HELLO CUPCAKE ITS ME

My Battle With Depression, Weight loss, and Diabetes

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Thursday, July 29, 2021

I started writing a book

 So I have always wanted to write a book. I have started many times in my life, and gotten tons of writing done, only to have a computer crash, or a online service go out of business and lose all of my progress. I have the starts of 3 books so far. One on spirituality and my spin on it, one that is short stories, and the latest one, a daily motivation book. 

In the past I've written poetry, and fantasy novels, but never really been able to make them pan out. I dont have any high hopes this time around either. But its something that I have begun and thought "hell why not?"
Daily when I wake up, I make a good morning post that is usually positive in nature. So I thought, why not copy all of them down, put them in a Word doc and then after a year, compile it into a book. So that is what im doing. I dont know if I will self publish, or approach a publishing company. If you've followed me for any length of time on any of my social media, then you will know that I operate my whole life on a "shoestring budget". So if there is any upfront publishing costs that will probably kill any hopes of it going from my desktop to the readers hands.
I know that they say "in order to make money you've got to spend money" but when you have no money to spend money then you do what you can with what you have afforded to you at the time.

There are many times that I have thought about publishing this blog into a book. But then again that is probably just my hubris thinking that anyone actually reads this.
I've talked a little about this on my YouTube channel and in some of my TikTok's but for right now it is just a pipe dream. Just something to pass the time. After all if you are doing something creative, then are you really wasting your time?

Monday, June 14, 2021

Trying to be positive is tiring

 


Trying to be positive and keep good vibes is tiring. You try day in and day out to be the type of person you want to see in the world, and time after time you have to resort back to being a jerk.

I know I have a temper, and that it gets the better of me at times. But I honestly do try to be a good person, and help others when I can. But there are just some days where its like, you know what "fuck you, fuck your family tree, I hope it dies at the roots."

The only thing I can do is my best. And I try to check myself and find myself grounding and centering more and more now days. Where I just have to take deep breaths and just laugh it off. But being bipolar having that clarity isnt always something that I have access to. But my reason for this post is just to remind everyone that we can not change the way others do things, but we can strive to be better and not add to the problem. Sometimes its easy, sometimes its hard. But just do the best you can.

Monday, May 3, 2021

One week and Counting

 

Well its only a week until I begin my state testing. I have butterflies the size of Mothra flying around in my stomach thinking about it.
My biggest anxiety is just completing the test and doing well on it. The other aspect is the "what if" side of it. What is going to happen after I pass the test? Am I going to try to start working as a Peer Counselor? What if I fail the test? Am I going to try and retake it.

There is so much going on in my mind right now I honestly dont know where to start, what to focus on, and what to do with the rest of it.

I have a camping trip coming up this weekend where I am supposed to go out with some friends and embark on their "Mothers Day Girls Only Trip" which should be fun and interesting as I am not a mother nor a girl. But I was invited so at the very least it should be entertaining if I can force myself to get out there and actually just do it. Last time I was invited to go to a camp out I had everything packed and ready to go and just couldnt bring myself to actually go. I also dont know if I want to go for a weekend trip when monday morning my testing starts. It seems like I should spend the weekend just relaxing and prepping myself. 

The rational sane side of my brain is telling me that I am being stupid and that I am making mountains out of mole hills. And I know that im way over thinking things. Im not really "vested" in this whole thing. I took a bunch of classes to better understand mental health and what have you and had fun getting the certificates and diplomas that I did get. And it is useful knowledge to have, considering that depression and things like that are at an all time high and seem to only be getting worse as time goes on.

I am feeling better just putting these feelings into words right now. I think it is just a form of therapy in itself to just journal these things. I mean after all this is the main principle and foundation of this blog and why I originally started it. 

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Today

 Today
by Michael Peterson 4/11/21

Today could be the last time we talked.
Today could be my last time seeing the sun.
Today could be the day that I stopped.
Today could be the day that I unleashed.
Today could be the day that your words broke the last brick in my crumbling wall.
Today could be the day that my depression gets the best of me.
Today could be the day that I see how good it feels to drag cold steel across my wrists.
Today could be the day that I let the darkness out to play tag, and forget how to run.
Today could be the day that you get the final call.
Today could be the day that you ask what you could have done.
Today could be the day that you finally saw the millions of things that was done to me prior.
Today could be the day that I failed the test.
Today could be the day that I was laid to rest.

Today was the day that I did something I thought I couldn't do.
Today was the day that I looked in the mirror, and said I love you.
Today was the day that I took back the narrative.
Today was the day that I put a semicolon instead of a period.
Today was the day that I continued my story.
Today was the day that forgave my personal transgressions.
Today was the day that I cried in happiness and not from pain.
Today was the day that I decided to move forward, even if it was alone.
Today was the day that I found my strength. Albeit temporarily. But I found where it was hiding.
Today was the day that I ripped the pages from my book of goodbyes.
Today was the day that I burned the pages that were written as notes to the people in my life.
Today was the day that I.....

Today was a good day!


Suicide happens when we least expect it. But for those caught up in the moment, it wasn't soon enough. It is the ending of pain, and the beginning of it too. Suffering is silenced, but the pain. The pain continues. The pain of guilt, of anger, of wanting to do more. Of wanting just a few more minutes, when you had all the time prior. When you could have taken the call. When you could have made the time. When you could have....

Depression, and suicide are symptoms of circumstance. Depression comes from being strong to long, from being lonely, from being heard, from being made to feel less than, from being unnecessary, for being the second, third, or even fifth choice.

We get caught up in our own lives that we seldom take time to genuinely ask "how are you" and truly mean it. It isn't until day or weeks go by that a voice or a presence is missed. Then they stand around and murmur to themselves "if I could have been there. if they would have only reached out..." But how many times before was a cry for help silenced by sending to voicemail? How many times was it that someone reaching out was met with "you have no reason to be sad, get over yourself, others have he worse off than you. Stop being a drama queen."

Many who suffer from mental health have very small circles. Many who suffer with depression feel they have no one else, because time and time again, they were made to feel that way. Many who attempt suicide, succeed. Not because the means were 100% lethal, but because no one took time to check on them.

If you know someone who is going through a rough patch, check on them. Dont wait until they are no longer here to say nice things about them. Say nice things to them. Make them feel wanted, needed, loved. Reassure them that they are not a bother to you. When you see their name on the caller id, dont swipe to voice mail. Take a moment, check in, and then call back if you have to. But follow through. Not calling back is worse. Your voice, you answering, you being there, you calling back, that can save a life.










Thursday, April 8, 2021

40 and new perspectives and some ramblings

 

So I turned 40 back in March. A milestone birthday. No longer a young kid, not quite an 'old' person. Midlife. I still feel like Im a teenager. I feel kinda like im turning 18. I still feel a connection to the teens of today, but now understand the adult world more, if that makes any sense. 

Im making some new headway in my life. I've been pursuing becoming a Peer Counselor and will be taking the state certification test in May. I've been taking a lot of online courses and just absorbing up any and all mental health classes that I can possibly get my hands on in hopes that it will help me, help others, while helping me get new insights into my own mental health. Its kind of scary and exciting all at the same time. I dont actually know if I will do anything with this certification. Right now I am doing it 100% for just gleaning insight into my own mental health like I said. I dont know if I am going to go into practice and take on clients, do group sessions or what.

When I talk to people about this, they look at me kind of cross eyed. Like they dont understand why I am putting in the effort and taking these classes and getting certifications and diplomas in all these different areas of study if im not going to do anything with it. I cant fully say what the motivating factor behind it all is, other than the subject is interesting to me right now. Well, I've always been interested in psychology I guess. I like knowing how people think and what makes them tick. Ever since I was little, I loved it when people would open up to me and tell me things that they wouldn't tell others. I've always been in the councilor role without really knowing it. And I have unwillingly fallen into the role with a friends adult son. He suffers with depression, bipolar, rage issues, and previous substance abuse. I see a lot of myself in him, and understand him on a level that I never really wanted to connect with him on. I understand the anger and rage and the bipolar outbursts. Everyone around him seems to run and hide when he goes off. I stand there in the midst of the outburst and see the pain and the overwhelming concern behind the screaming obscenities. Its like the more angry he is, the more calm I become. I've tried explaining to his family that when he is in this state that it has nothing to do with them and that it isn't directed at them, its his feelings coming to surface and is venting the only way that makes sense to him at the moment.
Maybe having this understanding and insider knowledge is what is pushing me to learn what I can. Maybe its my own bipolar mania that is driving me, and I am tricking myself into thinking that it is helping me understand myself? I dont know.

But turning 40 has really opened my eyes to a lot of different things. Mortality being one of them. Most of the men in my family dont live past 75, and being 40 gives me 35 years left. Where I feel that I have lived hundreds if not thousands of years most days. I realize that these remaining years are going to fly by. Some may think that I am being pessimistic about it and that I could live longer. But honestly I am being optimistic that I will live that long. I've had dreams of me being well into my 80's and 90's, but with my current health the way that it is, I dont know. Im trying to do better, but still not sure what the future holds. But it is something that I am thinking more and more about. 
I sometimes wish I could be like Dorian Grey and have a painting of me and my cat that aged slowly giving me a supernaturally long life, or even to be that of a Vampire. That at the end of my long life, when I have done everything that one can do, and accomplished things that would take an entire life of work and toiling to see come to fruition, then walk out to greet the sun and move on to the great beyond. My mortality doesn't really bother me, its more of the pain of the people that I would leave behind that bothers me. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a loving way. This world is so full of pain, and I dont want to cause it unnecessary with something as mundane as my passing. I know its part of the cycle of life, and with further advancements in science, it seems as if the hereafter is just a shifting of energy and moving into a new dimension.

But all these things are fanciful dreams and musings right? Retrospective seems to be a good term to attach to my turning 40. Not that I havent always had one eye on the past and one on the future, while trying to live in the present. Though jokingly I have found myself saying things like "when I was your age" or "when I was coming up" and things like that more often. And its funny to me. Like at this current moment in time, when I think of 20yrs ago I think of the 90's not the dawn of the new millennium. I have an inside joke with myself of being this elderly crone telling stories like "gather round children, and let me tell you of the old ways".  But at the same time, who and I to dispense such elderly arcane wisdom when I myself really havent done anything noteworthy?

I still have asperations for things that I would like to accomplish, and things that I would like to manifest into my life. But for now I am just taking baby steps to learn who this new Michael is. 


But all of that aside, you should head over to my YouTube channel and check out what's going on over there and get weekly updates. Unless you enjoy my ramblings when I remember to update the blog.

Thursday, March 11, 2021

Helping yourself to help others

 Recently I have picked up on my online education in Peer Counseling and looking to get back into school to try and finish out my AA. Ive been taking a lot of online courses and getting certificates and diplomas in various subject matters that I think will help me, help others in the long run.
Currently I am working on a course subject through a great website called Alison.com (click here to check it out) its free online education, and has so many different subject matters and offers you certification or diplomas in the various topics offered through their services. The class that I am working on right now is Stress Management in the work place. I have covered so many topics and gleaned information that has helped me in other areas of my life, especially when dealing with anxiety and stress. 

I figure that even if I never do anything with my peer counseling that I will at least have the knowledge and information to help not only myself with my daily mental health, but to help others who may come to me seeking help of their own. Im really loving doing all of these activities and taking these different courses, and just learning. Its mentally stimulating and has honestly helped me unpack some of my own issues.

I have covered some of this in my latest YouTube videos (click here to check it out). But just writing it out is giving me some much needed motivation to keep going through with it and making a difference for myself. I've like I said, still havent figured out what I am going to do with all of this knowledge. But I do think that I may volunteer at one of the local mental health or treatment facilities for a little while. What I would love to do is maybe someday try to open a mental health facility that is 100% free, so that everyone within the community can have access to help regardless of their medical insurance. 

It is something that is needed so much within the community and nation. I dont know what all the steps to even starting something like that would be, but I do know that if I were given the oppurtunity to do so, that is something I would like to see established. Even if I just got it started and walked away from it once it was up and running that would be awesome too.

I know only a few days from my 40th birthday seems like a bit of a late start, but I feel like this is the right time to accomplish some of these desires and small goals that I have laid out for myself. What are your thoughts? 

Friday, February 19, 2021

Feeling so blessed

The last time I saw her and held her 12-20-10
 So I make no apologies about this. I am a huge grandma's boy. I dont care who knows it, its true. I loved my grandmother and she was the biggest influence in my life. She was my touch stone. My pillar
of strength. She was always there for me when I needed her. The day she passed, was a very sad, dark day for me. My foundation cracked, and I felt utterly alone.

Throughout my life, my meek and humble grandmother shone a light of kindness, love, warmth, and security. So as some (if not all of you) may know. In 2003 I lost my house to a wild fire that swept through southern California. Well when I was in the 8th or 9th grade, I had a family history project that I had to do. My grandmother sat down with her tape recorder and recorded an oral history of our family spanning all the way back to Sweden. 
Listening to the history pour out of her, I could feel and see the imagery of the words she spoke. Im going to be 40 in a few weeks. So this cassette tape was made when I was about 13 give or take. I moved all around California and then here to Washington. I thought that this tape had been lost to the house fire or just to the sands of time as it were. I found it in a box that I hadn't unpacked from when I moved from California almost 14yrs ago now. I was looking for something, I honestly cant even remember what it was now. But when I saw this tape with the white out label, I knew exactly what it

was instantly. I found someone online who offered to clean up the audio and transfer it to CD. 

Today was the first time in almost a decade that I heard my grandmothers voice. Listening to her recant the tales of her parents lives and her life and that of my aunts and uncles was just amazing. It was like I was a kid again sitting in the kitchen listening to her record it while i sat there eating cookies and milk. I seriously can not believe it made it all this time. 
Its jokingly said that I am a hoarder, and you know what, for once I am glad that I hoarded something. This has meant everything to me. Im not sure if my cousins, or my aunt or uncle will appreciate it as much as I do. But knowing that I have something with her voice on it, is more than everything in the world to me. I just wish that I something with my dad's voice on it. But for now I have it in a digital format and have uploaded it to several different places throughout the internet.

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