HELLO CUPCAKE ITS ME

My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

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Doing better, feeling good!

 Well I fell as if I am finally past this last depressive spell I went through. Bella's passing, being out of sorts with my friends, feeling lonely and angry, really did a toll on me. I miss Bella daily. The adoption of Ba-Boy has really changed things in me. Im trying to keep from yelling and screaming at him, and take into consideration that even though he is a large cat, that he still is a kitten and still needs time to learn and to be trained.

Daily he does new things and shows me a new side to him. And I love him, but not as deeply as I did Bella. My heart is still very much wounded and shut off. As of right now I dont feel "attached" to him, even though im sure that I would miss him should he not be around. It's not the same. And I knew that it wouldn't be the same. And I am not placing my short comings on him as that isn't fair to him. 

So we are learning about each other still, and with time I know things will be just like they were with Bella. Having a new hobby has also be a great help. Going to the bar 2 times a week to play Trivia has been something that I have come to enjoy and actually look forward to.

There are still a great many things that I need to work on. My home, my health, and happiness. I was doing really well in getting my house under control and making it look good. But have lost that motivation. Same with my health. Though I am hoping to get back into the swing of things again here shortly. Happiness, well that will always be the carrot on the stick. 

I feel that maybe a vacation may reset things. Perhaps a trip to my mothers, and get away for a few days would be good. Maybe go for a few days and get away from it all. However, I dont know about that either. Just for now I am feeling good and hoping that it stays this way for a while.

Another upswing?

 Things seem to be normalizing again after this last bout of depression. I know I say that quite a bit. But yeah that was almost 5 months long this time around. Yes, there were some contributing factors that kept it going, like the loss of my dear sweet Bella. I still tear up about losing her and seeing old pictures of her. I love my new cat Ba-Boy. He is a total nerd and filled with so much love. We are still learning about each other, but for the most part I think that he is going to be a good dude.

My friendships across the board seem to be stable right now, and I have even made some new friends in the process. Which is strange to think about how horribly depressed I was, and still managed to somehow make new friends? Finding the new hobby of going to the bar and playing trivia on Tuesday and Wednesday has been a lot of help. And I really do have fun and look forward to it. 

I have started making a list of things that I need to do and want to do, in regards to my house and just trying to get things situated in my life. Im tired, and lack the energy to do things much anymore. But I know that I have to try and make some changes, because sleeping all day isnt good for me. Nor is my increasing weight. But right now im doing good just to keep my eyes open and moving forward most days.

But one step at a time. 

Maybe it's ADHD

 


So over the last 6 months I have started following a few diagnosed ADHD people on social media platforms like Tik Tok and Facebook, and have begun questioning my own mental health diagnosis as I have found that most often that ADHD seems to be undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. 

I've also recently learned about a thing that some people with ADHD do called "Body Doubling" where they need the presence of another person there in order for them to accomplish a task. I found that I unknowingly do this when I have to clean or do the dishes. I like to talk on the phone. If I am talking on the phone I can get things done, where if I am "by myself" I cant seem to do the task at hand.
So many times a girlfriend of mine will call me at night and I will begin wanting to do the dishes, or do laundry, or some other cleaning task that I have put off. And if the person on the phone wants to hang up, I find that is the time that whatever task I was doing at time is "finished". 

For example, my friend called me the other night, and I started doing dishes. I stopped when she had to hang up and haven't really been near my sink in 3 days. In one Tik Tok video, a guy was showing himself being "painfully bored" and his 'roommate' (played by himself) was like 'dude wtf is wrong with you' and the guy who was painfully bored described in metaphoric terms what he was experiencing. And it was like a light bulb turned on, because I go through those times where I "need" to do something but "cant". 

I do not own this video, but this is almost 100% of how I feel at any one given time.

Posted by Michael Scott Peterson on Thursday, March 3, 2022

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Check out the newest addition to the Hello Cupcake It's Me family. The Hello Cupcake It's Me a Podcast, now broadcasting wherever you stream your favorite podcasts from.

Click here to go to Anchor.fm or Spotify 

 

 

Now you can gift your favorite YouTube star a coffee and help support the channel. There are exciting memberships too.

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Hello Cupcake It's Me a Podcast

Well y'all I am now going to be doing a biweekly podcast. I will be taking the YouTube videos that I make and turning them into podcasts, that will be published on Spotify and Google Podcasts. And if you are the podcast listening type of person, now you will be able to follow along in video or audio format. So a lot of what I am going to be posting on YouTube is going to make it into podcast format too.

As of right this minute I will not be doing exclusive podcast shows. However that may change in the future.

So go check out the new podcast https://anchor.fm/hellocupcakeitsme 


 

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Hello Readers.
Now you can help show your support by buying me a coffee. I offer several membership levels, each with their own features and starting at only $5 USD a month.

Help support and keep things up and running and get me a cup of Emotional Support Coffee. 

Get started by checking out the page click here
 

A bit of progress (I think)

 So it has officially been two weeks since I've started monitoring my eating and trying to get out and walk and I will admit that I am starting to feel good again. Im taking my supplements and drinking water with apple cider vinegar in it and cutting back on my snacking, and trying to limit the sugar intake.

I believe that I have already lost about 5lbs. And since getting an air fryer, I have been cooking most of my meals exclusively in it. My afternoon naps are maybe 45 minutes if even that long. I lay there just long enough to rest and then I am back up and at it. 

I still am not able to do a full mile walk. When I did force a mile out of me, I suffered the rest of that day and most of the next. So I am going to continue to take it slow and work back up. I was given some CBD lotion, so im going to start using that like I once did. Because I remembered when I started walking, I was using that once or twice during the walk. I would put some on, wait a few minutes for it to get to working and then I would reapply once I got to the end of  the trail and had to turn around and go back. I am hoping to be able to do my 2 mile a day walk. I love that stretch of forest, and all the green and birds singing really make it nice.

So all i have to do is keep up and continue doing my best. Every step counts.

Why is it so expensive to be healthy?

Why is it so damn expensive to try and be healthy? 
It honestly must be a conspiracy to keep you fat and unhealthy. Like you can buy 4 cheese burgers for $3.00 but its $5 for a salad that was prepared and packaged 5 days ago.

Then you buy vitamins and supplements to try and keep healthy too and you are looking at upwards of $8 per bottle. And  then every fad diet has its own branded "specially formulated" pill to take, so everyone jumping on that bandwagon is going to buy that pill which chances are has nothing more than a multivitamin or the equivalent of a Flintstones Children's Chewable but in a fancy flashy package.

At day 3 of me getting back out on the trails and doing my walking, and looking at the mountain of vitamin bottles and supplements that I am taking. Im just thinking of how much weight my wallet is losing in the pursuit of me losing weight. 

Regardless of where I purchase my supplements (mostly Dollar Tree) it still adds up. But what do you do? Got to keep pushing on right?

Starting over again - getting back to walking

So today I started walking again. And it was really nice to be able to get up and get out and move like god damn I feel all of those days and months of inactivity since having the kidney stone. 

I just want to get back to being able to walk like I used to when I was doing two or three miles day and only being winded like toward the end of that two and a half mile marker I wanna be able to get out and start walking daily. 

I'm so sick and tired of just being winded doing the simplest things. And it really sucks because I used to be able to just get up and go and I looked forward to doing my walk for the day and there were days where I even did walks twice a day. And now I'm dreading even trying to do one walk a day. 

I'm not going to force myself into doing anything else of our major maybe starting off doing Monday Wednesday Friday type of schedule and then eventually building up to adding in Tuesdays and Thursdays. But you know they say determination is the key factor and I'm hoping that I don't lose that key again. Going on 41 and feeling like I'm in my 90s is not fun. 

I still have a lot of life left in me at least 30 something years by my account. So I don't really know what the point of this whole post is except for two chronicle that I'm going to start trying again. Something I should have started back up moments after falling ill and getting better. 

So hopefully whatever God happens to watch over us will continue to give me the strength perseverance and fortitude to continue to move forward and to lose the weight and become a healthier version of the person I am now. 

I mean I've done it before I should be able to do it again right? 

Remotely dealing with an aging parent

Its tough when you have to deal with a loved one being in the hospital. No matter what your relationship with that person may or may not be. Over the last week and a half, I have been dealing with my biological mother being in the hospital and drama of all that entails.

It started with a phone call a few weeks ago "your mom isn't doing to well" and went from there. For any of you who watch my YouTube videos, or have read any of my past updates, you will know that I have a strained but functional relationship with my biological mother.

My whole life I collected mother figures, and have never really considered my birth mother to really be my "mom". Nevertheless, I still don't really want to see her hurt, or being taken advantage of. So to get a random call out of the blue making blanketed statements about her and her health, really didn't surprise me. This considering that she has habitually used meth my entire life and probably for a long period of time prior to that. That in my 40yrs on this earth, I have only known her to maybe be sober from about 91-96. And even then I can not state my life on it. This is the woman that when I was 16yrs old, decided to chose drugs over me. To chose the drug dealer, whom I knew and was friendly acquaintances with. Not that I used drugs, but those who I chummed around with as a teen did. The man who I would watch snort up an entire 8-Ball of speed to wake up, and to go to sleep with. A man who when he wasn't smoking or snorting meth, was drinking 40's and partying with my friends uncle. A man that she married, on the heels of telling me that I was unwanted, unloved, and a mistake, should I not back her on her feelings and wanting's. A woman, who would go several long years without so much as a phone call. A woman who missed birthdays, holidays, and my high school graduation. 

So to say that there is love loss there is a bit of a dead fish in water. Its not that I dont love her, I just dont love this woman who I've come to know over the last 30 something years of my life. 
She was never the kind loving mother that television shows would make a mother out to be. Never the one to kiss a boo boo, or to readily tell you that she was proud of or that she loved you. Those were after thoughts. Like a period at the end of a sentence. like a child being reminded of "what do we say".
So it bewilders me that I would put in the amount of effort that I have making sure that all of her medical is taken care of. That she has a whole new doctor, and a doctors appointment set up for when she gets out of the hospital. But perhaps its my "fixing" nature. Perhaps its my way of trying to punish myself yet again in hopes that she will stay on the pathway that has been foraged for her. But logical mind knows better, but the heart still screams for this non-existent hope. Logic tells me daily, do not overly involve yourself, its going to blow up in your face. She's only going to do what she needs right this moment to keep her needs met.

The ultimate fear is that somehow, some way, she is going to be brought closer to my little Edan. That her poison is going to infect everything that I have struggled to create and grow. That my past, where I was Her son, awakens, and somehow her transgressions now become the crown that I bare. That those who dont know Her son, will pass judgement upon me, regardless of the years of knowing the person that I present myself to be. That her darkness will cloud an already cloudy day, and seep into every crevasse of a life that I built. I left "California" behind me. I tried to become someone new. Only to have "California" constantly on the horizon, like the sword of Damocles hanging over my head.
But one shouldn't feel this way about a mother. Yet this is what I fear. Having her back in close proximity to my fragile ecosphere. Thinking about what my exit plan would be, should she somehow darken my doorstep. Where is it that I would run this time? Where is it that would have me? That I could restart yet again?

So while other aspects of my life are good. There are those that I am trying to keep separated. Only to have real family drama unfolding in another part of my life. Trying to keep the ones that truly matter to me from falling apart, and to try and find the right words to speak, as to not cause the fault lines to further fracture. To not burden anyone else with my own problems, and my own short comings. Trying to be the rock, when my foundation at any given moment is build on a bed of quicksand. So it makes me thankful for those moments where I am not battling my own mental health. For should all of this be happening while im typically at my lowest, this would not be good. 

So I put on a strong brave face. I continue to be the "carefree" person that everyone expects, when just behind the mask, im screaming in silence and crying to the point of dehydration. But as long as the outer shell appears fine, then the dance can go on. 


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'Protecting' Psychiatric Medical Records Puts Patients At Risk Of Hospitalization 'Switch' Critical to Wound Healing Identified 1811 2013 4 Ways to Beat Back Pain 5 hour energy 500 calories A simple soliloquy a1c AA aarp ablum accessible wheelchair car acne acne light treatment acting insulin acu acupressure ADD addiction ADHD adolescent victims adults Adults With Diabetes And Limited Health Literacy Less Likely To Adhere To Prescribed Antidepressants advance advise advising afghanistan Aflac Age Matters in Weight Gain: aids airsoft album review Alcoholic Alcoholics Anonymous All IT Supported alltel alzheimers AM General American College of Gastroneterology American Diabetes Association American Express ami clubwear amiclubwear.com amputation android anger animis anniversary anti radiation cell phone technology antibody antidepressants not working anxiety app application apps arginine arthritis artificial artistic aspirin Assurance Wireless asteroid atherosclerotic lesions Atlanta Drug Rehab Center attack Avengers back on track back to school backup bad habbits baking banana george Banana Power bariatric surgery Barrett's Esophagus Baton Rouge battle depression bayer bayer breeze2 Bayer Contour USB bb gun BBB BE beating depression beauty become motivated before i die behealthy24.com Being sick totally sucks beta cells big blue test big foot Biomedtrics biosensor bipolar Bipolar bipolar disorder Birdman Birdman or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance birth birth defects birthday bladder cancer blog blogging blood glucose blood glucose levels blood pressure blood sample blood sugar blood sugar level blood sugar levels blood sugar monitor blood sugars blue shield Bluetooth bmi Body By Vi 90 Day Challenge body mass index bogo bogo. buy one get one free books bottom belly bracelet Brain Discovery Could Help Schizophrenics Breaking News breast breast feed breast feeding breastfeed breastfeeding brew Broadway budget bug out bugs bullied bullying Bums burn calories buy 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Lexapro and Victoza day care daycare ddiabetes deals Death debate debit card debt decaffeinated coffee decreased gene activity deep breathing dementia Dental Work and Tooth Pain depressed Depressed Stroke Survivors May Face Triple the Risk of Death depression depression in preschoolers depression isn depression symptoms Despite Free Health Care developing diabetes development diabetes Diabetes / Diabetic News Diabetes + Depression = Increased Risk of Death diabetes exist diabetes foundation diabetes less diabetes management diabetes medication Diabetes Trials Worldwide Are Not Addressing Key Issues In Affected Populations diabetic diabetic alert dog diabetic cook book diabetic cure diabetic education videos diabetic epipen diabetic food log diabetic healing diabetic insulin diabetic logbook diabetic medical review diabetic research Diabetic Retinopathy diabetic shock diabetic software diabetic supplies diabetic. ebook diamonds diet digital camera digital logbook direct Direct 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FDA feel fuller fire fish oil fitness Fitness Professionals Appreciate Online Continuing Education Options Fitness; Obesity; Diabetes; Molecular Biology; Mice; Biology flights florida Florida health kids program flu food Food and Dining food diary food network foods contain forgetfulness four more years free free android apps free diabetic wristband Free Stuff french fries fresh flowers fresh fruit Fresh Vending Machines fructose fructose corn syrup fruit full moon funeral Gadgets gangnam style Gastroesophageal gastroparesis GE X500 Power Series genes genes linked to bipolar GERD gestational diabetes Gestational Diabetes Patients Will Develop Type 2 Diabetes Give Aways giving glasses glooko glucagon Gluco(M) Glucofact glucose glucose levels glucose log glucose management glucose meter gluten free glycemic control glycemic foods glycemic index glycemic indexes godaddy google gout grain foods green tea group guest blog guest post hair loss happy Happy Birthday Hello Cupcake It's Me happy birthday to me :) happy holidays Harvey Birdman hba1c health health benefits health care healthier fast food healthy healthy foods healthy lifestyle healthy snack hearing loss heart heart attack heart broken Heart Disease; Cholesterol; Stroke Prevention; Diseases and Conditions; Chronic Illness; Heart Disease; Cholesterol; Stroke Prevention; Diseases and Conditions; Chronic Illness; diabetes Heart Disease; Cholesterol; Stroke Prevention; Diseases and Conditions; Chronic Illness; stroke Heart Disease; Cholesterol; Stroke Prevention; Diseases and Conditions; Chronic Illness; Vioxx heart monitor heart on my sleeve heart problems heart rate heath and beauty hello hellocupcakeitsme.com help hemoglobin Her high blood sugar high school High-Fat Foods May Be A Factor In Glucose Control hiv hiv1 hiv2 hobbytron.com holiday holiday's home security alarms home testing Homeless Homeless Shelter Homer Simpson honda hospitalization Household Income Affects Chronic Disease Control In Kids Humalog 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