more fireworks. I dont think that it was from a place of greed, but from a place of happiness and seeing him enjoy himself, and how it typically brought the family together. 

Even once I was in my teens and even in my early adulthood. We would gather to watch fireworks even if we didnt set them off ourselves. I could feel his excitement as we would watch them. Now that he is gone, the 4th isnt really the same anymore. I still gather with friends and family. And I hold his laughter in my heart. 

So today when you gather with your friends and family. Dont say harsh words. Remember the time that you have with them and make great memories. Dont blow anything off  either!

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Pride Month

June has been deemed Pride Month and as such so on the YouTube channel I am showcasing a member of the LGBT+ Community on each video. The first video I did today was on Brandon Teena, who was a transgender man who was murdered and raped you can watch the video here. 

The next video is on Mathew Shepard. I am hoping to shed light on hate crimes and help others to LGBT History. So I hope that you will take some time to go visit the YouTube channel and learn about these amazing men and women.

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Feeling Blissful

Over the last few days I have felt rather blissful. Im still battling the last leg of Covid. I'm past my 10 day infectious stage. But I have this damn lingering cough, sore throat, and ear infection. The doctor's will not do shit about it, and I honestly believe that its "punishment" for not being vaccinated. But one good thing did come from getting Covid. I was given an iPad Air 2 and a MacBook Air. I've never been an Apple person. But I now find myself in possession of 3 iPhones, 2 MacBook's, an iPad, a iPod Shuffle, and a 80gb 5th Generation iPod Video. Out of all of those devices, the iPod Video was the first. I got it as a gift from my sister back in 2005. Yes they all still work. 

Ive been using the iPad to go to school and do classes online through Alison.com and for playing my favorite matching game Match Masters, and just recently, to watch videos on it. With the MacBook Air, I had to reinstall the whole OS and upgrade it from OS X Lion to High Sierra. I also had to upgrade the battery on it as it was bad and wouldn't hold a charge. So I was able to find a new replacement battery on eBay for $18 with free shipping and the tools needed to open it up and preform the upgrade. I watched 9 different YouTube videos on how to do the battery and how to reformat the computer and do a clean install on it. 

Mind you I am a PC person and the bulk of my computer repair and operation knowledge lies therein. So all of this is new territory for me, and I must admit that I really have enjoyed learning a new system. I want to do more with the newer MacBook. I want to upgrade the hard drive (SSD) on it and install new memory to boost it from being 128gb SSD and 4gb ram to 1tb and 16gb ram. But finding the funding to do so is very difficult. The cheapest 1tb SSD I have found is about $120 and the ram about $60. And well living on the $0.00 that I do, it may not happen anytime soon.

My friend made the Magneto sticker for it, she works at a vinyl shop and did it for free saving me $15 its only off by a fraction of a centimeter, but its ok, I love it. I agonized over trying to decide on which sticker I wanted on the back, and out of about 15 choices, I chose Magneto, and asked her if she could do it and here it is.

Outside of the whole geeking out on computers and what have you. I have been geeking out over the show Downton Abby. I haven't been that drawn into a tv show in a long time. And now that I have finished the whole series on Netflix, I am debating on going to the movies to see Downton Abby the New Era or wait for it to come out on DVD. And other than that, my cat has become more at home, and constantly showing me new sides of his personality. I will fully admit that I am not as attached to him as I was Bella, and I hope that someday I will be. Dont get me wrong, I freaking love that dork, but its not the same right now as it was for Bella and I. But I have only had him less than a full 3 months. So Im sure with time Ill grow to love him just as much. Here is a video of him being extra geeky and this is legit something he just started doing.

 

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What to do

 So as per usual I get a midnight phone call about the biological egg carton, telling me that she is back on her way to the hospital and that she is being well HER!

I honestly don’t know what to do about her, let alone do I actually want to do anything about her. My night was peaceful and nice, just watching the Simpson’s and playing with my cat. Now a kind of gloom has set in. It’s not the stress of “oh my poor old mom is in the hospital what ever shall I do” its more of, well shit, now what. She’s on a self destructive journey and has it in her head that living on the streets at 71yrs old is going to be the best thing for her. The people she is staying with currently are doing their best, or so they tell me that they are, to take care of her.

I really would like to see her placed into a facility and just become a ward of the state as it were, so we wouldn’t have to worry about the what if’s all of the time. But honestly I have no idea what the next step is, let alone the future. Just sweep it under the rug for now I guess, until something can be done.

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Being sick as single adult

 When you are younger and you get sick, its almost like a holiday. As an adult, its anything but. As a kid you are waited on hand and foot. You got to watch The Price is Right, drink 7-Up, and ear the almighty Chicken Soup with saltine crackers. As an adult you wander around your house aimlessly. Searching for whatever comfort you can find. If you are hungry, you have to find the food and cook it yourself. With a raging fevor as hot as the skillet you are cooking in. Then you have to doctor yourself up, eat your food which is probably burned because you were zoning out in a sickness induced fevor dream.

As a kid, the passing of time had no bairing on you. As an adult you look at the clock and realizing that your days are flying by. You contiune to worry about bills, getting back to work, and everything between. I am a bit of the both. I am a single adult, who doesn’t work due to medical retirement, and I watch the days tick by. At the time or writing this, its been 6 days since I started getting sick. Im constantly tired. My fevor comes and goes, and all the food in the house needs to be cooked and I have no staminia to make any of it.

In short, I wish I was still at home being looked after by my grandmother or my mom. I dont want to be an adult right now lol. But what do you do, but get better as fast as you can and get back to life right?

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The spring and it's changes

 With spring in full bloom things are starting to look up for the better. My depression is slowly going away. I've even been gifted some really nice things! I've been given an iPad Air 2, and a MacBook. I've as yet got the MacBook to work as the power cord didn't work so now I'm waiting for it to come.

I'm actually writing this post on the new iPad. It's a bit to get used to, as I've been a PC user my whole life. But it's rather nice to have something new to learn and play with. I've also been going down a rabbit hole of a new TV program (new to me) Downton Abby. Y'all I'm in love with this show. 

Also I'm seriously falling in love with my new cat Ba-boy. He's so sweet. Don't get me wrong I loved and miss bella, but he is going to be a great friend and companion for years to come. 

So things are good. Plugging away on the YouTube channel, and the podcast. 

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Doing better, feeling good!

 Well I fell as if I am finally past this last depressive spell I went through. Bella's passing, being out of sorts with my friends, feeling lonely and angry, really did a toll on me. I miss Bella daily. The adoption of Ba-Boy has really changed things in me. Im trying to keep from yelling and screaming at him, and take into consideration that even though he is a large cat, that he still is a kitten and still needs time to learn and to be trained.

Daily he does new things and shows me a new side to him. And I love him, but not as deeply as I did Bella. My heart is still very much wounded and shut off. As of right now I dont feel "attached" to him, even though im sure that I would miss him should he not be around. It's not the same. And I knew that it wouldn't be the same. And I am not placing my short comings on him as that isn't fair to him. 

So we are learning about each other still, and with time I know things will be just like they were with Bella. Having a new hobby has also be a great help. Going to the bar 2 times a week to play Trivia has been something that I have come to enjoy and actually look forward to.

There are still a great many things that I need to work on. My home, my health, and happiness. I was doing really well in getting my house under control and making it look good. But have lost that motivation. Same with my health. Though I am hoping to get back into the swing of things again here shortly. Happiness, well that will always be the carrot on the stick. 

I feel that maybe a vacation may reset things. Perhaps a trip to my mothers, and get away for a few days would be good. Maybe go for a few days and get away from it all. However, I dont know about that either. Just for now I am feeling good and hoping that it stays this way for a while.

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Another upswing?

 Things seem to be normalizing again after this last bout of depression. I know I say that quite a bit. But yeah that was almost 5 months long this time around. Yes, there were some contributing factors that kept it going, like the loss of my dear sweet Bella. I still tear up about losing her and seeing old pictures of her. I love my new cat Ba-Boy. He is a total nerd and filled with so much love. We are still learning about each other, but for the most part I think that he is going to be a good dude.

My friendships across the board seem to be stable right now, and I have even made some new friends in the process. Which is strange to think about how horribly depressed I was, and still managed to somehow make new friends? Finding the new hobby of going to the bar and playing trivia on Tuesday and Wednesday has been a lot of help. And I really do have fun and look forward to it. 

I have started making a list of things that I need to do and want to do, in regards to my house and just trying to get things situated in my life. Im tired, and lack the energy to do things much anymore. But I know that I have to try and make some changes, because sleeping all day isnt good for me. Nor is my increasing weight. But right now im doing good just to keep my eyes open and moving forward most days.

But one step at a time. 

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Maybe it's ADHD

 

So over the last 6 months I have started following a few diagnosed ADHD people on social media platforms like Tik Tok and Facebook, and have begun questioning my own mental health diagnosis as I have found that most often that ADHD seems to be undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. 

I've also recently learned about a thing that some people with ADHD do called "Body Doubling" where they need the presence of another person there in order for them to accomplish a task. I found that I unknowingly do this when I have to clean or do the dishes. I like to talk on the phone. If I am talking on the phone I can get things done, where if I am "by myself" I cant seem to do the task at hand.
So many times a girlfriend of mine will call me at night and I will begin wanting to do the dishes, or do laundry, or some other cleaning task that I have put off. And if the person on the phone wants to hang up, I find that is the time that whatever task I was doing at time is "finished". 

For example, my friend called me the other night, and I started doing dishes. I stopped when she had to hang up and haven't really been near my sink in 3 days. In one Tik Tok video, a guy was showing himself being "painfully bored" and his 'roommate' (played by himself) was like 'dude wtf is wrong with you' and the guy who was painfully bored described in metaphoric terms what he was experiencing. And it was like a light bulb turned on, because I go through those times where I "need" to do something but "cant". 

I do not own this video, but this is almost 100% of how I feel at any one given time.

Posted by Michael Scott Peterson on Thursday, March 3, 2022

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