I am financially worried about trying to get things taken care of. My car got a flat a few days ago. And the tire company said that they wouldnt replace my tire because my car is an all wheel drive, that it would cause a strain on my transmission. So they quoted me $383.42. That number might as well be millions or billions. Living on a fixed income of only $751 and paying a rent of $675 and $33 for internet, plus trying to come up with gas money and money to go out with friends is damn near impossible. I am in a mild level of depression. I feel accomplished and defeated all at the same time. Im really unhappy with my life right now. I need change, but I dont have the strength to make the changes I need. I sometimes wish I were still a kid. Like 15 year old. My problems at 15 weren't really any different than what they are now, with the exception that I had to go to school and deal with the drama's of being a teen in high school. But the day to day life stresses were different. I knew that money was always an issue. I knew that we were poor, and that there wasn't any food in the house. I knew how to take to the streets and get what I needed when I needed it. Sometimes I would eat at a friends house. Sometimes I would shoplift a sandwich or something to fill the void. Sometimes I would steal food from the school cafeteria so that I could take it home for later. I knew that at any minute, the landlord could come through the door and tell us all to get out. Those same stresses followed me into adult hood. I did a horrible thing by going on facebook and looking at people from my past. People that I went to school with, or just had a friendship with. I looked up a guy that my mother moved into my bedroom one day when I was at school. Saw that he was finally out of prison, and had a wife and kids. Looked up another person, and saw that she had done a lot of traveling and from what I could tell was still single with no kids, but had a great job. Some others had gone into the military and never came home, and those who did came back changed. Those people who were "losers" by our teenage judgements, now are wealthy, have great lives, and homes. And then I look at myself. I see that I have let myself down. But through no fault of my own, as I developed mental and physical handicaps that I didnt foresee when I was young. I had ambition, I had a dream. But those dreams became blurry as I began thinking more like an adult and less like a child. I looked at those people and yeah they have "great jobs" and "great houses" etc. But in the same regard, I see them struggling to keep what they have. I see how tired their eyes look. And how they had to miss this or that because they couldn't get the time off of work. I see how they lose things because they couldnt afford the payments anymore. And I think to myself "do I really have it that bad?" Honestly, I dont think that I do. There are those in my life and my loved ones who dont understand me and my "way of life" and think that I am just a fat lazy slob. But everything that I have is MINE. I dont owe anyone any payments. No collection agencies are knocking on my door, trying to repo the few items that I do have. Yeah 99% of my things are thrift store, side of the road, hand-me-downs. But it is all mine. Having gone from having enough stuff to furnish a 1 bedroom apartment, to having nothing but a book, a car, and the clothes on my back. To having a 2 bedroom 1 bath house. From being homeless to where I am now. I look at my things and appreciate the stuff that I have, but it is just that stuff. There are a few items here and there that mean the world to me. But honestly if my house was to burn down again, I would only want to save my leather bound book, my cat, my lizard, my computer, and my external hard drive. Everything else I could/can replace. It would be more than what I started over with. I was thinking that if I had just $5000 how much that would help me out in my life. I could pay 4 months of rent, get my car fix, help a friend get hers fix, pay off a few bills, and be able to have money left over. Paying that 4 months worth of rent would mean that I could have the full amount of my disability check to do improvements around the house. I could finally have a washing machine and dryer. I could get my kitchen and bathroom sinks fixed. I could get my shower enclosure fixed. I could repair the HUGE hole in my floor. And maybe even put some money into savings. Pipe Dreams. Just another "what if" sang by a racing mind. I dont know what the answer is. When I try to do things to make it better, I get belittled, and made to feel like shit. Or I get a good running start but quickly run out of breath. Or get so tripped up that I cant get back on my feet. Im only 37. Statistically I will only live until im about 75. Most of the men in my family die right around that time, and based on my current health, and the fact that i am 285 lbs over weight significantly reduce that time period. However, even though im tired, and feel like I've lived 40 lifetimes, I am not really ready to call it quits. But at the same time I dont have the fortitude to continue on by myself. I really do need someone to hold my hand and help me. I hate to even put that into words for someone to maybe someday read. But its how I feel. I know life is hard. Trust me. Ive been around the block and down the ally several times. I've worked my butt off at jobs that didnt appreciate me or value me. I gave my all to some of the places I worked, only to be scoffed at and later forced to quit. I just dont see why someone would drive themselves into the ground for a job that will have a "now hiring" ad in the paper only a day after you have quit, been fired, or passed away. You dedicate yourself, day in and day out to a company. You come home broken and tired, sleep for 15 minutes, and have to do it all over again. You have the long arduous commute to work. If you are a grunt level employee, you have 40 people above you always watching you and micromanaging everything you do while on the clock. Then because a co-worker gets sick or decides to take a vacation, then you are stuck picking up the slack at work. If you are lucky enough to make it to management, then you have to work even harder, and become one of the many micromanaging people that you hated when you were on the work floor. Only to now basically be renting your house for the closet and bed. What's the purpose? I just dont understand. You are not free. You dont own anything. You miss out on your life. And for what? These are just a few things that whirl around my head at any given moment. But hey what else does one do at 1:30am. You worry about all the crap that you cant control but feel like you need to. You recall people who love you and that you love, saying things to you that just cut you to the soul. You think about things that happened to you at 10. You think about all these things, that leave you emotionally raw, and drained. Drained to the point that you can barely keep it together. But if you slip up and say anything, or post anything, then you are working the system, or you are seeking attention, or you are being a drama queen because "your life isnt that bad, you have nothing to be depressed about, everything is handed to you basically on a silver platter"....if only they took a moment to really look at how strong of a fighter you are. And that over the course of your long but short life, you had to acquire, hone, and maintain those skills, just so you could survive. And maybe its because I've lived so long so close to the ground, that I am complacent and dont want more than what I have already. Or maybe its just that I know what its like to have nothing and how to live with nothing, so I am content with the something that I have. If you are still reading this, then thank you. I have written this blog post like this on purpose. Without proper formatting, or paragraphs. Because I am basically writing on auto pilot, so as it comes to mind, it comes to "page". This long stream of words is how my mind is working. And the more tired I get, the more it seems to just go on and on and on. There is no quite time in my head. Typically because im the only one around to talk with. How sad is it that at times you are your own best friend. Dont get me wrong, I have tons of friends. But at times like this, im the only person I have. Everyone else is caught up in their own worlds, their own problems, and though im a friend, and they tell me they love me, really im less than a bleep on their radars. So enough rambling, im going to now try to go back to bed, and hopefully sleep the whole night through.
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I am financially worried about trying to get things taken care of. My car got a flat a few days ago. And the tire company said that they wouldnt replace my tire because my car is an all wheel drive, that it would cause a strain on my transmission. So they quoted me $383.42. That number might as well be millions or billions. Living on a fixed income of only $751 and paying a rent of $675 and $33 for internet, plus trying to come up with gas money and money to go out with friends is damn near impossible. I am in a mild level of depression. I feel accomplished and defeated all at the same time. Im really unhappy with my life right now. I need change, but I dont have the strength to make the changes I need. I sometimes wish I were still a kid. Like 15 year old. My problems at 15 weren't really any different than what they are now, with the exception that I had to go to school and deal with the drama's of being a teen in high school. But the day to day life stresses were different. I knew that money was always an issue. I knew that we were poor, and that there wasn't any food in the house. I knew how to take to the streets and get what I needed when I needed it. Sometimes I would eat at a friends house. Sometimes I would shoplift a sandwich or something to fill the void. Sometimes I would steal food from the school cafeteria so that I could take it home for later. I knew that at any minute, the landlord could come through the door and tell us all to get out. Those same stresses followed me into adult hood. I did a horrible thing by going on facebook and looking at people from my past. People that I went to school with, or just had a friendship with. I looked up a guy that my mother moved into my bedroom one day when I was at school. Saw that he was finally out of prison, and had a wife and kids. Looked up another person, and saw that she had done a lot of traveling and from what I could tell was still single with no kids, but had a great job. Some others had gone into the military and never came home, and those who did came back changed. Those people who were "losers" by our teenage judgements, now are wealthy, have great lives, and homes. And then I look at myself. I see that I have let myself down. But through no fault of my own, as I developed mental and physical handicaps that I didnt foresee when I was young. I had ambition, I had a dream. But those dreams became blurry as I began thinking more like an adult and less like a child. I looked at those people and yeah they have "great jobs" and "great houses" etc. But in the same regard, I see them struggling to keep what they have. I see how tired their eyes look. And how they had to miss this or that because they couldn't get the time off of work. I see how they lose things because they couldnt afford the payments anymore. And I think to myself "do I really have it that bad?" Honestly, I dont think that I do. There are those in my life and my loved ones who dont understand me and my "way of life" and think that I am just a fat lazy slob. But everything that I have is MINE. I dont owe anyone any payments. No collection agencies are knocking on my door, trying to repo the few items that I do have. Yeah 99% of my things are thrift store, side of the road, hand-me-downs. But it is all mine. Having gone from having enough stuff to furnish a 1 bedroom apartment, to having nothing but a book, a car, and the clothes on my back. To having a 2 bedroom 1 bath house. From being homeless to where I am now. I look at my things and appreciate the stuff that I have, but it is just that stuff. There are a few items here and there that mean the world to me. But honestly if my house was to burn down again, I would only want to save my leather bound book, my cat, my lizard, my computer, and my external hard drive. Everything else I could/can replace. It would be more than what I started over with. I was thinking that if I had just $5000 how much that would help me out in my life. I could pay 4 months of rent, get my car fix, help a friend get hers fix, pay off a few bills, and be able to have money left over. Paying that 4 months worth of rent would mean that I could have the full amount of my disability check to do improvements around the house. I could finally have a washing machine and dryer. I could get my kitchen and bathroom sinks fixed. I could get my shower enclosure fixed. I could repair the HUGE hole in my floor. And maybe even put some money into savings. Pipe Dreams. Just another "what if" sang by a racing mind. I dont know what the answer is. When I try to do things to make it better, I get belittled, and made to feel like shit. Or I get a good running start but quickly run out of breath. Or get so tripped up that I cant get back on my feet. Im only 37. Statistically I will only live until im about 75. Most of the men in my family die right around that time, and based on my current health, and the fact that i am 285 lbs over weight significantly reduce that time period. However, even though im tired, and feel like I've lived 40 lifetimes, I am not really ready to call it quits. But at the same time I dont have the fortitude to continue on by myself. I really do need someone to hold my hand and help me. I hate to even put that into words for someone to maybe someday read. But its how I feel. I know life is hard. Trust me. Ive been around the block and down the ally several times. I've worked my butt off at jobs that didnt appreciate me or value me. I gave my all to some of the places I worked, only to be scoffed at and later forced to quit. I just dont see why someone would drive themselves into the ground for a job that will have a "now hiring" ad in the paper only a day after you have quit, been fired, or passed away. You dedicate yourself, day in and day out to a company. You come home broken and tired, sleep for 15 minutes, and have to do it all over again. You have the long arduous commute to work. If you are a grunt level employee, you have 40 people above you always watching you and micromanaging everything you do while on the clock. Then because a co-worker gets sick or decides to take a vacation, then you are stuck picking up the slack at work. If you are lucky enough to make it to management, then you have to work even harder, and become one of the many micromanaging people that you hated when you were on the work floor. Only to now basically be renting your house for the closet and bed. What's the purpose? I just dont understand. You are not free. You dont own anything. You miss out on your life. And for what? These are just a few things that whirl around my head at any given moment. But hey what else does one do at 1:30am. You worry about all the crap that you cant control but feel like you need to. You recall people who love you and that you love, saying things to you that just cut you to the soul. You think about things that happened to you at 10. You think about all these things, that leave you emotionally raw, and drained. Drained to the point that you can barely keep it together. But if you slip up and say anything, or post anything, then you are working the system, or you are seeking attention, or you are being a drama queen because "your life isnt that bad, you have nothing to be depressed about, everything is handed to you basically on a silver platter"....if only they took a moment to really look at how strong of a fighter you are. And that over the course of your long but short life, you had to acquire, hone, and maintain those skills, just so you could survive. And maybe its because I've lived so long so close to the ground, that I am complacent and dont want more than what I have already. Or maybe its just that I know what its like to have nothing and how to live with nothing, so I am content with the something that I have. If you are still reading this, then thank you. I have written this blog post like this on purpose. Without proper formatting, or paragraphs. Because I am basically writing on auto pilot, so as it comes to mind, it comes to "page". This long stream of words is how my mind is working. And the more tired I get, the more it seems to just go on and on and on. There is no quite time in my head. Typically because im the only one around to talk with. How sad is it that at times you are your own best friend. Dont get me wrong, I have tons of friends. But at times like this, im the only person I have. Everyone else is caught up in their own worlds, their own problems, and though im a friend, and they tell me they love me, really im less than a bleep on their radars. So enough rambling, im going to now try to go back to bed, and hopefully sleep the whole night through.
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