Nondisclosure Agreements

Asking a blogger, let alone anyone to really consider signing a NDA is really a dick move. What is an NDA well in short, it is a form that is signed in order for information to be passed between two parties. Sometimes you will find this when one company needs to crowd source a project or something like that. Why is it a dick move? Well, honestly, you are keeping someone from really speaking their mind, and giving input to the general public about the probability of investing into a sinking ship.

I recently was contracted with a company to give my honest feedback about a product. Now this is a famous world wide product, however, the item that I was asked to look at and give feedback on has A LOT OF FLAWS, yet production of this item is already underway. When I had brought up some of the issues that I had with said item I was basically told “oh well, it's not what we are looking for but ‘dearly noted’ so make sure not to include that in your evaluation or write up.” Thankfully my NDA has an expiration date in which time I will be posting more details about said item.

Companies want information from you, yet they want to give you the big ol middle finger before accepting your honest valued opinion. Now I know some NDA’s are to keep trade secrets. However, look how far that gets some companies. The minute their product launches, you have hundreds of other companies making the same exact product with their label on it for a fraction of the cost. With iPhone, I watched a video on YouTube the other day where a guy living in China went to their open air market place and had an iPhone 6s created for less than $125 USD when at the time the 6s was well over $600USD

All a NDA is doing besides keeping me from talking about your product to possible new investors, clients, or customers, is saying that you don't trust me. You think that if you really had that “million dollar” idea, that someone else hasn’t thought it up or has it in the works already, honestly you are not that unique. You are saying that I could have legal actions taken against me if your product or idea gets leaked, even if it's not my fault.

So before you go asking a product reviewer or blogger to sign a NDA or other related document, really think about what doing so is asking them. Its basically a shut up order that is not fair, nor good practice.

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A long Journey

So its been a very long time since I was able to properly update the blog. I have had numerous issues with it over the last year or two. One of the biggest issues was the fact that my IT person deleted all my old posts when trying to back everything up for me. The hosting was always up and down. And I just couldn't get logged in at times to update. And then when I was able to, the damn wordpress site would lock up and crash. So now after having hired someone to work on the blog for me, I am now moved over to Blogger and things should be back to normal.

Since last posting about whats really going on in life, which was The Horrible Hoarding in which I had mentioned that I had started working on my house and doing cleaning and what have you. So prior to that and something im not sure that I posted about, I had gotten into a relationship. Now this happened back in Jan 2016. Well as of May 25th of 2017 that is no longer the case. There were to many things that just couldnt be agreed upon or fixed. They didnt understand my mental and physical health conditions, and I couldnt seem to understand their “needs”.

This has been the first time in my life that I have ever willingly walked away from a relationship and not been the one who was dumped or left broken. And I sure as hell dont wish that the other person to be broken about it. But it just got to the point where I was just DONE. I felt like I was fighting and trying all the time, albeit that they felt differently, it was still something that I felt I did, and that I gave my all. So as long as I feel this way, that is how I see the closure of this relationship. Now I wanted to be with this person for the rest of my life. I was so attracted to the mental stimulation, the creative spark, the beautiful soul, and the ambitions of this person, and even overlooked some of the other things that we were not compatible in, like politics (I have Democratic views, they are Republican), current events, Gay/Trans Rights (I being for, they being against most) , and many other issues.

Friends and family always said “Michael, I dont know how the hell you are dealing with this. You dont put yourself out for anyone, EVER. I have never seen you put so much effort into anything, especially a relationship.” – My Mother and Sister. “Michael you are so much better than the drama. They dont realize how special and worth it you are and if they let you slip they are crazy” – My friends

So like I said I feel good with the decision to walk away. I am sad that the relationship didnt work out, as I had high hopes, but well good intentions and roadways to hell and all that right? The other big bummer about it was that I got close with the parents, and now I dont know if I will be seeing them ever again. Yeah Im that weirdo that was going to be happy with the In-Laws, if we had ever gotten married.

So now that I am back on the “market” I am going to do things a bit differently. Prior to this relationship, I had been single from June 2004 – January 2016. So in that time I learned alot about myself and who I was, what I wanted, and what I needed. So this time around, Im going to openly, actively date or at least look for a new relationship. And if I find one in a month or in a year then great. Meantime, Im going to focus on my blogging, and my other little side “hussles” and get my health back under control. Do some traveling. And keep going to the gym for as long as I can get the membership taken care of.

So here is my first official blog post as a newly single person. And my first official blog post on the new Blogger server/platform.

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The Horrible Hoarding

So this is the confessions of a part time hoarder. By that I mean, I never meant to become one in the first place. It all started off after I made a move to a different state. Going from having a larger space, to a smaller space, and the onset of mental illness.
I at the age of 26 began to go down a downward spiral and declining health. At 27 I was placed in the hospital for undiagnosed Diabetes and Diabetic complications. After my stay in the hospital, I moved to Washington. In doing so it exacerbated my mental health and caused me to withdraw. Living with family who didn't understand me and still to this day do very little to understand me or my illnesses, caused serious depressive issues and bipolar mood swings. 3 people living in a small 2 bedroom home was a crowding issue to begin with. Forcing someone who had an almost 300 sq ft room to a room that was less than 30 sq ft with all the accoutrements of the previous room, begins the building blocks for that downward descent.

At the time of writing this blog post, I am soon to be 36 as of March 16th. I am working toward getting right with me. For well over 7 years, I allowed my home to be a reflection of the inner turmoil that was my mental state. I had begun asking for help as the state of the house and my world was to much for me to bare and it was just to much for me to do on my own. So after having reached out to countless people and organizations and being declined, I gave up. In the summer of 2016 I took a trip "home" to go see my mom. While I was there my sister, her boyfriend, and my niece came through my house and made it 60% better. When I got home, I had a new bedroom set up, and my kitchen was clean, and my living room for partially done. I spent 4 weeks, day in and day out doing the rest of my house. My living room alone took me 2 days moving at a pace that wasn't to much for me. The I turned my attentions to my dining room. That room took me 4 days to accomplish.
Meanwhile the rest of the house began to decline due to use and lack of upkeep. Because my living room, dining room, and kitchen all connect, it seemed that one became the holder of things for the other. So it was like cleaning 3 rooms at the same time. It very much seemed at times like there was this vicious cycle of out weighing ratio of dirty to clean. Eventually I was able to tackle my dining room, living room, and my kitchen (however, it is a constant struggle of upkeep as it is the room I use the most.) Then I began turning my focus to my bathroom. It is coming along, however since it is the 3rd most used room in my house, and one that i seem to always "store" stuff in, it is a work in progress that will eventually get completed.

Mind you, I have revamped it from the state that it was in. But there is still much that needs to be fixed in there. I need to repair a sink, and get a new shower enclosure. All things that I will eventually have to tell my landlord about. But I also need him to replace my washer and dryer. Of which my wash room needs cleaning as well. However, I have done a significant amount of cleaning in there already, I just need to get some of the old clothing that I can no longer wear, out of there and then call him in. The biggest most pain in the ass project is going to be my bathroom, as he is in his late 70's mid 80's, it means that what would take a younger person only a day to complete, will take him probably a week or so to fix. During this time my water will have to be shut off and I will have to be put up in a hotel per Washington state law. I also have 2 cats, in which I will have to home with me in whatever place im at for the time that he is in my house. All of this is hopeful that he doesn't serve me with an eviction notice for the amount of repairs that need to be made.

So right now I am taking a break from working on my old bedroom and the bullfuckery therein. Having no transportation to go to the county landfill makes it very hard to get significant amounts of work done. But this too shall pass, albeit like a kidney stone, it shall pass. I will try to post after pictures of the room i'm currently working on. Please do not think less of me, I am doing my best to change 7yrs of depression and the effects of mental illness.

 

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Blogger Burnout

I have had massive burnout lately and I am sorry about not getting this updated like I should. But in other news I have been upping the game on YouTube by creating new content on an almost constant basis. I need to get back into actually journaling my feelings and other stuff like that on the blog.

If you havent checked out the YouTube channel then head over there after you are done reading this :) http://www.youtube.com/hellocupcakeitsme

So a few weeks ago I went out to see the Egg Donor (aka ED) and that was a less than fun experience. First I had qualms about going out there in the first place, and before we (my sister, her boyfriend, and my niece) had to spend 8hrs in a city that I had only gone through once. My sister started a new job and had to do training before we could go. So I spent the longest 8hrs in my freaking life, stuck in a parking lot and not being able to go anywhere. So by the time we finally left for ED's house I was in less than a happy mood. I was tired, hungry and just grumpy. So after we got a room and stuff I was finally able to lay down and unwind. The next day was a total crap fest. The plan was that we were going to leave by 2pm so that we could get home before dark, because my sisters boyfriend's trucks lights weren't working. So I being the keeper of time and GPS made several announcements about how the time was coming up and that we needed to leave.

I wasnt packed or prepared for a full weekend stay. So we ended up having to stay until Sunday...FML. So anyways we spend all the rest of the day Saturday bumming around Portland, OR. and really not doing anything. So yeah there was that. There is a shit load more and some drama that happened that I covered in a video [ watch it here ]

So when I finally was able to get home on Sunday, I walk into my house being flooded because my big upright freezer decided to stop working for whatever reason. My cat Scrappy who is like 20yrs old had a seizure and knocked over the water bowl, and before I had left I had closed the toilet seat so they didnt have any fresh clean water to drink. So I wasnt even able to just come home and relax, I had to clean all that stuff up and then I passed out at 12pm and woke up sometime around 7:30pm ate something kinda quick and then passed back out until Monday at 12pm.

I have just come to the conclusion that I dont travel well anymore. I mean I did ok when I went out to California last summer, but that road trip just killed me. I think if I go again im going to just take a train or something.
So with all that. I have begun working on my house and trying to get it cleaned up and just looking nice again. I spent like 3 or 4 weeks on it, working from like morning to late afternoon. Due to it I became a coffee drinker LOL. Well right before Christmas I was given a Keurig. Before then I really never drank coffee at home, but would drink it like water if I went out to breakfast or to Starbucks. So now that I have a Keurig (well I actually have 2 because I bought another one at a thrift store for $4 that was just like the one I have) I have a bunch of fun coffees and things like that. My Kroger has amazing Manager Specials that many times I can get a full box of Krups for $1.99 - $3 and I found that my Dollar Tree also sells Krups now and they are Green Moutian Coffee so you know its a real good deal. And people have been giving me coffee beans, and I went out grocery shopping and bought a can of coffee. So yeah I am pretty much settled.

Anyways please head over to YouTube and head over to Twitter and make sure to follow me on Instagram for even more exclusive content :)

 

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What the hell just happened?

So today has been really interesting and at writing this I realize its been a minute since Ive updated. Sorry about that. I have been torn in different directions and doing a lot of YouTube videos when I should be writing more here.

So over the last week or so I have really been trying to clean up my house and make it look less like a bomb went off and more like a "bachelor pad." In summer of 2016 I took a trip to California, and was gone for about 3 weeks. During that time my sister and niece redid my bedroom, and cleaned my kitchen and a few other areas of my house.
It was a total shock to me to see that they had done it. So they laid out the foundation for what I had been trying to do for the longest time.
So today when I got up, I began my cleaning. And I turned on music and began to kind of zone out. Then out of the blue ALL THE EMOTIONS hit me. I was like "seriously are you fucking with me right now?"

I spent 30mins maybe more just crying. Not any reason that I could really think of other than stirring up negative energies from cleaning my house. I know it sounds weird, but I am a believer that energies and things like that can hold onto items and when you disturb it, it takes to the air like dust.
Then to top it off, I came across a notebook that had suicide letters in them from a few years ago. I wrote letters to each of the people who I thought were going to miss me the most at the time. I did it just to get shit off my chest, but incase things got really bad it was a system I had in place as my final parting words.

So yeah to say its been an emotional day, is to discredit the shit storm it really was. I feel better right now But am planning on doing  a video here in a little bit which may rip the scab off and cause me to start crying again, but I know tht there are those of you who prefer the blog verses the video format but I just want to get it out in both areas so that regardless if you read about it or watch it, hopefully it can and will help someone.

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Finding creative outlets

I have been doing a lot of art lately. Mainly painting. I took up painting when I was in college and found that I really love doing so, although Im not really that "good" at it. Typically when Im depressed or in one of my manic bipolar moods it really seems to help, if I throw on some music and just paint my emotions. Does that mean the piece im doing is all dark and emo? No, it just means that im angry, or sad and put paint to brush, to canvas, and what transpires is whatever comes out.

I am one of those people who dont typically plan out a piece. I let the canvas and the painting tell me what im doing. What that means is if I sit down to do a landscape, then something like an impressionistic or abstract thing will come out instead. I have taken to looking at inspirations before doing a painting. That has been fun and interesting. Because I look at what the original artist has done, and then try to improve or add my own flare to the piece. Some of the questions I get asked, other than what inspires me to paint, is what music do I listen to? Well that

is kinda hard to describe. My playlist has everything from Gospel to Mega Death. So one moment it will be hardcore Gangster Rap and then it will transition into Bach or something like that. Though a good majority of it is R&B.

My other favorite thing to do is take pictures. Again it was a passion I found in College. I dont have a super expensive camera. The two camera's that I use are my Samsung Galaxy S5, and my GE 500X. The Samsung is a 8mpx and the GE is a 16mpx. Now when Im actually going out on a photoshoot, I like to take my GE, as there are a lot of features and functions that my phone just doesnt have. The one thing that my cam has that my phone doesnt is Image Stabilization. I really miss that feature on my phone as I have to take 3 pictures to get one, many times.

So these are just a few things that I have been doing to try and manage my depression and what have you over the holidays. What kinds of things do you do, and what do you find works the best for yourself?

 

 

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Holidays are tough

You know, I understand depression and that feeling of being utterly alone and the dark thoughts that creep into ones head. In the past I have self medicated and done everything from shutting down and sleeping to actively pushing people away. It is hard at times, and it is so easy to just give in to the feeling of "oh well no one will miss me, my life sucks". But allowing yourself to swim and drown in that pool of despair is never going to change things or put you on the right path.

I have even in my darkest of times put my issues aside and tried to help others with their problems. Because helping others, in away helped me. I have a lot of friends and family for that matter, who suffer from an array of mental issues. I am always trying to tell them or reach out to them, to let them know im there for them. When you are in the cocoon of self loathing and manic, you cant see the hand that is reaching for you. And even if you are able to, most times you wont reach for it because you dont want to seem weak. Yet posting about it on social media helps alleviate some of that internal suffering if not for just a fleeting moment.

Sometimes the simplest things can set your depression off. You dont live day to day any more you live moment to moment, because you dont know what will happen in the next 20 minutes. I know for you who dont have depression you are probably thinking, well we all do. But when you watch the clock tick by hour after hour, barely hanging on to what sanity you have left, a day can feel like an eternity. Sure you can take medications to dull your pain and make you pesudo numb, but sometimes even then those dont help.

They only make things worse. As someone who depression is an old friend, I know how bad things can and do get. I know how heavy the world is, and how unfair it is. At how spirit crushingly messed up it is and can be. But really YOU are the only one who can reach out for help. YOU are the only one who can make steps into finding happiness again, even though you dont know what happiness is any more. Just know that whenever you are down. There are people who will take the time to listen to you and help you and guide you. Suicide is never the answer. It is a seductive bitch, who will promise you everything that you "need/want" at the time, a way out....but when you make the move to end the pain, you only cause it.

You dont end it. You cause years of pain for those who were always right there. Those who loved you, but you were to deaf and blinded by the insurmountable amount of suffering and pain that you were in.You leave a legacy of sorrow for your loved ones. Because they wont see you for your illness, they will see you for the person that they loved. For the person that they can no longer see, touch, or feel. People are there for you, even when it seems like no one is. Reaching out isnt weak. It isnt an admission of cowardness, or being "gay" because you are showing your feelings.

Here is a number to call just to have some outside 3rd party to talk to 1-800-273-Talk(8255)

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