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Working while on vacation
Over the course of 4 days, I have added new features and content to one blog, updated my social media throughout the day (revised this post 5 times), and kept my "plug" in the wall and trying to login at a bare minimum.
As for the vacation itself, in my last post I talked about the travel jitters and how it was causing me anxiety. Well now that I am here, I have anxiety about having to return. I guess no matter which direction I go I just hate going through the airport. But really since 9/11 who doesn't?
The other fun thing is that im going to run out of one of my medications before I leave California, and of course it has to be my sleeping meds.
At the time of writing this I only have like 2 days left after I take tonights dose. So I have no idea how my sleep pattern is going to be. I do know that I am going to save 1 pill for the night before my trip back home, because we need to be on the road by 3am, and my flight home is at 6:45am with a 40 minute delay in Salt Lake City, UT and then landing in Seattle at 10:45am. Then I still have to make it from the airport to the ferry terminal, and do a 30 minute sale to my side of the pond, and then a 45min-1hr drive home. So I am keeping my fingers crossed that my flights and everything are on time.
I have seen family, and met family I never met before. Formed some new friendships, and had some great times. Visiting with my mom has been nice. I was going a bit stir crazy at home, but am getting a little homesick. Especially thinking about my animals and things like that. But for the most part its been nice to just disconnect from my typical day and get out of my space and comfort zone. However, I forgot how FREAKING HOT California is during the summer.
I was complaining about it being hot in Washington. It was like the states did this whole "you think that's hot, hold my beer" type thing. There was one part of the trip down here, (I rode shotgun in my mom's new RV for almost 14.5hrs) where we stopped in Grants Pass OR, man that fucking place was so god damn hot, I got sick almost instantly when we pulled off to get some gas. It was so hot and muggy. You cant pump your own gas in OR, and it was a busy gas station with only two miserable employees manning the unairconditioned station. I am sorry but how they work in those conditions is beyond me, and gave me a whole new respect for outdoor laborers. I will never take 75-85 degree Washington weather for granted.
My second day in Cali, I went to a family BBQ, where the only air source was an overtaxed swamp cooler. It cooled down the living room of the house, but was seriously overworked trying to keep it a decent temperature. Again not complaining because it was better than sitting outside. Yeah there was a pool available, but all my younger cousins and their friends were in it, and I was enjoying connecting with my new cousins. Eating authentic mexican food after having been fed "white-washed" mexican food for the last 10yrs was really nice. And the BBQ that the family had was amazing too. I got to eat some sweet Southern California Watermelon, trust me there is a huge difference in Northern California, and Midwest Watermelon. Being someone who single handedly ate about 60 watermelon's a year/summertime, you get to know your shit. So Cal watermelon is sweet and crisp. Northern Cali has a gritty, less sweet, less juicy texture to it. Midwest is typically gritty and bitter sweet, and really seedy.
However, I will admit, like I said above, that I have eaten more Mexican food in the last week or so than I have in probably the last two years. Everywhere you go there are taco trucks and street food vendor's. I haven't tried all of the different vendor's but from what I have, it has been real authentic mexican food. And im so surprised at how cheap it is too. For 6 carne asada tacos, and 1 large burrito with the works was only $12.
But this time away has found me missing my cat and Bearded Dragon. My sister and niece keep sending me little videos of Bella. The other night, I logged into my home computer network and turned on my webcam in the living room and did a voice recording on my laptop in california telling my Amazon Dot to turn on my living room light so I could see things better, and then I did a recording saying "hey bella, daddy loves you and will be home in a few days" lol. IDK if she even heard me or if it was something curl to do, but it made me feel better. I just wish I was able to see her from the camera that I had access to.
All in all its been a great time. I've enjoyed the little bits I've gotten to see here and there. And there are already talks about doing a lake trip and maybe a group camping trip when I get home to the gang. I love swimming and going to the lake. Last time the group went camping, I wasn't able to go because my anxiety and bipolar kept me from being able to leave the house, even though I had everything packed up and ready to go. I just couldn't force myself to walk out the door.
My mind kept telling me that my friends didn't want me there, and that they only invited me out of pity and that I should just stay home, that way no one would have to look at me and I wouldn't be a bother to anyone. All things that I knew in my heart were a lie, but my brain convinced me otherwise, and thus won the fight. So I am hoping that this next time I will be able to go and have fun and enjoy camping with everyone. I seem to have very little trouble going out to the lake with everyone, so I have no idea what the difference is?
Just had some really amazing chicken fried steak away this place called the Fruit Yard. Omg it was amazing. My "last dinner" was so filling that I couldn't eat all of it. I'm sitting here in a food coma, while writing this. So now the count down to getting to the airport begins.
I'm going to miss my mom and my family, but nothing beats coming home to your own bed, and getting back into your routines.
I'm going to miss my mom and my family, but nothing beats coming home to your own bed, and getting back into your routines.
Travel Jitters
Short little day trips are one thing. But having to pack and be gone for more than a few days is really a bit much. I force myself to do it, because I know im going to have fun once out and about. But the jitters or the Resfeber (see def to the right) and generalized anxiety really fucks with me.
This time is a 3 part trip. 1st part is getting to my brothers house 2hrs away. 2nd part is a 12hr car ride to Northern California to my moms new house. 3rd is the trip home via plane. Which involves me having to go to San Francisco (which I am really excited about), and flying into Seattle. Then having to take either a taxi, or uber to the ferry, and then meeting up with someone on the other side and driving back home. So in total, my mom will be home way before I ever get home. My flight to So. Cal was 2.5 hours, so Im assuming my flight from Nor Cal is going to be about an hour give or take.
Just really bugging right now, but keeping my fingers crossed all turns out good.
Just some thoughts
So lately I've felt like I need to just get out and travel. Well it looks like that is going to be happening as I have plans to go to California this summer. It looks like I will be going out sometime in May or June. Im both excited and apprehensive about it. The apperhention comes from my general anxiety, and I know im going to have tons of fun when im there, just the whole having to deal with the airport, and getting from my house to the airport, and TSA and all that other crap. And then on the return having to do it all over again.
I have all these aspirations to go to the East Coast, and to go here or there, but honestly, the anxiety of doing it really gets to me. Even doing a 3 hour road trip gets to me at times. But I know it will be all good and that the ends will justify the means. Plus I have never been to Northern California, so its going to be all brand new for me. And theres talks of staying a night or two in San Francisco which sounds super fun.
Also this summer, my friends want to do a Staycation and do a few camping trips, and a trip to Anacortes. The few times I've been to Anacortes it has been fun. And I have never been camping with my friends, so that will be fun. I just hope everything pans out the way that we all think it should. On another note. I feel like i am losing my weight loss battle. I feel like I am just macking way to much food at night, and that coupled with the fat that I dont really exercise all that much is starting to give me less and less hope. But I am going to try to continue doing the best that I can and power through it. The doctor said that I had lost 15lbs, so I am hoping that my anxiety isnt going to get the better of me and I just stop with the progression that I have made so far.
Currently I have a lot of uneasy feelings and feelings of being hallow. I dont know what to do to fix it, so I am hoping that getting away from my house and life for a few days. will do me some good.
I have all these aspirations to go to the East Coast, and to go here or there, but honestly, the anxiety of doing it really gets to me. Even doing a 3 hour road trip gets to me at times. But I know it will be all good and that the ends will justify the means. Plus I have never been to Northern California, so its going to be all brand new for me. And theres talks of staying a night or two in San Francisco which sounds super fun.
Also this summer, my friends want to do a Staycation and do a few camping trips, and a trip to Anacortes. The few times I've been to Anacortes it has been fun. And I have never been camping with my friends, so that will be fun. I just hope everything pans out the way that we all think it should. On another note. I feel like i am losing my weight loss battle. I feel like I am just macking way to much food at night, and that coupled with the fat that I dont really exercise all that much is starting to give me less and less hope. But I am going to try to continue doing the best that I can and power through it. The doctor said that I had lost 15lbs, so I am hoping that my anxiety isnt going to get the better of me and I just stop with the progression that I have made so far.
Currently I have a lot of uneasy feelings and feelings of being hallow. I dont know what to do to fix it, so I am hoping that getting away from my house and life for a few days. will do me some good.
One week after meal prepping
I didnt do mashed potatoes because they didnt taste to good, and when I put them in the microwave, they got gritty.
Im probably going to prep some lunch meals too. I find that if I dont eat something at home I go out for it. I have limited myself to eating fast food once a week, unless out with friends.
I've found that im not as hungry as I thought I would be. Hopefully that continues to be the case, but if not *shrug*. I have an upcoming Dr appointment that im going to weigh myself. But one thing that I noticed is that I am getting "flavor burnout". Like eating my last chicken meal was damn near torture. So I am going to do another week of beef/stake and chicken and then next time do something like pasta and things like that.
I have found that I am craving chocolate and salt right now. So I dont know what that is all about but hey, hopefully the small steps im taking will add up to something.
Starting over [dieting]
Well today marks my "first official" day of trying to diet again. I am not really going to "diet" persay, more like watching the quantities of food that I intake, so a lot of portion control. Which that is the biggest bitch for me because my body doesn't make that hormone that tells you that you are full. So I've been doing my best to not over eat, and only sticking to 3 meals a day with 4 snack options thrown in there.
I am also going to be utilizing MyFitnessPal again, which has me on a 3000 Calorie a day restriction. My goal is to lose enough weight to get back down to 350-375. I am currently at 485. At the time of writing this post, all I have had for a breakfast is a cheese stick, and 4 corn chips.
I am also going to try to get back into the gym, or at the very least do some walking at the park daily. I am not placing any kind of restriction on myself or what have you. I have a "Im going to do my best" type of attitude about this venture. I am hoping that I can and will be able to stick with it and keep it going. I've got to do something, because I just can't go on the way that I am. So this whole venture isn't spurred by trying to meet someone, or anything else. Its for (my) self, by (my) self. So that way if I stop following the plan that I am putting into motion, then there is no disappointments, no broken promises, just me stopping.
I know very "unaccountable" but it is what it is. I so far have 4 days under my belt on this new path that I am walking. By me saying that today is my official day of putting effort into it, that means that today is when I am going to start logging my steps and progress if any. If you have been a reader of my blog for a while, then you will know that when I first started this, how dedicated I was and how I was journaling and keeping track and records etc. So I printed out my logbook information and made my first entry into it. I have a food diary, a pedometer log, and a glucose log.
So wish me luck. Im going to need it.
I am also going to be utilizing MyFitnessPal again, which has me on a 3000 Calorie a day restriction. My goal is to lose enough weight to get back down to 350-375. I am currently at 485. At the time of writing this post, all I have had for a breakfast is a cheese stick, and 4 corn chips.
I am also going to try to get back into the gym, or at the very least do some walking at the park daily. I am not placing any kind of restriction on myself or what have you. I have a "Im going to do my best" type of attitude about this venture. I am hoping that I can and will be able to stick with it and keep it going. I've got to do something, because I just can't go on the way that I am. So this whole venture isn't spurred by trying to meet someone, or anything else. Its for (my) self, by (my) self. So that way if I stop following the plan that I am putting into motion, then there is no disappointments, no broken promises, just me stopping.
I know very "unaccountable" but it is what it is. I so far have 4 days under my belt on this new path that I am walking. By me saying that today is my official day of putting effort into it, that means that today is when I am going to start logging my steps and progress if any. If you have been a reader of my blog for a while, then you will know that when I first started this, how dedicated I was and how I was journaling and keeping track and records etc. So I printed out my logbook information and made my first entry into it. I have a food diary, a pedometer log, and a glucose log.
So wish me luck. Im going to need it.
Weight loss is a bitch
So in my last post I wrote about going to see and Endocrinologist to see about having the gastric balloon done. He said that because I am on Medicare that they will not cover it and that it is basically written into the law governing Medicare and Weight Loss that they can not cover the balloon because there have been some deaths associated with it.
I think that is absolute bullshit. I should be able to sign a waiver form saying that I understand the risks and that I nor my family or other representing agency can or will sue afterwards. Doctors have been telling me since the late 90's that I need to consider weight loss surgery. But back then 350lbs didnt seem so horrible. It felt like I was still able to maintain and lose the weight "naturally". Well now that I am 485lbs (as of 3/5/18) things are starting to become harder.
The original purpose of this blog was to write about my struggles with weight loss and hunger. It has kind of veered off course since its start. I am going to try to do the whole "diet" thing again. In the past I have kept a record of my walking, my blood sugars, and a food journal, along with digital logging through MyFitnessPal.com but it has been years since I've used MFP.
So starting Monday March 12th (my grandpa's birthday) I am going to try and get back on track. That means trying to get back in the gym, doing some walking daily, and trying portion control and meal prep. The diet thing that I am going to try is Atkins. I did it once before and lost like 30lbs before stopping. My main goal of weight loss is to get back to 350lbs, for a goal of 135lbs total loss. I am hoping to have it done by October/November.
So I am going to be praying to every god/goddess ever known to man to help me get through these next few months without straying or falling off the wagon as it were.
I think that is absolute bullshit. I should be able to sign a waiver form saying that I understand the risks and that I nor my family or other representing agency can or will sue afterwards. Doctors have been telling me since the late 90's that I need to consider weight loss surgery. But back then 350lbs didnt seem so horrible. It felt like I was still able to maintain and lose the weight "naturally". Well now that I am 485lbs (as of 3/5/18) things are starting to become harder.
The original purpose of this blog was to write about my struggles with weight loss and hunger. It has kind of veered off course since its start. I am going to try to do the whole "diet" thing again. In the past I have kept a record of my walking, my blood sugars, and a food journal, along with digital logging through MyFitnessPal.com but it has been years since I've used MFP.
So starting Monday March 12th (my grandpa's birthday) I am going to try and get back on track. That means trying to get back in the gym, doing some walking daily, and trying portion control and meal prep. The diet thing that I am going to try is Atkins. I did it once before and lost like 30lbs before stopping. My main goal of weight loss is to get back to 350lbs, for a goal of 135lbs total loss. I am hoping to have it done by October/November.
So I am going to be praying to every god/goddess ever known to man to help me get through these next few months without straying or falling off the wagon as it were.
